I have had a really interesting week. At the weekend I had become really frustrated with myself, I miss being at work and I especially miss being there at Christmas time, Christmas at our school is a glitter filled crazy chaos, this year I have been so sad to miss all the cake and biscuit making, the visit to Church, decorating gifts to send home and creating Christmas cards that wont ever stand up on their own as they are so heavy with glue and glitter, if, at the end of the day, the classroom wasn't covered completely in glitter and tiny pieces of pretty paper, then we hadn't had a good day. I miss seeing the change in their behaviours as they get nearer to Christmas, good or bad, they are expressing that they know something is different. there is nothing more beautiful than seeing pleasure in an autistic child's eyes.
I spent all Sunday thinking about all the things they would be getting up too during the last week of school and found myself making the decision that I wasn't going to wait around for this big black mark to move off my central vision, and declared that I would be signing myself back to work in January.....this was met with a big fat NO from my family. Feeling slightly disgruntled I took myself off to bed in a foul mood and sat in bed surfing the interworld!
After a while of finding nothing but crap, I tapped in 'How to get rid of floaters' the stuff that I already know came up, but then there was this webpage all about home remedies, so, the first two important factors are to relax and avoid stressful situations,(haha) then followed some food types, diet changes, avoid watching television or spending too much time on the computer, sleep well, yoga, drink plenty of water, eye exercise and massage....
Out of the list, eating the foods listed will not help my colitis so I cant change that, sleep well never happens at this time of year, but I will try, relaxing and avoiding stressful situations...seriously, this year has been the most stressful year I can remember, yoga..yup I can do yoga, drinking more isn't a problem I can do that too, I don't really watch TV and I can limit the time spent on the computer. That leaves eye exercise and massage, so I gave it a go...well, fudge me! you would never have said massaging the skin around your eyes would make a difference, it also said to massage you thumbs..YES YOUR THUMBS, and it works, honestly, every so often throughout the day I rubbed the top of my thumbs and my vision became clearer. I don't know where all this yoga and massage originates, but these people really know their shit, it also said the massage your big toes, this also was pleasantly surprising. Through following these guidelines I have noticed this week that I am definitely coping better with the floater, it hasn't gone away, but my brain seems to be starting to see through it. This has put me in a completely different place, I have now learnt to explore different things, have faith in my ability to change the course of events, don't ask me how it works, I have no clue, but I am very happy to be standing in the middle of a busy Waitrose massaging my thumbs, because not only is it helping me focus, the massage seems to relax me too, which in turn is helping with the anxiety crowded places cause.
With all this new found confidence, I took my first topic assessment for the Psychology I am studying, I had already had a little chat with myself and had decided that if I failed the first test, I would give up as I clearly wasn't brainy enough for re educating myself. To pass you needed 80% or above, if you got below the 80 you needed to keep trying until your score was high enough....wellll, I am massively excited to say I came in at 90% on the first try, although I only got two questions wrong, one of them I knew the right answer, but it was one of those split seconds when you doubt yourself and opt for the wrong answer, but whatever it doesn't matter cos it appears I am quite clever after all!
And I continued thinking I was clever until today....this afternoon actually, I popped into Hitchin with Mum on the bus, we wondered around slowly, watching all the manic shoppers stuffing massive amounts of food and drink into their trollies, and we were feeling reasonably smug as we didn't really need to be there, I picked up a 9 pack of loo rolls and was happily swinging them beside me as I rocked up to the till to pay for them, I am pretty sure the woman in front of me had little beads of sweat forming on her forehead as she paid the £345 shopping bill. I happily paid my £3.50 for my loo rolls and Mum and I swaggered towards the exit and out. Only OUT was dark, night had fallen really quickly and we made our way towards the bus stop. I really wasn't feeling it, there were people rushing around, traffic everywhere as folks knocked off from work and fled for home, but we got to the bus stop fairly unscathed. When the bus rolled up, it was a double decker, which as usual sent a ripple of excitement through the old folks, I could hardly make it out as it pulled up because it was absolutely filthy, the windows were covered in dirt, sitting down stairs I couldn't see a thing out of the windows.
