Hello there everyone.
As you all know, I am a great believer in 'everything happening for a reason', so when I bumped into a lady while I was shopping the other day, some of her words stuck at the front of my mind.
This lady, is one of the kindest, sweetest ladies I've ever had the pleasure of working alongside, she was a friendly face when I started working at school all those years ago, and she continued to be that happy smiling friendly face right up until the day I left.
When I saw her...yes, I saw her first, which never happens, I literally don't see anything much when I am in a shop, especially one that I am unfamiliar with, I don't know why, I just knew it was her.
So we had a mini catch up in the middle of New Look, somewhere during the conversation, she mentioned Diary of a blind lady, and how much she enjoyed reading the blogs. This was really lovely to hear, and for a flash I felt proud, until we talked about how I tend only to write when I am stressed or these is a problem. I don't think I ever write when I am happy or things are going well. I realise that over the years I probably have shared more downs than ups with you all.
This realisation stopped me in my tracks a bit really, I cant really describe how I feel, a mixture of sadness and irritation. I so didn't want to end up whinging and moaning about the things life has dealt me.
SO, I am actually doing really well at the moment! I travelled to Suffolk, all on my own on the train, with no real problems until I got to Ipswich, where if I'd listened properly to the railway employee on the platform, I would have walked up the correct railway bridge bringing me down on the correct platform for my connecting train, but in perfect Lynda style, I stopped listening to him and promptly went to the wrong bridge! No real problems though, because as I stood on a unfamiliar platform wondering where the hell I was, a nice lady came along and said...I bet you are looking for platform 1,...easy as that, she was heading there too, and she was getting off at Woodbridge too!
We had planned that my friends husband would take me home, but I was so confident I did the return journey on my own via the train too!!
Again, no nasty moments occurred and I enjoyed 3 hours travelling through the countryside on the train.
I have joined the Stories Library team at RNIB, London, and will start writing for them at the end of August, I've already have my first interview set up nd am bursting with ideas and contacts. This is very exciting for me, there will be a desk available to me so I can join the team and write from there, but I can also write from home, Which is perfect as I can go into London when it suits me. Writing is something I really love, this is opening a door for me to really get my teeth into writing and proving to myself that this is something else I can do independently.
My role with Tesco has turned a massive corner too, and I seem to be mastering the art of Stock Control, changing from red to green...took a good eight months, but I did it.
For a while, I was falling behind with housework and gardening, mostly because I fell into a habit of walking in the door at 1.30, making myself lunch and sitting my backside on the sofa and not moving it until it was time to get up and cook tea!! This week I've snapped out of that, I've replanted the tree in my back garden that blew down crushing all my flowers over the stormy weekend, I also got out the ladder and trimmed the tree in my front garden...I'll admit, I'm not sure its the best shaped tree in the world but hey, there is so much more light pouring through the kitchen window.
I've been for lunch with some old work mates and made the effort to make time for some of my friends which I kept putting off, only because I was so tired.
So all in all, life isn't so bad at the moment.
This has been the longest amount of time I've been 'well'. I haven't had a day off sick let alone having to rush up to Moorfields with any problems. I know this is something I shouldn't be saying out loud, and certainly something I shouldn't be boasting about. so fingers crossed that it lasts a long long time.
Speak soon xx
Wednesday 14 August 2019
Monday 1 July 2019
Understanding others
Hey everyone, you know, sometimes I hear some things that either drive me mad with frustration or I simply cant get them straight in my head and end up pondering them until my brain is sore!
Yesterday, I heard two different stories of companies saying there are unable to offer assistance because of the GDP regulations!! What the actual Fudge?!!
It seems to me, some companies bothered to actually read the regulations and took the time to educate their staff while others, well, others simply couldn't be arsed, or maybe they are considered half arsed!!
Some folks, all with sight impairments go along to a very well known restaurant (now I know I need to use GDP as I am passing on information that isn't mine, and as I wasn't there I cannot say that the information is accurate so I cannot name the company...Principle number 4 (Data Accuracy)) LOL
Its my understanding that GDP is more to do with the way our private information is stored by other companies and assuring that it is not passed on with out our knowledge or agreement. I also understand that the fines for breaching this legislation are MASSIVE!
Anyhoo, These folks were having a get together, had a fairly average meal I would suspect and asked for the bill at the end. Out of this group of people not one of them had the ability to read the bill so asked for assistance but was refused on ….GDPR grounds!!
Again, I say ..What the actual Fudge!! So these BIND people sat around their table for another 45 minutes while they tried to sort out their bill!! It appears they were not asking the member of staff to do anything other than read out the items on the bill as none of them could see the print to read it. My first thought was..why didn't they just split the bill between them and then it wouldn't have mattered, but, I know what it is like when you have budgeted how much you can spend and then you end up paying towards three bottles of wine which you didn't drink any of.
What a bloody disgrace though!
HOWEVERRRRRR. After I worked through my anger and concern about how degrading it must have been for the people sitting around the table, I had a little think...I'm going to put the cat amongst the pigeons now...these companies...some of these companies I should say, have in place policies that prevent their staff from assisting people with these little personal activities like paying your bill or having help to access the ATM machine.
Barclays, have always assisted me with my banking, since they have replaced humans with machines I have real trouble accessing the machines for banking. The business banking counter is still manned by a human but there is always a long queue so I ask for help and they are always more than happy to do so, BUT, If I should go to a supermarket for example and ask if I could have assistance to use either the ATM of the self service machine, would I get the same support?... No probably not, and this is because the law gets murky and people become untrustworthy. If a supermarket could say hand on heart that every single one of their employees would help a blind or disabled person use a cash machine and not risk taking that persons private info, I'm afraid they would be a bit naïve. This works both ways too, if the employer ensures its employees stick to their policies then they are protected from accusations. Its such a crazy world we live in and sadly, even as individuals, we need to think about our actions and what the outcome could be.
Only last week I saw a elderly lady with her grandchildren, one in a pushchair and a little boy about 5 years old. She was carrying a ton of shopping and the little boy has picked up some sweets which hadn't been paid for, she was trying to get him to put them back but he was having none of it. it was turning messy, the little child in the push chair was getting grumpy, the shopping was going all over the floor and the little boy was screaming at his Nana that 'HE WAS GOING TO HAVE THE SWEEITES' the poor woman was in a right pickle...so what do I do? Ignore the situation? Do I offer help? Is this going to backfire on me if I ask the lady if she needs help. Do I slap the kids legs and tell him he is horrible to his Nana? (this would defo get me into trouble so I put this thought onto the back burner) in the end I asked her if I could help in anyway and she thanked me but said she felt the only way to move forward from the situation was to give in and buy him the sweeties...despite my brain screaming NOOOOOOOOOOO DONT DO IT!!! my mouth said, well would you like me to stand with the push chair while you pop back inside with your grandson?
Even though I was incredibly disappointed in this ladies grandparenting skills I was constantly conscious of how quickly the situation could change so although this is not a direct example of how GDP can effect how we work, it is an example of being aware of how to deal with a situation without ending up being accused of suggesting that the little boy needs to learn that if he doesn't do as he is told he is going to spend a lonely afternoon in his bed!
ATM's are a common place for fraud, a few years ago, a relative ended up having his bank account emptied just be being distracted for a second!
Some people carry a 'I cant wait card' which should allow them to use the toilet anywhere, because, they really cannot wait. I'm sure anyone with this card would rather they didn't have to use it, but the reason for this is that these conditions are unpredictable, but some companies say they cannot honour this because they are not insured! Some years ago when I had an infection in my Colon, I found myself in a clothes shop and needing to use the loo desperately, the shop assistant (even though I don't have a card) immediately showed me to the toilet and busied herself in the corridor until I was finished. On the way out I took more notice and realised that I was walking past the staff room where information was pinned up on a notice board (luckily for them I couldn't see it well enough to read it) but more importantly I was sauntering past a ton of brand new stock! Thousands of pounds worth of designer jeans Just hanging around! That has to be one of the reasons companies don't want you rumbling around in their back store.
The thing is technology is fab if you can use it, and if you cant it suddenly puts you in a uncomfortable position.
Lets take buying train tickets. I always use the human in the ticket booth, but occasionally the booth is shut, so then I have a dilemma. Years ago they used to have a little red machine called a permit to travel. You could put as little or as much in as you wanted, a little slip would be printed out and you could get on the train knowing you had brought some kind of a ticket and you also knew you would have to pay the rest of the ticket price at the other end of the journey. I am a little fickle and I always check the price of my tickets so when I used the permit to travel I would put in the correct price of the fare! Am I making sense? Since these red machines have been removed I'm a little stuffed. If I get on a train without a ticket I spend the whole journey sitting on the edge of my seat waiting to be confronted by the ticket inspector, I have the exact fare price clutched in my sweaty hand and I feel like I am a criminal! Then when I get to the other end, I have to explain why I didn't buy a ticket, causing more anxiety. The other option is to ask a stranger to help...here we encounter all sorts of problems, are they really buying the ticket I asked for, even though I know how much my ticket should be, I know that sometimes they seem to charge more. Nine times out of ten, they are card only machines, which is ok if you spend less than £30 and use contactless (assuming contactless actually works) otherwise I need to ask for help to know when to put my pin number in, I also sometimes have trouble getting the card in the reader the right way round. The stranger might be a genuine helpful person, or the person might see an whooping great opportunity to relieve me of my hard earned Wonga.
Anyway, I seem to have gone way off the subject, and I do understand why people would think twice about helping people with their personal stuff, but does any humanity for others come into this at all?
I think this is why I try to think ahead all the time, to avoid situations just like the whole train ticket thing, if I know I need to make a train journey I usually go and buy the ticket a week before, then I know I have it, and part of the stress of doing something on my own is relieved.
Doing stuff on our own is incredibly valuable, I find I am doing things independently less and less these days. Access to work pay for a taxi to and from my work place. Both my girls drive now so I have a personal lift on tap! And they get a little offended if I say I want to do something on my own. I miss my independence desperately, and life is difficult enough without all the complications of things being inaccessible!
All that said, today I brought my train ticket from a human behind the glass for my trip to Woodbridge on Thursday....ON MY OWN!! My youngest daughter is already stressing that I wont be able to manage without her constant herding, defending and protecting from the big wide world. When on earth did our roles swap? I'm the Mum and I'm supposed to do all the worrying and bossing!
I will let you know how I get on regaining a little independence.
Speak Soon xx
Yesterday, I heard two different stories of companies saying there are unable to offer assistance because of the GDP regulations!! What the actual Fudge?!!
It seems to me, some companies bothered to actually read the regulations and took the time to educate their staff while others, well, others simply couldn't be arsed, or maybe they are considered half arsed!!
Some folks, all with sight impairments go along to a very well known restaurant (now I know I need to use GDP as I am passing on information that isn't mine, and as I wasn't there I cannot say that the information is accurate so I cannot name the company...Principle number 4 (Data Accuracy)) LOL
Its my understanding that GDP is more to do with the way our private information is stored by other companies and assuring that it is not passed on with out our knowledge or agreement. I also understand that the fines for breaching this legislation are MASSIVE!
Anyhoo, These folks were having a get together, had a fairly average meal I would suspect and asked for the bill at the end. Out of this group of people not one of them had the ability to read the bill so asked for assistance but was refused on ….GDPR grounds!!
