Feeling privileged

Hello everyone,

I hope everyone is staying safe and well. I have a mixture of feeling lucky that I've managed to get this far with out catching this cranky virus and worried about how hard it's going to hit when it moves into my house!

I been trying to keep things as normal as possible, so I've been attending a living with sight loss course, I probably mentioned it last time, it was a six week telephone conference call meeting type thing....I literally hated every single moment of it, I'm not really sure why. 

It sound ridiculous but since loosing a lot of my sight, I have become this, blind person who has to do everything at break neck speed, I hate making mistakes, I hate other people thinking I'm less able to do something because I've got crappy sight, and I really really hate feeling that I have failed. Failure is not an option! So listening to someone telling me all about the things on offer for blind folks like me, was a real struggle. This sort of course is absolutely fantastic for people at the start of their sight loss journey, but I found it very depressing, I was either in a foul mood or crying my eyes out after each session. 

I am fully aware of what my sight loss future holds, I am realistic, but I certainly do not intend to slow down any time soon, I'm not going to be sitting at home thinking about all the things I find difficult or can no longer do, yes I find some stuff tricky, but just because I find it tricky, it doesn't mean im not going to do it.

I've done ridiculous things, the other day I decided to get on with the massive pile of ironing which was sitting looking at me, so I happily got the iron and ironing board out, parked it in front of the TV and tuned into a lovely episode of mid summer murders, and cracked on, I was just getting to the last few bits when I realised that I hadn't even plugged the bloody iron in! I was just ironing away with a cold unplugged iron, I mean, what the actual fudge! I looked at the big pile of neatly folded piles of clothes, and thought crap, I've got to iron this lot again! Then, I thought, naaa, no-one will notice, and I took the clothes to their owners bedroom and hoped they didn't notice!

I trip over, I bump into things, but it just makes me more determined not to do it again. 

The first time I went to restock one of the fridges at work, I found the glass sliding doors a bit of a challenge, I was rushing to make out I was wayyyy cool and could fill the fridges just as quickly as my sighted colleagues, when DONK, yep, I'm trying to fill the shelf with the door still shut, but this doesn't stop me, I have learnt not to try to keep up with everyone, and cop a feel of the glass sliding doors before I try to throw four ready made lasagna on the shelf! Another thing I've learnt, is to make sure those dam glass doors are locked open before filling the shelves, cos they can do a sneaky slide shut thing without me noticing....which also can result in a bit of a mess, or me face planting the glass. 

Someone once said I am a fast learner, I'm not, I just don't make the same mistake twice and I look for a way around something I find difficult or I can't do.

I am irritated by people who don't have the same mind set as me, but that's my problem not theirs, I find it difficult to understand why you wouldn't find ways to move forward. 

You know the thing I really love? Weather! I love to see the sky changing, it doesn't matter what the weather is like, I just love it, the other morning on the way to work, the sun was trying to get up, there was heavy low fog, and the sky was coloured pinks, purples and blues, it was  blooming fantastic. The reason for this is because, I don't know when the last time I might see the sky is, it doesn't make me sad at all, it makes me feel like I am privileged to see the things that everyone takes for granted. 

I haven't been effected by either of the lockdowns....yet....but I would kind of like a few weeks at home, I feel the need to create, make something, do some drawing, cook something nice, but best of all enjoy autumn, Autumn has to be the most beautiful season of the year, and I'm ready to get my boots on, buy my lil fella a new little coat....I saw wellies for dogs in the shop the other month, but I think Ralph would eat them....and get out there in the countryside and fill my head with all the sights......oh and I need to put the Christmas tree up, cos I LOVE Christmas lights.

Speak soon and stay safe xx

Living with sight loss

 Well, that was a bloody nightmare!! I hope you guys are all staying safe and well out there?

My poor old laptop did some kind of an update, it cleared all my emails and set it back to factory settings, which would have been fine if I had remembered all the passwords and email addresses, it took me ages to work out what went with what, then I finally got it sorted and managed to write one blog, and then my poor old laptop went off to the laptop heaven in the sky, leaving me gutted that I couldn't share my daily disasters with you.

I've had such a rubbish couple of days and needed to rant off at whoever would listen, so it's taken me hours, but I have finally transfered and downloaded blogger and all the necessary crap  it takes in order for me to speak to you through my little tablet. Typing takes forever, and I definitely prefer a actual keyboard, but you know what they say...beggars can't be choosers.

