Hello everyone,
I hope this blog finds you all well. We have had a very cold week here and everyone has been sharing their germs! Last week it was my turn, I came down with proper man flu last Friday, I spent the whole of last weekend traveling between my bed and the loo, but stupidly instead of having a couple of days off work to recover properly I went back to work on Monday, knowing I would have Tuesday off to recover, and that's how it went all week, as I work every other day I wasn't really getting better, I was spending my days off asleep and then dragging myself through my days at work.
This is a subject I haven't really touched on before, being poorly brings a whole host of other difficulties when you have sight problems.
For me, as soon as I feel unwell my balance goes, I am more likely to walk into things, trip over or drop things. I find it harder to absorb information and its almost like my tiny little brain has shut down, unfortunately, not everyone is sympathetic to this so I try to carry on as normal. I can only describe the feeling in my head is like having your brain replaced with a big marshmallow, information keeps coming at you but it just bounces off the outside of the marshmallow, and inside is so thick and solid you just cant function properly.
I also find I cant keep my contact lenses in for as long, they seem to dry up, and without them, as you know, my sight is very poor.
When your head is thick with a heavy cold, your ears get blocked, or they become more sensitive to noise, my brain relies on my hearing to help me through the day, so when my brain realises that I cant hear it tries to work harder to find other ways of helping me...smell..nope, all I can smell is snot, and snot does have a smell!
So with sight, hearing and smell not working and my brain turned into a marshmallow, I have little hope of making it through the day without either having a sleep so my body and more importantly my brain can rest, or losing the plot and screaming my head off at a innocent person because I am so frustrated and tired.
People must look at me and think, ohhhh for gods sake its only a cold, and I do understand that, if only you would stop and think about what this means, I am totally exhausted, my brain is franticly working harder to get me functioning normally, well, normally for me! and I cant, so I have to stop, stopping means I have let a simple cold defeat me, I can climb mountains and navigate myself around my local area independently, but give me a cold and I am buggered!
It takes longer to get over being unwell too, I know that's what happens as we get older, but I really have to push myself to get going again, once I do, its fine, its just finding the right time, and a safe time. Poor Ralph has missed our long walks, so I thought I would pull myself together and go out, we both wrapped up, we only walked about a quarter of a mile before I realised that my face was burning hot, the noise outside was sooo much louder than usual, I just couldn't walk in a straight line and I had forgotten my tissues, so much to Ralphs dismay, we turned back, went home and slept on the sofa for the rest of the day.
I really do enjoy silence, I always have, there is something full-filling about sitting with your feet up, eyes closed and complete silence, I feel like it restores something inside me.
All this sitting around and sleeping during the day has meant that I have been staying up slightly later at night and sitting with the girls while they watch TV, Tuesday night, I think it was Tuesday, yeah, it must have been, cos Ralph and I had slept all day on the sofa, anyway, I was allowed full control of the remote for the telly...something that is very rare in my house, mostly because I don't 'watch' telly, I listen to bits and then flick from channel to channel as I get bored.
I stumbled across a documentary called 'The moaning of life' with this guy called Karl Pilkington, so at first he seems to be travelling around the world trying stuff and moaning about it, I had missed the first half due to my constant flicking, but I had come in just as he was having a head massage in Tokyo to make his head smaller, this interested me, ohhh no wait, I saw a little bit before that where he was in a country where they didn't need food, these people were all sitting on the ground looking at the sun as all the nourishment they needed would come from the sun, sorry but all the nourishment I need comes from chocolate! Sun is nourishment for the mind, food is nourishment for the body, anyways, I didn't quite understand the sun thing as I hadn't seen it from the beginning, after Karl had his head massaged, and done nothing but moan all the way through it, and then couldn't really decide if his head was smaller or not, he went on to spend the day with a guy in Tokyo who is blind, they made Karl 'mechanically blind' and he spent the day with this guy, this guy was great, he was just so independent, totally confident in his surroundings, he went off to see his mates with Karl in toe, and they did some rock climbing activity, this blind guy was up and gone in seconds, while Karl barely got his feet off the ground! if you get the chance, look it up, its well worth the view. I related mostly to when they were having a conversation about housework and being house proud, I used to be terribly house proud and I would never have considered going out before I had cleaned or tidied my house, I don't feel like this anymore, and it got me wondering why? Is because I don't see 'dirt' or cobwebs any more? or is it because life means a different thing now? I still do my housework and have adopted a attitude of just because I cant see it doesn't mean it doesn't need cleaning, so I do clean, but its maybe not as thorough as it used to be, and maybe I miss bits, but really, at the end of the day, is it that important? surly we waste time obsessing over cleaning, and worrying that we aren't doing it as well as we should, the dust will still be there when we are not so why worry about it?
I have had some more exciting news this week, that I will hopefully be able to tell you all about next time.
Take care, speak soon xx
Ps) I wonder how many of you fancy eating a marshmallow now? :)
Sunday 29 January 2017
Thursday 19 January 2017
What I left out!!
Well, I cant believe I blogged last night and didn't even talk about the thing that the blog was about....so, while I was on the bus we picked up a lady in the next village along from mine. she got on with another older lady and they made their way to the back of the double decker where I sat on the bench seat.
The first lady I recon might have been my ageish, she didn't really come near enough for me to see her properly. She had a walking stick and seemed to be struggling to walk. when she started to talk she sort of sounded middle aged, if that's not ageist.
The lady following her was short and had a rain mac down to her ankles, and a bobble hat, her voice sounded like that of a older person....maybe I am ageist!