Again, I say ..What the actual Fudge!! So these BIND people sat around their table for another 45 minutes while they tried to sort out their bill!! It appears they were not asking the member of staff to do anything other than read out the items on the bill as none of them could see the print to read it. My first thought was..why didn't they just split the bill between them and then it wouldn't have mattered, but, I know what it is like when you have budgeted how much you can spend and then you end up paying towards three bottles of wine which you didn't drink any of.
What a bloody disgrace though!
HOWEVERRRRRR. After I worked through my anger and concern about how degrading it must have been for the people sitting around the table, I had a little think...I'm going to put the cat amongst the pigeons now...these companies...some of these companies I should say, have in place policies that prevent their staff from assisting people with these little personal activities like paying your bill or having help to access the ATM machine.
Barclays, have always assisted me with my banking, since they have replaced humans with machines I have real trouble accessing the machines for banking. The business banking counter is still manned by a human but there is always a long queue so I ask for help and they are always more than happy to do so, BUT, If I should go to a supermarket for example and ask if I could have assistance to use either the ATM of the self service machine, would I get the same support?... No probably not, and this is because the law gets murky and people become untrustworthy. If a supermarket could say hand on heart that every single one of their employees would help a blind or disabled person use a cash machine and not risk taking that persons private info, I'm afraid they would be a bit naïve. This works both ways too, if the employer ensures its employees stick to their policies then they are protected from accusations. Its such a crazy world we live in and sadly, even as individuals, we need to think about our actions and what the outcome could be.
Only last week I saw a elderly lady with her grandchildren, one in a pushchair and a little boy about 5 years old. She was carrying a ton of shopping and the little boy has picked up some sweets which hadn't been paid for, she was trying to get him to put them back but he was having none of it. it was turning messy, the little child in the push chair was getting grumpy, the shopping was going all over the floor and the little boy was screaming at his Nana that 'HE WAS GOING TO HAVE THE SWEEITES' the poor woman was in a right pickle...so what do I do? Ignore the situation? Do I offer help? Is this going to backfire on me if I ask the lady if she needs help. Do I slap the kids legs and tell him he is horrible to his Nana? (this would defo get me into trouble so I put this thought onto the back burner) in the end I asked her if I could help in anyway and she thanked me but said she felt the only way to move forward from the situation was to give in and buy him the sweeties...despite my brain screaming NOOOOOOOOOOO DONT DO IT!!! my mouth said, well would you like me to stand with the push chair while you pop back inside with your grandson?
Even though I was incredibly disappointed in this ladies grandparenting skills I was constantly conscious of how quickly the situation could change so although this is not a direct example of how GDP can effect how we work, it is an example of being aware of how to deal with a situation without ending up being accused of suggesting that the little boy needs to learn that if he doesn't do as he is told he is going to spend a lonely afternoon in his bed!
ATM's are a common place for fraud, a few years ago, a relative ended up having his bank account emptied just be being distracted for a second!
Some people carry a 'I cant wait card' which should allow them to use the toilet anywhere, because, they really cannot wait. I'm sure anyone with this card would rather they didn't have to use it, but the reason for this is that these conditions are unpredictable, but some companies say they cannot honour this because they are not insured! Some years ago when I had an infection in my Colon, I found myself in a clothes shop and needing to use the loo desperately, the shop assistant (even though I don't have a card) immediately showed me to the toilet and busied herself in the corridor until I was finished. On the way out I took more notice and realised that I was walking past the staff room where information was pinned up on a notice board (luckily for them I couldn't see it well enough to read it) but more importantly I was sauntering past a ton of brand new stock! Thousands of pounds worth of designer jeans Just hanging around! That has to be one of the reasons companies don't want you rumbling around in their back store.
The thing is technology is fab if you can use it, and if you cant it suddenly puts you in a uncomfortable position.
Lets take buying train tickets. I always use the human in the ticket booth, but occasionally the booth is shut, so then I have a dilemma. Years ago they used to have a little red machine called a permit to travel. You could put as little or as much in as you wanted, a little slip would be printed out and you could get on the train knowing you had brought some kind of a ticket and you also knew you would have to pay the rest of the ticket price at the other end of the journey. I am a little fickle and I always check the price of my tickets so when I used the permit to travel I would put in the correct price of the fare! Am I making sense? Since these red machines have been removed I'm a little stuffed. If I get on a train without a ticket I spend the whole journey sitting on the edge of my seat waiting to be confronted by the ticket inspector, I have the exact fare price clutched in my sweaty hand and I feel like I am a criminal! Then when I get to the other end, I have to explain why I didn't buy a ticket, causing more anxiety. The other option is to ask a stranger to help...here we encounter all sorts of problems, are they really buying the ticket I asked for, even though I know how much my ticket should be, I know that sometimes they seem to charge more. Nine times out of ten, they are card only machines, which is ok if you spend less than £30 and use contactless (assuming contactless actually works) otherwise I need to ask for help to know when to put my pin number in, I also sometimes have trouble getting the card in the reader the right way round. The stranger might be a genuine helpful person, or the person might see an whooping great opportunity to relieve me of my hard earned Wonga.
Anyway, I seem to have gone way off the subject, and I do understand why people would think twice about helping people with their personal stuff, but does any humanity for others come into this at all?
I think this is why I try to think ahead all the time, to avoid situations just like the whole train ticket thing, if I know I need to make a train journey I usually go and buy the ticket a week before, then I know I have it, and part of the stress of doing something on my own is relieved.
Doing stuff on our own is incredibly valuable, I find I am doing things independently less and less these days. Access to work pay for a taxi to and from my work place. Both my girls drive now so I have a personal lift on tap! And they get a little offended if I say I want to do something on my own. I miss my independence desperately, and life is difficult enough without all the complications of things being inaccessible!
All that said, today I brought my train ticket from a human behind the glass for my trip to Woodbridge on Thursday....ON MY OWN!! My youngest daughter is already stressing that I wont be able to manage without her constant herding, defending and protecting from the big wide world. When on earth did our roles swap? I'm the Mum and I'm supposed to do all the worrying and bossing!
I will let you know how I get on regaining a little independence.
Speak Soon xx
Wednesday 19 June 2019
Distorted thoughts
I literally have no idea what I was blabbering on about last night, all I know is that the dentist assured me that I wouldn't have any pain once the numbness had worn off....well, POO on you Mr Dentist man, my tooth hurts like hell!!
Today I have struggled to hold myself together, partly because I am niggled with pain but mostly because I am feeling such anger at the injustice of the things we are dealt in our lives. Its SOOOO very important not to compare our lives to others, and to remember that our experiences are our own, there is no-one that has that exact same experience, no-one feels the way you do about it and no-one can put themselves into your shoes.
I hate that from time to time, an event or something will come along and remind me of 'what could have been'.....a completely useless thought, but none the less, these thoughts have crept into my mind and there is no ignoring them until I have processed the way I feel and managed to filter out the damaging thoughts that completely distort my mental health.
So, I wonder what I would be doing if my sight wasn't so poor. I cant help but feel cheated in life, I feel like my brain is fully (ish) functioning but I'm broken so I will never be able to work at my full capacity. And that's not bloody fair!
Don't get me wrong, I totally understand that everyone finds themselves thinking in this kind of way, I have two friends, one whose Mum passed away recently and has been left juggling home life, work and her broken father. the other friend, lost her Daughter many years ago, each of these ladies must wonder what could have been, and I feel incredible empathy for my friends. BUT at this moment my grief feels enormous, time is supposed to be a healer, frankly, that's crap. We fold all our thoughts and feelings away into little boxes in our brains, we learn to live with these boxes. We accept they are there and always treat them with respect for fear of the boxes falling over and all the contents come spilling out all over our nice straight forward lives.
My boxes feel like they have been knocked over and stamped on! The trouble is, I am one to focus on what is happening in the present, so the past is, well, its the past, so when an event for example pops up and causes me to remember the past, things I might add which are happy memories, I some how manage to distort those happy memories into dark ones by remembering what my sight was like before, and then end up comparing then to now....are you all still with me?
All this thinking business drastically upsets my mood, and I just feel sad. Sad and angry. So, I sink into a not really wanting to talk to anyone mode while I let the memories flood back and I try to pop them back into their boxes once I have straightened them out a little.
This process, I've noticed. gets harder each time, and I think it is because I don't really know how much I am capable of. There is no line or barrier which says 'Lynda, You cannot pass beyond this barrier, so turn back and just stay in the safe zone'...so how do I know what to aim for?
I do know how lucky I am but, today, it doesn't stop me wanting to know what I would be doing today if I could see better Somethings, I suppose were always going to happen, but what about the other things like driving and the job I have.
And just like that, one box is picked up and packed away....as I wrote about my job in the last sentence, faces popped into my head, faces of the people I work alongside and faces of some of the customers, and I smiled! A big fat stupid smile as I think about a stupid conversation that was had this afternoon while putting out a soft drinks cage. Suddenly I feel like I've brought myself back to the present just by talking to you!
Earlier, I stood looking at the rain hammering on my front garden and thought about all the times I had mown the lawn until it had to be taken up because I kept mowing over the electrical cord....What I wasn't seeing was this...
Today I have struggled to hold myself together, partly because I am niggled with pain but mostly because I am feeling such anger at the injustice of the things we are dealt in our lives. Its SOOOO very important not to compare our lives to others, and to remember that our experiences are our own, there is no-one that has that exact same experience, no-one feels the way you do about it and no-one can put themselves into your shoes.
I hate that from time to time, an event or something will come along and remind me of 'what could have been'.....a completely useless thought, but none the less, these thoughts have crept into my mind and there is no ignoring them until I have processed the way I feel and managed to filter out the damaging thoughts that completely distort my mental health.
So, I wonder what I would be doing if my sight wasn't so poor. I cant help but feel cheated in life, I feel like my brain is fully (ish) functioning but I'm broken so I will never be able to work at my full capacity. And that's not bloody fair!
Don't get me wrong, I totally understand that everyone finds themselves thinking in this kind of way, I have two friends, one whose Mum passed away recently and has been left juggling home life, work and her broken father. the other friend, lost her Daughter many years ago, each of these ladies must wonder what could have been, and I feel incredible empathy for my friends. BUT at this moment my grief feels enormous, time is supposed to be a healer, frankly, that's crap. We fold all our thoughts and feelings away into little boxes in our brains, we learn to live with these boxes. We accept they are there and always treat them with respect for fear of the boxes falling over and all the contents come spilling out all over our nice straight forward lives.
My boxes feel like they have been knocked over and stamped on! The trouble is, I am one to focus on what is happening in the present, so the past is, well, its the past, so when an event for example pops up and causes me to remember the past, things I might add which are happy memories, I some how manage to distort those happy memories into dark ones by remembering what my sight was like before, and then end up comparing then to now....are you all still with me?
All this thinking business drastically upsets my mood, and I just feel sad. Sad and angry. So, I sink into a not really wanting to talk to anyone mode while I let the memories flood back and I try to pop them back into their boxes once I have straightened them out a little.
This process, I've noticed. gets harder each time, and I think it is because I don't really know how much I am capable of. There is no line or barrier which says 'Lynda, You cannot pass beyond this barrier, so turn back and just stay in the safe zone'...so how do I know what to aim for?
I do know how lucky I am but, today, it doesn't stop me wanting to know what I would be doing today if I could see better Somethings, I suppose were always going to happen, but what about the other things like driving and the job I have.
And just like that, one box is picked up and packed away....as I wrote about my job in the last sentence, faces popped into my head, faces of the people I work alongside and faces of some of the customers, and I smiled! A big fat stupid smile as I think about a stupid conversation that was had this afternoon while putting out a soft drinks cage. Suddenly I feel like I've brought myself back to the present just by talking to you!
