I remember a time when this was so easy, you know, your partner moans at you because your toe nails have scratched them during the night while you slept, so you rummage around in the bedside draw for the nail clippers, 20 seconds later, problem solved. These days I find myself dreading the job of cutting toe nails. I tend to leave them until they rub on the inside of my shoes through my socks, and by the end of the day the tops of my toes feel like they are bruised, I cant walk properly and there are holes appearing on the seam of my socks. I know I could get help, you know, ask someone to cut them for me, but I have a lot of hate when it comes to feet! Hate people touching my feet, hate the feel of toe nails ,before and after they have been cut and HATE HATE HATE the fact that I cant see my toes and cut my nails by feel and dam good luck. You hear of these couple who suck each others toes, what the hell is wrong with people!! That only sounds like some sort of torture to me.
I only once sliced the top of my big toe and that was when I was using some special toe nail clippers provided by the RNIB, they were a chunky apparatus with a light on the end, and they were 'safe' to use, but you know me, useless as usual, and managed to prove safety wrong and spent well over a week catching my sock on the sliced big toe and making it bleed. Toe nail clippers got thrown in the bin and I fished out a pair of old baby scissors that I used to use for cutting the toe nails of my girls when they were babies. They don't make a sharp cut but I don't care, there is no bloody way I am slicing any more off of my toes. I do find it easier to find the toes on the ends of my feet when the nails are painted, but I cant paint them and I think the girls get fed up with my squeals of displeasure when anyone goes near my feet, so they don't offer to paint them for me very often. I sometimes wonder how I would know if there was something nasty going on all the way down there at the end of my legs. I remember Gran saying to me many years ago....'Always look after your eyes and your feet, in your case Lyn, just look after your feet'..her words are always in the back of my mind, not because she thought my sight was crap but because I think I should probably try to be a bit braver and 'look after my feet' actually, now I think about it, its probably her fault I hate feet so much, she had the most awful feet I have ever seen, and as she is no longer here to defend herself, she gets the blame...sorry Gran.
Anyway, toe nails have been hacked down for a few weeks, this is in anticipation of a busy week ahead, and a lot of walking. Doctors tomorrow morning, to talk about going back to work and hopefully signing a slip of paper to say she is happy for me to go back. Swimming in the afternoon, did I tell you, we did 14 lengths last week?! Moorfields Thursday morning to check the floater (which is still there), check all is stable and to talk about operating on the floater and Friday to meet with my boss and talk about getting my backside back to some kind of normality.
If I am honest with myself, I know there has been some deterioration in my 'good' eye. Mum and I took some of her grandchildren out to tea on Saturday night at out local Indian restaurant. I used to be able to make out some of the writing on the menu, but I couldn't read a single word this time, and sort of did the 'act' thing and causally got the kids to recommend a nice dish. When the food came, I argued with Mum about what sat in my bowl on the hot plate in front of me, I said it was chicken in a sauce and she was saying....Noooo Lyn, its veg and potato. She was right and my chicken came in a different dish with my rice, I had no idea!! But it all tasted lovely so it wasn't a problem really. All was going swimmingly, until the end when I stood up to leave with everyone else and realised I had somehow (and I really don't know how) managed to get the arm of my coat zipped into my hand bag. The zip wouldn't budge and I had to wriggle into my coat while the handbag hung off my arm like some sort of handbag growth, get Mum to do my coat up for me, all the while the kids are pissing themselves laughing at me and the restaurant staff are just standing there with their mouths open wondering what the hell the fuss was all about. We walked all the way back to Mums house with me clutching the dam bag in an abnormal position and looking like a right prat. However, by the time I had wriggled out of the coat and handbag, left it on Mums kitchen floor, raced up stairs to the loo for a wee and readjusted myself, Mum had yanked the coat and handbag apart, order once again restored!
Today I pushed myself around a busy Asda, and I am definitely stronger willed than I was, the confidence that I lost in September is returning, I seem to be able to maintain composure and concentrate on looking for the things I need, although I wasn't on my own, I still felt very level headed. So, fingers crossed for a good day at the hospital on Thursdays, I am nearly 100% sure they will say that my eyes have stabilised and I should be good to get back to it again, well, obviously I will be taking it easier and being more respectful of what I have. What's that saying....'once bitten, twice shy'...or in my case, 'tenth time bitten, learnt my bloody lesson at last'.