Now I've explained myself, I will fill you in a little, yesterday, I had my very first 'living with sight loss' session, there's six in all, spread over six weeks. Because of our current situation with covid-19, the meetings are held over conference call, there's six of us (I think) and a moderator. The sessions are ninety minutes long, now, the last seven months have kept me extremely busy, I'm occasionally frustrated by the fact that my sight slows me down, but overall, it's been feed the nation, go home, go to bed and go back to feeding the nation, days off consist of trying to feed my own small nation, walking Ralph and trying my hardest, and failing, to keep up with the housework.

Then, I had a little accident at work which stopped me in my tracks for a few days, to be fair, it probably should have stopped me in my tracks for longer than a few days, but, as you all know, I'm not one for sitting around when there's work to be done. 

Physically, it took me a while to get my mojo back, but mentally, it's taken me much longer. Then I found a little lump on my chest, after agonising about it for a week, I finally called my local JP, who was like...yeahhhh, email me a photo..(which I did, BUT I was very careful to ensure the photo contained less chest and more of my chins, just in case the photo found itself wondering around the internet) they sent me some cream and told me to phone back for another phone consultation in two weeks if it hasn't gone by then, don't ask me how the doctor decided I just needed some cream, when he hasn't actually looked at it, but I can tell you now, if this turns out to be something nasty, my doctor won't need to worry about covid-19, he is gonna need to look out for a blind lady and her cane, I'm gonna be after his ankles!!

All this has messed with the magical balance that makes me ME, so, the powers that be suggest I take a living with sight loss' course. 

Now don't get me wrong, these courses are bloody fantastic, and they help so many people on this bitch of a journey that comes with loosing ones sight, however, I am not very good at being blind, I don't like talking about it, and would happily ignore it as much as I can, I find ways of overcoming hurdles and just get on with it. 

This, was real, real people struggling with the cards life has dealt them, I listened carefully to each one of them introduce themselves and talk about their conditions, as I listened I realised, I don't have one condition, I have all the conditions that they have, every single one had a different story and condition, so by the time it got to my turn to introduce myself, I simply said my name, the area I live in and that I was born shorted sighted! A bloody total lie, but I just couldn't talk about it, I didn't want to share all the stuff I've been through all over again, one person was saying he had two injections of Avastin and seemed proper proud, mate, I had six, six bloody injections before I heamorrhaged, I know it's not a competition but it just felt like I'd forgotten or ignored everything, then it all came rushing back, years of stuff all in 90 minutes.

I didn't really have time to process it properly as I went straight to work afterwards, and all I did was cry, a nine hour shift spent trying to hind my tears with my mask, not daring to use a tissue for my runny nose, just when I thought there were no more tears to come, I cried again! 

By the time I crawled into my bed I was in a proper grumpy mood, and I was no better this morning, I woke up with all the thoughts still heavy on my mind and I've spent all morning feeling sorry for myself. 

I tried to drag myself back up, had a nice hot bath and washed my hair, took Ralphie for a walk, the sun has been out all day, so when My eldest went off to work, I decided I would go with her into town, have a look around the shops, go into Asda, get something for tea and catch the train home. 

The minute we pulled into the car park I knew I'd made a mistake, Asda at the best of times is awful, the local schools had already emptied out straight into Asda, so I did a very quick trip around Marks and Spencer, and promised my eldest that I would take a nice half hour stroll to the train station and go straight home. 

There I am enjoying nosing at everyone's front gardens, when the first drop of rain splattered on my forehead, literally, within three minutes it was absolutely pouring,  instantly my mood began to lift, I dunno why I find these situations so funny, by the time I got to the station my socks were as wet as my shoes, and I was smiling to myself as I squweltched my way to the ticket office, only to find it was shut, I looked around for help, and saw a  young man with a fag hanging out of his mouth and a can of special brew in his hand and decided I'd take my chances without a ticket, mask back on I got on the train ticketless! 

My stop is only the next one along the line, and for some reason I expected the sun to still be shining, how wrong was I! I got off the train straight into a full on thunderstorm, by the time I had my key in my front door, even my pants were wet, but it felt bloody great, my mood had lifted. I walked in and Ralph took one look at me, literally shook his head, walked away and sat on the sofa, watching me peel off my wet clothes from a safe distance.

I will go back for my second meeting next week, but I will try to remember that everyone's experiences are different and everyone copes differently with those experiences. I've been lucky to have had diary of a blind lady as my outlet, I've talked through all my thoughts and emotions with you guys, and if this is going to prepare me for the future then this can only be a good thing. I will try not to get upset, but if it does, let's hope rain is forecast for next week too.

Speak soon xx 

Brain Power

Back again..😁

The thing I love most about writing this blog is the amount of people it reaches, Its not as many as it used to be due to my inconsistency, but life very often gets in the way, and its hard to balance and prioritise.

