Hello!
I feel like many many months have passed, and so very very much has happened that I don't really know where to start!
I realize that this blog overlaps from the previous one I wrote, but to explain how crazy things have been I need to start from the beginning.
I've been thinking for a few weeks about starting to write again, my whole situation has changed, and I have also changed, the person I was has been chased away by the happenings of the last year or so, and I need to try and find myself again.
When I wrote last I was working full time at Tesco, enjoying the hustle and bustle of working in a express store, supporting my colleagues, feeling like I was important, needed, making some kind of difference to the environment I was working in.
I was organized, in control, confident, proud, busy!
Juggling working, running a home, being a good mum and partner and giving Ralph as much attention as time would allow.
Then, in September last year, I started to feel a bit odd, I felt tired, I began to struggle keeping up with my routines, and at home I had started to withdraw from my family, I didn't have time to visit my mum, I didn't have time to make contact with my sister's, at home I literally went to work, came home, made dinner and went to bed, then did it all again the next day.
I am fully aware that most people in the world are doing just that, but something was changing, something was wrong.
So, classic me, I ignored it! But everyday it was there, growing bigger in my mind, I needed help.
Tesco started changing things, upgrading their systems, changing routines, cutting back on staff, but putting pressure on to cover other people's jobs, keep up with training, cleaning, talking larger deliveries etc.
For a company in these times, that's exactly what you'd expect to happen, cut backs are expected and changes to reduce time wasting is how companies keep up with the changing ways customers shop.
But, for me, it was overwhelming, and I started to struggle to cope. It was frustrating, why couldn't I keep up? why wasn't my brain working quick enough?
I thought maybe I needed to change a few things, I was definitely struggling with the late shifts, working until 11pm sometimes four shifts out of five, was exhausting, I was struggling with the evening routines, some evenings I might have three hundred new price labels to scan and put out, this would take me twice as long as my sighted colleagues, as I'd struggle to read the smaller labels and the tiny screen on the PDA.
Then there was counting and shutting down the scratch cards, shutting down the lottery, and resetting the tills, this all needs to be accurate, I can't be accurate, my sight doesn't do accurate! Then we have to keep on top of shoplifters, all the cleaning, working stock as well as serving the customers quickly and efficiency.
My contact lenses would make my eyes sore where I had been wearing them too long, my balance would start to go, shutting up the shop in the dark just felt too dangerous.
So, I spoke to my manager, and he agreed that it was a good idea to work less late shifts, I no longer had to struggle counting the store safe and record all the info on the company PC. I had noticed that I was finding it much harder to tell the difference between the different coins, and checking people's ID was impossible!
As the months ticked by, things did get a little easier, but the feeling that something was wrong still made an alarm bell ring in my little brain. Christmas came, and I got swept in with the chaos it brings to a shop, but I had noticed I was finding it hard to concentrate, I constantly had a head ache, there was no joy in life anymore, I'd trip over more, knock and bump into things, I really had to push myself to get going everyday.
In December I'd convinced myself that there was something wrong with my contact lenses, so I took myself off to get them looked at.....nope, nothing wrong with them, apparently it's my eyes and I need a referral back to Moorfields.
Referral sent, I carried on trying to cope. Early January and our managers seat got a new bum on it, only, suddenly I was back on the late shifts, counting the safe and dealing with situations that made me feel afraid and vulnerable, so, I put my head down and got on with managing the growing pressure's handed down the line!
Mid January and my referral came through, I had an appointment for early February, off we plod into London on a freezing cold morning to see my consultant....errrr, Lynda, just tell me exactly what you expect to happen?......well, I just want to rule out any problems with my eyes cause I've not been feeling right!......yes, BUT, you have been told to expect that your sight will get worse, and although the tests show the condition of the tiny hole you have at the back your good eye is stable, you have indeed lost more sight, therefore you need to make changes in your lifestyle to accommodate this, ok?
Okay dokey, so I go home, rest for a day, go back to work and totally ignore the conversation with the consultant.
I thought, as I have done so many times before, that my brain would adapt to my new level of sight, and somehow I'd get better, only I hadn't counted on the fact that it just didn't happen, but on top of everything else, this dark, lonely, desperate feeling was starting in my stomach and starting to grow through my whole body!
