Day Tripping

I wanted to share our trip into London with you all, yesterday my girls and I went with my best chum, her hubby and their two children. We went in on the 2.20pm something train, as I cannot operate those dam machines that you get your tickets from, and of course I simply cannot ask for help, I went and brought my tickets in the morning from the booth, so the day started relaxed and calm. We even got seats on the train! I didn't take my stick as, as I have said before, it makes me vulnerable and also at this time of year London is rammed with people and I'm not sure how many ankles I would be hitting! So, my very beautiful daughter linked arms with me barrelling through the crowds of people.
We were one of the last to get off the train at Kings Cross, so the pace was leisurely, I had remembered where I had put the tickets and everything!
We took the tube to Marble arch, we were still a bit early for the Christmas lights so walked along to Selfridges and had a peek in their windows, my mates hubby and their son went in while we ran across the road to the café in Marks and Spencer, this again was very relaxed and not once did I feel pressured or anxious. When we came out from our coffee and cake it had started to get dark and some of the Christmas lights had come on, so we walked along Oxford street, casually popping into a few shops as we went, the lights were beautiful, these are the sorts of memories I want to fill my life with, things that I can think back on and remember in the future.
After a while we walked back to Wagamamas for tea, perfect timing, not to many people, no queue AND GUESS WHAT...THEY HAD A MAGNIFIER, we asked for a large print menu and was given a lovely full page magnifier!! It was fab, however it didn't stop me ordering the hottest dish on the menu and sadly I couldn't eat it, on the plus side we had managed to order too many of another dish so we just swapped food around! SO, a very big thumbs up and THANKYOU  to Wagamumas :)
After tea, we made our way to Carnarby street, I strongly recommend a trip to Carnaby at Christmas, totally spectacular. Again there were loads of people about, but I suppose because we weren't there to actually buy anything, it was lovely to stroll around, we ended up in the Dr Martens shop (twice) and the Levis shop....disadvantages of having trendy daughters....but didn't spend a penny!!! We nipped into a magnificent shop called Irregular Choice, holy crap, check the shoes out in that shop, they are amazyballs! Somehow we managed to walk down a street with shops that looked like you needed invitations in order to enter them, so we giggled a lot and rubbed our noses on the windows!
By the time we had reached Liberty we were all starting to get tired, so we walked back to the tube and made our way home. Not one single moment of panic or stress, I thank you Mr and Mrs Clark and the children for a fantastic day out in London xx

Friends!

This blog I have started many many times, I have found it so hard to write without worrying that I might offend someone. I don't really know where to start, I used to have a large group of friends, until my partner of 20 odd years and I split up,  as in any relationship break down, friends inevitably take a side, and I don't blame anyone for this, its just how things happen, and people naturally go in and out of your life, its about making the effort to stay in touch that makes real friends work. Since I have been 'registered blind' I have lost friends, partly due to my inability to let people help me or explain to people why I needed long periods of time where I don't want to talk to anyone. I have learnt many valuable lessons, and have had people who I haven't spoken to in years, pop across the road to ask me how I am doing, and then there are others who I regarded as friends, who now would rush past me with their heads down.
For me, a friend is someone I have to trust, trust that they will tell me where the kerb is, or go with me to the toilet so I don't end up walking into the kitchen by mistake when we are in a café. Trust that when I am having a very bad day, they wont look down at me . This may seem a bit selfish, but I come as a slightly broken package, I like to think I am a good friend, and I know I have some very important people in my life who I would regard more as family than friends. I feel that the last few years have been a awful muddle, and while I have been wrapped up in my own world I have missed much of my friends lives and a couple of these couldn't wait around for me to get my head straight, although I dare say that if I managed to overcome my pig headed awkwardness I could manage to regain their friendship, but how can you forgive people when they aren't there when you most need help? What I am trying to say is that, things happen, you cant change them, you have to pull yourself together and deal with it, I feel that I have pushed some people away with my attitude but its the way I cope. This blog is more for the people who know or work with me, if I am quiet, seem withdrawn or get a bit snappy, mostly its because I am having a difficult day.
I can understand now why Bedfordshire sight concern were so adamant that I maintain my independence and a social life, it would be all to easy to stay home, feel safe and never talk to anyone, but what good would that do for my mental health? I want to thank those people who have stood by me all the way through my sight problems, trips to the hospital, moody days, those people who listened to me through my relationship break up and didn't take sides, also thank you for the fun times, the days when I know you are watching  out for me and trying not to let me notice, it makes my heart feel full.