This week I've had a little 'Step up' in my role, and it has meant that I have spent a lot of time today doing things like filing, checking numbers and figures all match up. I had forgotten how tired it makes me feel doing something a little bit different, its a bit frustrating that my heart says...hell yeah, I have every faith in myself to do a good job, but my brain says...errrrr, what the hell do you think you are doing woman, this is NOT our usual routine, now I am going to have to remember all this new stuff, process it and then bring it to the front of your mind in a way which your eyes will let you see it next time you go to use it, so therefore, when you have finished work I strongly suggest you go home and have a tantrum because no one has washed up, trip over the dog because he was way too excited to see you after ten hours out of the house, then you should cry your eyes out because you have no idea what to cook for tea, then you should shut yourself in the bathroom because no-one can reach you in there and fall asleep on the loo!

Of course, I always do exactly what my brain tells me, so now after having a hot bath and curling up on the sofa with a blanket, I have had a nap, and have woken up to my brain forgiving me after giving it such a shock.

My strength comes from talking to people who experience similar difficulties, because suddenly I know I am not alone, and I can be kinder to myself knowing that this sort of exhaustion comes from having a sight impediment and that when my brain says STOP I have to do what I am told, otherwise I will either completely burn myself out or turn green, bust out of my shirt and jeans, and scream so loudly I'd send the earth moving for miles!

So, this evening I was thinking of some of the people who I have met through RNIB, if I was allowed, I would write a book about all the people I have met, write about their stories and the people they have become, there is nothing quite like being told you are going to loose your sight and everyone moves forward in different ways.

One lady who lives on her own with her Guide dog, has the most fantastic sense of humour, I've only met her a couple of times but she is fab!

Then there is a lady I shared my 4x4 experience with and a couple of ladies who read my blogs, all these people have stories, journeys and ways of coping with the way their lives have changed.

Its easy to want to cut ties with everything 'blind' and pretend everything is 'normal' but normal doesn't always understand me, and actually these people form a family, it doesn't matter what the problem is, there is always someone to connect with, someone will offer guidance and support in such a way that speaking with your nearest and dearest doesn't always get the right result.

I've been talking to people about their lock own experiences, I think I've been a little self-centred when it comes to lock down, its been very hard working, but when I actually think about it, the very worst thing that has happened to me over the last three months is my dish washer broke...yup, middle of March the bloody thing packed up, and I felt like there would be no chance of getting someone out to fix it, and I didn't think there would be much point in ordering a new one either, so I brought some rubber gloves and washing up liquid and cracked on with it. After about three weeks, every time I said I was doing to do the washing up, one of the daughters jumped up and said...I'll do it Mum! At first I thought, ahhhh that's lovely, My girls want to help me, then about five weeks ago, I was on the phone to my Mum, telling her all about my wonderful young ladies, and Mum sighs, and says...Lynda, That's because you're crap at washing up!! 

Oh, well that burst my bubble, when I got off the phone, I collected my beloved daughters in the kitchen, sat them down and asked what they thought of my washing up....silence for a few minutes, and then youngest says...errrr Mum you are proper crap at washing up...please can we order a new dish washer??? Eldest is rolling around on the kitchen floor laughing...for a split second I was offended, then youngest says, well, you are only crap because you cant see, if you could see you'd be great at it, but please please please can we order a new one. 

So, last week while I was safely out the way at work, a new dish washer was delivered, the old one removed and the new one installed.

The only thing is, its all singing and dancing, all I want it do is to fill it and press go...this asks you about twenty different questions before it will start, and its so bloody quiet I keep having to check that its not broken, its going to take me another three months to get used to it!!

My brain is telling me I'm tired again, so I'm off to bed, speak soon and stay safe xx

Just being Blind

WOW, that was lucky!!

My laptop did a 'clean up' thingy and completely wiped all my info, I don't ever write any passwords down, I usually just press 'forgot password' and make a new one, but this had even cleared all my email addresses, my blog email is different from my every day one, and I just couldn't remember it! I must have tried about 50 different combinations of words that I thought it might be and I was starting to think I had lost the whole blog, then yesterday, standing in front of the polo mints at work, I was talking to one of our temps, and BOOM, there it was, it popped right into my mind, as clear as day, absolutely no bloody clue what the password was, but hey, there's a way around that, so, here I am....back again!!

You'll be pleased to hear my Teabag stains have almost vanished, thanks to my magic cream applied twice a day!

