Back again! I know its been a while but I've been proper busy trying to push myself out of the little comfy zone that I had found myself in.
Since the last blog I wrote, I've done loads! And, I have to say, I'm a little proud of myself!
So, Mum and I went to the RAH to see Carl Craig..OHHH MAN! You have to check this guy out. There we were, Mum and I, sat quietly in our box, waiting for a gentle classical evening to start. When the lights dimmed, our seats started vibrating and the laser lighting began strobing around the building, I knew this was not the ususal type of classical music event we were used to attending. The whole building was vibrating with the bass and you just had to tap or move to the beat, and then, in middle of all the loud music, were classical instruments, a harp, a piano and a lady playing a violin! Who knew a DJ from Detroit and a orchestra could make such amazing sounds together, It was an incredible night, the lighting was out of this world, in fact, maybe even the best event so far! Added to that, we didn't have any disasters!
I wrote the review the following day with a massive smile on my face while I remembered the night before! Mum even asked if I could see if I could find the event on a CD!
I continued with the research for Tesco/RNIB, which was really interesting, and I got selected to attend a 'top secret' meeting with two other people from my area. I really like listening to other peoples stories, so meeting with other people with different disabilities was, well, captivating, really.
The whole experience encouraged me to find my voice again, and I confidently chatted as part of the group instead of sitting on the edge of my chair praying that time would go quicker so I could go home.
As my confidence has grown so much I thought id give swimming another go, my girls and I have been going to ladies night on a Wednesday evening, the first week I could barely manage 10 lengths, last week I comfortably did 22, and could have done more if it wasn't for the fact that Mum and my youngest have joined the aquagym, which starts at the same time but only runs for an hour.
I even pushed myself into town on a Saturday! Not on my own of course, the girls came with me.
I've booked up to go to visit my friends in Suffolk in a few weeks, and I'm going to a coffee morning in Welwyn next Saturday... then there was the trip to the Zoo! So, last Monday the girls decided we would go to Shepreth, after work I got changed quick and caught the train (on my own) to Shepreth and the girls met me there in the car. The zoo is right beside the train station and it was perfect timing as it was really quiet, no small people getting under my feet! Its a really nice place to visit, but I found I got tired really quickly, it was a hot sunny day, I've lost my 'good' sunglasses, so had I crappy old pair on, all that looking for animals in their enclosures was just too much, I found I couldn't keep up with the girls and needed to sit down often!
Writing all this down has made me realise how mentally 'unwell' I was at the end of last year, I felt like a thick fog was wrapped around me and no amount of swishing my arms about was going to shift that fog, I was being suffocated, I couldn't see which way to turn, and I now realise that I was pushed into making certain decisions, and that some situations were totally unfair. I am angry that I let this difficult time effect me so badly and feel that I should have dealt with my employment situation totally differently, the very first mistake was letting someone write a risk assessment about me while sitting in a little room and not actually seeing me in my role, from there the mistakes escalated until I was so low and felt so useless, that the only thing to do was go quietly.
For a long time I felt that I wouldn't be any use to anyone again, anyone that knows depression will understand that feeling of emptiness, Christmas was coming and I gave no care! Even when I started to gather my broken bits together and try to get back on track, I had walked into a job that I knew nothing about, and I suppose in the back of my mind I was convincing myself that all I was doing was setting myself up to fail again. But I haven't! Six months down the line and the fog is clearing, I see things differently and I become stronger and more confident every day.
I often wonder if people really think about how they treat others, do people realise how they deal with situations can destroy a person. Mental health is such a important topic these days and yet there is still situations like mine happening, life is cruel enough without having to fight to prove yourself .
I have totally gone off task! The other very important event...which actually happens on FRIDAY, is that I'm going on a driving experience day, its rolled around so quickly, I cant tell you what it means to be doing something like this, something I thought I would NEVER be able to do, I just hope I can hold it together and not become too emotional, of course I will let you all know how it goes!
xx