Guide Dogs

Hello everyone, I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and a very Happy and Healthy New Year to you all.
Sunday 27th Dec, its a dark and wet day, one daughter is at work, the other is playing on her tablet, the other half has gone home to do stuff, and I can feel my mood changing....I have already eaten my own weight in chocolate this morning! So if I don't do something I shall be feeling proper fed up by tea time, I can see how people can easily get down in the dumps this time of year, I want to walk the dog, but as he is such a tiny little fella, he would get soaked and grumpy, best leave him curled up like a little pretzel under the radiator!
This got me thinking about dogs, a couple of years ago the idea of getting a Guide Dog was suggested to me, my girls were a few years younger then, and the idea of getting a dog was just amazing for them, but this actually put me off. A Guide dog is a working dog, he or she would be a 'tool' for me, not a family pet.
But, I was talked into having a lady from Guide dogs for the blind association come to my house to talk about the pros and cons....well, I never realised all the hard work, trust and a very long winded process there was with getting a Guide Dog. The lady was very nice and had a massive happy personality, she arrived at 12 lunch time and didn't go home until 6 tea time!
Firstly you are matched to a dog, not the other way around, someone would come from the association and spend a lot of time getting to know me and my family, once they had found a match, then I would have to go away for three weeks training on how to operate this finely tuned animal, then there would be more training at home for my family. I remember sitting there listening to this lady telling me what a massive difference this would make to my life, and all I could think about was 'What if I broke it???' You have to be incredibly strict in the way you present yourself to a Guide Dog, when they have their jacket on or their lead, they are working, you have to stick to a routine that the dog knows, no one else can take the dog when we are out, so if I was walking with one of my daughters, and they wanted to take the lead but link arms with me, that would upset the dog, i'm not saying the when the dog is not working, you cant love it like a pet, but you cant play rough, no rolling around the carpet with it, or dressing it up, or playing tug of war with a rope, my children, especially my youngest would have found this very hard not to do, it IS possible to 'break' a guide dog, to trash the dogs and the trainers hard work, hours and hours of work go into training a Guide dog, and that dog is a massively intellectual animal. I also felt, at the time, that I wasn't ready for that stage, I felt like if I was given a Guide dog I was giving in, getting a little bit closer to being the person I refuse to be, I didn't want to accept that at some point I would need a Guide Dog, and it was truly one of my, stick my head in the sand and ignore everyone moments...it will go away! But it didn't go away, everyone was on my case, when will WE get a Guide dog Mum, despite all the advantages, and believe me there were masses of them, a Guide dog would improve my mobility and do wonders for my confidence, but what about my girls, I would be constantly moaning at them to leave the dog alone, and then there was work,  the dog would have to come to work with me, which meant providing somewhere to go to the loo and having somewhere safe for the dog to be while I was in the classroom, as there was no way a dog would survive in our classroom.
So, I was left to mull it over for a few days and then the lady would contact me and we would get the ball rolling, I didn't sleep for two nights worrying about making the right decision. I remember laying in my bed thinking about all the other people waiting on the list for a Guide dog, and I would be accepting something that I felt I wasn't ready for.....also, the fact that I was thinking about it, in my eyes, meant that it would be wrong for me to go ahead, I have always been good at making decisions and usually don't have to think twice, its wrong or its right and that's that! but this time it just wasn't sitting right with me, so when the call came I turned down the offer but I am on a list where if I make the call, I will be given priority for training etc.
As the time has trickled on, and my loss of sight becomes more 'real' I can understand the need to have the security of a Guide dog, earlier this year, I brought my girls a puppy, they love him, play with him, dress him up chase him (and he chases back) and stick to a vague routine...all the things we should avoid with a Guide dog. In the back of my mind, I know when the time comes I will feel happier about it, I have set things up so that we have Ralph and the girls are older, they understand the difference between Ralph and a Guide dog.
On Christmas eve I went to Hitchin with my daughter, we went into Waitrose at 8.30 in the morning, and it was heaving with crazy people doing their Christmas food shop, we only wanted cheese and grapes, I took my stick, but all the people moving about so quickly made my balance off, I could only use the stick half open, so I couldn't roll it one the floor as there were so many people, IF I had had a Guide dog, I really think it would have been a completely different experience, a dog is more visual for others and my daughter would have been more relaxed instead of worrying I was going to have a panic attack or someone was going to run me over with their trolley! I also would have been happier, relaxed and confident that people would have given me a little more time, even at the checkout people are huffing and puffing because I need to be a little slower than they would like..... perhaps, maybe, possibly its time to look into the possibility of a Guide Dog....maybe...

My Bike!

Right, I am going to take you back a bit now, as I have never been able to drive, my sight has never been good enough to pass the sight test, I used to cycle everywhere. I loved it, just me and my tunes, enjoying a bit of me time. I was working full time and cycled  6 or so miles to work in the morning and the same at the end of the day, on a good day it used to take me 15 mins, I cant tell you how very much I miss it, when I had to sell my bike I cried and cried, all that I had been through the one thing that broke my heart was selling my bike, it was the end of my independence, the end of those valuable 15 minutes from work to home where I would think about the day and get it all straight in my head, working in a special needs school, with pupils with profound learning and behavioural difficulties, some days I would need time to think about some of the situations that had occurred and wonder if I could have or do it differently, sometimes I would think of nothing at all, and just enjoy being free and outside.  (Mum says I was always one for being outside, when I was very small she would find me standing at the back door with nothing on except my nappy hanging around my knees and my wellies on the wrong feet, demanding she opened the door so I could go and play in the garden!!) I would cycle what ever the weather, no fair weather cycling for me, one January when we returned to school after the Christmas holidays, it was a really frosty morning, the fields and everywhere was white, the path twinkled like glitter and I marvelled how lucky I was to see such a beautiful scene, I remember the journey taking a little longer than usual, because I was so busy taking in the beauty, when I arrived at school, my eyelashes had frozen and the first person to greet me at the door said....bloody hell, Lynda its -6 out there!.....I wasn't cold, I felt that I had just experienced something a lot of people don't get time to stop and see. Some weekends, a very good friend and I used to cycle around the villages, visiting pubs and eating from the pudding menu...good times.  As the time wore on, I began to have crashes...some my fault, others weren't. I remember two distinctly, the first one was while I was cycling along a country path, I hit a tree root and landed upside down my body wedged in a fence and hitting my head hard on the ground, a passer by helped me, telling me I needed to go to the hospital, but I got back on and cycled on to school, by the time I got there I was in no fit state to work, so my bike got locked up and my friend drove me home where I slept off the sick feeling although I had a head ache for days after and my body felt like it had been hit by a lorry, the second time, some stupid woman opened her car door on to me knocking me off my bike and sent me sprawling into the middle of the rode in front of a bus, she stepped over me saying she couldn't stop because she had a doctors appointment, the road was blocked off and I had my own ambulance with flashing lights and everything! I had hit my head again, and damaged my shoulder which meant I couldn't work for 6 months! The police never traced the woman, so I put it in a little box in the back of my head and keep the lid on it or it will make me sour!
After that things weren't the same, I got slower and found I was having more and more near misses with those other big chunks of metal I was sharing the road with, before I knew it I was getting careless and had even started trying to cycle with my eyes closed to see how far I could get. So, it was decided that my bike would go, not only did I miss everything about my cycle rides but I missed the people I would meet along the way, the same bloke in his silver merc that I would pass at the traffic lights each day who would smile and wave, the lady at the bus stop who I would always exchange a good morning with, I think probably, it was back then that I started to feel like I was loosing control of myself, my independence, I missed it so much. So, my ex took me to buy a Tandem, but it just wasn't the same, sitting behind someone looking at their back while they bellow orders at you, or try to have a conversation with you when all you crave is silence and the ability to take in my surroundings at my own pace. I think I/we used it 5 times over 3 years, I sold it earlier this year. I was thinking maybe about buying another bike, you know maybe a BMX, so I am near the ground, but I would need a big open space, and then maybe it just wouldn't be the same, and it might make me feel worse, so I suppose I should just put the idea to bed and keep the memories alive in my head x
 