It been a strange couple of weeks, my sister-in-law returned to her house on the top of a mountain in Spain last week, I am so pleased she is there safe and sound, because its such a beautiful place, but its triggered me into some very deep thinking. ...….like, Up there, on her hot and dusty mountain, she has solitude, I know not everyone likes their own company, but that is something we very much have in common, I miss having time to myself, just to sit quietly, no telly, no one asking me what I am doing sitting quietly, I admire her confidence but I am also envious.

And then I wonder if my craving to want to be somewhere quietly sitting on my own is a sign that I am either doing to much or that I am ready to stop or slow down the craziness of my life. I mean when and how will I know when I am too blind to do stuff. Obviously, I am wayyyyy to blind to ride my bike anymore, and that used to be my solitude, my peace, my healing if you like, from the day, the transition from work to home gave me chance to process my work, and clear my mind, ready to cope and manage whatever I walked into when I got home...Ie, a shit ton of washing, and mountain of washing up, cos no one seems to understand how to load a dishwasher, operated a washing machine or push a hoover around.

These days are so different, I spend nine hours of my day thinking about the best and quickest way to do things, thinking about my team and customers while trying to disregard the fact that half the time I cant see bugger all, and things often take me twice as long as a sighted person. I'm then driven home and delivered at my front door, where the whole process of being a mum, dog walker, cleaner and partner starts off again

 I'm scared that I will become too blind to do my role at work and not realise it. This week has been challenging to say the least, and I know I've made some mistakes, and everyone makes mistakes sometimes for all different reasons. 

So, why am I doubting my ability? It could be that I stood at my bedroom window the other day looking out at the back gardens, when I noticed a big black cat sitting in my neighbours garden, So I yelled to daughter number 1 to come and look at the big cat, Daughter number 1 comes running in and leaps on my bed to look out of the window at the 'cat'.....where Mum?...look, there, just sitting by the table in the garden......its a garden chair Mum!!…….oh! Shit, I thought it was a cat....

So, there's been a couple of occasions this week where I've got stuff completely wrong. Am I thinking too much into this? 

I think the trouble is, no one understands my absolute elation when I get something right, or how incredibly low it makes me feel when I get something wrong, when I get something right, I'm like...ohhh helll yeah, I did that on my own, even though my sight is crap....but getting something wrong, triggers this whole...if only I could see a bit better then I would have stood a better chance of getting that thing right!!

Then I start feeling sorry for myself, and then that's when I crave sitting on the side of a mountain in Spain with my sister-in-law because, if there is one woman in this world who understands, it is gonna be her.

This weeks deep thinking trigger was a young woman who came into the shop looking for Tonic water, she was tottering around excitedly talking loudly to anyone who would listen about how she was JUST BEING SOOOOO BLIND because she hadn't seen the Tonic water and it was in front of her this whole time.......what the hell does that even mean???

Why do we say that? Why?

 If we cant see something why do we say we are just being blind, Just being blind isn't something that we can put JUST in front of, other than that you are not bloody blind, you are JUST too bloody lazy to look properly and ask someone to help you, and then say you are just being blind as if that's some kind of bloody excuse! 

This usually doesn't bother me, but I was really offended by the giggly way this woman was almost suggesting that someone who is blind wouldn't be able to find a bloody bottle of Tonic water on the shelf, Luckily for this woman, the wonderful young man I was working with, whisked this woman off to pay for the said bottle of Tonic water before I punched her on the nose.....for your information, before you stereotype blindness, I think you will find that a person with a visual impairment is way more likely to find something on the shelf, because we look properly, we think about what we are looking for and wouldn't even think about looking for Tonic water in the bread isle, we are methodical in thinking, yeah, ok, we might not be able to read the label underneath the product, so we rely on you sighted folks to match the product with the correct label, but don't ever think you can use the excuse of just being blind because you can't find something, try using your common sense, cos that something most of us have blind or not!

I'm ranting now, I hear people say it ten times a day! you wouldn't swear at someone and then say ohhh sorry, I'm just being like I've got Tourettes syndrome would you?

Plus it makes a mockery of me, I spend most if not all my time covering up the fact that my sight is very poor and ignoring the fact that I will eventually loose it completely, so IF I couldn't find something and had to ask for help, I would avoid admitting the reason for this is that I am blind.

Like I say it doesn't usually bother me at all, so I don't really understand why I let it upset me so much, maybe she made me feel a bit useless, but I know my brain more than makes up for what my eyes don't see!

The last three months at Tesco has caused us to meet people and form relationships and bonds with people we might never have met, customers and staff. The bond we have as a team has become very strong, and I appreciate every single moment I have spent with our little Tesco team, they never ever see me as anything else that ME, they tolerate my mistakes and eat my cakes, whatever happens next, I will always think about the COVID19 of 2000 with fondness of the fun we had filling shelves to feed the nation, you are fab Team H.