Will let you know how it all goes, Speak soon x
Sunday 25 February 2018
Sunday 18 February 2018
Acting
Well, no sooner had I mentioned 'the Act' in the previous blog and, blow me, I receive the latest bulletin of RNIB connect and there is a article in there from a blind gentleman, entitled...I feel like I should act more blind than I am....He talks about how people are stereotypical, especially when he is using his white cane. He feels that many people expect a blind person to act a certain way and when using his cane if he doesn't use it correctly he will be judged and challenged on how blind he really is.
Of course, my first reaction to this is...people should mind their own bloody business, but I get it, and I am almost really pleased that this man feels this way, for it means that I am not alone.
The difference between us is that he feels he needs to act more blind, whereas I act less blind! Sounds bonkers, but my act has blossomed into something so beautiful and clever that I can fool most people, sometimes I even impress myself.
Of course, there are occasions where it is impossible or just down right stupid not to let people around me know that I cant see! Like at the swimming pool, I always use my cane at the pool side, from the moment I step out of the changing room in my fancy, slightly too tight cozzie, my cane is in full working order, its so important to let other people know, it lets other swimmers know that I am a hazard, the life guards see me and acknowledge me and the flooring at Hitchin pool is kind of like a parquet flooring sort of effect, and it makes me dizzy, the acoustics in there are also really disorientating, so I am fully aware that this is not a safe place to be acting like I don't have a problem.
Because everything I do is planned, its very easy to act, acting in a very strange way, makes me feel like I am in control, however I do always feel like I am walking a very fine line between success and disaster. Lets take yesterday for example, So I needed a new light fitting for the hall and living room, my friend messaged me on Friday afternoon to say he would pop round Saturday morning to do the job. No problem, except I had picked up the living room light fittings in the week, but the hall one I couldn't decide what I wanted to put up there. When his message came through I was out walking dogs with my eldest daughter. This put my brain in a complete tizzy, but I worked out a plan that would mean rushing home, changing into clothes that weren't covered in mud and dog hair, jumping on the next bus and running to Argos before it shut to pick up the light fitting, and getting the next bus home. My heart was thumping in my chest as I changed clothes, grabbed my handbag and bus pass and was just about to go charging out of the door to run to the bus stop......Maybe I should check the item is in stock...so back in I go and check. Dam thing was out of stock. So I order it in for the next morning, take off my coat and shoes and relax. The following morning, I get up early with a fresh plan in my head, this was instantly scrapped as my daughter said she would drive me to get the fitting. We arrive at Argos and I have my reservation number ready for the young lady on the till, so I sent the daughter off to the bank to get cash to pay my friend for fitting the lights. Everything was going swimmingly, until the young lady informed me that my light fitting was on clearance because they no longer stock the bulbs for it. I felt so sorry for the young girl, my face must have looked like I had just witnessed a murder, and in that split second, my act was trashed. I couldn't go look through the magazine to order a different one, and asking for help from a teenager seemed too humiliating so my instinct was to run away. A few seconds later, the daughter was back and I was walking out of the shop after thanking the young girl for her help but cancelling the order as I didn't really see the point in buying a light fitting that you couldn't get bulbs for. So we went to another shop, and the daughter helped me choose a less lovely light fitting and light bulbs. As my daughter was with me, everything was fine and my act was restored, but if I had been on my own there would have been no way I could have purchased the fitting and the correct light bulbs.
I have come to realise that there is much more to this acting thing than even I give credit too, and I do feel that if I am seen doing something without my cane then I should be behaving a certain way. Like walking Ralph, I can walk miles over my learnt route and not see a soul, but then, I will see someone who knows me, but doesn't know enough to understand that I am walking a route that has been taught to me and I feel like I have to explain myself because I should really be sitting in a chair safely at home, never going out, never experiencing slipping arse over tit in the mud or standing calling your dog for ten minutes only to realise the little bugger has been standing beside you all the time, nor do they see that after the dog walk I am exhausted and barely have the energy to do anything else for the rest of the day. Of course, when I am with someone it takes the pressure off, I tend to let others take the lead and am happy to be guided. But, its not always practical to have someone there to do things with me, and then there is the whole matter of independence, why shouldn't I be doing things on my own? Its not that I don't need my cane, its that I have learnt to manage with out it. Mind you, maybe I do feel that it is time to start carrying it around with me, its just a shame that it doesn't fold up smaller.