Anyway, the conversation they were having was about how difficult it is to get a job as a person with a disability.
They younger woman was saying that she had always worked, she didn't have a partner (that's not to say she hadn't ever had a partner, I am only going on what I could hear her say), she also hadn't had children, so she only had to provide for herself.
Suddenly she had found herself in a different bracket when she unfortunately became 'disabled' and the full time job she was in was unsuitable and the company she worked for made her redundant.
She could no longer drive and sold her car, so this meant while she was recovering from numerous operations to help her have a better quality of life, she was reasonably well off financially whilst her physical and mental wounds healed and she learned to live a new life as a disabled person.
Yep, I get all that, life can throw some shit at people, and I felt a wave of pity for this lady and then shamefulness as I was sitting earwigging into their conversation.
But I continued to listen....so because she was in a comfortable financial position she was unable to claim most of the benefits that are available, so she plodded on.
As time trickled on, her bank balance had started to trickle away, so as she was feeling mentally strong and ready to get back to the rat race.
That's where the trouble started, the lady began telling the other woman how she had become unemployable, and that companies will not employ someone with a disability, she then reeled off a long list of companies that had vacancies that she had applied for, but none of them, she says, would employ her because of her disability.
So, in my mind there are one of two things happening here, one is, this woman is not trying hard enough to find employment and is simply sitting back and picking jobs that are unrealistic and maybe have health and safety issues involved, maybe she needs to ask why they turn her down! Maybe she needs to look at the types of jobs she is applying for and perhaps re train or look for a job that is more realistic considering her disability (Bare in mind I still don't know what her actual disability is)
The second issue, and one I think is maybe more likely, is that there is a serious problem in this country when it comes to employing people with disabilities....don't get me wrong I do see both sides of the coin, some people with disabilities are quite happy to sit at home claiming every benefit under the sun, others truly ARE UNABLE to work, and then there are people who want to work but cant find someone to employ them.
I have worked with special needs children for 13 years, but I know if I left my job tomorrow and then decided that I missed it, I am quite sure my employer would not re employ me, I am a liability, and probably come with a long list of reasons for not employing, so what do we do? There must be support out there, I know for a fact that there are contacts for my disability that will help me as much as they can. So there must be other organisations to provide people with support to move into employment, actually I am quite sure they are out there, but I don't think the information filters through to everybody, and people get missed, we need a better system to help disabled people with employment, there are companies that will happily employ persons with a disability, Asda for instance have a policy for doing just that.
Maybe communications need to be better, opportunities need to be better advertised, if I found a section in the local newspaper devoted for opportunities for people with sight impairments I would be overwhelmed, not only for job vacancies, but other opportunities, like disabled swim, blind yoga, or blind running club...that obviously would be no good for me as I cant run without peeing myself! I suppose I could wear a tena lady....but then it might rub...what the hell am I talking about, I CANT RUN!!
Anyway, that was what I was supposed to tell you all about yesterday!! I woke up in the middle of the night and thought bugger, I know what I missed out!!
Right am off for a bath and bed, Goodnight everyone,
Speak soon xx
The first lady I recon might have been my ageish, she didn't really come near enough for me to see her properly. She had a walking stick and seemed to be struggling to walk. when she started to talk she sort of sounded middle aged, if that's not ageist.
The lady following her was short and had a rain mac down to her ankles, and a bobble hat, her voice sounded like that of a older person....maybe I am ageist!
Anyway, the conversation they were having was about how difficult it is to get a job as a person with a disability.
They younger woman was saying that she had always worked, she didn't have a partner (that's not to say she hadn't ever had a partner, I am only going on what I could hear her say), she also hadn't had children, so she only had to provide for herself.
Suddenly she had found herself in a different bracket when she unfortunately became 'disabled' and the full time job she was in was unsuitable and the company she worked for made her redundant.
She could no longer drive and sold her car, so this meant while she was recovering from numerous operations to help her have a better quality of life, she was reasonably well off financially whilst her physical and mental wounds healed and she learned to live a new life as a disabled person.
Yep, I get all that, life can throw some shit at people, and I felt a wave of pity for this lady and then shamefulness as I was sitting earwigging into their conversation.
But I continued to listen....so because she was in a comfortable financial position she was unable to claim most of the benefits that are available, so she plodded on.
As time trickled on, her bank balance had started to trickle away, so as she was feeling mentally strong and ready to get back to the rat race.
That's where the trouble started, the lady began telling the other woman how she had become unemployable, and that companies will not employ someone with a disability, she then reeled off a long list of companies that had vacancies that she had applied for, but none of them, she says, would employ her because of her disability.
So, in my mind there are one of two things happening here, one is, this woman is not trying hard enough to find employment and is simply sitting back and picking jobs that are unrealistic and maybe have health and safety issues involved, maybe she needs to ask why they turn her down! Maybe she needs to look at the types of jobs she is applying for and perhaps re train or look for a job that is more realistic considering her disability (Bare in mind I still don't know what her actual disability is)
The second issue, and one I think is maybe more likely, is that there is a serious problem in this country when it comes to employing people with disabilities....don't get me wrong I do see both sides of the coin, some people with disabilities are quite happy to sit at home claiming every benefit under the sun, others truly ARE UNABLE to work, and then there are people who want to work but cant find someone to employ them.