Earlier, I stood looking at the rain hammering on my front garden and thought about all the times I had mown the lawn until it had to be taken up because I kept mowing over the electrical cord....What I wasn't seeing was this...
I did that!! Well, the plants did the growing themselves, but I dug up all the grass, replaced it with shingle and planted all these plants from the bargain bench at my local garden centre!
I am not daft enough to think correcting any form of mental health is as easy as that, but we all function differently, I loose my way from time to time, and become fixated on the negatives, but I'm aware that I am doing this, I suppose in a way its a kind of self harm, I want to feel that pain and grief because I should, because I must remember that I was once a sighted person and that I have been CHEATED out of having a normal life!!
I wonder what sort of a normal sighted person I would have been! Maybe I would have been a brain surgeon (lets be realistic) maybe I could have had a driving job OR maybe I could have progressed to being a higher level teaching assistant in the job I loved, maybe I could have been a pilot!
But would I be the person I am today? I certainly wouldn't be sitting here writing to you and I certainly wouldn't have met some inspiring and wonderful people through a charity that I probably wouldn't have taken a second glance at.
Maybe being me isn't so bad after all! Maybe I should take all of those special little memories and take them for exactly what they are...MY memories, no-one else's.
..MINE...and no-one, no matter what they say or think can remove those memories.
Well, now I've had a good cry and my contact lenses are all foggy I suppose I should go and get ready for ladies night at the swimming pool, after all, no matter how shitty we feel, life has this habit of carrying on without you, so I feel I have two choices, be sucked back or keep a step ahead....betchya cant guess which way I'm heading?....Tomorrow is a new day. Speak soon x
Tuesday 18 June 2019
Tooth ache
Afternoon all!
As I am sitting here waiting for the swelling to go down in my face, I thought I'd drop you a line or two!
Tooth ache descended two days ago, and as most of us do, I totally ignored it, took a shed load of painkillers and hoped it would go away. Unfortunately it didn't, and after having what I can only describe as 'proper tooth ache' a couple of years ago and ending up in hospital having morphine squeezed into my system, I am more than aware that if tooth ache doesn't go away within a couple of days, then I need to get my backside to the dentist asap!
I changed dentist surgeries about 18 months ago, not because there was anything wrong with the actual dentistry I was receiving, but because the receptionists were like a group of Rottweilers that had been starved for a month!
The receptionists at the new dentists must have gone to a completely different school of 'how to be a receptionist' because they are super lovely. They have it on my notes that I am RSS and therefore always help me fill in forms without and arguments, they always explain where the examination room is...instead of barking that I need to go wait upstairs in waiting room one!
The dentist is a young chap, with lovely black scribbly hair and a gentle manner. My emergency appointment today found that I've a tooth which has died and is now causing nerve damage.
I recon the biggest mistake I make when I go to the dentist, is looking at the size of the bloody needle!!
Even when the dentist says....'just a small scratch'.... I'm lying there thinking, 'how the hell will something that size make nothing more than a small scratch!'
Anyway, the tooth has been drilled and packed, next week I've an appointment to have the tooth removed
Tooth ache makes me grumpy, I hate everyone and it makes me feel crappy. I am annoyed that having a simple normal thing like tooth ache, can make me feel so tired, why is it that the smallest change takes time to adjust.
Its like hay fever, lets talk about hay fever!!
If you are a contact lens wearer, you will understand the irritation of the snotty film that forms across the lens, rubbing, scratching and itching just spreads the snotty pollen into a different position on the surface of the lens. I don't ever remember having hay fever as a child, in fact I'm sure I only started with it last year. Why do some people really suffer and others don't?
I mean, I don't really 'suffer' but the snotty stuff just distorts the little vision I have, I recon I must take my contacts out about twenty times a day, clean them and put them back in again, only for them to snot back up again a few minutes later!!
PLUS, I recon its worse after its been raining. I though the rain was supposed to dampen down the pollen.
Right, enough moaning! I can feel my tongue slightly, which is good because I'm starving!
Its crazy really, I'm sure I must have looked and sounded hilarious, constantly dribbling and talking like I've got a mouth full of marshmallow!
I'm off to cook my microwave meal which I chose specifically because its soft and there's not too much chewing involved, there is nothing worse than biting your tongue while you're numbed up, then when it wears off you've got one hell of a sore tongue.
Anyways, I'm off to enjoy my chicken korma.
Speak real soon x
As I am sitting here waiting for the swelling to go down in my face, I thought I'd drop you a line or two!
Tooth ache descended two days ago, and as most of us do, I totally ignored it, took a shed load of painkillers and hoped it would go away. Unfortunately it didn't, and after having what I can only describe as 'proper tooth ache' a couple of years ago and ending up in hospital having morphine squeezed into my system, I am more than aware that if tooth ache doesn't go away within a couple of days, then I need to get my backside to the dentist asap!
I changed dentist surgeries about 18 months ago, not because there was anything wrong with the actual dentistry I was receiving, but because the receptionists were like a group of Rottweilers that had been starved for a month!
The receptionists at the new dentists must have gone to a completely different school of 'how to be a receptionist' because they are super lovely. They have it on my notes that I am RSS and therefore always help me fill in forms without and arguments, they always explain where the examination room is...instead of barking that I need to go wait upstairs in waiting room one!
The dentist is a young chap, with lovely black scribbly hair and a gentle manner. My emergency appointment today found that I've a tooth which has died and is now causing nerve damage.
I recon the biggest mistake I make when I go to the dentist, is looking at the size of the bloody needle!!
Even when the dentist says....'just a small scratch'.... I'm lying there thinking, 'how the hell will something that size make nothing more than a small scratch!'
Anyway, the tooth has been drilled and packed, next week I've an appointment to have the tooth removed
Tooth ache makes me grumpy, I hate everyone and it makes me feel crappy. I am annoyed that having a simple normal thing like tooth ache, can make me feel so tired, why is it that the smallest change takes time to adjust.
Its like hay fever, lets talk about hay fever!!
If you are a contact lens wearer, you will understand the irritation of the snotty film that forms across the lens, rubbing, scratching and itching just spreads the snotty pollen into a different position on the surface of the lens. I don't ever remember having hay fever as a child, in fact I'm sure I only started with it last year. Why do some people really suffer and others don't?
I mean, I don't really 'suffer' but the snotty stuff just distorts the little vision I have, I recon I must take my contacts out about twenty times a day, clean them and put them back in again, only for them to snot back up again a few minutes later!!
PLUS, I recon its worse after its been raining. I though the rain was supposed to dampen down the pollen.
Right, enough moaning! I can feel my tongue slightly, which is good because I'm starving!
Its crazy really, I'm sure I must have looked and sounded hilarious, constantly dribbling and talking like I've got a mouth full of marshmallow!
I'm off to cook my microwave meal which I chose specifically because its soft and there's not too much chewing involved, there is nothing worse than biting your tongue while you're numbed up, then when it wears off you've got one hell of a sore tongue.
Anyways, I'm off to enjoy my chicken korma.
Speak real soon x
Monday 3 June 2019
exploring the 4x4!
Do you ever get those days where you don't seem to have gotten anywhere? Time has been ahead for me all day, I made a list of jobs that I must get done today and out of the fifteen things that were on it, six have gone onto tomorrows list!
Anyway, writing was on the list, so here I am!
As promised, Just a little blog on the 4x4 driving experience day!!!!!
Thursday night I got myself all prepared for an early start the next day and decided to have a earlyish night, went to lock my front door and my keys were missing, a casual look through my bag soon turned into a frantic hunt, tipping the contents all over the kitchen table, and searching in the same places ten times just in case it had magically appeared!
Mentally retracing my steps I realised the last time I had them was at work and that's exactly where they still were. This meant my meticulously planned morning had to be re jigged to include a trip to work to retrieve my keys.
So, My plans had to be moved forward an hour and 5am Friday morning found me walking Ralph over the fields, although I have to say, that time of the morning is very beautiful, and Ralph was happy to sit and watch the deer and rabbits!...NOT, the crazy bloody dog was chasing the poor animals all round the fields, with me screaming at him to come back like some crazy woman, then he decided it would be a great idea to roll around in fox poo, he comes running up to me with this stupid flappy grin on his face, all pleased with him self..'smell that Mum, don't I smell fab'....no, you actually smell like you have been living in the bottom of a food waste bin for the last three weeks! I suppose the only consolation was that there's no-one else about that time of the morning, so the only person that he shared the smell with was me!!
I had to pick up the train from Hitchin instead of Arlesey, but it didn't seem to be a problem and I was let through the gates, found myself a seat on the platform and sat relaxing in the sun.
The train from Hitchin to Cambridge was on time and I was quite shocked to find there were plenty of places to sit. I arrived into Cambridge about 7 minutes before my friends train was due in and about 14 minutes before our connecting train to Thetford would leave. The train was already at the platform and again finding a seat was easy! Once my friend and I were settled in our seats the journey to Thetford just flew by as we chatted and nattered.
Once at Thetford we were met by Malcolm! Now, Malcolm is in charge of the 4x4 experience days, but, just flipping back a minute, So all the while we were travelling we were two blind ladies, no one really interacted with us, we immediately accepted each others disability and tuned into the level of assistance each of us needed and just got on with it. But, when Malcolm met us, I noticed something I hadn't before. I feel a little ignorant that I haven't thought of this before.
Malcolm leaps out of his 4x4 in the car park, introduces himself and chats about the programme of the day. It was all very normal, until he asks us to get in the car, the three of us make our way to the car/truck thingy, (three because a young man had joined us) and there, as my two fellow blind people went to put themselves into the truck, I held back ever so slightly and saw Malcolm have a awkward moment where he didn't know how much help to offer. In that second I saw 'politically correct' (or disability correct) flash across his face..how much support do I offer...I don't want to offend...is it ok to touch the persons arm to help them in the truck....etc
Suddenly I am looking at sighted folks in a whole different light. How difficult is it for regular people to know what we need? Talk about treading on egg shells! and then I saw relief in his body language as Brad had jumped in the front passenger seat and Suzanne had nipped around the truck to get in the back seat beside me, leaving Malcolm still standing on the tarmac, the trip to the Elveden Estate was nice and relaxed as I think Malcolm had worked out that we didn't consider our disability to disable us in any way!
Anyway, my excitement was level 10000 and after we had had our breakfast at the on site restaurant I was ready to rumble. We had a de-brief and as there was 11 of us blindies driving, they take two couples in two trucks.
Who wants to go first.....ohhh hell yeah, that'll be meeee!
I was paired up with Suzanne and I know she wont mind me telling you that watching and feeling her elation at being able to drive again was almost as wonderful as my own experience behind the wheel. Suzanne had been told to send her driving licence back to DVLA two years ago, although I had driving lessons in my teens, Ive never been able to drive so I think we both experienced completely different emotions.
I absolutely loved it, I couldn't see beyond the bonnet, but the instructor was so good I didn't feel at all worried. The truck was automatic so no bothering about changing gear, just concentrate on the accelerator and steering. It was strange because the first thing I did was check my mirrors, not that I could see out of them, its just a process that all learner drivers learn, and I hadn't forgotten it.
For me, I was ecstatic that I had been driving around farm tracks and through a forest, and at the end I felt happy but sad that this wasn't 'real' I will never be able to drive.
For Suzanne, it was very emotional, a skill which she had lost, been taken from her. The day must have been so much harder for drivers, for us non drivers it was great fun, but I cant grieve over something I've never had!
