Saturday 23 February 2019

Nailing it!

This week I was feeling like I needed to sort a few things out. You know what its like when you've been buzzing along keeping busy and all of a sudden you realise that the little list of jobs you have to do has turned into a massive list and you don't know where to start. So, I've been meaning to try and get my mobile phone sorted out, the bloody thing keeps cutting out mid conversation, it constantly says that the temperature outside is -4 and my location is Suffolk! The battery only lasts half a day and the little noises your phone makes when a text comes through no longer works either. OK, so I admit I've dropped it a couple of times, but everyone does that right? 
I chose this particular phone because the screen is nice and big, I can get massive font and its easy to use.
Anyway, off I trundle to the phone shop...why is there always a massive queue in these places? Actually, I know why there is such long queues...because the staff are trained to talk utter rubbish!  When I finally got to the attention of a member of staff I was shown to a trendy grey couch, and my phone lady whose English wasn't so good, sat at a tiny desk on a stool. It felt a lot like when you attend your five year olds parents evening, and you sit on tiny chairs designed for five year old bottoms at a low table, and your knees come over the top of the table, but the teacher is sat on HER adult chair looking down at you as she explains your child's progress
To be frank, I had no bloody idea what the phone lady was banging on about....you are not due a up-grade until June, BUT if you pay £150 today we can up-grade your phone for you.....WHAT??? I'm sorry...the £150 is for what exactly? …..this is ok, you do not have to up-grade today, you can do it another day....NO!! Really??…...but for now today I will do a system up-date and you phone will be working as new.....Now I'm really confused, if you can do a system thingy and my phone will be working as new, WHY would I pay £150 for a new phone.
 And so, for forty-five minutes the phone lady, scrolls, flicks and swipes, as far as I could tell, she did bugger all. 
Then with a sigh she says ...if you had a up-grade your phone would be newer and it would work better....ARE you bloody serious? Do you actually work here or did you just wander in off of the streets and sit you backside down on a stool!
She pushes my phone back across the table towards me and says...is there anything else I can help you with, took me a couple of deep breathes to maintain my composure, then I asked if she could cancel my insurance on the phone as I now have a new insurance policy attached to my bank account which covers all the mobile phones in my house..ohhhh yes of course, she then picks up my phone, turns her back slightly toward me and dials whatever number she needed to cancel my insurance, she had a nice long chat on my phone to the person on the other end of the phone, then all of a sudden she turns to me, passes me my phone and says...they want to talk to you!.....NO S**T I then spend another ten minutes trying to convince the person on the other end of the phone that I was indeed fully aware of the risks of cancelling the insurance, but I wasn't really bothered as at the moment I am paying TWO bloody insurance policies for one phone, so YES CANCEL IT!!
Finally we seemed to be singing from the same hymn sheet and she cancelled the policy.
I end the phone call and go to get up when the phone lady says....wait one moment, now that you have saved money by cancelling your insurance, maybe you would like to add a tablet to your phone for £11.99 a month on top of what you already pay and then we can up-grade your phone......I just looked at her in silence for a couple of seconds, not really trusting myself to speak, I got up and slowly gathered my belongings, smiled kindly at her and with all my strength said...No thank you, but thanks for all your help today, hope you have a lovely weekend.....my brain was screaming loads of other replies but there was a little girl sitting on the couch beside me with her Dad and I didn't think it would be fair. 
Outside, the sun was shining and I realised I had forgotten my sunglasses again, so I found a really shady spot, sat on a bench and, I wont lie, I was quite excited to see if this up-date thingy had worked...and that's all, considering my phone was saying it was -4 outside, the sun was really warm and everyone was walking around in t-shirts, the thingy had made no difference to my phone at all, in fact I would say its worse as now it wont stay connected to the internet and keeps switching the camera on while I am trying to text. As soon as my contract is up, I'm off to find a new deal and it wont be with the lady I spent all afternoon with.
Next I tackled Specsavers, I buy my contact lens solution from there, but because I use peroxide solution, they just don't seem to be able to sell it without giving a lecture on how to use it correctly, they also don't like selling it if you are not one of there customer and every time I go to buy it its like being a contestant on mastermind, yes I know how to use it, yes I understand the risks, yes I know how to store it correctly. HOWEVER, as I pushed my way through the door and mentally prepared myself to keep claim through the third degree of contact lens purchasing, the woman behind the till recognised me, and when I asked for the solution, she said, I don't need to ask you if you know how to use this stuff do I?....NO my lovely, you do not, I've been using it for the best part of thirty years.....the woman's colleague raised her eye brows at her and gave her a look which said...you aren't supposed to sell that stuff with out grilling the customer first....and to my astonishment, she turned to her colleague and said, this lady has worn contact lenses nearly all her life and has used this sort of solution for nearly as long, I suspect she could tell us more about it than we can tell her!! BOOOOOMMMM I don't like other people speaking for me but this lady just nailed it. I said thank you in a humbled tone, paid for my solution and left with my head held high, the business with the phone was forgotten, so I nipped across the road to buy chocolate to celebrate, and ate it while waiting for my taxi to arrive to deliver me home!
Two jobs marked off of the list, well six actually as I've done the things the lady from the bank told me to do! The list is slowly getting smaller, but the jobs are bigger, they are the horrible ones, the garden needs sorting, and my kitchen cupboards needs cleaning, but hey, tomorrow is another day!
I'm off to my bed, so speak soon...ohhhh, and before I forget, for anyone who didn't see Pink on the Brits the other night....go find it on YouTube, that woman is amazing xx


