I didn't sleep very well, so I was glad that it was my day off.
Literally, from the minute I sat up in bed and opened my eyes I was irritated, I felt around on my bedside table for my glasses, knocked them and they went flying off onto the floor, I then spent the next twenty minutes with my backside in the air as I dangled over the side of the bed patting the carpet with my hand trying to feel for my precious specs, how the hell they ended up right under the bed I will never know!
Once my specs were safely positioned on my face I found my contact lens case, and the usual contact lens application procedure commenced, same thing every day for the last 35 years, today, same as every day, I unscrew the pot, put the pot with the solution in on the bedside draws, and balance my specs and the little cage thingy that holds my contact lenses on the duvet, always the right eye first, my brain cant cope if the left one goes in first, so I have the little lens balanced on my finger ready to insert, and its gone, panic and irritation are never a good mix, for some strange reason, I thought I had put my specs on the bedside draws so I automatically put my hand out, knocking the pot of solution everywhere, nothing I can do about that right then, but there is no way i am ever going to find my lost lens with out any bloody sight at all, panic is still rising, then I remember my specs are on the duvet, so I very carefully feel around for them, once they were back on my face, I was able to gently search for the lens, another 20 minutes of my life I wont get back, but hey, at least I found the little bugger. Once both lenses were safely in my eyes, I turn to inspect the bedside draw spillage, only to find the solution dripping off the top straight onto the electrical extension lead, grabbing the first thing to hand (which happened to be a pair of knickers) I mopped up the solution, no real damage done, what I didn't notice was my phone sitting in a pool of solution on top of the draws!!
I suppose really that was a sign that I should stay in bed for the rest of the day, but NOOOOO, its my day off and I got STUFF I need to do.
Even walking Ralph was harder than usual, on our usual route, and I am concentrating on him so hard as he kept doing this odd thing, putting his ears back and tail tucked under his bum, and trying to walk in between my legs, so I stop and pay him some attention, as most dog owners would, I gave him a fuss and a whole five minute conversation on what he thought the problem might be and how I was going to help him, but I wasn't going to carry him, because he is NOT a puppy, he is a big boy....bla, bla, bla. Then I feel someone watching me, something isn't right, the traffic has stopped, and I can hear idle engines, right on que, as I'm starting to come out of the world of Ralph, a horn beeps and another, turns out I am standing right in the middle of some ones drive, they are holding up the whole of the early morning rush hour as they are waiting to enter the drive, it makes me jump, which makes Ralph skittish, I sign sorry and rush away mumbling under my breath that I must have looked like a right twit.
Anyway, whatever the problem was with Ralph had gone by the time we arrived home, I did a few household jobs and got ready to face the shops.
Last week I made a terrible job of doing my .com delivery, when it arrived, I think it contained, milk, bread, few tins of beans and some chicken, how I though the three of us were going to manage on that for a whole week I don't know!
So, youngest daughter and I go to Home Bargains first, anything that had the word 'antibacterial' on the label had been stripped from the shelves, so no chance of finding any sanitising hand gel there then! I did managed to buy a couple of packets of flu tablets, but that was it.
The biggest worry for me, was how slow I was today, Youngest daughter, kept saying 'come on Mum, hurry up' but I just couldn't, I was having a major sensory overload, no panic attack really, but I just seemed to be struggling to process what was around me, if anything I was annoyed with myself. Is this because I have fallen into a safe routine again? and I have stopped going into unfamiliar places? OR is there something wrong? Has my sight deteriorated again? I know one day it is going too, but I'm not ready for that yet.
My brain is begging my eyes and legs to move quicker, but its like when there is something wrong with a car engine, it goes into a safety mode, well, that's exactly what happened this morning, I went into safety mode!
This is something entirely new, I usually have a full blown panic attack and end up sobbing my heart out, but it didn't happen, alright, I ended up forgetting half the things I went in for, but that's not really a problem.
Next stop #Tesco Baldock, this is where things got interesting, there were no disabled parking bays left, so we parked further away, but walking from the car to the shop felt like I was walking on sponge, making my balance slightly out, pushing the trolley helped. By the time we had got to the veg isle, the daughter had her phone out and was checking things off our list nicely, no one really noticed us, we didn't stand out, we were just regular dudes doing our shopping, then there was this woman...daughter notices her first, this daughter is especially attentive and aware of MY surroundings for me, so she notices that this woman is a bit too close to me so she puts herself in between us and try's to give me a bit more space.
But as we go along, we somehow get separated, and she ends up looking at the onions whilst I am looking at the carrots, as I turn around to pop the carrots into my trolley, the same woman is so close to me I could smell her breakfast! ….Ohhhhh there's that panic I was talking about, right there! so , it hadn't gone anywhere after all!! I couldn't get away, her trolley was blocking me in, I didn't like whatever she had been eating, then I could feel the daughter at my elbow...safety, the daughter is just about ready to punch this woman right out, BUT I calmly(ish) grab my hand bag and pull out my #Sunflower lanyard.
The woman instantly backs off like I had just tasered her, puts her head down and scurries off, giving me a wide birth.
I slip the lanyard over my head, and the world suddenly became a different place, well, Tesco became a different place anyway. Everyone was much more tolerant of me, giving me space and the staff seemed to appear from nowhere with big smiles and acknowledgement of their presence, I wasn't asked out right if I needed help, mostly I assume because I had the Rottweiler daughter at my side, but it didn't matter, I knew they knew, and the difference it made to me was astounding. When we got to the checkout, I was asked if I needed any support at all, and when the long que behind me started to get fussy, the checkout lady was reassuring and didn't attempt to rush me along.
I totally recommend using the lanyard everyone, it really does help, when I did all the trails for it with RNIB, I knew it was a good thing, but didn't realise what a difference it would make to me.
By the time I got home, I was cold and I had a splitting headache, we put away the shopping and I sat on the lounge floor with my back against the radiator, the next thing I remember was waking up face down on the carpet! When I was a kid, my Mum used to say she thought I could sleep anywhere, turns out its true, couple of hours kip on the living room carpet has done me the world of good!! x