Anyway, like I said, its so easy to pretend that I have seen something when someone passes me their phone and shows me a picture of their cat, its not that I don't care about their cat, it just easier to say ohhhh yes how lovely. All this makes me worry even more about going back to work, having eyes watching me, expecting me to be acting a certain way, or expecting me not to be able to do certain things. I have been in this role for fifteen years, I understand Autism like a mechanic understands a car, I don't need sight to continue working along side my colleagues, I need trust and honesty. Although I have worked in the same building for all that time, its going to take me a few weeks to get back to grips with it, I will never be able to work at my usual speed again and that is something else that might be difficult for others to understand. Again I find myself wishing I looked different, if people could see it, they might understand it better.
I am starting to depress myself now, so I will stop banging on.
Oh, I know what I meant to tell you, The RNIB contacted me again to tell me that I wrote a fab review for The Royal Albert Hall and asked if they could use it, which of course I agreed too. The more I think about it, the more I love the thought of writing reviews, a fairy tail world where I could go off visiting loads of different places with Mum and then I could report back on all our adventures....A lottery win is needed I think! That said, I have put my name down to be put in the ballot box for the next trip to the Royal Albert in a couple of weeks, I don't rate my chances this time but you never know.
I leave you with a couple of photos of my walk with Ralph today and my very first glimpse of spring. x
Of course, my first reaction to this is...people should mind their own bloody business, but I get it, and I am almost really pleased that this man feels this way, for it means that I am not alone.
The difference between us is that he feels he needs to act more blind, whereas I act less blind! Sounds bonkers, but my act has blossomed into something so beautiful and clever that I can fool most people, sometimes I even impress myself.
Of course, there are occasions where it is impossible or just down right stupid not to let people around me know that I cant see! Like at the swimming pool, I always use my cane at the pool side, from the moment I step out of the changing room in my fancy, slightly too tight cozzie, my cane is in full working order, its so important to let other people know, it lets other swimmers know that I am a hazard, the life guards see me and acknowledge me and the flooring at Hitchin pool is kind of like a parquet flooring sort of effect, and it makes me dizzy, the acoustics in there are also really disorientating, so I am fully aware that this is not a safe place to be acting like I don't have a problem.
Because everything I do is planned, its very easy to act, acting in a very strange way, makes me feel like I am in control, however I do always feel like I am walking a very fine line between success and disaster. Lets take yesterday for example, So I needed a new light fitting for the hall and living room, my friend messaged me on Friday afternoon to say he would pop round Saturday morning to do the job. No problem, except I had picked up the living room light fittings in the week, but the hall one I couldn't decide what I wanted to put up there. When his message came through I was out walking dogs with my eldest daughter. This put my brain in a complete tizzy, but I worked out a plan that would mean rushing home, changing into clothes that weren't covered in mud and dog hair, jumping on the next bus and running to Argos before it shut to pick up the light fitting, and getting the next bus home. My heart was thumping in my chest as I changed clothes, grabbed my handbag and bus pass and was just about to go charging out of the door to run to the bus stop......Maybe I should check the item is in stock...so back in I go and check. Dam thing was out of stock. So I order it in for the next morning, take off my coat and shoes and relax. The following morning, I get up early with a fresh plan in my head, this was instantly scrapped as my daughter said she would drive me to get the fitting. We arrive at Argos and I have my reservation number ready for the young lady on the till, so I sent the daughter off to the bank to get cash to pay my friend for fitting the lights. Everything was going swimmingly, until the young lady informed me that my light fitting was on clearance because they no longer stock the bulbs for it. I felt so sorry for the young girl, my face must have looked like I had just witnessed a murder, and in that split second, my act was trashed. I couldn't go look through the magazine to order a different one, and asking for help from a teenager seemed too humiliating so my instinct was to run away. A few seconds later, the daughter was back and I was walking out of the shop after thanking the young girl for her help but cancelling the order as I didn't really see the point in buying a light fitting that you couldn't get bulbs for. So we went to another shop, and the daughter helped me choose a less lovely light fitting and light bulbs. As my daughter was with me, everything was fine and my act was restored, but if I had been on my own there would have been no way I could have purchased the fitting and the correct light bulbs.