Right, I've gotta go take my little hairy bestie for a walk...speak sooonnn xx

Tea Bags

Back again! I've got to say I am feeling a bit cranky today, no-one seems to understand the effort it takes just to get up in the mornings sometimes, and then all it takes is one negative encounter and BOOM, you're sent scuttling into the safety of home.

A few weeks ago (when the sun was actually shinning and I sat in the garden with a small strappy top on trying to catch some rays) my daughter noticed some brown splodges on my skin, they look a lot like tea stains, since then literally about fifty times a day at least one of the daughters is asking me if I have rung the doctors about my splodges...NOOOOO I haven't....Do you know how difficult it is to get to see a doctor??

Eventually I ring the surgery, I request an appointment....at the moment we are only providing telephone appointments, the doctor will ring you tomorrow between 8am and 12. 

The following day, said doctor rings me and asks what the problem is, I try to explain that it looks a lot like someone has been throwing wet teabags at my chest...he ignores me and asks if I pay for my prescriptions.....errrr what's that got to do with my teabag situation.....No, I do not pay for my prescriptions.....in that case, go to the chemist and ask them.

He then tries to dismiss me, but I also need a repeat prescription for a different aliment, so I get a sigh and a ok, I will send it to the chemist, Goodbye, I'm left staring at the screen of my phone as it turns back to the photo of Ralph I have on my home screen.

Mate, You cant catch Corona virus down the bloody phone line, the more I thought about it the more irritated I became, So, Its ok for me to go join the que at the chemist, lift my T shirt up in the middle of the shop for half of the bloody village to inspect my Teabags, But its not ok to actually have a doctor look at it, why is he any more at risk than anyone else? Why are the doctors not seeing anyone? How much did he get paid for 30 seconds on the phone to tell me to bog off down the chemist?

I know my teabag thing is probably just a skin complaint, but I bet if I google it, its gonna be some rare disease and I'm gonna be dead in the next 24 hours......how many people are ignoring symptoms of something bigger because they know the doctors are on lock down?

Its ok though, cos next week you'll be able to stand shoulder to shoulder with people in Primark and all touch the same clothes!

The 'real' NHS workers are over stretched, while Mr Doctor down the road causally passes the buck onto whoever is nearest.

Anyway, the following day, off I go to the local chemist, outside the shop is a little wooden table with a sign propped up saying...well, saying something, cos no one thinks about the fact that some people cant read small print, so I hover around the wooden table as I feel the massive knot in my stomach start to rise as I have no idea if I am supposed to wait outside, then I hear...COME IN...being barked at me, I assume its me anyway as I don't have anyone else standing with or near me, so, in I go...how can I help.....so I explain about my teabag problem and that Mr Doctor down the road had told me to bring my teabags into a public area so that the village can gossip that I have been having kinky sex with some teabags. Silence... Mr Chemist steps forward, and apologies for Mr Doctor, leads me into a little room and looks at my teabags from a distance and recons he has some cream for that!

I come out of the little room, by which time two other people were in the shop and about five were standing outside, I buy my cream from the lady behind the screen and just as I am about to turn to leave I remember I also had a prescription to pick up, with a sigh the lady behind the screen finds my prescription and asks if I pay for it.....No, I do not pay for it.....Well, tick the relevant box and pushes the slip under the space in the screen, since I am on my own I explain that I cannot read the slip so I will need help, well you would have thought I had taken a bite of her cream cake....I CANT DO THAT! well, my lovely lady, if you want me to tick the bloody box you are going to have to show me where it is, or tick it for me! Silence again and I can feel her staring at me though the screen daring me to refuse to tick the box, So I take a little step forward and point to the bright yellow badge I wear on my work uniform which says I have a sight impairment, and say I'm sorry, but I literally cant see where or what box needs to be ticked.

The next minute, the chemist man was around the side of the desk quicker than a whippet, snatched the prescription off the lady behind the screen, quietly asked me which category box I fitted into and filled it in for me, he then slapped it back on the counter by which time the lady behind the desk had already expressed her sorryness about fifty times to which I was saying its fine, and the chemist man was saying its not fine! The chemist man helped me out of the shop and I stood quietly for a minute trying to calm the big ball of whatever it is that makes my heart beat faster and my eyes want to leak big fat tears. In the back ground I could her the lady telling the chemist she was sorry, but he was like, you are here to help, it doesn't matter if that person has a disability or not, it could be something you cant see, if someone asks for help...you help, we are here to help each other out. 