I have worked with special needs children for 13 years, but I know if I left my job tomorrow and then decided that I missed it, I am quite sure my employer would not re employ me, I am a liability, and probably come with a long list of reasons for not employing, so what do we do? There must be support out there, I know for a fact that there are contacts for my disability that will help me as much as they can. So there must be other organisations to provide people with support to move into employment, actually I am quite sure they are out there, but I don't think the information filters through to everybody, and people get missed, we need a better system to help disabled people with employment, there are companies that will happily employ persons with a disability, Asda for instance have a policy for doing just that.
Maybe communications need to be better, opportunities need to be better advertised, if I found a section in the local newspaper devoted for opportunities for people with sight impairments I would be overwhelmed, not only for job vacancies, but other opportunities, like disabled swim, blind yoga, or blind running club...that obviously would be no good for me as I cant run without peeing myself! I suppose I could wear a tena lady....but then it might rub...what the hell am I talking about, I CANT RUN!!
Anyway, that was what I was supposed to tell you all about yesterday!! I woke up in the middle of the night and thought bugger, I know what I missed out!!
Right am off for a bath and bed, Goodnight everyone,
Speak soon xx
Wednesday 18 January 2017
Bus Journey
Hello everyone,
I know this blog is not really sight related, but I think I could write a book about the shenanigans I encounter on the number 72 bus to Hitchin, its a only half hour journey for me, but it is always filled with 'something'.
I suppose it is sort of sight related as, if I had better sight I wouldn't need a bus pass and would probably be able to drive and will have purchased a car and would have very boring journeys to Hitchin!
Tuesday, I caught the 8.45am bus to the town, it was very cold standing at the bus stop, and sadly the bus was late, this brought lots of grumbles from the pensioners who were standing beside me.
When at 8.55 it came trundling around the corner, it was a double decker type bus, this sent a short lived ripple of excitement through the pensioners, who, when they got on the bus did no more than slap their bus pass on the card reader thingy and grunt...'your late' to the bus driver, they then proceeded to make their way up the bus isle moaning to anyone who would listen about the fact that the bus was late and it was disgusting that they had to wait in the cold!
Maybe the bus company should send out a van with blankets and hot soup when they know the service is going to be late!
I felt sorry for the bus driver, I am sure that if he could have got his bus to the bus stop on time he would have done, what did they think the bus driver had been doing? Maybe he nipped into Tesco on route and had breakfast!!
More likely it had something to do with the four sets of road works between here and Bedford and the fact that its first thing in the bloody Morning and the whole country is trying to get to work or drop kids at school, gridlocking the roads.
I am a regular on this bus these days which means I now have what I like to refer to as my bus family, some of them have real names because I know them and some have made up names because its funny!!
Handbag got on at my stop, Handbag cos she is always moaning about the size of her handbag, a few stops down my heart sunk as 'its all about me' got on, a name which speaks for itself really, I think she thinks she is a bit royal, and does this regal wave to all her cronies, a few more stops along and her mate gets on, 'mousey', because she reminds me of a timid quiet mouse, 'Its all about me' is happy to see her pal and proceeds to talk at the top of her voice all about how she has the perfect family, bla bla bla, I actually feel like I am part of that family as I know soooo much about it just from sitting behind her on the bus!!
Mousey, just sits and nods, if she dare try and butt in she is put back into her place!
In the next village we pick up Mr and Mrs, who are a fascinating couple, she is massive, I don't mean over weight, I mean very tall and well built, he is tiny, short, bird like and his clothes are too big for him. He carries all the shopping and stands patiently and quietly while she chats away to all the other pensioners, they always sit together, you never see one without the other and they are always holding hands, provided he hasn't got too much shopping to carry. I would really love to know their story.
In the same village there is a old Italian couple, you can tell she was a beautiful woman when she was younger, she sadly has Alzheimer's and her husband always holds her hand tightly to stop her wandering away, He always has a sad look about him and seems to worry that people might be judging him for holding on to her so tightly, but you can see that the man is devoted to a woman who no longer recognises the world around her, and his face to her is that of familiarity rather than that of her husband, my heart goes out to this man and his wife, known to me as the Italian couple, every time I see them, my troubles are nothing compared to his.
On the return journey an hour later I found myself sitting right in the middle of what I can only describe as a pensioner riot!
So, one old lady had been talking to the shop fitters at a shop that had been empty for sometime, turns out he had told her that the new shop is going to be Ann Summers..........honestly, you have never hear such up roar in all your life.....'why on earth do we need a shop like THAT in our town, its disgusting'......'ohhh yes, filthy, its just going to encourage those perverts'.....'well, I am going to complain I don't want to see toys for adults, we haven't even got a shop selling toys for children'....seriously this is how it went on all the way home, I had the biggest smile on my face and couldn't stop giggling all the way home, you see that generation didn't have sex....ohhhh nooooo the stalk brought the next generation, no need for all that messy stuff!
You cant kid me oldies, we know what you got up to when the lights went out, the radio went off and there was no such thing as telly!!!
Still, it brightened my day, and another reason for not sitting at home thinking about the things you cant do, so if you are feeling a bit low tomorrow, get on a bus, honestly, its mind blowing!!
Although, I cant help wondering if the shop fitter was winding the old woman up, which would serve her right for being bloody nosey!!
Still no more news on the exciting news, but will let you in on it when I can.
Speak Soon xx
I know this blog is not really sight related, but I think I could write a book about the shenanigans I encounter on the number 72 bus to Hitchin, its a only half hour journey for me, but it is always filled with 'something'.
I suppose it is sort of sight related as, if I had better sight I wouldn't need a bus pass and would probably be able to drive and will have purchased a car and would have very boring journeys to Hitchin!