Shopping 2

So, back to the shopping thing! There's no way of doing it easily that's for sure, if I go to the Supermarket, we have the issues similar to the last shopping blog, added to that supermarkets have this nasty habit of moving stuff, or plonking those wooden advertising boards on the end of an isle, AND what about those strips they have started putting on the floor of a isle, you know what I mean? Asda in Biggleswade have one along their 'seasonal isle', so not only am I trying to find what I want on the shelves, trying to be aware of and not to bump into other people and small children but I have to watch the floor, its so strange, my eyes are drawn to the colours and I find it really hard to walk on, the one I mean has bright colours on and small children tend to sit on it and then they sort of blend in....I know this because small children scream very loudly when you run them over with the trolley!!!
Then there's sell by dates which are tiny and some labels on things are so small that I just assume it must be really bad for you, and chuck it in the trolley anyway. I recon if I let it, this shopping thing could turn me into a really bitter thinking person, which is why I need a strategy, think out the route and visualise it before going, make a list (or lots of lists in my case), chose a sensible time to go, a few years ago I did my Christmas food shop with my sister in Baldock 24Hr Tesco at 1am, I thought this was a fab idea....except they dim the lights and there's all these dolly trolleys cluttering up the isles while they re stock the shelves, so I have found 8am is about the best time for me. Don't rush or be rushed, I make stupid mistakes when I am rushed. When my girls and I were visiting our friends in Woodbridge, Suffolk, we went to their local Tesco, my friend introduced me to this thing, where you take a trolley, some shopping bags and get one of these hand held bleeper things and zap your shopping as you go around, then at the end, you attach your bleeper thing to the checkout whatsit, pay for your shopping and, hey presto! so I gave it a go, I was really enjoying the zapping of my items until I realised that the little screen on the bleeper thing was too small for me to see, apparently it tells you how much you have spent and all sorts of technical things, I had a little moan to my mate about the screen being too small, next thing she's off, you must understand, my friend is bossy and short and when she is pissed off she pushes out her chest, shoulders back and marches....everyone usually runs for cover, but this little lad looking like he was fresh out of school took the brunt of my friend,  I hear her firmly saying....are YOU telling me this little machine can tell you what you are having for dinner, but it cant be made to show large print????? and where is you suggestion box??? Off she marches to the car still wagging her finger leaving this lad with his bottom jaw resting on his desk. Within two weeks, TESCO WOODBRIDGE, had their little hand held zappy thingys in LARGE PRINT, well done bestie and well done Tesco.
The other option is to have home delivery, this idea has definitely got better with age, I have a large screen laptop and can zoom in nicely. They delivery slots have been reduced from 3 hours to 1, and nine times out of ten my shopping is delivered within that hour, Tesco and Sainsbury are very good at making sure there aren't many subs, Asda are rubbish, half my shopping usually has substitutions. Tesco are the worst for sending food that is near its sell by date and sadly I have received food that is only good for the bin, BUT it means I do not have to do the super market thing, so I have to grin and bear it......except I have forgotten to book my Christmas delivery and there are no slots left, so what do I do, 1am or 8am??

Christmas Do!!!

Hello folks, I truly don't know where the time is going, it doesn't seem often that I get a minute to sit down at this time of year let alone write a blog!
Last Friday I went for a drink after school with some of my work colleagues, originally it was planned that we would be going for a meal in a restaurant in Biggleswade, the thought of going somewhere I haven't been before fills me full of panic and dread, I knew that this particular venue is on the second floor of a building in the town, I really cant tell you all the problems that come with doing something like this, first and most important there's trust....and I'm certainly not saying I don't trust the people I work with, because in my work setting trust is paramount, but out of work, many of my work colleagues don't know that I am registered blind, also I do not expect others to look out for me, I hate feeling like I need help, on the other hand if someone doesn't tell me there is a step coming, or where the toilets are, I know I will end up flat on my face or in the broom cupboard! If I take my white stick out with me I risk the whole sympathy and a million questions thing, which really get on my nerves, I also have a serious problem when there are lots of people moving at the same time, I just cant move with them and it makes me dizzy, as I don't see peoples faces unless they are up close this can also cause a bit of a problem!
This venue, I had heard, is poorly lit, as most pubs are, so again I risk tripping over a chair leg, knocking drinks over or bumping into people, then I gotta try and read the flipping menu, not a chance! I carry a small magnifier in my handbag but in a busy poorly lit pub its as much use as a chocolate fire guard! If there is one thing I would like to see in restaurants its large print menus, I have started, If I know I am going to a specific place, looking up the place online, reading their menu, choosing what I fancy to eat, jotting it down and giving it to whoever I am going out with to order for me...this kinda backfires if the meal I want isn't available! so it would be lovely to have a large print menu, they wouldn't need loads, it really cant be that difficult! So, where was I, oh yes, then I have to eat, in the semi dark in front of people who I don't usually eat in front of, so I will have had to have chosen 'safe' foods! THEN what about if they all want do go to a different pub after the meal...more panic...what if I get separated from the person I have latched myself onto, what happens if the pub we go into has changed since the last time I was in there and things are in a different place, what if its busy....WHAT if there is someone I know in the pub and I ignore them because I am sooo busy concentrating on pretending I know what I am doing, what happens if someone is horrible to me, what if there's flashing lights or very loud music,  what if I have a panic attack, what if I tread in dog poo on the way do the other pub, what happens if I go to the loo and my latched onto person has MOVED!! Can you see all the things I, and people like me, have to think about when someone says, Do you wana go on the Christmas do? No longer can I shove £20 in my coat pocket and clear off to the pub for a couple of after school drinks with my pals without thinking twice. I even have to place money in certain parts of my purse so I know what coins they are without bringing them up to my nose to inspect them so I can work out that my 20p is actually a 50p, I suppose by organising myself as well as I do I portray a false image of what my life is really like, but for me, its about pride, I will not put myself in a position where I could possibly make myself look, well, look blind I suppose, then I read this back and wonder if I really have accepted the way things are or am I just trying to cover my tracks all the time!
Anyway, can you imagine my delight when the Christmas do is cancelled, and the teacher from the classroom opposite ours (who is a lovely lady) suggests that we all go to the pub near the school, straight from school, them people can do whatever they like, some might go home and meet up later, some might stay the whole evening. I am feeling a warm happy glow, I know where every step, bump in the carpet and where every chair will be in this pub, as I am going straight from school, I know it wont be too busy at 3.45, so I will be able to get a seat and sip my diet coke. I stayed for an hour, and enjoyed every minute, I know its hard for some people to understand my little triumphs, I don't know if this makes sense, but I like to be included as I was and not how I am now, I ever want anyone to tip toe around me it is what it is, there would have been no way I would have been happy at the first venue and I certainly would never have expected it to be changed on my behalf, but the fact that it did change gives me a little sparkle because its the difference between achievement and failure, and I much prefer to achieve. SO, THANK YOU lady from the other classroom x