It wasn't just the driving that made the day so special, I met some really incredible and inspiring people, plus, it turned out that my youngest was taking her driving test exactly the same time that I had my half hour driving, and she passed!!
An amazing day all round. The journey home I kept sighing with satisfaction and I had the biggest smile pinned to my face! In fact the smile hasn't worn off yet. Saturday I was so tired, I am always astounded by how much travelling exhausts me so travelling and driving all in one day was too much concentration, no wonder I was passed out on the sofa early afternoon, thus the reason none of my jobs have been done.
If anyone fancies a 4x4 Experience day. Contact Malcolm via email at Explore 4x4 experience days, Elveden Estate, Norfolk.
Anyway, writing was on the list, so here I am!
As promised, Just a little blog on the 4x4 driving experience day!!!!!
Thursday night I got myself all prepared for an early start the next day and decided to have a earlyish night, went to lock my front door and my keys were missing, a casual look through my bag soon turned into a frantic hunt, tipping the contents all over the kitchen table, and searching in the same places ten times just in case it had magically appeared!
Mentally retracing my steps I realised the last time I had them was at work and that's exactly where they still were. This meant my meticulously planned morning had to be re jigged to include a trip to work to retrieve my keys.
So, My plans had to be moved forward an hour and 5am Friday morning found me walking Ralph over the fields, although I have to say, that time of the morning is very beautiful, and Ralph was happy to sit and watch the deer and rabbits!...NOT, the crazy bloody dog was chasing the poor animals all round the fields, with me screaming at him to come back like some crazy woman, then he decided it would be a great idea to roll around in fox poo, he comes running up to me with this stupid flappy grin on his face, all pleased with him self..'smell that Mum, don't I smell fab'....no, you actually smell like you have been living in the bottom of a food waste bin for the last three weeks! I suppose the only consolation was that there's no-one else about that time of the morning, so the only person that he shared the smell with was me!!
I had to pick up the train from Hitchin instead of Arlesey, but it didn't seem to be a problem and I was let through the gates, found myself a seat on the platform and sat relaxing in the sun.
The train from Hitchin to Cambridge was on time and I was quite shocked to find there were plenty of places to sit. I arrived into Cambridge about 7 minutes before my friends train was due in and about 14 minutes before our connecting train to Thetford would leave. The train was already at the platform and again finding a seat was easy! Once my friend and I were settled in our seats the journey to Thetford just flew by as we chatted and nattered.
Once at Thetford we were met by Malcolm! Now, Malcolm is in charge of the 4x4 experience days, but, just flipping back a minute, So all the while we were travelling we were two blind ladies, no one really interacted with us, we immediately accepted each others disability and tuned into the level of assistance each of us needed and just got on with it. But, when Malcolm met us, I noticed something I hadn't before. I feel a little ignorant that I haven't thought of this before.
Malcolm leaps out of his 4x4 in the car park, introduces himself and chats about the programme of the day. It was all very normal, until he asks us to get in the car, the three of us make our way to the car/truck thingy, (three because a young man had joined us) and there, as my two fellow blind people went to put themselves into the truck, I held back ever so slightly and saw Malcolm have a awkward moment where he didn't know how much help to offer. In that second I saw 'politically correct' (or disability correct) flash across his face..how much support do I offer...I don't want to offend...is it ok to touch the persons arm to help them in the truck....etc
Suddenly I am looking at sighted folks in a whole different light. How difficult is it for regular people to know what we need? Talk about treading on egg shells! and then I saw relief in his body language as Brad had jumped in the front passenger seat and Suzanne had nipped around the truck to get in the back seat beside me, leaving Malcolm still standing on the tarmac, the trip to the Elveden Estate was nice and relaxed as I think Malcolm had worked out that we didn't consider our disability to disable us in any way!
Anyway, my excitement was level 10000 and after we had had our breakfast at the on site restaurant I was ready to rumble. We had a de-brief and as there was 11 of us blindies driving, they take two couples in two trucks.
Who wants to go first.....ohhh hell yeah, that'll be meeee!
I was paired up with Suzanne and I know she wont mind me telling you that watching and feeling her elation at being able to drive again was almost as wonderful as my own experience behind the wheel. Suzanne had been told to send her driving licence back to DVLA two years ago, although I had driving lessons in my teens, Ive never been able to drive so I think we both experienced completely different emotions.
I absolutely loved it, I couldn't see beyond the bonnet, but the instructor was so good I didn't feel at all worried. The truck was automatic so no bothering about changing gear, just concentrate on the accelerator and steering. It was strange because the first thing I did was check my mirrors, not that I could see out of them, its just a process that all learner drivers learn, and I hadn't forgotten it.
For me, I was ecstatic that I had been driving around farm tracks and through a forest, and at the end I felt happy but sad that this wasn't 'real' I will never be able to drive.
For Suzanne, it was very emotional, a skill which she had lost, been taken from her. The day must have been so much harder for drivers, for us non drivers it was great fun, but I cant grieve over something I've never had!
It wasn't just the driving that made the day so special, I met some really incredible and inspiring people, plus, it turned out that my youngest was taking her driving test exactly the same time that I had my half hour driving, and she passed!!
An amazing day all round. The journey home I kept sighing with satisfaction and I had the biggest smile pinned to my face! In fact the smile hasn't worn off yet. Saturday I was so tired, I am always astounded by how much travelling exhausts me so travelling and driving all in one day was too much concentration, no wonder I was passed out on the sofa early afternoon, thus the reason none of my jobs have been done.
If anyone fancies a 4x4 Experience day. Contact Malcolm via email at Explore 4x4 experience days, Elveden Estate, Norfolk.
HUGE thanks to Suzanne and Warren for organising this event 💖
Wednesday 29 May 2019
Thick fog!
Back again! I know its been a while but I've been proper busy trying to push myself out of the little comfy zone that I had found myself in.
Since the last blog I wrote, I've done loads! And, I have to say, I'm a little proud of myself!
So, Mum and I went to the RAH to see Carl Craig..OHHH MAN! You have to check this guy out. There we were, Mum and I, sat quietly in our box, waiting for a gentle classical evening to start. When the lights dimmed, our seats started vibrating and the laser lighting began strobing around the building, I knew this was not the ususal type of classical music event we were used to attending. The whole building was vibrating with the bass and you just had to tap or move to the beat, and then, in middle of all the loud music, were classical instruments, a harp, a piano and a lady playing a violin! Who knew a DJ from Detroit and a orchestra could make such amazing sounds together, It was an incredible night, the lighting was out of this world, in fact, maybe even the best event so far! Added to that, we didn't have any disasters!
I wrote the review the following day with a massive smile on my face while I remembered the night before! Mum even asked if I could see if I could find the event on a CD!
I continued with the research for Tesco/RNIB, which was really interesting, and I got selected to attend a 'top secret' meeting with two other people from my area. I really like listening to other peoples stories, so meeting with other people with different disabilities was, well, captivating, really.
The whole experience encouraged me to find my voice again, and I confidently chatted as part of the group instead of sitting on the edge of my chair praying that time would go quicker so I could go home.
As my confidence has grown so much I thought id give swimming another go, my girls and I have been going to ladies night on a Wednesday evening, the first week I could barely manage 10 lengths, last week I comfortably did 22, and could have done more if it wasn't for the fact that Mum and my youngest have joined the aquagym, which starts at the same time but only runs for an hour.
I even pushed myself into town on a Saturday! Not on my own of course, the girls came with me.
I've booked up to go to visit my friends in Suffolk in a few weeks, and I'm going to a coffee morning in Welwyn next Saturday... then there was the trip to the Zoo! So, last Monday the girls decided we would go to Shepreth, after work I got changed quick and caught the train (on my own) to Shepreth and the girls met me there in the car. The zoo is right beside the train station and it was perfect timing as it was really quiet, no small people getting under my feet! Its a really nice place to visit, but I found I got tired really quickly, it was a hot sunny day, I've lost my 'good' sunglasses, so had I crappy old pair on, all that looking for animals in their enclosures was just too much, I found I couldn't keep up with the girls and needed to sit down often!
Writing all this down has made me realise how mentally 'unwell' I was at the end of last year, I felt like a thick fog was wrapped around me and no amount of swishing my arms about was going to shift that fog, I was being suffocated, I couldn't see which way to turn, and I now realise that I was pushed into making certain decisions, and that some situations were totally unfair. I am angry that I let this difficult time effect me so badly and feel that I should have dealt with my employment situation totally differently, the very first mistake was letting someone write a risk assessment about me while sitting in a little room and not actually seeing me in my role, from there the mistakes escalated until I was so low and felt so useless, that the only thing to do was go quietly.
For a long time I felt that I wouldn't be any use to anyone again, anyone that knows depression will understand that feeling of emptiness, Christmas was coming and I gave no care! Even when I started to gather my broken bits together and try to get back on track, I had walked into a job that I knew nothing about, and I suppose in the back of my mind I was convincing myself that all I was doing was setting myself up to fail again. But I haven't! Six months down the line and the fog is clearing, I see things differently and I become stronger and more confident every day.
I often wonder if people really think about how they treat others, do people realise how they deal with situations can destroy a person. Mental health is such a important topic these days and yet there is still situations like mine happening, life is cruel enough without having to fight to prove yourself .
I have totally gone off task! The other very important event...which actually happens on FRIDAY, is that I'm going on a driving experience day, its rolled around so quickly, I cant tell you what it means to be doing something like this, something I thought I would NEVER be able to do, I just hope I can hold it together and not become too emotional, of course I will let you all know how it goes!
xx
Since the last blog I wrote, I've done loads! And, I have to say, I'm a little proud of myself!
So, Mum and I went to the RAH to see Carl Craig..OHHH MAN! You have to check this guy out. There we were, Mum and I, sat quietly in our box, waiting for a gentle classical evening to start. When the lights dimmed, our seats started vibrating and the laser lighting began strobing around the building, I knew this was not the ususal type of classical music event we were used to attending. The whole building was vibrating with the bass and you just had to tap or move to the beat, and then, in middle of all the loud music, were classical instruments, a harp, a piano and a lady playing a violin! Who knew a DJ from Detroit and a orchestra could make such amazing sounds together, It was an incredible night, the lighting was out of this world, in fact, maybe even the best event so far! Added to that, we didn't have any disasters!
I wrote the review the following day with a massive smile on my face while I remembered the night before! Mum even asked if I could see if I could find the event on a CD!
I continued with the research for Tesco/RNIB, which was really interesting, and I got selected to attend a 'top secret' meeting with two other people from my area. I really like listening to other peoples stories, so meeting with other people with different disabilities was, well, captivating, really.
The whole experience encouraged me to find my voice again, and I confidently chatted as part of the group instead of sitting on the edge of my chair praying that time would go quicker so I could go home.
As my confidence has grown so much I thought id give swimming another go, my girls and I have been going to ladies night on a Wednesday evening, the first week I could barely manage 10 lengths, last week I comfortably did 22, and could have done more if it wasn't for the fact that Mum and my youngest have joined the aquagym, which starts at the same time but only runs for an hour.
I even pushed myself into town on a Saturday! Not on my own of course, the girls came with me.
I've booked up to go to visit my friends in Suffolk in a few weeks, and I'm going to a coffee morning in Welwyn next Saturday... then there was the trip to the Zoo! So, last Monday the girls decided we would go to Shepreth, after work I got changed quick and caught the train (on my own) to Shepreth and the girls met me there in the car. The zoo is right beside the train station and it was perfect timing as it was really quiet, no small people getting under my feet! Its a really nice place to visit, but I found I got tired really quickly, it was a hot sunny day, I've lost my 'good' sunglasses, so had I crappy old pair on, all that looking for animals in their enclosures was just too much, I found I couldn't keep up with the girls and needed to sit down often!