Tuesday, I caught the 8.45am bus to the town, it was very cold standing at the bus stop, and sadly the bus was late, this brought lots of grumbles from the pensioners who were standing beside me.
When at 8.55 it came trundling around the corner, it was a double decker type bus, this sent a short lived ripple of excitement through the pensioners, who, when they got on the bus did no more than slap their bus pass on the card reader thingy and grunt...'your late' to the bus driver, they then proceeded to make their way up the bus isle moaning to anyone who would listen about the fact that the bus was late and it was disgusting that they had to wait in the cold!
Maybe the bus company should send out a van with blankets and hot soup when they know the service is going to be late!
I felt sorry for the bus driver, I am sure that if he could have got his bus to the bus stop on time he would have done, what did they think the bus driver had been doing? Maybe he nipped into Tesco on route and had breakfast!!
More likely it had something to do with the four sets of road works between here and Bedford and the fact that its first thing in the bloody Morning and the whole country is trying to get to work or drop kids at school, gridlocking the roads.
I am a regular on this bus these days which means I now have what I like to refer to as my bus family, some of them have real names because I know them and some have made up names because its funny!!
Handbag got on at my stop, Handbag cos she is always moaning about the size of her handbag, a few stops down my heart sunk as 'its all about me' got on, a name which speaks for itself really, I think she thinks she is a bit royal, and does this regal wave to all her cronies, a few more stops along and her mate gets on, 'mousey', because she reminds me of a timid quiet mouse, 'Its all about me' is happy to see her pal and proceeds to talk at the top of her voice all about how she has the perfect family, bla bla bla, I actually feel like I am part of that family as I know soooo much about it just from sitting behind her on the bus!!
Mousey, just sits and nods, if she dare try and butt in she is put back into her place!
In the next village we pick up Mr and Mrs, who are a fascinating couple, she is massive, I don't mean over weight, I mean very tall and well built, he is tiny, short, bird like and his clothes are too big for him. He carries all the shopping and stands patiently and quietly while she chats away to all the other pensioners, they always sit together, you never see one without the other and they are always holding hands, provided he hasn't got too much shopping to carry. I would really love to know their story.
In the same village there is a old Italian couple, you can tell she was a beautiful woman when she was younger, she sadly has Alzheimer's and her husband always holds her hand tightly to stop her wandering away, He always has a sad look about him and seems to worry that people might be judging him for holding on to her so tightly, but you can see that the man is devoted to a woman who no longer recognises the world around her, and his face to her is that of familiarity rather than that of her husband, my heart goes out to this man and his wife, known to me as the Italian couple, every time I see them, my troubles are nothing compared to his.
On the return journey an hour later I found myself sitting right in the middle of what I can only describe as a pensioner riot!
So, one old lady had been talking to the shop fitters at a shop that had been empty for sometime, turns out he had told her that the new shop is going to be Ann Summers..........honestly, you have never hear such up roar in all your life.....'why on earth do we need a shop like THAT in our town, its disgusting'......'ohhh yes, filthy, its just going to encourage those perverts'.....'well, I am going to complain I don't want to see toys for adults, we haven't even got a shop selling toys for children'....seriously this is how it went on all the way home, I had the biggest smile on my face and couldn't stop giggling all the way home, you see that generation didn't have sex....ohhhh nooooo the stalk brought the next generation, no need for all that messy stuff!
You cant kid me oldies, we know what you got up to when the lights went out, the radio went off and there was no such thing as telly!!!
Still, it brightened my day, and another reason for not sitting at home thinking about the things you cant do, so if you are feeling a bit low tomorrow, get on a bus, honestly, its mind blowing!!
Although, I cant help wondering if the shop fitter was winding the old woman up, which would serve her right for being bloody nosey!!
Still no more news on the exciting news, but will let you in on it when I can.
Speak Soon xx
Monday 16 January 2017
epiphany
Hello everyone,
I started writing this blog yesterday, but I just couldn't settle into it and it just wouldn't read right, so I gave up, deleted it and went to bed, you know they say everything happens for a reason!
Wellll, I had a bit of a epiphany this morning on the journey to work, as you know I have a taxi to transport me and my packed lunch to and from work, we take the same route every time and as we sped along the A1 I gazed out of the window at the usual land marks I recognise, set back from the motorway are some wind turbines, as usual they were there, only they weren't there!!
I hope I can explain myself properly, these turbines are in a field with nothing behind them but ...well,, sky really....
Thanks Google for the photo, I don't think you are allowed to stop on the motorway to take photos!!
Anyway, obviously, this isn't a photo from today as there was a thick fog over the fields and you couldn't see the turbines at all at the time when we passed them, so why could I see them if you couldn't see them??
EDIT, l removed the last photo as it was water marked and I don't want to get in trouble!
once again I was shocked and impressed at the pin sharp accuracy of my memory but also heart wrenchingly saddened at what had just happened.
The fact that I could see the turbines gives me a false knowledge of what I think I can see, so I KNOW the turbines are there and as we approach the part of the journey where they are, my brain searches for the images I have of them and brings them to the front of my brain, so actually I am seeing something that my brain thinks is there, the fact that today I couldn't see them makes no difference, they will always be there, even if they were pulled down my brain would still pull up the image of them, until, there is something else in that place which can produce a new image.
Equally, and more worryingly, my brain can trick me so easily, what happens if my brain brings a image up that is wrong, I am starting to understand why people with sight impairments trip over so often.