Shopping (1)

I've never really been into Shopping, all those people driving children's  buggies into the back of your legs or smacking you with their shopping bags, me, I would much rather sit with a coke and a big slice of cake and people watch, of course that has changed as the years have passed and I cant see people's faces unless they are up close, so now I sit there matching peoples body shapes with that of the people I know, and I am always astonished when those two images match and it is someone I know!
This time of year, shopping turns from something that I'm not keen on to something I really hate! During the year I mastered shopping on my own, with out my stick, not going far, but a 20 minute trip on the bus, several shopping lists stashed around my bag, pockets and purse, taking it slow and steady, 20 minutes back on the bus, and I was bursting with pride, this time of year I know I cant do it on my own, just typing about it gives me an unpleasant dull ache in the pit of my stomach. Then comes the dilemma of whether or not to take my stick, If I am with my Mum, my sister, my partner or my girls I know they will watch out for me, but because its so busy people are less tolerant of someone who is slower than they want them to be,  if I take my stick, people are visibly aware of why I am being slow, but on the other hand, I am more vulnerable and sadly making myself a target.
Supermarkets are ridiculous, they cram so much crap in the isles, stack tins of chocolates at the ends of isles, and make lovely displays of hundreds of bottles of wine all stacked up, for me and anyone that has similar problems to trip over on or knock down,, this is a nightmare...not only is the shop full of people fighting to get the biggest frozen turkey two weeks before the 1st of December, but the 'seasonal isle' spreads all over the store, so things that are more or less in the same place each week could now be....well absolutely anywhere. I know this makes me sound like a complete scrooge at this festive time of the year...but imagine standing in a Tesco, you have a little trolley to hold on to, because holding on makes you feel safer and some how, in your own head,  makes you more visible to other people, there's Christmas music playing loudly, a Mum screaming at small child who is having a full on tantrum because he wants a doughnut with sprinkles on RIGHT NOW!!, there's a oldish guy pushing a trolley full of wine which are rattling and chinking on each other and the metal sides of the trolley, Mr and Mrs only been married six weeks are having a heated discussion on which Christmas crackers would best suit the table on Christmas day, a young girl is on her mobile phone giving her mate the full details of her..oh mannnn you cannot believe what he said to her and then what she said back to him sort of day, there's a tiny little girl happily pressing all the start buttons on every single singing Santa she can find, then there's the flashing Christmas tree lights, Stevenage Tesco has a sort of open café upstairs, so you get all the chinking of cups, chatter of people, and a whole range of different smells, coffee, gingerbread, chocolate, that Christmas tree smell, 20 different flavoured scented candles, freshly baked bread, the fish counter and you know that tiny little girl? well, she's definitely now got a very dirty nappy!
All these things the average person may or may not notice, I am aware of every single one of them and more all at the same time, my brain tries to absorb all the messages all my other senses are sending, for a while I can cope, and then as I notice more or someone does something unexpected like as me a question, I am done for, I can no longer cope...its so hard not to make a scene, I want to sit on the floor, curl up into a tiny ball and cry, I am exhausted, but at the same time I am furious with myself for not being able to control all these things, my senses are on high alert at all times, and I just want to switch them off, I notice that my knuckles are white from gripping the trolley so hard, deep breaths and find a isle that has a few people in, usually the squash and juices isle! Then to the tills, where there are massive queue's, never ever go to the self service, I learnt this the hard way, I needed to get out quickly, join a massive queue and have to make small talk with the cashier or self service, self service? WRONGGGGG , self service means that you are under pressure from the other people waiting, your recyclable bag never stands up in the small space provided, and there is always a problem with something and you have to wait for a member of staff to notice your light flashing because when you turn around all you can see are body shapes...so, join the queue at the till it is, the cashiers are often quite soothing to chat to, there is loads more room for your bags, if there is a problem, your cashier deals with it instantly and therefore the pressure and anxious desperate need to get out of the shop is relieved slightly. And that's all before you get the down right rude people who will plough through everyone with no care, understanding or tolerance of any other human, whether or not that person might have a disability.
Oh dear, I have just re read my blog and it sounds like a massive rant, I just wish the world was a little more considerate, everyone is in such a rush, and shops are making Christmas as big as they can ramming all these 'must buys' down our throats, when all you really need at Christmas is your family and the people you love around you....what is it that the Grinch says?...its not about packages, boxes or bags... maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store, maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.......oh and pasta cos everyone loves pasta x

Fireworks

I have always loved Fireworks, love the whole outdoor thing with a big bonfire and Jacket potatoes and chilli, when my girls were very small, we used to go to my Mums house where my sisters, their partners and children would all be there, along with some friends we would have some amazing fireworks, but as the years went on, things changed, not in a sad way at all, but well, Fireworks aren't what they used to be with all the rules and regulations they just don't seem so errr BIG! Maybe its because I have got bigger! We then started going to a event in our village organised by the White Horse pub and the local scout group, It was always a fab evening, with a good crowd. When my sight changed, for me, the evening also changed. Walking across the uneven field in the dark was a challenge in its self, but my dearest bestie would be beside me and because I had been to this event for a few years before I always felt relaxed.
Two years ago we went on our customary trip down the village to the pub, I remember standing watching all these lights in the dark sky and feeling humbled and a little sad, the chatter all around me, the smell and the noisy crackle of the bonfire, hot dogs, burgers and the wonderful smell of fried onions, these are all the things that are highlighted in everyday life for me, as I stood there I heard a bus drive past behind the field on the road and wondered how many other peoples hearing was on constant high alert like mine. Sometimes I feel like I am cheating because I am so very tuned into everything that I come across as being able to see more than I can, and often I believe I can see more than I can, confidence in myself and sheer bloody mindedness is my drive. Today I had to move a empty wheel barrow, I know that my sister had put a pair of scissors into the wheel barrow but when I looked into it they weren't there, so off I trundle with the barrow and lift it to prop it up against the fence, in the spilt second I started to lift it I heard the scissors slide in the barrow, I knew I had seen her put them in there, but I just hadn't looked long enough for me to see them, I moved very quickly and grabbed the scissors, propped up the barrow and put the scissors in there right place before anyone noticed, THAT my friends, is what I spend all day every day doing, hoping no one sees if I make a mistake....anyway, I have got off the point now, Fireworks, so, even though I was linked arm in arm with my best friend and I knew she wouldn't let me trip or stand on a small child, as we turned around there were tons and tons of people, for me, all black shadows with no faces all making for the exit, my girls and my friend two children had disappeared into the crowd and for the first time ever I wished I had spend Bonfire night at home, My friend guided me to the back of the field and we climbed over the fence so I wouldn't have to be caught in the crush of people, the kids followed.  The following year my girls and I stayed home and we watched fireworks out of the bedroom window. This year, my sister has moved her horses and they are closer to a firework event, so we all went to the place where they are stabled so we would keep an eye on the horses and watch the fireworks, it was fantastic to stand in a field without rubbing shoulders with a stranger and wondering where the kids had wondered off too, the horses weren't really bothered, so we stood back and watched the sky light up. My work colleagues will tell you that I have a real problem with the lights being switched on and off and it takes me a few minutes to adjust to the change, but I found the fireworks easy to cope with. The following day I got up and as the day progressed every few minutes I would see a little blue or green flash, I ignored it for a while, but by mid afternoon I was starting to worry myself as my bad eye was a bit achy, I sat on the bed thinking about whether or not I should ring mum and the hospital, and how I would describe what was going on to the hospital when I rang.....mmmmm, its just like, like errrr, fireworks....FIREWORKS what a pratt, my brain was remembering the fireworks, and the ache was just where I had been looking at something different, so the moral of this story is, always sit and think before panicking :)