Yesterday, I had to push myself to get out of bed, Yesterday I couldn't go out on my own, Yesterday I couldn't face the supermarket, Yesterday I didn't get dressed, and that is all it takes, one tiny negative encounter, be careful how we respond to each other out there guys, you never know how your reaction to a situation will affect that person.

Take care and speak soon x

 

Lockdown

Hello there! 
What a very strange few months it has been! I have found myself caught up in a cycle of working and sleeping, leaving very little time to actually think about what is going on in the world, life has felt like a scene played out from a film...a very long film!
Seven weeks ago I was happily getting to grips with my new role at work, enjoying the challenges and loving learning new things, propelling me into a new and confident place that as you will all know, has been a long time coming from the awful time I was having before.
As things stand at the moment I am seeing this lockdown from three different perspectives
1, Someone working in a supermarket (front line as it is called)
2, A parent of a daughter working in the NHS, completely on the front line.
3, As someone with sight loss, or a disability.
So, seven weeks ago, I was trotting along in a flowery world of not really having too much to worry about, I could walk Ralph whenever I wanted, I could go visit my Mum when I liked and I was making plans to catch up with friends and family that I hadn't seen for ages, Yes, there was a rumble on the news about a virus, but...dont panic....as someone working in a supermarket, I can tell you, I have never seen such panic, greed and chaos in all my life, on one Sunday morning I opened the doors to hoards of people, they were literally taking things off from the delivery lorry as it was being pulled in, the shelves were stripped, and we just couldn't keep up, that week I felt ashamed to be breathing the same air as some of these people, the team were exhausted, but the public didn't care....they needed to buy 300 toilet rolls, 100 packs of pasta, 20,000 eggs, 20 ton of flour, 40,000 fags..ohhh and dont forget the 60,000 bottle of wine!!
From our perspective, we knew deliveries were still coming in, but the public got caught up in a media panic, and quite frankly, were bloody horrible to be serving!
I didnt stock-pile, mostly because I was spending so much time filling shelves for everyone else to do it, and it wasnt until guidelines were put into place that things started to calm, we hit our customers hard, with only 5 people in store at once, only 3 items per person and a one way system, this worked, the shelves were getting filled and shoppers became much nicer, we still get the odd ignorant soul, but most folks are happy with the arrangment.
Anyway, with all this full on shopping craziness, I found myself getting more and more irritated with people moaning about being stuck at home, bored, they can only go out once a day, theres nothing to do...when is this going to end!!
I just wanted to scream, just come and spend half a day with us, I would give anything for my daughters and I to be sat safely at home right now, everyday my youngest goes to work in a hospital, eveyday I worry she is going to become ill, or I am going to become ill and pass it to her...but hey, thats ok, so long as I am still part of a team providing the essential news paper or single bottle of water to the public, shame people arent thinking of the bigger picture....you come in for your bottle of water, you are a carrier, you pass it to me, I pass it to my daughter who then passes it to your pregnant wife who has gone to the hospital for a scan....come on people LISTEN, if you want life to return to normal, you have to follow the rules.
To have just 5 people in  the shop for me has been great, I struggle with social distancing because I cant see how far away people are, so I suspect I am usually to close, from my disability point of view, this is going to be a massive set back for me, I already am finding that out of work, which is extemely familar for me, I cant go into other shops on my own, the new rules mean that shops have new layouts, I cant tell a memeber of staff from a member of public because at 2 metres everyone is a black shadow to me, the thought of getting on a bus or a train fills me full of anxiousness. I can feel myself being locked into a world of only feeling safe in two places and having to rely on my family for help. I am putting on a very brave face at the moment, but I am so scared of what will happen when the lockdown is lifted, I suppose I will have to start all over again, learn to cope on public transport, remembering that there will be more cars on the road, so I need to be more careful crossing. On the very odd occasion I do go out to do some shopping, I have someone with me but I am also relying alot on the sunflower lanyard.
All this said, I had a realisation last night, I sat quietly and tried to think about what it would be like if my lockdown was the same as all the people saying they are bored....anyone who knows me will know I am a outdoors kind of girl, I cant and wont sit still, so I do have empathy and I do understand, but people are dying and we must follow rules, so I must leave you now and go get ready for another shift.
Speak Soon and stay safe xx