For example, there is a long track that I walk Ralph along it has, or did have, loads of pot holes on, big buggers too, they have been there ages and I have never tripped on them because my first remembered image of them is always there, until they were filled in a few weeks ago, every single bloody time a walk along the track I trip over, is that because my brain still thinks there are pot holes there?
Its all a mystery to me, dam complicated one too, the brain is a wonderful, amazing and terrifyingly uncontrollable at times.
The realisation that this is how my brain and memory works everyday is over whelming, and I now understand why pushing myself out of my comfort zone is so hard, change is exhausting and my brain would need to readjust to unfamiliar surroundings, so, I stay safe and keep to my usual routine? Nooooooo bloody way, I push to step out of the warm comfort zone and step my brain up a gear, this year is about changes, some of which have already been put into place, I am very excited about these changes and will share them with you when I am sure its a good time, I don't want to be counting my chickens before they are hatched so to speak.
The other thing I wanted to share with you is my continued utter incapability of managing to get on a train by myself with out having some sort of hick-up.
A very short journey from Biggleswade to Arlesey takes four minutes. I haven't got a ticket so off I trundle to buy one, the ticket office is now shut due to staff illness.
I stand there for a few minutes debating if I should get a passer by to help me with the ticket machine as I canny see it properly to make it work, OR do I get on the train without a ticket?
The passer by helping me sounds like a plan, but I am making myself vulnerable by letting people know I cant see.
So, I walk slowly to the platform feeling like a criminal, even though I have it on good authority that as a blind person I am ok to get on a train without a ticket for good reason. who decides what good reason is though? One persons idea of good reason might not be another's!
Anyway, I take my place on the platform in between a young man with a bicycle and a middle aged fella with a can of beer, when the train rolls in my heart starts to pound, I am going to get fined!!!
The train stops and the doors open, a lady gets off, by my two platform partners walk up the train to get on a different carriage, I shrug my shoulders and get on through the door that the lady got off of. I knew there was something wrong the moment the doors shut and the train started to move.
Silence, the carriage was completely quiet, immaculately clean, little tables, and little napkin things on the head rests......shit, I'm in first class, there was absolutely nothing to tell me I had got on a first class carriage, well, I suppose there might have been but i didn't see it! Now what the hell do I do? by the time I had realised it was first class we were already one minute into the four minute journey, I dare not sit down, so I stood, wobbling around with the sway of the train between the carriages praying a ticket inspector wasn't on the train, the palms of my hand started to sweat, I could never rob a bank, my nerves just wouldn't take it!!
When I looked around there were notices but nothing big enough for me to read, I had images of them saying that you go to prison if you are found traveling first class without a valid ticket, what the hell would they do to someone who hadn't got a ticket at all?????
Those four minutes felt like four hours, I got off at Arlesey and walked as fast as my legs would carry me to get off the platform, had there been someone in the office there I would have gone in and paid my £1.10p for a ticket which I had clutched in my hand that the journey costs.
I do think its bad that there is no signs clear enough for slight impaired passengers to read if they should find themselves traveling alone, but I also feel that I shouldn't shout too loud about it as I am now a criminal for not buying a train ticket and the bloody thing was on time!
Well, if I am not in prison I hope to be able to share some good news with you next time
Speak soon x
I started writing this blog yesterday, but I just couldn't settle into it and it just wouldn't read right, so I gave up, deleted it and went to bed, you know they say everything happens for a reason!
Wellll, I had a bit of a epiphany this morning on the journey to work, as you know I have a taxi to transport me and my packed lunch to and from work, we take the same route every time and as we sped along the A1 I gazed out of the window at the usual land marks I recognise, set back from the motorway are some wind turbines, as usual they were there, only they weren't there!!
I hope I can explain myself properly, these turbines are in a field with nothing behind them but ...well,, sky really....
Thanks Google for the photo, I don't think you are allowed to stop on the motorway to take photos!!
Anyway, obviously, this isn't a photo from today as there was a thick fog over the fields and you couldn't see the turbines at all at the time when we passed them, so why could I see them if you couldn't see them??
EDIT, l removed the last photo as it was water marked and I don't want to get in trouble!
once again I was shocked and impressed at the pin sharp accuracy of my memory but also heart wrenchingly saddened at what had just happened.
The fact that I could see the turbines gives me a false knowledge of what I think I can see, so I KNOW the turbines are there and as we approach the part of the journey where they are, my brain searches for the images I have of them and brings them to the front of my brain, so actually I am seeing something that my brain thinks is there, the fact that today I couldn't see them makes no difference, they will always be there, even if they were pulled down my brain would still pull up the image of them, until, there is something else in that place which can produce a new image.
Equally, and more worryingly, my brain can trick me so easily, what happens if my brain brings a image up that is wrong, I am starting to understand why people with sight impairments trip over so often.
For example, there is a long track that I walk Ralph along it has, or did have, loads of pot holes on, big buggers too, they have been there ages and I have never tripped on them because my first remembered image of them is always there, until they were filled in a few weeks ago, every single bloody time a walk along the track I trip over, is that because my brain still thinks there are pot holes there?
Its all a mystery to me, dam complicated one too, the brain is a wonderful, amazing and terrifyingly uncontrollable at times.
The realisation that this is how my brain and memory works everyday is over whelming, and I now understand why pushing myself out of my comfort zone is so hard, change is exhausting and my brain would need to readjust to unfamiliar surroundings, so, I stay safe and keep to my usual routine? Nooooooo bloody way, I push to step out of the warm comfort zone and step my brain up a gear, this year is about changes, some of which have already been put into place, I am very excited about these changes and will share them with you when I am sure its a good time, I don't want to be counting my chickens before they are hatched so to speak.