Challenges

 On one of my visits to see Dr Attias, my GP, (who has now sadly for me, retired) he described the process of emotions I was experiencing as similar to grief, the ups and downs were incredible, days when I was so happy with confidence and a hope for the future I could burst followed by a day when I was beside myself with sadness and gloom, these times were the hardest to control, and I can imagine I wasn't the easiest person to live with so when I had started to get myself back together and had began the 'Acceptance' part of the journey I decided I needed a challenge or two, so with the help of my now ex partner, his best friend and his very lovely, kind and gentle wife, we decided we would climb Mount Snowdon! A route was chosen, we booked a B&B, I was armed with my white cane and a comfortable pair of boots and away we went! When we left Bedfordshire it was pouring with rain, by the time we had reached wales the sun was shinning! We started at Rhyd Ddu, the guide says.... This is one of the easiest and the least used routes.  It starts at the site of the South Snowdon Station of the Welsh Highland Railway.  The path is easy to follow and climbs gradually to the summit.  The going gets harder as you near the summit and the last section is along a steep narrow path with sheer drops below.......so, the path gradually climbs! my goodness the first bit I was using my stick to pull myself up! but it was truly exhilarating, we each went at our own pace, the men ahead messing about and us ladies pretending we weren't even breaking a sweat! As we got further up the mountain the weather got warmer, and there were some spectacular views, apparently!..Then as we neared the summit, the path literally disappeared and there was this narrow rocky 'path' with rocks one side and nothing, and I mean NOTHING the other, just a very very long way down, my ex was in front and I held his jacket, I put my stick away because if I tripped over it I was going to fall a long way, and the bestie was behind holding onto the top of my rucksack. thinking back, if I had slipped all three of us would have gone down the side of that mountain. The last bit before it levels out at the top we were completely on our hands and knees climbing over rocks. When I stood up, I brushed myself down and got out my stick and made my way to the sun dial thingy where everyone was having their photographs taken. To reach the top is a fantastic feeling, a whole muddle of wonderful emotions. In the building there were some official looking fellas, who we had a chat with and they were very impressed with my ability to climb that path, when we told them we were thinking about descending on the Pyg track, they told me I wasn't as they didn't think it would be safe for me....Stupid men, I wanted to  and did argue, but they won and we made our way back down the Ranger path, it was a bit longer but a really lovely walk. I think it took about seven hours to go up and down, and I only tripped over a couple of times. The next day I felt only slightly stiff, and we even managed a little walk along the river and to the statue of GELERT.
A few months later I began to get restless again and two of my most favourite ladies suggested we walk the Midnight walk in Luton for Keech. Again armed with the stick,the same comfy pair of boots, and two of the most wonderful ladies in all the land, we stomped around Luton from Midnight, I cant remember exactly but it took a couple of hours to walk 10 miles, again we met some fantastic people, and the whole atmosphere was amazing, my friends helped me all the way, as it was dark, they remembered to tell me where kerbs were and weren't, without them I couldn't have done it, by the end of the walk, the noise my stick was making on the path was driving me mad, but it was well worth every step, not only had I achieved another goal but I had supported a excellent charity with sponsors.
Since then I have completed other charity walks, conquered a climbing wall and at the moment I am teaching myself how to swim!
All these things not only get me out and are good for my mental health but I have met some lovely people, I have a small team of swimming friends who look out for me on a Wednesday morning when I am at the pool, I am eternally grateful for all the opportunities and experiences I have and forever grateful to the people who help me achieve them even if some of those people are no longer able to be part of my life.

My Glasses

As I've mentioned before, my glasses are my life line second only to my contact lenses, the lenses are as thick as milk bottle bottoms, and are about 20 years old, I used to go to an opticians in Biggleswade, and saw a man called Mr Loveday, they made me a pair of glasses in a sturdy Rodenstock frame. Now a days I cant really see much out of them as the prescription hasn't been changed since I bought them, although Specsavers in Hitchin did try, but my brain wouldn't make the adjustment, as they cost me £700, I tried to persevere with them for about a week but it just wasn't happening, luckily, Specsavers took them back and refunded the money, they were in ore of my old glasses and the Optician at Specsavers said he had never seen such a well made pair of glasses in such a high prescription. When my  eldest daughter was two years old (she will be 18 soon), she managed to snap them in half, they were repaired and I hadn't had any problems for years....THEN last February we brought a Puppy....little sod, ran off with them and chewed the plastic off of the end of the arm, after a lot of chasing  the little bugger around the house, I managed to retrieve them. The thought of taking them to be repaired was just a bit too embarrassing so I have just been careful when I put them on as not to stab myself with the sharp bit of metal sticking out of the plastic.
So, let me set the scene, Friday after a exhausting day at work, I get home, cook tea, do the ironing, change the bed sheets, hoover and dust, all the time I have a little warm happy feeling because I know that soon I will be getting into my clean bed in my tidy bedroom....sadly, I was excited, not everyone's Friday night I suppose! there I am, all bathed, clean PJ's, I climb into bed, take out my contact lenses and put on my glasses, I lay back on my pillows, long large satisfied sigh, and PLOP, my glasses and one arm are on my lap and the other arm is still behind my ear, I then spent the next two hours trying to balance the bloody things on my face so I could play candy crush until I fell asleep!
Saturday morning finds me on the bus going to Bedford to get my glasses repaired, Mum in tow!
We find Specsavers, and its heaving with people, this young lad ambles over and asks if I need help, I make him promise not to laugh at my glasses and showed them to him, he takes them off to a little machine, within about 20 seconds most of the staff are gathered around the machine, and Mum says, they keep looking at you! When I looked over I could see the usual questions were about to start, so I gave my biggest smile, and said, YES they are mine, Yes there are fantastic and YES they are very old. The lad smiled back and said 'you have a amazing prescription, how do you manage'....oh man I hate that, NOT managing is NOT an option. Mum tenses beside me and waits for me to blow, the lad sees Mums face and says...'I'll just clean them for you and file off this sharp end', then I notice I am the centre of attention, all the customers are looking at me and everyone seems to have stopped, the lad brings my fixed and clean glasses over to me and I ask him how much I owe, ...'oh, my goodness, nothing, you owe nothing, I took my glasses and my mum and ran for my life, how embarrassing!