As we trundled along it suddenly dawned on me that I had no idea where we were, Mum was struggling too, but reckoned she would know when we reached our village, which she did. Mum gets off at a stop before me, which sent a shiver of panic through me as how would I know when it was my stop??? In her wisdom, Mum says its OK, your stop is four stops up. Well, its a bloody good job I had a back up plan cos the bloody bus didn't stop at any other stop, as no-one wanted to get on and no-one wanted to get off....thank god I had clocked a oldie who I know gets off at the stop before mine so as soon as she was off I pressed the 'bus stopping' bell and luckily it ground to a stop at the correct stop. Again I hadn't considered that sitting in a brightly lit bus would have such an effect when stepping off the bus into the darkness. I had to stand still and let my sight adjust to the change in light. I felt a right prat standing in the dark with my toilet rolls with people rushing past me, I felt the need to explain why I was just standing there, Don't say it....Why didn't you take your cane???? I dunno, another day another lesson learnt I suppose!
I don't suppose I will write again now before Christmas so I wish you all a very Happy Christmas xx
Thursday 21 December 2017
Saturday 16 December 2017
Snow Day
Once again I seem to have let two weeks at least pass without writing to you all. I would like to say that's because nothing much has happened and I have been quietly sitting around enjoying myself, but sadly life has been nothing more than carnage, with a few treats chucked in just to keep me from going completely over the edge!
Sometimes it is so hard to remember that everyone has shit going on in their lives and that I haven't been personally chosen by some wanker sitting high up in the clouds to experience every single situation and emotion in the space of a short year, hard times are not exclusive to me everyone has them......all that said, last week when my dishwasher broke I think it was the final straw. Its just a dishwasher I keep telling myself, how on earth did I manage without one before?...I could see better then, washing up by hand now feels like life is sticking two fingers up at me, reminding me that this is yet another job that I cant do as well as I used too. The dishwasher was a happy substitution for the fact that I keep putting 'rejects' on the draining board. I refuse to buy a new dishwasher at this time of the year when everything will be half price in two weeks time, so it looks like the attractive yellow rubber gloves will be staying over Christmas!
Over the last couple of weeks I have found that I have almost been begging that I would open my eyes in the morning and the big floater has moved away, its the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night, I so badly want to get back to some sort of normality that I am steamrolling through the day, just so I can go to bed. Do you know what I mean? Its sort of like a child at Christmas, they know the big day is getting nearer, so they ram all the things they should be doing during the day in to a two hour slot and then are in their Pj's by 2pm waiting to go to bed so they can get a day nearer...that's what I am doing, only there is no set date, so I am chasing something that might never come. Pre PTS therapy, I might have carried on until I was a complete blubbering wreak, but the therapy has taught me to refocus and rethink, so I sat one afternoon with the laptop and browsed on-line courses, I spoke to my contact at RNIB and he suggested that I tried a company called ALISON, they offer free on-line courses, you pay for your certificate at the end. So, I kinda though, I have nothing to lose, its not going to cost me anything, and the course that interests me came up, so I applied and started a diploma in Psychology, its great and is definitely giving me something other than floaters to think about. This was perfect timing, as we woke up last Sunday morning to a blanket of white fluffy snow and a message from my other half not under at circumstances to go out in it.....so I got dressed, put my wellies on and went out! I took Ralph with me and he was extremely disappointed when we got to the top of the road and I had to turn back. I had no idea where the safe places to walk were and the snow was so white it hurt my eyes, by the time we has slipped back to the front door I had the beginnings of what I call eye related head ache. Off came the wellies and the clothes, on when the slippers, fluffy socks and winter Pjs. And Ralph and I curled up under the blanket and I taught him all about 'The learning Theory, Neurons, Sympathetic and Parasympathetic division'....I not sure how much he listened too as he spent most of the time gazing out of the window at the falling snow!
Obviously, I am finding it a bit of a challenge as I cant see too good, but slow and steady wins the race eh? There are loads of different courses to do and I do love learning.
The snow hung around a bit and to make matters more dangerous for me and everyone else walking on the pavements the arrival of ice on top of the snow has meant that I have spent most days at home this week, if it hadn't have been for the course and my 'schedule list' I think I would be signing up for more therapy. The 'schedule list' has been fantastic, its one of the most simple yet effective ideas ever. The night before I sit and write all the jobs that I need to get done on a big note pad, the next day, as I do them, I tick them off and at the end of the day if there is a job that hasn't been done I move it to the next day, there is something enormously satisfying about completing every job on the list and tearing off the sheet and throwing it away. It innocently keeps me focused and on track.