Writing all this down has made me realise how mentally 'unwell' I was at the end of last year, I felt like a thick fog was wrapped around me and no amount of swishing my arms about was going to shift that fog, I was being suffocated, I couldn't see which way to turn, and I now realise that I was pushed into making certain decisions, and that some situations were totally unfair. I am angry that I let this difficult time effect me so badly and feel that I should have dealt with my employment situation totally differently, the very first mistake was letting someone write a risk assessment about me while sitting in a little room and not actually seeing me in my role, from there the mistakes escalated until I was so low and felt so useless, that the only thing to do was go quietly.
For a long time I felt that I wouldn't be any use to anyone again, anyone that knows depression will understand that feeling of emptiness, Christmas was coming and I gave no care! Even when I started to gather my broken bits together and try to get back on track, I had walked into a job that I knew nothing about, and I suppose in the back of my mind I was convincing myself that all I was doing was setting myself up to fail again. But I haven't! Six months down the line and the fog is clearing, I see things differently and I become stronger and more confident every day.
I often wonder if people really think about how they treat others, do people realise how they deal with situations can destroy a person. Mental health is such a important topic these days and yet there is still situations like mine happening, life is cruel enough without having to fight to prove yourself .
I have totally gone off task! The other very important event...which actually happens on FRIDAY, is that I'm going on a driving experience day, its rolled around so quickly, I cant tell you what it means to be doing something like this, something I thought I would NEVER be able to do, I just hope I can hold it together and not become too emotional, of course I will let you all know how it goes!
xx
Friday 26 April 2019
Staying Calm
I started writing this blog nearly two weeks ago, I've lost count how many times I've thought about finishing it, then something more demanding rears its head. I had started the week after my last blog with such good vibes and a determination to push myself out of my comfort zone.
I finally renewed my disabled railcard in anticipation of my pending trip to the Royal Albert Hall this Sunday to see Carl Craig with Chineke Orchestra....I truly have no idea who Carl Craig is, but being in the RAH and listening to the sounds of any kind of music is where I find something special deep in my soul that I didn't know existed. And of course there's writing the review afterwards which as you all know, I love!
I also joined a group called the sunflower community that is working towards introducing Lanyards for people with invisible disabilities into supermarkets and have been completing tasks for them help them with their project. Each day over three weeks we are given a task, and then we report back our findings. Its actually good fun and its causing me to think outside my little tiny box which I seem to have found myself comfortably settled in.
Continuing with the pushing myself theme...thanks to a lovely lady....I'm going to do a spot of driving!! Yes, me, blind lady doing driving!! I've a feeling its a four wheel drive (sadly not a tank) with a instructor/guide type person. You drive for 30 mins and I'm so bloody excited I cant tell you! Its on the 31st May. I had seen a post on the RNIB east of England Facebook page ages ago and I thought it sounded like a fab idea, but as time ticked on and there was a date in place I was feeling a whole lot less confident, but I've been encouraged to attend, so I will go, the box is ticked! It is held in Thetford, and I was really panicked about getting there on the train, but its actually a easy run from here, only having to change once, and I will definitely be booking assistance though because it helps so much!
So, all this happened at the start of last week and I was feeling like I was some sort of super hero special confident type lady, only to be put right back in my place on Tuesday.
Tuesday... things started to go rapidly down hill! My partner got rushed into hospital, and while I wont bore you with all the gory details, I found myself sitting in Resus at 10 o'clock at night, he was safely tucked up in a bed with tubes sprouting out of everywhere, and suddenly I realised I was on my own, in a hospital and now I had to find my way out...all on my own!
As soon as the consultant told me that my not-so better half wasn't going anywhere that night except for CT scan, I began to panic.
I had spent all day following nurses and doctors around, and I had been sat beside this shadow of a big man for hours listening to his machine bleeping away, that when I was told to go home and get some rest as there was nothing more I could do that night. I suddenly realised that I had no idea where I was in the hospital or how to get out. I felt I couldn't ask the staff as there was a constant flow of ambulances bringing casualties into the area and they were completely rushed off their feet. HOWEVER, when a young nurse came in to check the machines and do his obs, I bravely....for me...told her my situation and that my daughter was coming to fetch me but I wouldn't be able to make my way to her especially as it was now dark outside and I hadn't bought my cane, I was also fully aware that I had only seen patients with one family member in this area so I knew my daughter wouldn't be able to come to me.
The young nurse, phoned through to A&E and told the receptionist to expect someone to come asking for me, the next moment my daughter was quietly brought to Resus and that was that! Easy peasy.
Except when I got home I started feeling guilty that my last few moments at the hospital were spent worrying about myself instead of the man in the bed. Wednesday and Thursday were a complete blur of running back and forth to the hospital, sorting medicine, going to work and trying to keep the house functioning normally, mind you, I have to say I completely failed on the last one as by Sunday the whole house looked like a herd of Elephants with a need to try on every pair of shoes and item of clothing on they could find and leave them where they fancied had passed through my house.
So I really did have to put on my big girl pants and get on with it, on-one was going to come along and sprinkle fairy dust over me and make everything alright, so the proof that I can move out of my little safety net is just there.
Life seems to have evened out a bit this week, but I'm so tired, I forget that I cant function like I used to when my sight was better so as well as learning to push myself out of the comfort zone, it seems I need to learn to accept when my brain has had enough and rest! You all know that rest doesn't come easy to me, and tonight, I sit on the sofa, the only sound is the rain on the conservatory roof, Ralph is curled up beside me, my eldest has gone out with some friends from work...my youngest has decided to go to a nightclub!!! My girl is 18, she is a homegirl, the best thing in the world is to cuddle up with a bowl of fruit and watch old episodes of casualty with her Mumma. My mummy wisdom fell on deaf ears as I advise that for her very first taste of night life, she chooses a local town with some lively pubs and bars. So the child who, growing up, hated crowded places and loud noise decides she will be going to Milton Keynes (a good 40 minute drive away) to a night club called Pink Punters!! Not only that but she and her mates have booked themselves into a local hotel for the night...cos the club doesn't open until 9.30pm and closes at 6.30am!!
Honest to something more heavenly...I literally have spent the last two days following her around...so, text me when you get there... if someone offers you a drink...you say no thank you...if someone buys you a drink and gives it to you...you do not drink it.....if you are feeling unsafe...you go to the bar and ask if 'Angela' is working tonight....you stay with your friends, you do not get parallactic, you will text me every 20 minutes so I know you are ok!! ohh and you will text me when you are back in the hotel and you will text me when you are ready to leave on Saturday morning! AND by the way....have a really lovely time!
Am I just about the crappiest Mum ever?! I am trying to remind myself that I was a teenager once too, and I got into wayyyy much more trouble than she has, so why and I so afraid!
I'm glad its raining, the drumming sound on the roof is calming and I need to stay calm!! This parenting lark gets harder, I look at my friends with their little sweet cute baby daughters and think...HA...Just you bloody wait!!
Hope you speak soon guys...but don't bank on it!
Saturday 13 April 2019
Ridged routines
I'm back again folks, I'm not really sure how four weeks have flashed by and I haven't had a chance to write, I think about writing most days, but I get this nagging doubt that people have stopped reading and are no longer interested in my rantings. So, I tell myself I will put the diary 'to bed' and stop writing, then this week I have had so many notifications that people are reading the blog that I feel like I am failing something that I have achieved on my own. I have lost so much of my independence, but writing is something I can still do on my own, so I figure that I should keep writing even if no-one reads it because...well, because I like it and its good therapy. Lately I have realised that I have fallen into a very ridged routine, I wake up and get ready for work, I walk Ralph, I go to work, I finish work and come home, I walk Ralph again and then I cook tea, have a bath and put my PJ's on and wait to go to bed. At the weekend, I do the housework, walk Ralph and stay home!
I am astounded by how the contrast in my confidence is so vast. At work I am incredibly confident, I feel safe and have already built trusting relationships around me, However, ask me to do something different at the weekend for example, and I can feel a melt down coming on. I haven't been for a swim for weeks, and the thought of going terrifies me, my friend and I usually go for a swim once a week, I have found myself looking for an excuse to cancel, and am always totally happy if she cancels. I hadn't noticed I had been doing this until this morning. So, last week RNIB offered me tickets to go to the Royal Albert Hall for a classical performance next Sunday, now, you all know how I love to go to these events, and I really love writing the reviews after, BUT, this morning I laid in bed reading the email over and over again, trying to find ways to not go. I don't mean anything drastic, but silly things like, my disabled railcard has expired so the train fare will be too expensive, the feeling of excitement has completely gone. Then when I thought about it a bit more I realised that I have been putting off lots of things, I said I was going to visit my friends in Suffolk in February...I still haven't been, swimming has stopped and I am only going out to places with people I trust and to very familiar places.
So, if I tell you that last weekend I went to Spain, you would think all I just said was totally contradictory. This was a hen weekend for My Niece who gets married in a couple of months and we stayed in my sister-in-laws beautiful house, both my girls and my cane came with me and I was well looked after. When we arrived there was talk of going to the local supermarket to buy food, thinking back now, I remember the pang of panic in my stomach, I would usually be the first one to be up for a trip to the shops, after all, that's where the chocolate is at! but I didn't go, there were also a couple of times when the girls wanted to stay at the house while everyone else went out, my instinct was to stay at the house and sit safely on a comfy sofa while my two lovely daughters got over their hangovers with their daily dose of 'the internet', but I went because I knew there was someone with me to tell me where the steps are, someone who wont let me wonder into the gents loo by mistake, someone who will read the menu out to me quietly, but most of all someone who will make me feel safe. I had a fantastic weekend, and despite my nerves the only real mishap I had was walking into furniture and the occasional Spanish person!
The biggest stress reliever EVER, was using Assistance at the airports. My sister-in-law booked Assistance for me when she booked the tickets and I can say, hand on heart, it was the most helpful thing I've ever tried. I usually turn Assistance down because, well you know, I have the family with me, but what I didn't take into account is how stressful it is for them to safely guide me around the airport avoiding the mass of holiday makers and their luggage, people also have a habit of lying or sitting on the floor in these places which means they are at risk of getting my cane whipped around their legs, one bloke a few years ago even told me to..look where I was going, as my cane connected with his knees, bet he felt a right twat when he opened his eyes to see what had hit him!
Anyway, USE ASSISTANCE!! Its fab, Stanstead was a breeze, assistance is just to the left as you go through the entrance, they have a separate seating area and they do exactly what you would expect. They assisted my girls and I all the way from walking through the door to boarding the plane, no queueing, no stressing. You go through the exact same routine except its so much easier. Arriving at Murcia Airport, the service was just the same, the staff were so helpful, we were whizzed through to collect our baggage and out into the sunshine before we knew it. On the way back the procedure was the same except we were taken onto the tarmac before the other passengers and this, what I can only describe as a room on wheels pulls up beside the plane, we were helped on and the little room separated from its wheels as a hydraulic lift thingy lifts us up to the doors on the plane and we were led to our seats. Those little tiny steps that lead up to the plane doors have always worried me so this was a real treat, and I can say I was more that happy to see a similar looking vehicle trundling across the tarmac towards our plane as we landed back at Stanstead. Although we left the plane last we were still assisted all the way to the carpark!