How I lost my stick!

I was talking to a lovely lady today whom I have known for many years, but don't see very often, she is a fiery chick but a loveable fiery chick! She was asking me how I was getting along with my white cane. The cane can be a heavenly gift but also a right pain in the backside, if I am somewhere that I haven't been before, I use it, it sometimes stops people bumping into me, it sometimes gets me a seat on a packed train, it mostly stops me from tripping over, falling down curbs or walking into things. on the other hand, it makes me a target for people who think they can pinch your handbag, or people who try to help you when you are managing quite well on your own (recently, I was getting off the train at Woodbridge in Suffolk, there is quite a big gap between the carriage and the platform, I had my girls with me and my stick was doing its thing, then all of a sudden I feel two large hands under my armpits and this massive bloke literally lifts me off the train and plops me onto the platform, grins at me and says 'awwite luv'...my girls and I just stood there, mouths open and watch this fella strut away, you could almost hear him thinking 'there, that's me good deed done for the day!' while I know if I could have looked in a mirror, Mums WTF face would be staring back at me), the cane is also no good it you have more than one shopping bag, Mum tried to get me to use one of those shopping trollies, but I got street cred to maintain you know so I made sure the thing made its way back to Mums house!
Anyway, my first white cane was provided for me by Bedfordshire sight concern (thank you very much), and has travelled with me for miles and miles, it has been strapped to the back of a motorbike when I was taken to Devon for the weekend on my 40th birthday, it came with me on our adventure to Scotland on the train, its been everywhere I have been.
Then one day, my daughters Grandmother gave me £20 to spend on the girls, I thought, I could stick it in my purse and buy extra chocolate when I next go shopping, or I could buy something they really wanted, SO, after much deliberation, my eldest found some tickets for £10 each to go and see a lovely group of lads called ROOM94, they were playing in London on a Sunday evening, so in my very simple mind, I thought I could get them there on the train and tube, hang out in a little bar and wait for them to be done then bring them home....OHHHHHH NOOOOOOOO, things are NEVER that easy, I buy said tickets over the internet, no probs, plan route, the bloody tube station we need is shut, never mind get off at the one before and walk to the venue, drop girls off and find a bar.....this is where things got messy, as the Boyfriend tells me there is 'NO BLOODY WAY YOU ARE HANGING AROUND LONDON ON YOUR OWN'.....mmmmm, no bugger tells ME what to do! His reasoning was, he would be unable to come with me due to work, what if I got lost how was I going to find my way back, what happens if you cant find the girls, bla bla bla, and so it went on until I find myself buying a ticket to go see a band I never even heard of!
So, the Sunday arrives, and I am so pleased that we managed to get there, queue and get into the venue without any troubles at all, the girls disappear into the crowd of girls and go to do their moshing thingy, and I stand at the back of the room with two other parents, I felt a bit silly with my stick and there were lots of wires so I folded it up and tucked it under the bar, planted my feet, and told myself I was not going to move until the gig had finished. One of the parents disappears and leaves me with someone's Dad, who was frankly pissed out of his brain, and thought that because I carry a white stick, it must make me deaf as well, as he kept getting right in my face and screaming questions at me. The first set comes on, does their thing, and leaves the stage. I have no idea what they look like as the stage is too far for me to see it, next thing, a group of lads is standing beside me, I have a little chat, and they move on, then a different group, so I chat to them too, then this little lad named Robbie Coles is there, so I have a little chat with him too. Unbeknown to me, all these young men are band members. At the end of the evening, I am saying goodbye to my new friends and my girls are horrified that I have been a groupie with out knowing it! So one daughter either side of me they march me out of the venue, through the rush at the tube and onto a train at kings cross, where I sit to catch my breath.......where is my stick? still under the bar at the venue!

Red Chairs

Anyway, back on track, I was going to talk about how I managed to get a seat on the red chairs!
like I said, I get a lot of discomfort and because I need to make sure I get back to the hospital within a certain amount of time if the retina behind my eye tears I was extra sensitive I suppose in the beginning. I had to learn to know the difference between doing too much and feeling awful to knowing when something is really wrong. One time I woke up with my 'bad' eye stuck closed and nasty stabbing pains behind it, I got up, had a wash and tried to put contact lenses in, but I couldn't even get my eye open enough to get my contact lenses in. I sat about for a bit, but somewhere deep down in the pit of my stomach I knew I needed to be at the hospital, so I rang the number the hospital gave me, and got the reply I always get when they pull up my notes.....come in immediately. I put the phone down...big sigh, and then phone my Mum, who is always like a supersonic woman, and is dressed for a trip to London with hair immaculate, and is at my house within half an hour all ready to face the world....I however wanted to stick a paper bag over my head and go to the train station in my fluffy PJ's, socks and slippers. But, I go get dressed and follow Mum around to the train station, even when I was small, if there was anything wrong with me it was 'because you don't drink enough' or 'because you never drink hot drinks'....'why don't you try herbal tea?'...because its bloody disgusting, that's why, today was no different, she marches ahead of me banging on about the fact that if I drank more everything would be just fine and dandy!
When we get to A&E the staff nurse takes one look at me and we are sent straight through to a little room on our own, Mum and I sat there looking at each other for what felt like ages, and for a change we didn't seem to be moving about, we started to worry that we had been forgotten just as I was called to be examined. Usually we are sitting right in the middle of all the hustle and bustle and we do, well Mum does, a lot of people watching. This time I was marched past where everyone else was sitting and past the examination areas, past the red chairs, and up a little corridor, as we pass the red chairs Mum says, 'look, there still isn't anyone sitting on the red chairs'.....we get in the little very clean examination room, and the Dr pops on a pair of gloves and lifts my eye lid, shines a light into the eye and then pronounces that i have viral conjunctivitis......you are highly infectious....GO SIT ON THE RED CHAIRS!!!!!
Mum thought this was hilarious and wouldn't sit on the red chairs with me, she sat across the room on the, wait for it...GREY CHAIRS and proceeded to make faces and laugh at me, it was funny, and I suspect we got on the 'oldies' nerves with our messing about, eventually the nurse comes back with a bag full of goodies (well, medicine) and a warning not to put my contact lenses in while I was having the drops in my eyes and do not go back to work until it has cleared up! well, that told me, I sat with my arms folded, and my legs out like a teenager that had just had a telling off from the headmaster, Mum stuck her tongue out at me and we stated to laugh, once again Mum guided me home....I wasn't laughing for long though as by the end of the week I had managed to spread the infection to the other eye and both my girls were off of school with it....but on the bright side at least we know what the red chairs were for.....