The other thing I wanted to share with you is my continued utter incapability of managing to get on a train by myself with out having some sort of hick-up.
A very short journey from Biggleswade to Arlesey takes four minutes. I haven't got a ticket so off I trundle to buy one, the ticket office is now shut due to staff illness.
I stand there for a few minutes debating if I should get a passer by to help me with the ticket machine as I canny see it properly to make it work, OR do I get on the train without a ticket?
The passer by helping me sounds like a plan, but I am making myself vulnerable by letting people know I cant see.
So, I walk slowly to the platform feeling like a criminal, even though I have it on good authority that as a blind person I am ok to get on a train without a ticket for good reason. who decides what good reason is though? One persons idea of good reason might not be another's!
Anyway, I take my place on the platform in between a young man with a bicycle and a middle aged fella with a can of beer, when the train rolls in my heart starts to pound, I am going to get fined!!!
The train stops and the doors open, a lady gets off, by my two platform partners walk up the train to get on a different carriage, I shrug my shoulders and get on through the door that the lady got off of. I knew there was something wrong the moment the doors shut and the train started to move.
Silence, the carriage was completely quiet, immaculately clean, little tables, and little napkin things on the head rests......shit, I'm in first class, there was absolutely nothing to tell me I had got on a first class carriage, well, I suppose there might have been but i didn't see it! Now what the hell do I do? by the time I had realised it was first class we were already one minute into the four minute journey, I dare not sit down, so I stood, wobbling around with the sway of the train between the carriages praying a ticket inspector wasn't on the train, the palms of my hand started to sweat, I could never rob a bank, my nerves just wouldn't take it!!
When I looked around there were notices but nothing big enough for me to read, I had images of them saying that you go to prison if you are found traveling first class without a valid ticket, what the hell would they do to someone who hadn't got a ticket at all?????
Those four minutes felt like four hours, I got off at Arlesey and walked as fast as my legs would carry me to get off the platform, had there been someone in the office there I would have gone in and paid my £1.10p for a ticket which I had clutched in my hand that the journey costs.
I do think its bad that there is no signs clear enough for slight impaired passengers to read if they should find themselves traveling alone, but I also feel that I shouldn't shout too loud about it as I am now a criminal for not buying a train ticket and the bloody thing was on time!
Well, if I am not in prison I hope to be able to share some good news with you next time
Speak soon x
Sunday 8 January 2017
Resolutions
Hello everyone,
Here we are already starting the second week of January, Christmas is all packed up and returned to the loft, the last of the nuts, biscuits and chocolates have been pushed into packed lunch boxes, given away or thrown in the bin and we are all trying desperately to stick to our news years resolutions.
I often wonder why people make resolutions, a good friend of mine and I used to sit in her kitchen on new years day and make our resolution list over a glass of wine or two, we would literally have pen and paper and make proper lists with at least 10 items on each.
Those were good times, and sadly times change, we used to take our resolutions seriously, they were always achievable, well nearly!!!
In the four years that have passed since I last made resolutions with my friend I haven't really made any, not because I haven't felt I needed to make any but because the memories seemed to precious to change.
I mean, I felt that I couldn't make any because it wouldn't be the same and making them without my friend felt disrespectful. The truth is I think wayyyy to much, memories are just that!! They are memories, they aren't going anywhere, they are tucked away in a beautiful happy place in the back of my mind, always there and never forgotten.
So this year, I have decided maybe I should make some realistic resolutions. I feel the need to make some changes as I think I have become stagnant,
First I would like to look into having a career change, I have worked with special needs children for well over 10 years and have loved every minute of it, I have laughed and cried alongside some truly amazing people, over the years I have learnt from some of the very best, kind, generous and overwhelmingly supportive people who work tirelessly to provide the best outcome for all of the children in their charge, for this insight into a world that lots of people don't see, I am eternally grateful, knowing these children and some of there parents has helped me to understand and respect a way of teaching and learning that mainstream schools don't even touch on. The special children I have had the honour of working with are special, not because they have special needs but special because they touch the hearts of the people who support them every day. They are not naughty children they are children who do not understand the world around them, children who need time, space and routine to function.
As time has trickled along, I know I need to find a stable basis for my future, giving up work and sitting on by butt all day is not a option, as my sight gets worse, I will have to come to terms with the fact that working in this environment will not be safe for me or the children I work with, so with this in mind I intend to explore other opportunities that will enable me to remain active and more importantly, earning a wage, as I got a long way to go before I can retire.
For years seeing Whales in real life was at the top of my list of things to do, but it never happened and now I think its probably too late as I doubt if I would be able to see a whale from a boat, I suppose they could dangle me in as bait and wait for the beautiful amazing creatures to come to me, but knowing my luck a shark would eat me before I got to see them, so going with realism Whales have dropped off my list, but going with the water theme I would like to become a stronger swimmer, I taught myself how to swim a couple of years ago but I am really crap at it, so my aim is to manage my days off better and fit more of the things in that are for meee.
Then I suppose I gotta do the usual crap like loose weight and get fit, I would say I am going to try to be a nicer person, but hey bugger that!!
I want to spend more time in the garden and this summer I want it to look really pretty, in fact spending more time outside generally, I love walking and have been given some maps for different routes around the village, so Ralph and I intend to try those.
Ralph will be so pleased, we took him for on a bus trip to town yesterday.....