Sunflower Lanyard

What a strange day its been, Its been one of those days that, luckily, I don't get very often. 
I didn't sleep very well, so I was glad that it was my day off. 
Literally, from the minute I sat up in bed and opened my eyes I was irritated, I felt around on my bedside table for my glasses, knocked them and they went flying off onto the floor, I then spent the next twenty minutes with my backside in the air as I dangled over the side of the bed patting the carpet with my hand trying to feel for my precious specs, how the hell they ended up right under the bed I will never know!
Once my specs were safely positioned on my face I found my contact lens case, and the usual contact lens application procedure commenced, same thing every day for the last 35 years, today, same as every day, I unscrew the pot, put the pot with the solution in on the bedside draws, and balance my specs and  the little cage thingy that holds my contact lenses on the duvet, always the right eye first, my brain cant cope if the left one goes in first, so I have the little lens balanced on my finger ready to insert, and its gone, panic and irritation are never a good mix, for some strange reason, I thought I had put my specs on the bedside draws so I automatically put my hand out, knocking the pot of solution everywhere, nothing I can do about that right then, but there is no way i am ever going to find my lost lens with out any bloody sight at all, panic is still rising, then I remember my specs are on the duvet, so I very carefully feel around for them, once they were back on my face, I was able to gently search for the lens, another 20 minutes of my life I wont get back, but hey, at least I found the little bugger. Once both lenses were safely in my eyes, I turn to inspect the bedside draw spillage, only to find the solution dripping off the top straight onto the electrical extension lead, grabbing the first thing to hand (which happened to be a pair of knickers) I mopped up the solution, no real damage done, what I didn't notice was my phone sitting in a pool of solution on top of the draws!!
I suppose really that was a sign that I should stay in bed for the rest of the day, but NOOOOO, its my day off and I got STUFF I need to do. 
Even walking Ralph was harder than usual, on our usual route, and I am concentrating on him so hard as he kept doing this odd thing, putting his ears back and tail tucked under his bum, and trying to walk in between my legs, so I stop and pay him some attention, as most dog owners would, I gave him a fuss and a whole five minute conversation on what he thought the problem might be and how I was going to help him, but I wasn't going to carry him, because he is NOT a puppy, he is a big boy....bla, bla, bla. Then I feel someone watching me, something isn't right, the traffic has stopped, and I can hear idle engines, right on que, as I'm starting to come out of the world of Ralph, a horn beeps and another, turns out I am standing right in the middle of some ones drive, they are holding up the whole of the early morning rush hour as they are waiting to enter the drive, it makes me jump, which makes Ralph skittish, I sign sorry and rush away mumbling under my breath that I must have looked like a right twit.
Anyway, whatever the problem was with Ralph had gone by the time we arrived home, I did a few household jobs and got ready to face the shops.
Last week I made a terrible job of doing my .com delivery, when it arrived, I think it contained, milk, bread, few tins of beans and some chicken, how I though the three of us were going to manage on that for a whole week I don't know!
So, youngest daughter and I go to Home Bargains first, anything that had the word 'antibacterial' on the label had been stripped from the shelves, so no chance of finding any sanitising hand gel there then! I did managed to buy a couple of packets of flu tablets, but that was it. 
The biggest worry for me, was how slow I was today, Youngest daughter, kept saying 'come on Mum, hurry up' but I just couldn't, I was having a major sensory overload, no panic attack really, but I just seemed to be struggling to process what was around me, if anything I was annoyed with myself. Is this because I have fallen into a safe routine again? and I have stopped going into unfamiliar places? OR is there something wrong? Has my sight deteriorated again? I know one day it is going too, but I'm not ready for that yet. 
My brain is begging my eyes and legs to move quicker, but its like when there is something wrong with a car engine, it goes into a safety mode, well, that's exactly what happened this morning, I went into safety mode!
This is something entirely new, I usually have a full blown panic attack and end up sobbing my heart out, but it didn't happen, alright, I ended up forgetting half the things I went in for, but that's not really a problem.
Next stop #Tesco Baldock, this is where things got interesting, there were no disabled parking bays left, so we parked further away, but walking from the car to the shop felt like I was walking on sponge, making my balance slightly out, pushing the trolley helped. By the time we had got to the veg isle, the daughter had her phone out and was checking things off our list nicely, no one really noticed us, we didn't stand out, we were just regular dudes doing our shopping, then there was this woman...daughter notices her first, this daughter is especially attentive and aware of MY surroundings for me, so she notices that this woman is a bit too close to me so she puts herself in between us and try's to give me a bit more space. 
But as we go along, we somehow get separated, and she ends up looking at the onions whilst I am looking at the carrots, as I turn around to pop the carrots into my trolley, the same woman is so close to me I could smell her breakfast! ….Ohhhhh there's that panic I was talking about, right there! so , it hadn't gone anywhere after all!! I couldn't get away, her trolley was blocking me in, I didn't like whatever she had been eating, then I could feel the daughter at my elbow...safety, the daughter is just about ready to punch this woman right out, BUT I calmly(ish) grab my hand bag and pull out my #Sunflower lanyard. 
The woman instantly backs off like I had just tasered her, puts her head down and scurries off, giving me a wide birth. 
I slip the lanyard over my head, and the world suddenly became a different place, well, Tesco became a different place anyway. Everyone was much more tolerant of me, giving me space and the staff seemed to appear from nowhere with big smiles and acknowledgement of their presence, I wasn't asked out right if I needed help, mostly I assume because I had the Rottweiler daughter at my side, but it didn't matter, I knew they knew, and the difference it made to me was astounding. When we got to the checkout, I was asked if I needed any support at all, and when the long que behind me started to get fussy, the checkout lady was reassuring and didn't attempt to rush me along.
I totally recommend using the lanyard everyone, it really does help, when I did all the trails for it with RNIB, I knew it was a good thing, but didn't realise what a difference it would make to me.
By the time I got home, I was cold and I had a splitting headache, we put away the shopping and I sat on the lounge floor with my back against the radiator, the next thing I remember was waking up face down on the carpet! When I was a kid, my Mum used to say she thought I could sleep anywhere, turns out its true, couple of hours kip on the living room carpet has done me the world of good!! x