What my brain sees

So, going back a bit now, over the years I have ended up in Moorfields A&E more time than I care to think about. I often get a lot of discomfort, when I am tired or have spent too much time where there are bright or flashing lights I get a dull ache in my eye, the hospital say this is unusual as the condition isn't usually accompanied by pain or discomfort, if I am very stressed out it can be so painful all I can do is lay in a dark room until I fall asleep. I think I have said before, I also cant do anything that might upset my balance, things like fairground rides, rooms filled with small people moving around at speed or simply scrolling up or down on the computer too quickly can set me off, my brain cannot cope with things moving too quickly and the strain of trying to focus gives me a head and eye ache, which then upsets my balance. When I was learning about this condition and losing my sight, I had a meeting with a very nice man named Rob, he told me that when people lose their sight, the brain searches for images that they recognise, so you might be looking at something, you cant see clearly what it is, so your brain races through millions of images of things that it MIGHT be and can produce something that isn't there, he said that people have been known to go to the doctors because they think they are hallucinating, so I shouldn't be surprised if this happens. I have noticed that my brain is very quick, I still do a lot of guess work, I find it so hard to explain how I know things are there or that thing say what they say, even when I cant see them I just know, ok, sometimes I am proved wrong, like at work the other day, I just assumed the person who was walking through the door was a person who works on our computers, but it wasn't him, just someone my brain recognised as him, I have also noticed that if I meet someone new, I see them everywhere, I don't really, but my brain does. it is constantly trying to remember what the person looks like so I know them next time, this means my brain homes in on anyone who has a similar figure, walks the same way or even if they smell the same.
we have a few new members of staff at school, I know I need to remember them (for a million different reasons, as working in a special needs school means that sometimes we have to move quickly so recognising people is very important), but today, Saturday, my girls and I went to Stevenage, I kept seeing these people everywhere, I know its not the people I know, and it drives me crackers, in the end my girls and I turned it into a game and we ended up in stitches....ah crap I just realised I was going to blog about red chairs, I seem to have got distracted!!! :)

The fruit and veg isle!

My goodness life has been so busy, I haven't had time to add to the blog for what feels like weeks! I have had some really positive feedback from lots of people, which is so lovely, encouraging and helps to boost my confidence.
This weekend, due to circumstances way beyond my control, I found myself having to pack up and spend the weekend in one of the most beautiful parts of our country, Woodbridge, Suffolk. My daughter and I travelled by train, it was so relaxing, no rushing, no pushing or feeling the need to keep up with the rat race. We stayed with our friends, who are always fantastic company, they live in a beautiful house, and Woodbridge is so picturesque, we went for a long walk along the river, and Friday night we all went for a meal in Ipswich, no problems what so ever, I hadn't felt I needed to use my stick at all, as I am very familiar with my surrounding I was very confident, I even drank, 2, yes 2 glasses of wine....something I never do. I had a good nights sleep and Saturday morning we took my friends dog for a long walk, then mid morning we thought we would pop into the local 24hour Tesco............then it all changed, I like to have a trolley when I am in a supermarket because it gives me a boundary, people tend to move out the way of a trolley, but they tend to bump into people and it doesn't seem to bother them, if I am struck by a human it sends my head spinning, so I try to avoid them!! But this particular time we didn't use a trolley, this meant I was, well, sort of naked! We didn't need much, my friend went off to get some meat and my daughter and I went to get some veg, I stood at the top of the isle and started to feel that little feeling in the pit of my stomach and my brain started screaming, GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE, THERE ARE TOO MANY PEOPLE, so what do I do?
I effing well panicked that's what I did, I instantly send my daughter down the isle looking for mushrooms and peppers, because I didn't want her to see me having a full blown panic attack, but this very stupidly meant I was standing on my own in the middle of Tesco with all these people trying to move around me, some small child was screaming, a woman was on the phone, telling someone on the other end to put the washing out, there was a Tesco employee collecting shopping for home delivery, all these noises were swamping me, people were whizzing round me and I could feel myself  literally loosing my balance. I know my breathing has changed and I know I have to find something soild to push my back against, but, if you know Tesco, when you get near the fruit and veg isle, there is often a big gap between isles, next thing my friend appears at my side, takes one look at me and leaps into action, I remember her saying something about getting me out of there, but I was too far gone, I needed to be standing with my back against something, now I am starting to worry about where my daughter is and if I move well she find us, my friend helped me through the stream of people to the end of a isle that had cardboard boxes stacked up, I leant on them and waited for my breating to return to normal, my daughter found us with no problems , and I felt better once we were moving away from the crowd. But I had this ball of anxiety in my stomach that wouldn't go away, we paid for the shopping and left the shop, but it took me several hours to calm down properly. I start to eat and I mean, really pigging out, I wanted to get rid of the feeling and in my mind if I ate the right thing it would go away, but of course this is crap because it only goes away when you are totally removed from the situation and are completely calm.
I will NEVER fail to be utterly pissed off with myself or get over the feeling of failure every time I have a panic attack, maybe that's really why I was eating, like a punishment for making myself look an utter twat right in the middle of Tesco. It just goes to show that every time you think you are in control, you're not, and these attacks come out of nowhere, I can fully understand why people who have them regularly do not like going out, do not put themselves in vulnerable situations, it would be very easy for me to hide from them and try to protect myself, and I am not saying that other people are weaker than me, just that these attacks don't, thankfully, come along that often, they really do, however, come from absolutely nowhere and some people can't cope with the unpredictability of that, seems to me there needs to be more awareness of these things, because i cant control mine and i really want someone to tell me how to cope better....please