I did have some photos of Ralph in the snow to show you, but my phone did a update and kindly deleted half my photos!
The one job that keeps getting pushed along to the next day and has done for over a week is writing Christmas cards, I just don't want to do it, I don't know why, I have always been really proud of how neat my hand writing is and lately its not been looking so legible, so it kind of feels like another failure that I cant produce such nice writing anymore. Parcel wrapping...now, I have been a bit crafty with that this year, I have made sure all my gifts are boxes or presents that are easily wrapped. Mum introduced me to M&S wrapping paper which has got cutting lines marked out in bold, so you follow the line with your scissors, but then I ran out so I opened a new roll that I brought from Sainsbury and was so pleased to see lines on the back of this paper too. As I was lent over the paper carefully snipping along the line, a voice says, what you up too? I say I am cutting along the lines of the wrapping paper stupid? the voice says...there are no lines on that paper, stupid! See, how incredible are we? My brain had remembered the lines from the other wrapping paper and was still seeing them on the new roll even though my eyes weren't!!
Well, I leave you with a photo of my lazy mate who likes to take up the whole sofa.
Speak Soon xx
Sometimes it is so hard to remember that everyone has shit going on in their lives and that I haven't been personally chosen by some wanker sitting high up in the clouds to experience every single situation and emotion in the space of a short year, hard times are not exclusive to me everyone has them......all that said, last week when my dishwasher broke I think it was the final straw. Its just a dishwasher I keep telling myself, how on earth did I manage without one before?...I could see better then, washing up by hand now feels like life is sticking two fingers up at me, reminding me that this is yet another job that I cant do as well as I used too. The dishwasher was a happy substitution for the fact that I keep putting 'rejects' on the draining board. I refuse to buy a new dishwasher at this time of the year when everything will be half price in two weeks time, so it looks like the attractive yellow rubber gloves will be staying over Christmas!
Over the last couple of weeks I have found that I have almost been begging that I would open my eyes in the morning and the big floater has moved away, its the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night, I so badly want to get back to some sort of normality that I am steamrolling through the day, just so I can go to bed. Do you know what I mean? Its sort of like a child at Christmas, they know the big day is getting nearer, so they ram all the things they should be doing during the day in to a two hour slot and then are in their Pj's by 2pm waiting to go to bed so they can get a day nearer...that's what I am doing, only there is no set date, so I am chasing something that might never come. Pre PTS therapy, I might have carried on until I was a complete blubbering wreak, but the therapy has taught me to refocus and rethink, so I sat one afternoon with the laptop and browsed on-line courses, I spoke to my contact at RNIB and he suggested that I tried a company called ALISON, they offer free on-line courses, you pay for your certificate at the end. So, I kinda though, I have nothing to lose, its not going to cost me anything, and the course that interests me came up, so I applied and started a diploma in Psychology, its great and is definitely giving me something other than floaters to think about. This was perfect timing, as we woke up last Sunday morning to a blanket of white fluffy snow and a message from my other half not under at circumstances to go out in it.....so I got dressed, put my wellies on and went out! I took Ralph with me and he was extremely disappointed when we got to the top of the road and I had to turn back. I had no idea where the safe places to walk were and the snow was so white it hurt my eyes, by the time we has slipped back to the front door I had the beginnings of what I call eye related head ache. Off came the wellies and the clothes, on when the slippers, fluffy socks and winter Pjs. And Ralph and I curled up under the blanket and I taught him all about 'The learning Theory, Neurons, Sympathetic and Parasympathetic division'....I not sure how much he listened too as he spent most of the time gazing out of the window at the falling snow!
Obviously, I am finding it a bit of a challenge as I cant see too good, but slow and steady wins the race eh? There are loads of different courses to do and I do love learning.
The snow hung around a bit and to make matters more dangerous for me and everyone else walking on the pavements the arrival of ice on top of the snow has meant that I have spent most days at home this week, if it hadn't have been for the course and my 'schedule list' I think I would be signing up for more therapy. The 'schedule list' has been fantastic, its one of the most simple yet effective ideas ever. The night before I sit and write all the jobs that I need to get done on a big note pad, the next day, as I do them, I tick them off and at the end of the day if there is a job that hasn't been done I move it to the next day, there is something enormously satisfying about completing every job on the list and tearing off the sheet and throwing it away. It innocently keeps me focused and on track.