 

Stepping over the line

Hello Everyone, Over the last five months, I am sorry to say, writing for Diary of a blind lady has slipped way down my list of priorities, there has been a massive number of reasons for this, some of them simple, some of them so complicated I cant work out what I am feeling!
The last year or so has challenged and pushed me, both mentally and physically, more than I have ever known and I always prided myself in my ability to take what life throws at me and manage it, this period has been different. Once again I have found I am focusing too hard on moving forward and forgetting to look around me as I go. 
The environment in which I work now makes it easy to forget I have a disability, the people I work along side each day do not see me for anything other than someone who wants to work hard, learn and progress.
So, essentially, I've been totally ignoring the fact that I am registered blind, and launching myself into a world of, I dunno, normality I suppose.
Except, I am not normal....actually, what is normal? and who decided what normal is?..anyway, that's a thought for another time.
Over the last two weeks I have passed a first aid exam and acquired my Alcohol licence, these two things have pushed my confidence above and beyond anything I have experienced since becoming someone with a sight impairment. I feel like there is nothing I cant do, well I felt like that right up until yesterday.
Yesterday morning I went to take Ralph for our usual stroll around the village, it was just coming light and was freezing cold, so I quickly defrosted my youngest daughters car for her, clipped Ralphie on his lead and marched off. Anyone who sees me walking on my own will know I always have my head down because I am concentrating on the path, Ralph and anything which might be in my way, so I got a real shock when I lifted my head to cross the road and realised thick dense fog had descended in my 20 minute stroll, I literally couldn't cross the road, I was terrified of walking out in front of a bicycle or a car with no lights on or even an electric car....panic...how am I going to get home???? Sensible brain overtook the panic and I knew it wasn't safe to cross the road, so I turned around and walked back the way I had come, checking the time on my phone I knew a bus was due so I aimed to get to the bus stop near my house and hope that there was someone waiting so I could ask them to help me, luck was on my side and a man was waiting at the bus stop, I asked him to help me cross the road, at first he thought I was joking or taking the mick out of him, but I explained that I just couldn't tell if there was any traffic coming that I couldn't hear, so he crossed me over to the right side of the road, and that was that, I was fighting with myself not to cry, all the gadgets in the world were not going to help me across the road safely yesterday, and although I feel like I am conquering the world for severally sight impaired peoples right to work and to be treated as equals, unfortunately there's always going to be that one thing which stops me and luckily we don't get fog that often!!
Back to my main trail of thoughts, I seem to have drawn a very thick line between being me and being me with a sight impairment, and I have definitely detached myself from being me with a sight impairment, and along with that I have detached myself from everything and everyone that is attached to that, Diary of a blind lady was included, I kept telling myself that I didn't need to write, or talk to others with the same problems, but I do, I miss writing and I miss some of the people I have met along the way, hundreds of people a day are still reading the blogs I have written, I know this because I get notifications, I am astonished by this, and whoever you are, THANK YOU for keeping my blog alive, this has been my very first shot in stepping over the line again in five months, my friends please don't forget me, I'll be back, I'm just not ready to rub the line out yet, I need to learn how to manage them both at the same time.
Much love to you all, keep reading, I'll be back soon xx