I have come to realise that there is much more to this acting thing than even I give credit too, and I do feel that if I am seen doing something without my cane then I should be behaving a certain way. Like walking Ralph, I can walk miles over my learnt route and not see a soul, but then, I will see someone who knows me, but doesn't know enough to understand that I am walking a route that has been taught to me and I feel like I have to explain myself because I should really be sitting in a chair safely at home, never going out, never experiencing slipping arse over tit in the mud or standing calling your dog for ten minutes only to realise the little bugger has been standing beside you all the time, nor do they see that after the dog walk I am exhausted and barely have the energy to do anything else for the rest of the day. Of course, when I am with someone it takes the pressure off, I tend to let others take the lead and am happy to be guided. But, its not always practical to have someone there to do things with me, and then there is the whole matter of independence, why shouldn't I be doing things on my own? Its not that I don't need my cane, its that I have learnt to manage with out it. Mind you, maybe I do feel that it is time to start carrying it around with me, its just a shame that it doesn't fold up smaller.
Anyway, like I said, its so easy to pretend that I have seen something when someone passes me their phone and shows me a picture of their cat, its not that I don't care about their cat, it just easier to say ohhhh yes how lovely. All this makes me worry even more about going back to work, having eyes watching me, expecting me to be acting a certain way, or expecting me not to be able to do certain things. I have been in this role for fifteen years, I understand Autism like a mechanic understands a car, I don't need sight to continue working along side my colleagues, I need trust and honesty. Although I have worked in the same building for all that time, its going to take me a few weeks to get back to grips with it, I will never be able to work at my usual speed again and that is something else that might be difficult for others to understand. Again I find myself wishing I looked different, if people could see it, they might understand it better.
I am starting to depress myself now, so I will stop banging on.
Oh, I know what I meant to tell you, The RNIB contacted me again to tell me that I wrote a fab review for The Royal Albert Hall and asked if they could use it, which of course I agreed too. The more I think about it, the more I love the thought of writing reviews, a fairy tail world where I could go off visiting loads of different places with Mum and then I could report back on all our adventures....A lottery win is needed I think! That said, I have put my name down to be put in the ballot box for the next trip to the Royal Albert in a couple of weeks, I don't rate my chances this time but you never know.
I leave you with a couple of photos of my walk with Ralph today and my very first glimpse of spring. x
Thursday 15 February 2018
Questions
The arrival of my new washing machine and dishwasher has meant I have spent, at least, the last two weeks, firstly, working out how to use them and secondly, catching up with the back-log of washing. I have become obsessed with checking the weather to see if I can get washing on the line instead of hanging it all around the house in the hope that it dries quickly. I am also becoming increasingly jealous of my family living in Australia, whose washing would be dry after half an hour outside, although I suppose it would be easy to leave it too long and end up with baked clothes that are impossible to iron....anyway, enough of the domestic twaddle.
The other day someone asked me how I was and how I was getting on. This sort of questioning always throws me because I avoid being put on the spot and being the focus of conversation. Its easy to talk about it from a blog or to someone you don't know, but its hard when someone you know asks an outright question and you want to give a quick and honest answer, but things are much more complicated than a two word answer.
So, one of the questions was, How is your sight different now to back in September? and, How has the floater affected you and what you see?....see what I mean? How can you begin to reply to that when you are standing at the bus stop and you hear the bloody thing rumbling around the corner. So, instead of being honest, I say...ohhh its not too bad, I am learning to live with it. Ignoring the first question and vaguely answering the second while I avoid any eye contact and fumble around in my bag for my bus pass when I know full well its already in my coat pocket. I then make myself look even more of a prat as I leap up on to the steps of the bus and nearly knock myself out on the wing mirror, when the bus driver said, Are you ok love? I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell him to 'F**K OFF, or cry, noooo, I need a hug!!
When I got myself seated I began to think about the person and what felt like invasive questioning. I felt like I was being judged and that maybe this person didn't believe that my sight is so bad because I was catching a bus into town on my own, within five minutes I had managed to convince myself that no one believed me, and that people were mocking me because I didn't and don't 'act' blind. By 'act' I mean, I and people like me, learn very quickly how to act normally. Regular Joe with fully functioning eyes takes for granted his or her own sight, so we as folks with impaired sight find it easier to fit in with regular Joe than force our worlds on others. I argue with myself everyday about using my cane, if I use it I stand out, If I don't, no-one knows, people don't jump out of my way like I had burnt them, people don't stand and stare but there is also massive down side, like when you cant see the price of something, or read a label, if I had my cane and asked someone what was written on a label they would know instantly why I cant read it. So, the 'act' comes into play..you stand there with your bottle of shampoo, you have no idea what the price is or if there is a deal on, so you listen in on other peoples conversation, usually people will stand there saying...ohhh that's a good deal, buy one get one half price, so instantly I know to pick up the same bottles as they did, also getting shampoo AND conditioner can be tricky as often the bottles are the same colour, so you say to the people, ohhhh YESSS that does sound like a good deal, would you mind passing me a shampoo and conditioner...BOOM!! The people don't know that you cant see, they just think you are lazy!