Here we are already starting the second week of January, Christmas is all packed up and returned to the loft, the last of the nuts, biscuits and chocolates have been pushed into packed lunch boxes, given away or thrown in the bin and we are all trying desperately to stick to our news years resolutions.
I often wonder why people make resolutions, a good friend of mine and I used to sit in her kitchen on new years day and make our resolution list over a glass of wine or two, we would literally have pen and paper and make proper lists with at least 10 items on each.
Those were good times, and sadly times change, we used to take our resolutions seriously, they were always achievable, well nearly!!!
In the four years that have passed since I last made resolutions with my friend I haven't really made any, not because I haven't felt I needed to make any but because the memories seemed to precious to change.
I mean, I felt that I couldn't make any because it wouldn't be the same and making them without my friend felt disrespectful. The truth is I think wayyyy to much, memories are just that!! They are memories, they aren't going anywhere, they are tucked away in a beautiful happy place in the back of my mind, always there and never forgotten.
So this year, I have decided maybe I should make some realistic resolutions. I feel the need to make some changes as I think I have become stagnant,
First I would like to look into having a career change, I have worked with special needs children for well over 10 years and have loved every minute of it, I have laughed and cried alongside some truly amazing people, over the years I have learnt from some of the very best, kind, generous and overwhelmingly supportive people who work tirelessly to provide the best outcome for all of the children in their charge, for this insight into a world that lots of people don't see, I am eternally grateful, knowing these children and some of there parents has helped me to understand and respect a way of teaching and learning that mainstream schools don't even touch on. The special children I have had the honour of working with are special, not because they have special needs but special because they touch the hearts of the people who support them every day. They are not naughty children they are children who do not understand the world around them, children who need time, space and routine to function.
As time has trickled along, I know I need to find a stable basis for my future, giving up work and sitting on by butt all day is not a option, as my sight gets worse, I will have to come to terms with the fact that working in this environment will not be safe for me or the children I work with, so with this in mind I intend to explore other opportunities that will enable me to remain active and more importantly, earning a wage, as I got a long way to go before I can retire.
For years seeing Whales in real life was at the top of my list of things to do, but it never happened and now I think its probably too late as I doubt if I would be able to see a whale from a boat, I suppose they could dangle me in as bait and wait for the beautiful amazing creatures to come to me, but knowing my luck a shark would eat me before I got to see them, so going with realism Whales have dropped off my list, but going with the water theme I would like to become a stronger swimmer, I taught myself how to swim a couple of years ago but I am really crap at it, so my aim is to manage my days off better and fit more of the things in that are for meee.
Then I suppose I gotta do the usual crap like loose weight and get fit, I would say I am going to try to be a nicer person, but hey bugger that!!
I want to spend more time in the garden and this summer I want it to look really pretty, in fact spending more time outside generally, I love walking and have been given some maps for different routes around the village, so Ralph and I intend to try those.
Ralph will be so pleased, we took him for on a bus trip to town yesterday.....
he loves getting out and about, he will love a new route or two!
Back to resolutions, wouldn't be interesting to know how may people actually stick to the resolutions they make, why they make them, if they really intend on making changes, maybe making resolutions is just a way of helping people transition into the new year, sort of a focus and a new start!
Its important to keep making changes I suppose, for me its hard to step out of my comfort zone but this year I am going to push it, I am finding that it is way to easy to stay home and do familiar things so this year, people, changes are on the way!!
Speak soon and have a good week xx
Monday 2 January 2017
New Years Eve
Hellooooo, as promised, I am back to finish what I started, where was I?....Firstly and most importantly I hope everyone enjoyed NYE, however you deal with the passing of one year and the starting of another, I hope you did what you wanted to do.
So, going back to the whole Tesco and the lady with the cane thing, oh and by the way, I was talking about it to my daughter a couple of days ago, and she said there was also a guide dog with them, I hadn't seen the dog at all! Sometimes I shock myself at the things I miss. Anyway, the point I was trying to make is that there are lots of different ways of achieving what you set out to do, lots of people take for granted that they can just pop into a supermarket and are able to remember what they went in for, others, like me, have to plan the whole procedure, I think about everything I do before I do it and I avoid situations that I know will be challenging for an easy option. I have been taught to follow familiar routines and accompanying that you inevitably encounter certain 'behaviours' from others around you....for example, just suppose its Thursday lunch time and I realise I don't have enough milk to last until Saturday when my delivery comes, If I go to Asda to get milk after work, which is the most familiar supermarket near where I work, it is going to be busy, there will be parents with children just out of school, hungry, moody and tired running around the shop, parents will be starting to become less patient and start moving quicker just to get out of the shop faster, so I avoid after work on Thursday, if I leave it until Friday after school it will be 100% worse as everyone seems to do a big shop on a Friday, so the best bet will be Friday morning at 8am on the way to work, I now there wont be many people about and the people that are about will still behalf asleep, I will be confident in making my way straight to the milk, and can be in and out within literally 10 mins. This is how my whole life pans out now, I assess every move I make, considering a option that is less stressful and is safer for me, this has taken years, not only to perfect but also to come to terms with, it now on longer upsets me that I need a sort of mental backup plan before I go anywhere, so to see this woman dumped in the middle of chaos I found deeply distressing, this is not how you learn to cope with everyday life, this is how you terrify someone so much that they are afraid to go out, they stay home sitting on the sofa and let 'more able' people do their shopping for them, how dare anyone take that privilege away from anyone, I can bet that the woman will avoid Tesco when she is on her own in future, either that or she will adopt a attitude of thinking that your disability goes before anyone else, and that's crap!