So what do I do about my little routine I seem to have got suck in then? Well, I do what I usually do, I pull myself together and push forward. I will renew my railcard and go to the RAH. I suppose it would be sensible to build up to that, but I'm not one for doing things sensibly, however I will try to change the routine. Swimming will have to wait until after the Easter holidays, as there will be children, and children are unpredictable and bloody noisy! So, I'll let them do their thing first and swim when they are back at school. I also need to start thinking about a wedding outfit, so this will force me into the shops.
Tomorrow, I will not spend the day in my PJ's and do the ironing, I will get dressed and do something different, I dunno what but I'll do it...honest!
Speak soon...hopefully! xx
I am astounded by how the contrast in my confidence is so vast. At work I am incredibly confident, I feel safe and have already built trusting relationships around me, However, ask me to do something different at the weekend for example, and I can feel a melt down coming on. I haven't been for a swim for weeks, and the thought of going terrifies me, my friend and I usually go for a swim once a week, I have found myself looking for an excuse to cancel, and am always totally happy if she cancels. I hadn't noticed I had been doing this until this morning. So, last week RNIB offered me tickets to go to the Royal Albert Hall for a classical performance next Sunday, now, you all know how I love to go to these events, and I really love writing the reviews after, BUT, this morning I laid in bed reading the email over and over again, trying to find ways to not go. I don't mean anything drastic, but silly things like, my disabled railcard has expired so the train fare will be too expensive, the feeling of excitement has completely gone. Then when I thought about it a bit more I realised that I have been putting off lots of things, I said I was going to visit my friends in Suffolk in February...I still haven't been, swimming has stopped and I am only going out to places with people I trust and to very familiar places.
So, if I tell you that last weekend I went to Spain, you would think all I just said was totally contradictory. This was a hen weekend for My Niece who gets married in a couple of months and we stayed in my sister-in-laws beautiful house, both my girls and my cane came with me and I was well looked after. When we arrived there was talk of going to the local supermarket to buy food, thinking back now, I remember the pang of panic in my stomach, I would usually be the first one to be up for a trip to the shops, after all, that's where the chocolate is at! but I didn't go, there were also a couple of times when the girls wanted to stay at the house while everyone else went out, my instinct was to stay at the house and sit safely on a comfy sofa while my two lovely daughters got over their hangovers with their daily dose of 'the internet', but I went because I knew there was someone with me to tell me where the steps are, someone who wont let me wonder into the gents loo by mistake, someone who will read the menu out to me quietly, but most of all someone who will make me feel safe. I had a fantastic weekend, and despite my nerves the only real mishap I had was walking into furniture and the occasional Spanish person!
The biggest stress reliever EVER, was using Assistance at the airports. My sister-in-law booked Assistance for me when she booked the tickets and I can say, hand on heart, it was the most helpful thing I've ever tried. I usually turn Assistance down because, well you know, I have the family with me, but what I didn't take into account is how stressful it is for them to safely guide me around the airport avoiding the mass of holiday makers and their luggage, people also have a habit of lying or sitting on the floor in these places which means they are at risk of getting my cane whipped around their legs, one bloke a few years ago even told me to..look where I was going, as my cane connected with his knees, bet he felt a right twat when he opened his eyes to see what had hit him!
Anyway, USE ASSISTANCE!! Its fab, Stanstead was a breeze, assistance is just to the left as you go through the entrance, they have a separate seating area and they do exactly what you would expect. They assisted my girls and I all the way from walking through the door to boarding the plane, no queueing, no stressing. You go through the exact same routine except its so much easier. Arriving at Murcia Airport, the service was just the same, the staff were so helpful, we were whizzed through to collect our baggage and out into the sunshine before we knew it. On the way back the procedure was the same except we were taken onto the tarmac before the other passengers and this, what I can only describe as a room on wheels pulls up beside the plane, we were helped on and the little room separated from its wheels as a hydraulic lift thingy lifts us up to the doors on the plane and we were led to our seats. Those little tiny steps that lead up to the plane doors have always worried me so this was a real treat, and I can say I was more that happy to see a similar looking vehicle trundling across the tarmac towards our plane as we landed back at Stanstead. Although we left the plane last we were still assisted all the way to the carpark!
So what do I do about my little routine I seem to have got suck in then? Well, I do what I usually do, I pull myself together and push forward. I will renew my railcard and go to the RAH. I suppose it would be sensible to build up to that, but I'm not one for doing things sensibly, however I will try to change the routine. Swimming will have to wait until after the Easter holidays, as there will be children, and children are unpredictable and bloody noisy! So, I'll let them do their thing first and swim when they are back at school. I also need to start thinking about a wedding outfit, so this will force me into the shops.
Tomorrow, I will not spend the day in my PJ's and do the ironing, I will get dressed and do something different, I dunno what but I'll do it...honest!
Speak soon...hopefully! xx
Thursday 7 March 2019
Interesting conversations
Evening all, I'm having a spot of bother with these dam hormones. I mean, why, when a woman reaches a certain age do these little hormone thingies suddenly start doing strange things to our bodies and our emotions. I am literally so uncomfortable in clothes, especially underwear, and one moment I am wondering how long a prison sentence is for murder the next I am balling my eyes out over a fluffy kitten stuck up a tree!
I don't really mind the hot sweats, because I've always had a problem with being cold, my feet and hands are always cold, so actually only having to wear one pair of socks instead of my usual three pairs is quite nice, in fact I have been known to go foot commando, and that is totally unheard of!
I know nothing about 'the change' only that the monthlies will stop and really, if I'm honest that's all I'm focusing on.
Isn't it tough enough that we, as ladies, have to go through periods, teenage hormones, pregnancy (I know some ladies have a terrible time through their pregnancies) etc, anyway ...ENOUGH of my moaning this is not even what I wanted to talk about.
Last week I took delivery of this little beauty...
I don't really mind the hot sweats, because I've always had a problem with being cold, my feet and hands are always cold, so actually only having to wear one pair of socks instead of my usual three pairs is quite nice, in fact I have been known to go foot commando, and that is totally unheard of!
I know nothing about 'the change' only that the monthlies will stop and really, if I'm honest that's all I'm focusing on.
Isn't it tough enough that we, as ladies, have to go through periods, teenage hormones, pregnancy (I know some ladies have a terrible time through their pregnancies) etc, anyway ...ENOUGH of my moaning this is not even what I wanted to talk about.
Last week I took delivery of this little beauty...
This has caused conflicting opinions in my house, I was excited to have it but my girls don't like it, I don't really understand why, maybe because it makes my VI more real to them, and both my girls live in fear that I will be 'picked on' or treated unfairly because of my disability.
I brought it from the Macular society and I paid a whole £2 for it. Its not a massive badge, but it just makes me feel a bit more comfortable.
The thing is, I am painfully aware that I don't look like I have a visual Impairment, and this....well, this takes a lot of explaining...so, having a VI is a incredibly lonely place to be, it doesn't matter how many people, friends and family you have around you, when you are on your own you are totally on your own, no-one else can understand your sight, no-one can see what you see, when I have someone standing beside me who I can ask to help me, I feel safe, if I am under pressure or find myself in a situation where there is no-one to ask for help I have a complete melt down and my brain literally shuts down, what little sight I have disappears and I feel like I am suffocating. Having the badge to give an explanation as to why I am taking longer to do something, without me having to explain myself makes me feel more confident, I know that I we should never feel the need to explain themselves to anyone, but, some people are so uneducated and quick to presume that they just don't get how someone who is registered blind can be holding down a job.
Then there's the strange guilt thing I have when I don't let people know I'm visually impaired , I feel like I am being dishonest and deceiving the people I meet. This is an emotion I've never really understood, I cant make any sense of it so I give up.
Only someone with a visual impairment will understand the calculated judgements we take every day, the trust we have in ourselves and our ability to make these judgements is almost spiritual, I cant explain how I know how to do something safely, I don't know how I know its not safe to cross the road, another 'sense' kicks in and overtakes the other senses and gives you something to trust in. But for a person who hasn't had any connection with someone like me, they find it hard to understand how I am wearing my badge but can still carry two boxes across the shop and not drip up.
To be in an environment that is totally accepting, helps so much and I am eternally grateful to those people I work with for not judging me.
The badge is staying, I like the badge, and after all, its about me not about what anyone else thinks of it.
However, I DO get the down side to it, and I am transparent in everything I do which could give someone the opportunity to maybe use the fact that I have a VI as an excuse to make claims against me.
I overheard a interesting conversation yesterday when I was sitting in costa. So, there were these two people sitting at the table beside me, at first I was only half tuned into their conversation and couldn't really tell you the topic, until a couple of words caught my attention. It seems that these two have a colleague with a 'disability', their voices lowered, which instantly made me lean forward, staring at my phone to make it look like I was watching something...you know, like YouTube or something, anyway, it sounded like the person with the disability had been caught stealing from the place where they worked by one of the people sitting at the table beside me. He had reported what he had seen to his line manager, and left it with management to follow procedures, only nothing happened! The person who had been reported appeared not to be challenged. The other person at the table was already aware of the problem because it wasn't the first time it had happened and someone else had reported the same thing to management just last week and nothing had happened. The two people then went on to say how unfair it was that nothing had been done.....I began to wonder if this was some kind if social experiment....but, they continued talking about how if it was one of them they would have been sacked by now, but the management didn't seem to know how to handle the situation and they seemed afraid to challenge a person with a disability. In their eyes (the people sipping coffee) the answer was very black and white, you are caught stealing, you are dealt with as your company policy stipulates, everyone should be treated the same, and certainly not one rule for one and a different one for others.
They continued to talk about it for a while, they weren't nasty, they weren't bad mouthing anyone, they simply couldn't understand how this was right. And they are bloody dam right! How is this fair? As I sank into deep thought, they finished their drinks and left, disabled people spend a lot of time fighting to be treated the same as everyone else, so a company should not be concerned about challenging a person who has stolen from them, I do appreciate that I have only overheard just a small snippet of 'gossip' but its been troubling me and on my mind so I thought I would share with you guys, so what do you think about it?
I am off know to force some more medicine down a poorly Ralph...Speak soon xx
Saturday 23 February 2019
Nailing it!
This week I was feeling like I needed to sort a few things out. You know what its like when you've been buzzing along keeping busy and all of a sudden you realise that the little list of jobs you have to do has turned into a massive list and you don't know where to start. So, I've been meaning to try and get my mobile phone sorted out, the bloody thing keeps cutting out mid conversation, it constantly says that the temperature outside is -4 and my location is Suffolk! The battery only lasts half a day and the little noises your phone makes when a text comes through no longer works either. OK, so I admit I've dropped it a couple of times, but everyone does that right?
I chose this particular phone because the screen is nice and big, I can get massive font and its easy to use.
Anyway, off I trundle to the phone shop...why is there always a massive queue in these places? Actually, I know why there is such long queues...because the staff are trained to talk utter rubbish! When I finally got to the attention of a member of staff I was shown to a trendy grey couch, and my phone lady whose English wasn't so good, sat at a tiny desk on a stool. It felt a lot like when you attend your five year olds parents evening, and you sit on tiny chairs designed for five year old bottoms at a low table, and your knees come over the top of the table, but the teacher is sat on HER adult chair looking down at you as she explains your child's progress
To be frank, I had no bloody idea what the phone lady was banging on about....you are not due a up-grade until June, BUT if you pay £150 today we can up-grade your phone for you.....WHAT??? I'm sorry...the £150 is for what exactly? …..this is ok, you do not have to up-grade today, you can do it another day....NO!! Really??…...but for now today I will do a system up-date and you phone will be working as new.....Now I'm really confused, if you can do a system thingy and my phone will be working as new, WHY would I pay £150 for a new phone.