Another trick, especially in Superdrug, is to listen to the radio, they have their own channel and they tell you all about deals and offers.
I know I slip into the 'act' very easily, maybe too easily, I have noticed that lately, when we are out in the car, my daughter says...ohhh Mum, look at that beautiful puppy, I say OHHHHH YESSS how lovely, instead of saying, where? I don't see a bloody puppy! and what's worse is, I still don't see a puppy, she banging on about how cute the puppy is and I have no idea what puppy she is on about!!
Well, anyway, getting back to the bus ride and the questions. After beating myself up for at least five minutes I gave myself a virtual slap around the face, shut my eyes and took a few deep breaths, how do I know what the person at the bus stop was thinking? Why did I assume that the situation was negative? Maybe, just maybe they were asking questions because they were interested. So, I thought about the questions.....
How is my sight different, how does the floater effect sight and what can I see? Since September last year there have been many changes, the floater that first appeared was very black, very big and I couldn't see past it, it made life very difficult. Now, in February, a good five months down the line, I am unsure if it is the floater that has changed or me. I know it hasn't gone away or moved like the hospital hoped. I know it is as big and as black as it was, however I seem to be able to cope better. My brain seems to have adjusted to either see past it, or, which is more likely, my brain has stopped trying to see what it saw before September and has settled down to a new 'sight level'. This would explain why certain things that I could do before I now cant do. Like reading and writing. Reading is a waste of time, if its not large print I simply cant read it, even with magnifiers its hard going. Writing on the other hand has been a challenge that I am winning! At first I just couldn't write, well, what I wrote was incomprehensible, when I was at school I was proud of my neat writing, so I was gutted that I didn't seem to be able to form letters properly, let alone produce a neatly written sentence that someone could read and understand. But as I am writing my list of jobs to do everyday, I made sure I took my time and practised forming letters slowly so now although I cant read what I have written, I know its neat. I have also noticed that I get tired much quicker than I used to and doing different activities can be exhausting and will take me a couple of days to get over it! We went to Milton Keynes on Sunday to do some shopping, MK is a big shopping centre and I haven't been there for years, so after three hours walking around, I was starting to get dizzy with the constant moving and flow of people and the concentrating on keeping up with the family. I am also less patient than I was and get frustrated easily, my contact lenses make my eyes tired quicker than they used to, but if I take them out I cant see a thing with my glasses on, this makes me feel like I am trapped in a little world of my own, as once my lenses are out, any thoughts of doing anything other than sitting still with the ipad rubbing on the end of my nose are impossible.
See, how was I supposed to explain all that in a matter of seconds, and not sound like I am moaning and feeling sorry for myself.
Guess what...the sun is shining, so I have to rush and put more washing on the line. But I leave you with a photo of Ralph, sneaky little git!!
The other day someone asked me how I was and how I was getting on. This sort of questioning always throws me because I avoid being put on the spot and being the focus of conversation. Its easy to talk about it from a blog or to someone you don't know, but its hard when someone you know asks an outright question and you want to give a quick and honest answer, but things are much more complicated than a two word answer.
So, one of the questions was, How is your sight different now to back in September? and, How has the floater affected you and what you see?....see what I mean? How can you begin to reply to that when you are standing at the bus stop and you hear the bloody thing rumbling around the corner. So, instead of being honest, I say...ohhh its not too bad, I am learning to live with it. Ignoring the first question and vaguely answering the second while I avoid any eye contact and fumble around in my bag for my bus pass when I know full well its already in my coat pocket. I then make myself look even more of a prat as I leap up on to the steps of the bus and nearly knock myself out on the wing mirror, when the bus driver said, Are you ok love? I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell him to 'F**K OFF, or cry, noooo, I need a hug!!