Wednesday 20 February 2019

Restoring confidence

Evening all! Yesterday afternoon I was sitting with my feet up (HAHA...if only) when my mobile phone starts to ring, my mobile NEVER rings, no one ever rings my mobile so I was a bit flustered and just stood looking at the screen which said..private number. Thinking it would probably be someone telling me that I had recently been involved in a accident or trying to tell me I needed to apply for PPI before I missed the fast approaching last date to claim. So, I snatched up the phone and answered with an abrupt YES, HELLO, only to here the gentle kind voice of my doctor! 
I was totally confused for a moment, but she was just checking I was OK as she hadn't seen me in a while!!! She wanted to know how I was getting on with work and how I was feeling about taking early retirement on the grounds of ill health. Who knew that my Doctor knew so much about my situation, and so I had to explain that I had decided that I wouldn't be claiming my pension and had actually walked straight into a new job despite feeling that I would never be any use to anyone ever again and totally drained of any confidence and self esteem. She listened as I chatted about how I was feeling so much better and confident that I had made the right choices. She was so happy with me, I felt a little like a child who had finished her reading book before the rest of the class and the teacher was saying how marvellous I was, in fact, my Doctor was saying how proud of me she was, she has seen first hand how low I was and was worried how I was coping, she called me an inspiration and instructed me to make an appointment if I needed anything, she then made me promise to take it easy and to look after myself. 
Sometimes, its so easy to be 'in the moment' and forget what you've been through, which isn't a bad thing but I believe its important to acknowledge the bad times because it makes you respect and enjoy the good times so much more. When you can see what you have come through it gives you the strength to carry on and make so much more of what you have. 
How kind was that though? To know someone was thinking of me, and a someone who has hundreds of people to think about, I am so lucky to have such nice people around me and am humbled to think I was at the front of someone's thoughts.
It certainly set me up for today, I felt so full of confidence in myself and I think I've had a good day for it.
The sunshine is helping to lift my spirits too, its getting lighter in the mornings and staying lighter in the evening, its so nice to get out with Ralph at 7am and not have to worry about it being too dark. The only down side of the sun this time of year is it tends to give me nasty head aches, I think I get used to dull days. I don't know if you've ever noticed when you are being driven in a car, when the sun shines through the trees, as the car moves along you kind of get flashing, my sight doesn't cope well with that 'flashing', it makes me tired quickly and (even though I told my Doctor that I haven't had a head ache for months) it gives me a bitch of a head ache, you know one of those ones where you feel like if you throw up it might take the pressure off and release some of the pain in your temples. I normally go to bed and sleep it off, but I now have some little magic pills which the Doctor gave me ages ago when I was struggling, these are magical little yellow pills and after about an hour I was feeling much better and was able to lean forward without thinking I was going to pass out. It seems it might be time to bring out the old sunglasses again and I will have to use my cane again when I'm out on my own I love the sun but its proper blinding! 
Well, folks, The Brit awards is on the telly  and Pink must be about to come on so I'm going to sign off quick and speak soon xx
  