And so, for forty-five minutes the phone lady, scrolls, flicks and swipes, as far as I could tell, she did bugger all.
Then with a sigh she says ...if you had a up-grade your phone would be newer and it would work better....ARE you bloody serious? Do you actually work here or did you just wander in off of the streets and sit you backside down on a stool!
She pushes my phone back across the table towards me and says...is there anything else I can help you with, took me a couple of deep breathes to maintain my composure, then I asked if she could cancel my insurance on the phone as I now have a new insurance policy attached to my bank account which covers all the mobile phones in my house..ohhhh yes of course, she then picks up my phone, turns her back slightly toward me and dials whatever number she needed to cancel my insurance, she had a nice long chat on my phone to the person on the other end of the phone, then all of a sudden she turns to me, passes me my phone and says...they want to talk to you!.....NO S**T I then spend another ten minutes trying to convince the person on the other end of the phone that I was indeed fully aware of the risks of cancelling the insurance, but I wasn't really bothered as at the moment I am paying TWO bloody insurance policies for one phone, so YES CANCEL IT!!
Finally we seemed to be singing from the same hymn sheet and she cancelled the policy.
I end the phone call and go to get up when the phone lady says....wait one moment, now that you have saved money by cancelling your insurance, maybe you would like to add a tablet to your phone for £11.99 a month on top of what you already pay and then we can up-grade your phone......I just looked at her in silence for a couple of seconds, not really trusting myself to speak, I got up and slowly gathered my belongings, smiled kindly at her and with all my strength said...No thank you, but thanks for all your help today, hope you have a lovely weekend.....my brain was screaming loads of other replies but there was a little girl sitting on the couch beside me with her Dad and I didn't think it would be fair.
Outside, the sun was shining and I realised I had forgotten my sunglasses again, so I found a really shady spot, sat on a bench and, I wont lie, I was quite excited to see if this up-date thingy had worked...and that's all, considering my phone was saying it was -4 outside, the sun was really warm and everyone was walking around in t-shirts, the thingy had made no difference to my phone at all, in fact I would say its worse as now it wont stay connected to the internet and keeps switching the camera on while I am trying to text. As soon as my contract is up, I'm off to find a new deal and it wont be with the lady I spent all afternoon with.
Next I tackled Specsavers, I buy my contact lens solution from there, but because I use peroxide solution, they just don't seem to be able to sell it without giving a lecture on how to use it correctly, they also don't like selling it if you are not one of there customer and every time I go to buy it its like being a contestant on mastermind, yes I know how to use it, yes I understand the risks, yes I know how to store it correctly. HOWEVER, as I pushed my way through the door and mentally prepared myself to keep claim through the third degree of contact lens purchasing, the woman behind the till recognised me, and when I asked for the solution, she said, I don't need to ask you if you know how to use this stuff do I?....NO my lovely, you do not, I've been using it for the best part of thirty years.....the woman's colleague raised her eye brows at her and gave her a look which said...you aren't supposed to sell that stuff with out grilling the customer first....and to my astonishment, she turned to her colleague and said, this lady has worn contact lenses nearly all her life and has used this sort of solution for nearly as long, I suspect she could tell us more about it than we can tell her!! BOOOOOMMMM I don't like other people speaking for me but this lady just nailed it. I said thank you in a humbled tone, paid for my solution and left with my head held high, the business with the phone was forgotten, so I nipped across the road to buy chocolate to celebrate, and ate it while waiting for my taxi to arrive to deliver me home!
Two jobs marked off of the list, well six actually as I've done the things the lady from the bank told me to do! The list is slowly getting smaller, but the jobs are bigger, they are the horrible ones, the garden needs sorting, and my kitchen cupboards needs cleaning, but hey, tomorrow is another day!
I'm off to my bed, so speak soon...ohhhh, and before I forget, for anyone who didn't see Pink on the Brits the other night....go find it on YouTube, that woman is amazing xx
I chose this particular phone because the screen is nice and big, I can get massive font and its easy to use.
Anyway, off I trundle to the phone shop...why is there always a massive queue in these places? Actually, I know why there is such long queues...because the staff are trained to talk utter rubbish! When I finally got to the attention of a member of staff I was shown to a trendy grey couch, and my phone lady whose English wasn't so good, sat at a tiny desk on a stool. It felt a lot like when you attend your five year olds parents evening, and you sit on tiny chairs designed for five year old bottoms at a low table, and your knees come over the top of the table, but the teacher is sat on HER adult chair looking down at you as she explains your child's progress
To be frank, I had no bloody idea what the phone lady was banging on about....you are not due a up-grade until June, BUT if you pay £150 today we can up-grade your phone for you.....WHAT??? I'm sorry...the £150 is for what exactly? …..this is ok, you do not have to up-grade today, you can do it another day....NO!! Really??…...but for now today I will do a system up-date and you phone will be working as new.....Now I'm really confused, if you can do a system thingy and my phone will be working as new, WHY would I pay £150 for a new phone.
And so, for forty-five minutes the phone lady, scrolls, flicks and swipes, as far as I could tell, she did bugger all.
Then with a sigh she says ...if you had a up-grade your phone would be newer and it would work better....ARE you bloody serious? Do you actually work here or did you just wander in off of the streets and sit you backside down on a stool!
She pushes my phone back across the table towards me and says...is there anything else I can help you with, took me a couple of deep breathes to maintain my composure, then I asked if she could cancel my insurance on the phone as I now have a new insurance policy attached to my bank account which covers all the mobile phones in my house..ohhhh yes of course, she then picks up my phone, turns her back slightly toward me and dials whatever number she needed to cancel my insurance, she had a nice long chat on my phone to the person on the other end of the phone, then all of a sudden she turns to me, passes me my phone and says...they want to talk to you!.....NO S**T I then spend another ten minutes trying to convince the person on the other end of the phone that I was indeed fully aware of the risks of cancelling the insurance, but I wasn't really bothered as at the moment I am paying TWO bloody insurance policies for one phone, so YES CANCEL IT!!
Finally we seemed to be singing from the same hymn sheet and she cancelled the policy.
I end the phone call and go to get up when the phone lady says....wait one moment, now that you have saved money by cancelling your insurance, maybe you would like to add a tablet to your phone for £11.99 a month on top of what you already pay and then we can up-grade your phone......I just looked at her in silence for a couple of seconds, not really trusting myself to speak, I got up and slowly gathered my belongings, smiled kindly at her and with all my strength said...No thank you, but thanks for all your help today, hope you have a lovely weekend.....my brain was screaming loads of other replies but there was a little girl sitting on the couch beside me with her Dad and I didn't think it would be fair.
Outside, the sun was shining and I realised I had forgotten my sunglasses again, so I found a really shady spot, sat on a bench and, I wont lie, I was quite excited to see if this up-date thingy had worked...and that's all, considering my phone was saying it was -4 outside, the sun was really warm and everyone was walking around in t-shirts, the thingy had made no difference to my phone at all, in fact I would say its worse as now it wont stay connected to the internet and keeps switching the camera on while I am trying to text. As soon as my contract is up, I'm off to find a new deal and it wont be with the lady I spent all afternoon with.
Next I tackled Specsavers, I buy my contact lens solution from there, but because I use peroxide solution, they just don't seem to be able to sell it without giving a lecture on how to use it correctly, they also don't like selling it if you are not one of there customer and every time I go to buy it its like being a contestant on mastermind, yes I know how to use it, yes I understand the risks, yes I know how to store it correctly. HOWEVER, as I pushed my way through the door and mentally prepared myself to keep claim through the third degree of contact lens purchasing, the woman behind the till recognised me, and when I asked for the solution, she said, I don't need to ask you if you know how to use this stuff do I?....NO my lovely, you do not, I've been using it for the best part of thirty years.....the woman's colleague raised her eye brows at her and gave her a look which said...you aren't supposed to sell that stuff with out grilling the customer first....and to my astonishment, she turned to her colleague and said, this lady has worn contact lenses nearly all her life and has used this sort of solution for nearly as long, I suspect she could tell us more about it than we can tell her!! BOOOOOMMMM I don't like other people speaking for me but this lady just nailed it. I said thank you in a humbled tone, paid for my solution and left with my head held high, the business with the phone was forgotten, so I nipped across the road to buy chocolate to celebrate, and ate it while waiting for my taxi to arrive to deliver me home!
Two jobs marked off of the list, well six actually as I've done the things the lady from the bank told me to do! The list is slowly getting smaller, but the jobs are bigger, they are the horrible ones, the garden needs sorting, and my kitchen cupboards needs cleaning, but hey, tomorrow is another day!
I'm off to my bed, so speak soon...ohhhh, and before I forget, for anyone who didn't see Pink on the Brits the other night....go find it on YouTube, that woman is amazing xx
Wednesday 20 February 2019
Restoring confidence
Evening all! Yesterday afternoon I was sitting with my feet up (HAHA...if only) when my mobile phone starts to ring, my mobile NEVER rings, no one ever rings my mobile so I was a bit flustered and just stood looking at the screen which said..private number. Thinking it would probably be someone telling me that I had recently been involved in a accident or trying to tell me I needed to apply for PPI before I missed the fast approaching last date to claim. So, I snatched up the phone and answered with an abrupt YES, HELLO, only to here the gentle kind voice of my doctor!
I was totally confused for a moment, but she was just checking I was OK as she hadn't seen me in a while!!! She wanted to know how I was getting on with work and how I was feeling about taking early retirement on the grounds of ill health. Who knew that my Doctor knew so much about my situation, and so I had to explain that I had decided that I wouldn't be claiming my pension and had actually walked straight into a new job despite feeling that I would never be any use to anyone ever again and totally drained of any confidence and self esteem. She listened as I chatted about how I was feeling so much better and confident that I had made the right choices. She was so happy with me, I felt a little like a child who had finished her reading book before the rest of the class and the teacher was saying how marvellous I was, in fact, my Doctor was saying how proud of me she was, she has seen first hand how low I was and was worried how I was coping, she called me an inspiration and instructed me to make an appointment if I needed anything, she then made me promise to take it easy and to look after myself.
Sometimes, its so easy to be 'in the moment' and forget what you've been through, which isn't a bad thing but I believe its important to acknowledge the bad times because it makes you respect and enjoy the good times so much more. When you can see what you have come through it gives you the strength to carry on and make so much more of what you have.
How kind was that though? To know someone was thinking of me, and a someone who has hundreds of people to think about, I am so lucky to have such nice people around me and am humbled to think I was at the front of someone's thoughts.
It certainly set me up for today, I felt so full of confidence in myself and I think I've had a good day for it.
The sunshine is helping to lift my spirits too, its getting lighter in the mornings and staying lighter in the evening, its so nice to get out with Ralph at 7am and not have to worry about it being too dark. The only down side of the sun this time of year is it tends to give me nasty head aches, I think I get used to dull days. I don't know if you've ever noticed when you are being driven in a car, when the sun shines through the trees, as the car moves along you kind of get flashing, my sight doesn't cope well with that 'flashing', it makes me tired quickly and (even though I told my Doctor that I haven't had a head ache for months) it gives me a bitch of a head ache, you know one of those ones where you feel like if you throw up it might take the pressure off and release some of the pain in your temples. I normally go to bed and sleep it off, but I now have some little magic pills which the Doctor gave me ages ago when I was struggling, these are magical little yellow pills and after about an hour I was feeling much better and was able to lean forward without thinking I was going to pass out. It seems it might be time to bring out the old sunglasses again and I will have to use my cane again when I'm out on my own I love the sun but its proper blinding!