When I got myself seated I began to think about the person and what felt like invasive questioning. I felt like I was being judged and that maybe this person didn't believe that my sight is so bad because I was catching a bus into town on my own, within five minutes I had managed to convince myself that no one believed me, and that people were mocking me because I didn't and don't 'act' blind. By 'act' I mean, I and people like me, learn very quickly how to act normally. Regular Joe with fully functioning eyes takes for granted his or her own sight, so we as folks with impaired sight find it easier to fit in with regular Joe than force our worlds on others. I argue with myself everyday about using my cane, if I use it I stand out, If I don't, no-one knows, people don't jump out of my way like I had burnt them, people don't stand and stare but there is also massive down side, like when you cant see the price of something, or read a label, if I had my cane and asked someone what was written on a label they would know instantly why I cant read it. So, the 'act' comes into play..you stand there with your bottle of shampoo, you have no idea what the price is or if there is a deal on, so you listen in on other peoples conversation, usually people will stand there saying...ohhh that's a good deal, buy one get one half price, so instantly I know to pick up the same bottles as they did, also getting shampoo AND conditioner can be tricky as often the bottles are the same colour, so you say to the people, ohhhh YESSS that does sound like a good deal, would you mind passing me a shampoo and conditioner...BOOM!! The people don't know that you cant see, they just think you are lazy!
Another trick, especially in Superdrug, is to listen to the radio, they have their own channel and they tell you all about deals and offers.
I know I slip into the 'act' very easily, maybe too easily, I have noticed that lately, when we are out in the car, my daughter says...ohhh Mum, look at that beautiful puppy, I say OHHHHH YESSS how lovely, instead of saying, where? I don't see a bloody puppy! and what's worse is, I still don't see a puppy, she banging on about how cute the puppy is and I have no idea what puppy she is on about!!
Well, anyway, getting back to the bus ride and the questions. After beating myself up for at least five minutes I gave myself a virtual slap around the face, shut my eyes and took a few deep breaths, how do I know what the person at the bus stop was thinking? Why did I assume that the situation was negative? Maybe, just maybe they were asking questions because they were interested. So, I thought about the questions.....
How is my sight different, how does the floater effect sight and what can I see? Since September last year there have been many changes, the floater that first appeared was very black, very big and I couldn't see past it, it made life very difficult. Now, in February, a good five months down the line, I am unsure if it is the floater that has changed or me. I know it hasn't gone away or moved like the hospital hoped. I know it is as big and as black as it was, however I seem to be able to cope better. My brain seems to have adjusted to either see past it, or, which is more likely, my brain has stopped trying to see what it saw before September and has settled down to a new 'sight level'. This would explain why certain things that I could do before I now cant do. Like reading and writing. Reading is a waste of time, if its not large print I simply cant read it, even with magnifiers its hard going. Writing on the other hand has been a challenge that I am winning! At first I just couldn't write, well, what I wrote was incomprehensible, when I was at school I was proud of my neat writing, so I was gutted that I didn't seem to be able to form letters properly, let alone produce a neatly written sentence that someone could read and understand. But as I am writing my list of jobs to do everyday, I made sure I took my time and practised forming letters slowly so now although I cant read what I have written, I know its neat. I have also noticed that I get tired much quicker than I used to and doing different activities can be exhausting and will take me a couple of days to get over it! We went to Milton Keynes on Sunday to do some shopping, MK is a big shopping centre and I haven't been there for years, so after three hours walking around, I was starting to get dizzy with the constant moving and flow of people and the concentrating on keeping up with the family. I am also less patient than I was and get frustrated easily, my contact lenses make my eyes tired quicker than they used to, but if I take them out I cant see a thing with my glasses on, this makes me feel like I am trapped in a little world of my own, as once my lenses are out, any thoughts of doing anything other than sitting still with the ipad rubbing on the end of my nose are impossible.
See, how was I supposed to explain all that in a matter of seconds, and not sound like I am moaning and feeling sorry for myself.
Guess what...the sun is shining, so I have to rush and put more washing on the line. But I leave you with a photo of Ralph, sneaky little git!!
Saturday 3 February 2018
occupational Health
Another week has whizzed by, and there have been a few of those moments where time seems to stand still for you, but what's happening around you carries on, those moments are often the ones which firstly make you grateful for who you are but also make you remember what you are.
Sitting in the MacMillan care unit on Monday at Lister Hospital I found myself looking around at all the people sat on the sofas and arm chairs, all sitting hand-in-hand with a loved one, some not speaking, others making empty plans for the future. I watched as one by one people were called in for either appointments with their Doctor or to receive treatment, sitting by the nurses desk I couldn't help but watch as the nurses called each patient to be weighed before their appointment, the nurses showing fond familiarity with most of the people they called and if not familiar they showed kind, gentle friendliness towards the newly terrified patients.