Independence is a very valuable thing that can be given up way to easily, I suppose the fact that I am stubborn and bloody minded helps me to support myself, but even then I have to be careful, because if you keep refusing help people stop offering it, so it is a very fine line that each one of us has to find our own balance of and knowing when there is something that we really need help with, and of course asking the right people for support helps too.
New year eve started damp and cold as we would expect here in January, but we had a great time, we arrived at the hotel at 4pm, took our time getting ready, then we walked for a whole 10 mins to the venue, again, I cant tell you how many times I looked at google maps to check the route, and its not like I haven't been to Stevenage a million times, but at night everything looks different. when we got there my heart sank into my boots, there we were all dressed up and the queue in front of us didn't seem to have a single person under 85 years old, all brown trousers and cardigans, i felt my two girls were standing out like sore thumbs, mum and I fitted in okish but I felt awful for the girls.
we were all led into a massive sports hall with a spongy rubber floor, that put me off balance ever so slightly, and a long temporary bar. Not a Christmas tree or decoration in sight. My youngest was really disappointed and asked if we would go back to the hotel, get a Mc Donald's and watch films on the TV, just as I was considering it we were given our free glass of bucks fizz and shown through to another hall....this was more what we had been expecting...
So, going back to the whole Tesco and the lady with the cane thing, oh and by the way, I was talking about it to my daughter a couple of days ago, and she said there was also a guide dog with them, I hadn't seen the dog at all! Sometimes I shock myself at the things I miss. Anyway, the point I was trying to make is that there are lots of different ways of achieving what you set out to do, lots of people take for granted that they can just pop into a supermarket and are able to remember what they went in for, others, like me, have to plan the whole procedure, I think about everything I do before I do it and I avoid situations that I know will be challenging for an easy option. I have been taught to follow familiar routines and accompanying that you inevitably encounter certain 'behaviours' from others around you....for example, just suppose its Thursday lunch time and I realise I don't have enough milk to last until Saturday when my delivery comes, If I go to Asda to get milk after work, which is the most familiar supermarket near where I work, it is going to be busy, there will be parents with children just out of school, hungry, moody and tired running around the shop, parents will be starting to become less patient and start moving quicker just to get out of the shop faster, so I avoid after work on Thursday, if I leave it until Friday after school it will be 100% worse as everyone seems to do a big shop on a Friday, so the best bet will be Friday morning at 8am on the way to work, I now there wont be many people about and the people that are about will still behalf asleep, I will be confident in making my way straight to the milk, and can be in and out within literally 10 mins. This is how my whole life pans out now, I assess every move I make, considering a option that is less stressful and is safer for me, this has taken years, not only to perfect but also to come to terms with, it now on longer upsets me that I need a sort of mental backup plan before I go anywhere, so to see this woman dumped in the middle of chaos I found deeply distressing, this is not how you learn to cope with everyday life, this is how you terrify someone so much that they are afraid to go out, they stay home sitting on the sofa and let 'more able' people do their shopping for them, how dare anyone take that privilege away from anyone, I can bet that the woman will avoid Tesco when she is on her own in future, either that or she will adopt a attitude of thinking that your disability goes before anyone else, and that's crap!
Independence is a very valuable thing that can be given up way to easily, I suppose the fact that I am stubborn and bloody minded helps me to support myself, but even then I have to be careful, because if you keep refusing help people stop offering it, so it is a very fine line that each one of us has to find our own balance of and knowing when there is something that we really need help with, and of course asking the right people for support helps too.
New year eve started damp and cold as we would expect here in January, but we had a great time, we arrived at the hotel at 4pm, took our time getting ready, then we walked for a whole 10 mins to the venue, again, I cant tell you how many times I looked at google maps to check the route, and its not like I haven't been to Stevenage a million times, but at night everything looks different. when we got there my heart sank into my boots, there we were all dressed up and the queue in front of us didn't seem to have a single person under 85 years old, all brown trousers and cardigans, i felt my two girls were standing out like sore thumbs, mum and I fitted in okish but I felt awful for the girls.
we were all led into a massive sports hall with a spongy rubber floor, that put me off balance ever so slightly, and a long temporary bar. Not a Christmas tree or decoration in sight. My youngest was really disappointed and asked if we would go back to the hotel, get a Mc Donald's and watch films on the TV, just as I was considering it we were given our free glass of bucks fizz and shown through to another hall....this was more what we had been expecting...
The hall was like a massive tent, the walls were sparkling with twinkly lights, the stage was lit up with multi coloured lights and the tables looked beautiful. There was also more of a mix of ages which was good to see.
Its not a very good picture, but you get the idea, once I had sat down I wasn't moving so my daughter retrieved my buffet meal and pudding, which I must say was very nice too.
The show was called, 'That'll be the day' and started with music from the 50's going through the 60s and 70s eras, I wasn't sure the girls would like it but was surprised to find them singing along with everyone else!
Despite my expectation of it being a complete disaster it was actually a good night, I truly didn't move from my seat all night, mostly because it was so dark and everyone was moving around and dancing, but also because I didn't need to, I was happy people watching!
we left just after midnight as there was so many people it was a case of wait until last or nip out first, we walked back to the hotel with fireworks still going off, and I didn't feel how I usually feel on NYE, I did make a few resolutions, realistic resolutions that is...listen to more music and laugh more were near the top of my list, and now we are safely transitioned into a new year I hope it will be a happy and healthy one for me and mine, and you and yours
Speak soon xx
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