I did have some photos of Ralph in the snow to show you, but my phone did a update and kindly deleted half my photos!
The one job that keeps getting pushed along to the next day and has done for over a week is writing Christmas cards, I just don't want to do it, I don't know why, I have always been really proud of how neat my hand writing is and lately its not been looking so legible, so it kind of feels like another failure that I cant produce such nice writing anymore. Parcel wrapping...now, I have been a bit crafty with that this year, I have made sure all my gifts are boxes or presents that are easily wrapped. Mum introduced me to M&S wrapping paper which has got cutting lines marked out in bold, so you follow the line with your scissors, but then I ran out so I opened a new roll that I brought from Sainsbury and was so pleased to see lines on the back of this paper too. As I was lent over the paper carefully snipping along the line, a voice says, what you up too? I say I am cutting along the lines of the wrapping paper stupid? the voice says...there are no lines on that paper, stupid! See, how incredible are we? My brain had remembered the lines from the other wrapping paper and was still seeing them on the new roll even though my eyes weren't!!
Well, I leave you with a photo of my lazy mate who likes to take up the whole sofa.
Speak Soon xx
Friday 1 December 2017
A Christmas Rant
I've been thinking.....I know, my lot tell me all the time I think way too much.....
I was thinking about how easy it is to cut ourselves off from the world outside our front doors, and I know I talk about that a lot, but what about when the tables turn and being cut off is taken out of our hands.
Take this time of the year for example, its the festive season and my Facebook page is alight with all the Christmas fayres, fetes, festivals and markets. I would love to attend some of the places that pop up, but I know without a doubt it would be a nightmare.
Lets all think about it for a moment.... Lets Take Mr and Mrs non disability, they get up on a Saturday morning and decide they will go off to, I dunno, lets say Wadderston Mannor to look at their Christmas light display and wonder around the market. No problem, off they go, parking is a bit of a bitch and if they were disabled they might have got a better parking space, but hey, they stomp across a muddy car park and enter through the gates. The place is packed with people wondering about, so busy looking at all the beautiful things that they aren't really aware of their immediate surroundings, so they might bump into someone, they might exchange apologies and the moment is forgotten. I know what it is like, I remember what it is like to be a 'normal' human, so I have lifted my children high above my head so they get the best view, I have pushed my way forward into the crowd standing around the stall selling hot chocolate and Gingerbread, I would happily pick my way though a over crowded café to buy lunch and still manage to spot an empty table and put my claim to it. I wouldn't feel pressured to move along as I looked at baubles and other Christmas decorations, and I didn't need to ask someone else what the price tag said, oh how things have changed. I hope I am not making it sound that I think that Mr and Mrs non disability are ignorant to others especially folks with a disability, because I am certainly not, I am, however, saying that these events are not very well thought out for people with a disability.
Yeah, ok, we do get the disabled parking. But from there on, to attend a large function is nothing more than carnage. Its impossible to use my cane in a over crowded venue, people shouldn't be expected to leap out of your way when they are enjoying themselves, they are focused on their families and savouring each moment, again, hands up, I have been there too. I once nearly landed in a wheelchair with a old lady because I was looking up at this amazing Christmas tree and had totally missed the carers sliding her along beside me, thankfully she thought it was funny and I was much lighter then so she wasn't too squashed, but within ten minutes I had forgotten it, but I can bet the carer and the old lady were on high alert for the rest of the day for strange women falling onto old ladies laps!
So, why cant these places open up for a couple of hours before Mr an Mrs non disability come along for people with disabilities and their families? I am fully aware that as a disabled person I don't always pay a full priced ticket because there are things I cant access, but I would much rather pay full price for a ticket for a couple of hours to be able to enjoy what everyone else is enjoying.
Just imagine, they could turn down the music a little, the place wouldn't be so busy, the pressure would be lessened and when the venue opened to the rest of the public they wouldn't have to worry about bumping into wheelchairs, tripping over white canes or standing open mouthed as a fully grown teenager has a complete melt down and because they haven't had any dealings with a autistic child they presume you are trailing a badly behaved monster around with you who deserves a slap!