Friday 15 February 2019

No quick fix

I never get tired of looking, thinking and predicting, pre sight loss these were things I took for granted, now I respect what I have every minute of the day, especially as no-one knows when things will change. So, this morning when I went to take Ralph out for his walk it was cold and very frosty. We...Well, I tried to, walk slower because the paths were slippery and as I turn the corner, between the houses, I could see the sun rising over the fields. It was one of those moments where I find myself just standing there, mouth hanging open and Ralph strangling himself on the lead as he desperately tries to get near enough to someone's gate to cock his leg and have a pee. I wonder how many of you scraped the windows of your car, jumped in and sped off without noticing how beautiful the morning was. The fields were white with frost but a low fog had appeared over them. The sun was burning orange above the mist and the sky was, blue, purple and pink. You know that warm, contented happy feeling you get in your tummy when you've just experienced something special. This is the feeling I had while standing in the middle of the pavement, half strangling my desperate for a wee dog, my feet were rooted to the ground as I gazed at the sun and marvelled at how beautiful nature is, but most importantly how lucky I am to have seen it. 
Loosing sight has definitely made me much more conscious of taking notice of the things going on around me. I appreciate colour, I even found myself standing looking at the mango's at work today and wondered if I said out loud what lovely colours they were, people would think I was going mad, but they were going that lovely red colour they go when they are perfect. I love the fruit and veg isle, because of the smells and colours, no where else in a shop will you get both those things together the bakery smells of bread, but is mostly brown. But as I walk down a fruit and veg isle, I can smell, onions, tomatoes, bananas, strawberries, herbs and what I love most of all, is this is how I will know to recognise fruit and veg in the future, by its smell (and how it feels I suppose). I've have been one of the lucky ones who has had the opportunity to match each product through sight and smell, so I know a banana is a banana if you know what I mean, if you've never been able so see a banana before, how do you know what a banana looks like! ….now I have a image in my head of me in the future walking round a supermarket sniffing and fondling Bananas!!
This morning a man stopped me and said..ohhh, what's that smell?? I was caught in between saying, sorry mate, you've asked the wrong person, cos I can smell 50 different smells that you haven even noticed right now...or saying...nope cant smell a thing! So I said, is it a horrible or a nice smell? hoping to narrow it down a bit, but he says dunno love... Betcha the man just passed wind and was trying to cover his tracks!!
Anyway, all that wasn't even what I wanted to talk to you about, yesterday was one of those days when I did a lot of thinking. I sat in the bank waiting for my meeting I had there, I sat in a comfy blue chair and listened to the activities going on around me, most of all I noticed how intolerant we are of others and how some people think its ok to 'av a go at the bloke behind the desk cos he wanted to see my id before I took £3,500 outta my account, I told im, its my effin account you give me my money....as this bloke finished declaring his utter disgust with the way his request had been handled with the rest of the customers and staff, he left. Two seconds later the guy who had been dealing with the request, scurries past and I overhear him say to a colleague, 'god, I need a quick break, that was awful, I totally understand that guys situation but he just wouldn't listen and I couldn't get him to understand that the rules have changed'..I sat there thinking I wanted to run after the bloke and his pocket full of money and drag him back to the bank to apologise for acting like a spoilt child, but then I checked my phone for the time and became instantly irritated when I realised my appointment was already 10 minutes late, THEN I felt ashamed of myself as I realised I was more like idiot with the pocket full of money than calm man behind the desk. When did we forget that we are all human? When did we decided that shouting and making a scene is acceptable? So when my money adviser lady came out to find me and was so sorry for being late, I told her it didn't matter and actually the meeting was more like catching up with an old friend rather than discussing the fact that my bank account seems to have acquired a hole and all my money keeps falling out of it!!
Surely its got to be a whole lot less effort to be nice than cranky hasn't it? 
I'm sure most people reach a point in their lives when they realise that they aren't immortal, and for some that probably comes too late, but we are all in this together, it doesn't matter who we are the end result will be the same, so lets try and make the ride a bit more pleasant. 
We all need to be kinder to ourselves too, our mental health is so incredibly delicate, its scary to know that you can be unaware that you have become unhappy and it is far to easy to sink into something that quickly becomes a comfort. There isn't a quick fix, and for me the only thing that was going to 'heal' me was time, understanding, love from my friends and family, and acceptance. This acceptance, for me has been the toughest thing, accepting this is what has happened to me and accepting that things will never be the same as they were, HOWEVER, I have also learnt to accept my disability and even enjoy the changes and challenges it brings. You guys all know it hasn't been a easy ride, you've all read those worst days, and I don't doubt there will be bad days ahead, but at least I'll be ready for them this time.
Its a different way of life not a end to life, and I think its important to remember that we cannot control the future  and we cant change the past, so we need to live in the moment, and make sure we take time to look around us and learn to treasure every moment.
Now I am tired from spouting all my delightful wisdom, so I am off to bed with my hairy little friend pretzeled at the foot of my bed, take care and speak soon xx