I heard snatched of good news and bad news as people passed where I sat, with strangers giving mumbles of sympathy or hope as these people passed by. There were people at all different stages, and although we were all sitting as part of a massive hospital, the waiting area felt like the only place left in the world, no-one minded that Chemotherapy was running an hour behind, it just meant more cups of tea and biscuits and a longer time holding the hand of that loved one. The heavy feeling I feel in my heart hasn't left me some five days later, and I keep wondering how the very sick man sitting in his wheelchair dressed only in his pj's and dressing gown is, or how his daughter is coping watching her Father become weaker, knowing that the colour his skin had turned to and the pain that rippled through his body each time he moved can only mean one thing, Or the lady and her husband, the husband looking wretched, terrified, and watching his wife's every move as if scared she might disappear while the wife was full of questions, positivity and defiance, and then there was the family, a family of three, man, woman and a tiny baby, the woman pushed the buggy with the baby and the man walked in front of them. I expected the woman to get up on the scales to be weighed as she looked so lost and scared, but no, it was the man, this perfectly healthy looking man, as they walked through the doors that connected the waiting room and the doctors consultant rooms I could hear the nurse explaining that his blood samples had come back and then she started explaining there showed a problem with the cells. Her voice drifted off as did the disappointing and devastated noises coming from the man and the woman as they were led through the doors to see the Doctor. I am still wondering about the lady who was so pleased as she had put some weight on and that she had been given happier news that day. There is nothing that can prepare you for something like this, no-one can tell you how you will feel or what will happen. This is a place that puts things into perspective, never take anything for granted, Cancer doesn't care who you are, what colour you skin is, how rich you are. Even though I have a very good friend who has been through this, I feel ashamed that it didn't feel real to me at the time, I only saw it from the outside looking in, instead of sitting on that sofa, Monday made me realise how real this is and how very different life would be now without her.
I have spent the rest of the week feeling emotional and sensitive, I have cleaned parts of my house I didn't know you were supposed to clean, I have washed walls down, scrubbed floors and polished windows, all the while thinking of those folks I saw on Monday, and hoping that they know that people are thinking of them.
All this activity meant that Thursday came around too soon and I wasn't prepared for it, the Occupational Health appointment was upon me and it wasn't going away, so armed with the person who is very much my strongest defence, we barrelled off to the appointment not knowing what to expect. My previous experience with Occy Health was many years ago, and I saw a Doctor who wasn't very pleasant, and sent me back to work, which was fine but there was nothing really decided about what I needed only that I have a sight problem and I seem to be managing, so....carry on then dear.
The lady we met on Thursday was not like the Doctor I met before, she explained who she was, what her qualifications were and what Occupational Health was there to do. I have always tried to look at things from the employers point of view and tried to remain as efficient and hard working as I can for fear of others feeling that I was incapable of doing the job. But this lady made me turn the situation on its head and made me consider myself first, She made me remember that I have a condition that enables me from living my life as I would like to but there are also adjustments which can be made. She understood my need for normality but made me realise that my normal is normal, not someone else's normal! We talked for a long time about what to expect and how to prepare for returning to work. There are so many considerations and situations that I will need to be ready for. The emotional side of things, the staff I haven't seen for six months, I know some will want a hug, Others will be afraid to ask questions in case they might upset me, some staff will be new and wont know me while others wont care. Having to take a step back instead of taking the lead, learning to say out loud that there is something I cant do instead of just thinking it. Exhaustion, my brain works so hard to absorb all the information it receives, desperately tucking information away in memory for the next time I need it, the information I need for work has been asleep for months, it will take a while to get it pumping around my head again. Life doesn't stop when you finish work for the day, there are still Mum matters to get on with, meals to cook, house to clean, dog to walk, I know this process is going to take a while and it will be tiny steps as I become familiar and confident around the building again, and then building and rebuilding new and old relationships with staff and all that is before I am let back into the classroom. Above all she was very clear about the level of support they are there to provide and was keen to look into ways of helping me manage better. I am happy to come away from the meeting not feeling like a hindrance and with the knowledge I still valued as a member of staff. All that I have to come is nothing compared to what those people in that waiting room are going through and I count myself very lucky that the only thing I am loosing is sight. Life can be cruel, don't take it for granted, do the things you want, tell the people you love that you love them and above all don't take chances with your health.
Speak Soon x
Sitting in the MacMillan care unit on Monday at Lister Hospital I found myself looking around at all the people sat on the sofas and arm chairs, all sitting hand-in-hand with a loved one, some not speaking, others making empty plans for the future. I watched as one by one people were called in for either appointments with their Doctor or to receive treatment, sitting by the nurses desk I couldn't help but watch as the nurses called each patient to be weighed before their appointment, the nurses showing fond familiarity with most of the people they called and if not familiar they showed kind, gentle friendliness towards the newly terrified patients.