Well, folks, The Brit awards is on the telly and Pink must be about to come on so I'm going to sign off quick and speak soon xx
I was totally confused for a moment, but she was just checking I was OK as she hadn't seen me in a while!!! She wanted to know how I was getting on with work and how I was feeling about taking early retirement on the grounds of ill health. Who knew that my Doctor knew so much about my situation, and so I had to explain that I had decided that I wouldn't be claiming my pension and had actually walked straight into a new job despite feeling that I would never be any use to anyone ever again and totally drained of any confidence and self esteem. She listened as I chatted about how I was feeling so much better and confident that I had made the right choices. She was so happy with me, I felt a little like a child who had finished her reading book before the rest of the class and the teacher was saying how marvellous I was, in fact, my Doctor was saying how proud of me she was, she has seen first hand how low I was and was worried how I was coping, she called me an inspiration and instructed me to make an appointment if I needed anything, she then made me promise to take it easy and to look after myself.
Sometimes, its so easy to be 'in the moment' and forget what you've been through, which isn't a bad thing but I believe its important to acknowledge the bad times because it makes you respect and enjoy the good times so much more. When you can see what you have come through it gives you the strength to carry on and make so much more of what you have.
How kind was that though? To know someone was thinking of me, and a someone who has hundreds of people to think about, I am so lucky to have such nice people around me and am humbled to think I was at the front of someone's thoughts.
It certainly set me up for today, I felt so full of confidence in myself and I think I've had a good day for it.
The sunshine is helping to lift my spirits too, its getting lighter in the mornings and staying lighter in the evening, its so nice to get out with Ralph at 7am and not have to worry about it being too dark. The only down side of the sun this time of year is it tends to give me nasty head aches, I think I get used to dull days. I don't know if you've ever noticed when you are being driven in a car, when the sun shines through the trees, as the car moves along you kind of get flashing, my sight doesn't cope well with that 'flashing', it makes me tired quickly and (even though I told my Doctor that I haven't had a head ache for months) it gives me a bitch of a head ache, you know one of those ones where you feel like if you throw up it might take the pressure off and release some of the pain in your temples. I normally go to bed and sleep it off, but I now have some little magic pills which the Doctor gave me ages ago when I was struggling, these are magical little yellow pills and after about an hour I was feeling much better and was able to lean forward without thinking I was going to pass out. It seems it might be time to bring out the old sunglasses again and I will have to use my cane again when I'm out on my own I love the sun but its proper blinding!
Well, folks, The Brit awards is on the telly and Pink must be about to come on so I'm going to sign off quick and speak soon xx
Friday 15 February 2019
No quick fix
I never get tired of looking, thinking and predicting, pre sight loss these were things I took for granted, now I respect what I have every minute of the day, especially as no-one knows when things will change. So, this morning when I went to take Ralph out for his walk it was cold and very frosty. We...Well, I tried to, walk slower because the paths were slippery and as I turn the corner, between the houses, I could see the sun rising over the fields. It was one of those moments where I find myself just standing there, mouth hanging open and Ralph strangling himself on the lead as he desperately tries to get near enough to someone's gate to cock his leg and have a pee. I wonder how many of you scraped the windows of your car, jumped in and sped off without noticing how beautiful the morning was. The fields were white with frost but a low fog had appeared over them. The sun was burning orange above the mist and the sky was, blue, purple and pink. You know that warm, contented happy feeling you get in your tummy when you've just experienced something special. This is the feeling I had while standing in the middle of the pavement, half strangling my desperate for a wee dog, my feet were rooted to the ground as I gazed at the sun and marvelled at how beautiful nature is, but most importantly how lucky I am to have seen it.
Loosing sight has definitely made me much more conscious of taking notice of the things going on around me. I appreciate colour, I even found myself standing looking at the mango's at work today and wondered if I said out loud what lovely colours they were, people would think I was going mad, but they were going that lovely red colour they go when they are perfect. I love the fruit and veg isle, because of the smells and colours, no where else in a shop will you get both those things together the bakery smells of bread, but is mostly brown. But as I walk down a fruit and veg isle, I can smell, onions, tomatoes, bananas, strawberries, herbs and what I love most of all, is this is how I will know to recognise fruit and veg in the future, by its smell (and how it feels I suppose). I've have been one of the lucky ones who has had the opportunity to match each product through sight and smell, so I know a banana is a banana if you know what I mean, if you've never been able so see a banana before, how do you know what a banana looks like! ….now I have a image in my head of me in the future walking round a supermarket sniffing and fondling Bananas!!
This morning a man stopped me and said..ohhh, what's that smell?? I was caught in between saying, sorry mate, you've asked the wrong person, cos I can smell 50 different smells that you haven even noticed right now...or saying...nope cant smell a thing! So I said, is it a horrible or a nice smell? hoping to narrow it down a bit, but he says dunno love... Betcha the man just passed wind and was trying to cover his tracks!!
Anyway, all that wasn't even what I wanted to talk to you about, yesterday was one of those days when I did a lot of thinking. I sat in the bank waiting for my meeting I had there, I sat in a comfy blue chair and listened to the activities going on around me, most of all I noticed how intolerant we are of others and how some people think its ok to 'av a go at the bloke behind the desk cos he wanted to see my id before I took £3,500 outta my account, I told im, its my effin account you give me my money....as this bloke finished declaring his utter disgust with the way his request had been handled with the rest of the customers and staff, he left. Two seconds later the guy who had been dealing with the request, scurries past and I overhear him say to a colleague, 'god, I need a quick break, that was awful, I totally understand that guys situation but he just wouldn't listen and I couldn't get him to understand that the rules have changed'..I sat there thinking I wanted to run after the bloke and his pocket full of money and drag him back to the bank to apologise for acting like a spoilt child, but then I checked my phone for the time and became instantly irritated when I realised my appointment was already 10 minutes late, THEN I felt ashamed of myself as I realised I was more like idiot with the pocket full of money than calm man behind the desk. When did we forget that we are all human? When did we decided that shouting and making a scene is acceptable? So when my money adviser lady came out to find me and was so sorry for being late, I told her it didn't matter and actually the meeting was more like catching up with an old friend rather than discussing the fact that my bank account seems to have acquired a hole and all my money keeps falling out of it!!
Surely its got to be a whole lot less effort to be nice than cranky hasn't it?
I'm sure most people reach a point in their lives when they realise that they aren't immortal, and for some that probably comes too late, but we are all in this together, it doesn't matter who we are the end result will be the same, so lets try and make the ride a bit more pleasant.
We all need to be kinder to ourselves too, our mental health is so incredibly delicate, its scary to know that you can be unaware that you have become unhappy and it is far to easy to sink into something that quickly becomes a comfort. There isn't a quick fix, and for me the only thing that was going to 'heal' me was time, understanding, love from my friends and family, and acceptance. This acceptance, for me has been the toughest thing, accepting this is what has happened to me and accepting that things will never be the same as they were, HOWEVER, I have also learnt to accept my disability and even enjoy the changes and challenges it brings. You guys all know it hasn't been a easy ride, you've all read those worst days, and I don't doubt there will be bad days ahead, but at least I'll be ready for them this time.
Its a different way of life not a end to life, and I think its important to remember that we cannot control the future and we cant change the past, so we need to live in the moment, and make sure we take time to look around us and learn to treasure every moment.
Now I am tired from spouting all my delightful wisdom, so I am off to bed with my hairy little friend pretzeled at the foot of my bed, take care and speak soon xx
Loosing sight has definitely made me much more conscious of taking notice of the things going on around me. I appreciate colour, I even found myself standing looking at the mango's at work today and wondered if I said out loud what lovely colours they were, people would think I was going mad, but they were going that lovely red colour they go when they are perfect. I love the fruit and veg isle, because of the smells and colours, no where else in a shop will you get both those things together the bakery smells of bread, but is mostly brown. But as I walk down a fruit and veg isle, I can smell, onions, tomatoes, bananas, strawberries, herbs and what I love most of all, is this is how I will know to recognise fruit and veg in the future, by its smell (and how it feels I suppose). I've have been one of the lucky ones who has had the opportunity to match each product through sight and smell, so I know a banana is a banana if you know what I mean, if you've never been able so see a banana before, how do you know what a banana looks like! ….now I have a image in my head of me in the future walking round a supermarket sniffing and fondling Bananas!!
This morning a man stopped me and said..ohhh, what's that smell?? I was caught in between saying, sorry mate, you've asked the wrong person, cos I can smell 50 different smells that you haven even noticed right now...or saying...nope cant smell a thing! So I said, is it a horrible or a nice smell? hoping to narrow it down a bit, but he says dunno love... Betcha the man just passed wind and was trying to cover his tracks!!
Anyway, all that wasn't even what I wanted to talk to you about, yesterday was one of those days when I did a lot of thinking. I sat in the bank waiting for my meeting I had there, I sat in a comfy blue chair and listened to the activities going on around me, most of all I noticed how intolerant we are of others and how some people think its ok to 'av a go at the bloke behind the desk cos he wanted to see my id before I took £3,500 outta my account, I told im, its my effin account you give me my money....as this bloke finished declaring his utter disgust with the way his request had been handled with the rest of the customers and staff, he left. Two seconds later the guy who had been dealing with the request, scurries past and I overhear him say to a colleague, 'god, I need a quick break, that was awful, I totally understand that guys situation but he just wouldn't listen and I couldn't get him to understand that the rules have changed'..I sat there thinking I wanted to run after the bloke and his pocket full of money and drag him back to the bank to apologise for acting like a spoilt child, but then I checked my phone for the time and became instantly irritated when I realised my appointment was already 10 minutes late, THEN I felt ashamed of myself as I realised I was more like idiot with the pocket full of money than calm man behind the desk. When did we forget that we are all human? When did we decided that shouting and making a scene is acceptable? So when my money adviser lady came out to find me and was so sorry for being late, I told her it didn't matter and actually the meeting was more like catching up with an old friend rather than discussing the fact that my bank account seems to have acquired a hole and all my money keeps falling out of it!!
Surely its got to be a whole lot less effort to be nice than cranky hasn't it?
I'm sure most people reach a point in their lives when they realise that they aren't immortal, and for some that probably comes too late, but we are all in this together, it doesn't matter who we are the end result will be the same, so lets try and make the ride a bit more pleasant.
We all need to be kinder to ourselves too, our mental health is so incredibly delicate, its scary to know that you can be unaware that you have become unhappy and it is far to easy to sink into something that quickly becomes a comfort. There isn't a quick fix, and for me the only thing that was going to 'heal' me was time, understanding, love from my friends and family, and acceptance. This acceptance, for me has been the toughest thing, accepting this is what has happened to me and accepting that things will never be the same as they were, HOWEVER, I have also learnt to accept my disability and even enjoy the changes and challenges it brings. You guys all know it hasn't been a easy ride, you've all read those worst days, and I don't doubt there will be bad days ahead, but at least I'll be ready for them this time.
Its a different way of life not a end to life, and I think its important to remember that we cannot control the future and we cant change the past, so we need to live in the moment, and make sure we take time to look around us and learn to treasure every moment.
Now I am tired from spouting all my delightful wisdom, so I am off to bed with my hairy little friend pretzeled at the foot of my bed, take care and speak soon xx
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