Saturday 9 February 2019

The only way is forward

How on earth is it possible that the last blog I wrote was on the 19th Jan, and today is suddenly 9th Feb?? It doesn't seem to matter how often I tell myself I am going to write weekly, I just cant seem to fit it in! This makes me sound like I have such a busy schedule and I really haven't, my new routine is proving much easier to cope with than I thought. I know its only for four hours a day, but it has been many months since I have had such a commitment, and many you know how hard it was for me to even get out of bed and get dressed this time last year! I am now looking forward to getting up each morning, walking Ralph and making sure I do a couple of household jobs before I leave. It helps a lot that I wear a uniform, its not the most attractive uniform in the world, but its comfortable and I'm kind of proud of it! Being in the kind of environment where my employer and team see 'me' before my sight loss is the best feeling ever, and I don't have that shameful feeling when I have to ask for help. This whole process has taught me that some people think that loosing your sight means that you lose both your intelligence and your emotions, I feel people really believe that you wont be emotionally crushed by the things they say about and to you, I feel like they believe that you loose your ability to function as a trust worthy, regular human and suddenly you stop being the person that is relied upon to support and hold the day together and you become the person who is watched, judged and risk assessed.
What I am experiencing now is a whole different thing, I'm certainly not saying that its all smooth sailing, after all I am learning a role which I know absolutely nothing about, and for a sight impaired person this isn't a easy thing to do, we crave familiarity, and constantly use our learnt routines to prompt us through the day, removing this completely disrupts our bodies, I say this because the first two weeks I was totally exhausted, and spent every afternoon 'resting' I also developed this throbbing in my bad eye, which wasn't really painful, just bloody annoying, I was avoiding mentioning this to the family as they were already keeping a watch on 'how I was managing' and as the two weeks turned into three, the throbbing stopped and I started doing things when I got home from work, mostly walking Ralph, by week four I was coming home and doing housework as well as walking Ralph, and still have enough concentration to watch a episode of Vera before falling asleep at bedtime instead of mid-afternoon. Going out at weekends has become a bit of a struggle, and I am finding I don't want to go into town or go to the shops, and I certainly notice the anxiety and stress levels rise at the thought of having to go out. This is something I intend to work on, however, with the weather being so errr, wintery, even Ralph would rather be cuddled up on the sofa than stomping over soggy muddy fields. I will be kind to myself and wait for the weather to cheer up...which reminds me.....I have daffodils growing in the garden, and they bring a little flash of warmth to my little heart to know spring is on the way! 
Anyway, as you might expect due to misunderstandings and communication issues the transition from one employer to the next wasn't the best experience ever, but its done and there's no where else to go but forward, everyone that knew me before, say I look different, more relaxed and less worried and that is simply because I am in such a better emotional place.
I am waiting for a badge to wear to let people know I have a visual impairment, although after this week I have found that I am more relaxed, I am finding that by talking aloud helps me calm down and stops me rushing through the process in order to move customers on, I have discovered that customers would rather you were a little slower and got it right that try to rush and get it wrong. 
I am, along with many other people, living proof of when life knocks you off your feet, it is possible to get back up, not only is it possible to get yourself up, its possible to make your way of life better, believing in yourself isn't something that arrives by the post in a handy envelope marked 'self confidence' believing in yourself is a long hard slog, and there will always be days when you mess up or those days when you spend all day in your pj's and you need those days to make you stronger. I am stronger and more bad-ass than I've ever been, you cant stop what life throws at you but you help the way you cope and deal with things. Time to start making new plans, and I start by saying I certainly will NOT promise to write a blog every week....always conscious of setting achievable goals right!? 😁 Speak soon...ish xx