Oh my god, and why isn't there some sort of system where we could go into a concert for example and the music doesn't get played so loud. The government goes on about inclusion, but there is no inclusion. #Debenhams....I dare you to open on a Sunday morning for two hours just for disabled people to do some Christmas shopping.
I long to experience Christmas as I used too, but I and so many others cant.
Maybe its because there is a bit of a taboo concerning people with disabilities and what the expectations are. wouldn't it be great if a company just said...look, what would you like? We are holding a Christmas event, its going to be over four days, should we shut to the general public for two hours on the first day of the event so that we can have a slot for disabled....but then I suppose you are always going to get some cranky old sod that disagrees.
Well, now I have got that rant out of my system I am going to switch on my Christmas lights and think about the fact that I want to go to a local Christmas market tomorrow.....
I was thinking about how easy it is to cut ourselves off from the world outside our front doors, and I know I talk about that a lot, but what about when the tables turn and being cut off is taken out of our hands.
Take this time of the year for example, its the festive season and my Facebook page is alight with all the Christmas fayres, fetes, festivals and markets. I would love to attend some of the places that pop up, but I know without a doubt it would be a nightmare.
Lets all think about it for a moment.... Lets Take Mr and Mrs non disability, they get up on a Saturday morning and decide they will go off to, I dunno, lets say Wadderston Mannor to look at their Christmas light display and wonder around the market. No problem, off they go, parking is a bit of a bitch and if they were disabled they might have got a better parking space, but hey, they stomp across a muddy car park and enter through the gates. The place is packed with people wondering about, so busy looking at all the beautiful things that they aren't really aware of their immediate surroundings, so they might bump into someone, they might exchange apologies and the moment is forgotten. I know what it is like, I remember what it is like to be a 'normal' human, so I have lifted my children high above my head so they get the best view, I have pushed my way forward into the crowd standing around the stall selling hot chocolate and Gingerbread, I would happily pick my way though a over crowded café to buy lunch and still manage to spot an empty table and put my claim to it. I wouldn't feel pressured to move along as I looked at baubles and other Christmas decorations, and I didn't need to ask someone else what the price tag said, oh how things have changed. I hope I am not making it sound that I think that Mr and Mrs non disability are ignorant to others especially folks with a disability, because I am certainly not, I am, however, saying that these events are not very well thought out for people with a disability.
Yeah, ok, we do get the disabled parking. But from there on, to attend a large function is nothing more than carnage. Its impossible to use my cane in a over crowded venue, people shouldn't be expected to leap out of your way when they are enjoying themselves, they are focused on their families and savouring each moment, again, hands up, I have been there too. I once nearly landed in a wheelchair with a old lady because I was looking up at this amazing Christmas tree and had totally missed the carers sliding her along beside me, thankfully she thought it was funny and I was much lighter then so she wasn't too squashed, but within ten minutes I had forgotten it, but I can bet the carer and the old lady were on high alert for the rest of the day for strange women falling onto old ladies laps!
So, why cant these places open up for a couple of hours before Mr an Mrs non disability come along for people with disabilities and their families? I am fully aware that as a disabled person I don't always pay a full priced ticket because there are things I cant access, but I would much rather pay full price for a ticket for a couple of hours to be able to enjoy what everyone else is enjoying.
Just imagine, they could turn down the music a little, the place wouldn't be so busy, the pressure would be lessened and when the venue opened to the rest of the public they wouldn't have to worry about bumping into wheelchairs, tripping over white canes or standing open mouthed as a fully grown teenager has a complete melt down and because they haven't had any dealings with a autistic child they presume you are trailing a badly behaved monster around with you who deserves a slap!
Oh my god, and why isn't there some sort of system where we could go into a concert for example and the music doesn't get played so loud. The government goes on about inclusion, but there is no inclusion. #Debenhams....I dare you to open on a Sunday morning for two hours just for disabled people to do some Christmas shopping.
I long to experience Christmas as I used too, but I and so many others cant.
Maybe its because there is a bit of a taboo concerning people with disabilities and what the expectations are. wouldn't it be great if a company just said...look, what would you like? We are holding a Christmas event, its going to be over four days, should we shut to the general public for two hours on the first day of the event so that we can have a slot for disabled....but then I suppose you are always going to get some cranky old sod that disagrees.
Well, now I have got that rant out of my system I am going to switch on my Christmas lights and think about the fact that I want to go to a local Christmas market tomorrow.....
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