I heard snatched of good news and bad news as people passed where I sat, with strangers giving mumbles of sympathy or hope as these people passed by. There were people at all different stages, and although we were all sitting as part of a massive hospital, the waiting area felt like the only place left in the world, no-one minded that Chemotherapy was running an hour behind, it just meant more cups of tea and biscuits and a longer time holding the hand of that loved one. The heavy feeling I feel in my heart hasn't left me some five days later, and I keep wondering how the very sick man sitting in his wheelchair dressed only in his pj's and dressing gown is, or how his daughter is coping watching her Father become weaker, knowing that the colour his skin had turned to and the pain that rippled through his body each time he moved can only mean one thing, Or the lady and her husband, the husband looking wretched, terrified, and watching his wife's every move as if scared she might disappear while the wife was full of questions, positivity and defiance, and then there was the family, a family of three, man, woman and a tiny baby, the woman pushed the buggy with the baby and the man walked in front of them. I expected the woman to get up on the scales to be weighed as she looked so lost and scared, but no, it was the man, this perfectly healthy looking man, as they walked through the doors that connected the waiting room and the doctors consultant rooms I could hear the nurse explaining that his blood samples had come back and then she started explaining there showed a problem with the cells. Her voice drifted off as did the disappointing and devastated noises coming from the man and the woman as they were led through the doors to see the Doctor. I am still wondering about the lady who was so pleased as she had put some weight on and that she had been given happier news that day. There is nothing that can prepare you for something like this, no-one can tell you how you will feel or what will happen. This is a place that puts things into perspective, never take anything for granted, Cancer doesn't care who you are, what colour you skin is, how rich you are. Even though I have a very good friend who has been through this, I feel ashamed that it didn't feel real to me at the time, I only saw it from the outside looking in, instead of sitting on that sofa, Monday made me realise how real this is and how very different life would be now without her.
I have spent the rest of the week feeling emotional and sensitive, I have cleaned parts of my house I didn't know you were supposed to clean, I have washed walls down, scrubbed floors and polished windows, all the while thinking of those folks I saw on Monday, and hoping that they know that people are thinking of them.
All this activity meant that Thursday came around too soon and I wasn't prepared for it, the Occupational Health appointment was upon me and it wasn't going away, so armed with the person who is very much my strongest defence, we barrelled off to the appointment not knowing what to expect. My previous experience with Occy Health was many years ago, and I saw a Doctor who wasn't very pleasant, and sent me back to work, which was fine but there was nothing really decided about what I needed only that I have a sight problem and I seem to be managing, so....carry on then dear.
The lady we met on Thursday was not like the Doctor I met before, she explained who she was, what her qualifications were and what Occupational Health was there to do. I have always tried to look at things from the employers point of view and tried to remain as efficient and hard working as I can for fear of others feeling that I was incapable of doing the job. But this lady made me turn the situation on its head and made me consider myself first, She made me remember that I have a condition that enables me from living my life as I would like to but there are also adjustments which can be made. She understood my need for normality but made me realise that my normal is normal, not someone else's normal! We talked for a long time about what to expect and how to prepare for returning to work. There are so many considerations and situations that I will need to be ready for. The emotional side of things, the staff I haven't seen for six months, I know some will want a hug, Others will be afraid to ask questions in case they might upset me, some staff will be new and wont know me while others wont care. Having to take a step back instead of taking the lead, learning to say out loud that there is something I cant do instead of just thinking it. Exhaustion, my brain works so hard to absorb all the information it receives, desperately tucking information away in memory for the next time I need it, the information I need for work has been asleep for months, it will take a while to get it pumping around my head again. Life doesn't stop when you finish work for the day, there are still Mum matters to get on with, meals to cook, house to clean, dog to walk, I know this process is going to take a while and it will be tiny steps as I become familiar and confident around the building again, and then building and rebuilding new and old relationships with staff and all that is before I am let back into the classroom. Above all she was very clear about the level of support they are there to provide and was keen to look into ways of helping me manage better. I am happy to come away from the meeting not feeling like a hindrance and with the knowledge I still valued as a member of staff. All that I have to come is nothing compared to what those people in that waiting room are going through and I count myself very lucky that the only thing I am loosing is sight. Life can be cruel, don't take it for granted, do the things you want, tell the people you love that you love them and above all don't take chances with your health.
Speak Soon x
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)