Stupid Things

  Someone once told me that if we all put our problems into a pile we would soon be pulling our own out and running for cover, this is the philosophy I try to maintain and I often feel ashamed after I have had a 'feel sorry for myself day' that I haven't tried harder to pull myself together.
That said, there are some really stupid things that make my life so much more difficult....like cling film or sellotape, I mean cling film is a tricky thing for most people especially blokes, but there's been a million times when I cant find the end or pour mayo onto a bowl of tuna only to find someone has put cling film over the bowl and the mayo looks like it is magically hovering above the tuna! 
I also find I miss read labels, when I am in a busy supermarket I find I am unable to concentrate on what's around me AND do the shopping, as soon as I enter a shop my mind goes blank, but I also have a problem with lists! when I was going shopping with my Mum or My Sister, I would tell them what I wanted and they would remember, then I started shopping with my Daughters....who DONT remember, so I need to write a list, only I loose lists so I have learnt to write 3 or 4 lists and stash them in various places, purse, jeans pocket, coat pocket, behind the case of my phone AND one each for the Daughters, by the end of the shopping trip we are lucky if we have any lists left! THEN came the day I thought I would try shopping on my own!!! I caught the bus using my newly acquired bus pass into Hitchin, I had 5 shopping lists stashed around my person, I was sooooo proud of myself for getting the bus on my own, strutting, confident, head held high, like I was some super hero, I waltz into Waitrose and pulled out my first list.....only to find I had written it too bloody small, I couldn't read it, what a pratt, I thought I was so cool, I had remembered everything, except to write my own bloody shopping list big enough for me to be able to read it. So, what do I do, ask someone to read it for me?...HELL NO! I picked up  basket, big smile on my face, marched to the chocolate isle, filled my basket with chocolate and sweets, did the till thing and caught the next bus home, when I got in I got the magnifier out, and what do you know? Toothpaste, cotton wool, washing up liquid....no sign of bloody chocolate or sweets at all :)
One time I brought bread, I stood looking at a long isle of bread, thinking right, ok we usually have the blue one, I pick up the blue one, you can imagine the up roar when the kids came home from school and I had made their marmite sandwiches with Omega 3 bread....fish and marmite.....you gotta love it or hate it!...they hated it!
Then there was the time I did a whole weeks worth of laundry with what I thought was detergent and it was fabric conditioner......then the time when I thought I could install my new dishwasher on my own, which resulted in me getting stuck in a tiny cupboard, water pipe in one hand which was pissing water all over me, bucket in the other, but I couldn't make them meet because the space was too small, all because I hadn't seen there was TWO little taps and I had turn the wrong one off, the daughters and I ended up laughing hysterically as I squelched around the kitchen trying to clean up the river on the floor.....enter furious boyfriend who demands to know why I don't do as I am told.......everyone knows I NEVER do as I am told...

Change

At my next appointment at the hospital it was decided that there would be no more injections, there was a lot less blood and fluid behind the retina and although my sight had deteriorated slightly again the actual eye was looking healthy after the trauma of my last visit. we talked for some time about trying to improve the sight in my left eye but eventually the Doctor decided to leave it alone, explaining that all treatments carry a element of risk, if something were to go wrong and I loose the sight I have in that eye, well, basically I would be in real trouble. He sits and reads through my notes, doing that scratching his chin thing that blokes do when they really need to tell you something but they are not quite sure how you are going to take it......'I think its time we moved you on a bit'.....Errrr okay.....' well, get you more support, you know, for the future'........mmmmm, spit it out fella.......The Doctor produces a form, scribbles some stuff on it, hands it to me and points me in the direction of the RNIB. In a little room near the entrance of the hospital I found two lovely, kind and chatty ladies who helped me through the transition from being someone who was receiving treatment to someone who the treatment could no longer help, so I was going under the label of being registered blind.
If I am honest, I don't really remember much about that day, funny how your brain blocks out the memories you don't want, a lot of the time I remember hearing voices, but not taking in what they were saying, I just wanted to go home and do all this stuff another day! The ladies were fab, they soldered on, pushing forms in front of me and saying 'sign on my finger my dear!' I numbly did as I was told, the pile of paperwork beside me was getting bigger and bigger, I was exhausted both mentally and physically, I had reached the point where I wanted to bury my head in the sand until it all went away, but it wasn't going away and I had to face it like a grown up. As we made our way home that day with my leaflets for various organisations and support groups, my list of people I must see and the people who I should see, its hard to explain the emotions I was feeling...walking out of the hospital I felt a huge sense of grief, the heavy feeling in your chest and the selfish feeling you get when you think no-one in the world will ever understand how devastated you feel, and why? Because I had been given a label? because there was nothing more that could be done? A feeling of loss because I wouldn't be part of the buzz that I got when I was at moorfields and the hope that everything will be ok? The fear of losing the closeness I had built up with my Mum over the frequent visits to the hospital? Or just stupid dumb boring old CHANGE?....one minute I was part of a massive familiar procedure, there was a bank of people, Doctors, nurses, professionals, other patients, cleaners, the lady who brought the tea around, this group of people were my security blanket and suddenly it was gone...come back if anything changes, I know its all still there when I need it, but I felt like I was on my own.
While we waited for the connecting train at Finsbury park, I re evaluated my situation, I am not dying, I have two beautiful children, My Mum will always be there how ever much I piss her off, I still have and can work. I looked around at all the other people moving around on the platform and realised I was in London...I have been coming to London all this time, and yet I haven't seen any of it...bugger that, its time things did change, for the better, I then made a mental note to live life to its fullest, pack as much in as I can, remain as independent as I can and make my decisions MY decisions........

The Last Injection

Every time I went for an injection, I got braver, and the bleeding behind the retina seemed to be less and less apparent each time. It was the same routine when I went for my fifth injection, blood pressure, eye sight test, dilation and anaesthetic, and then testing to check fluid and blood levels behind the retina....oh, did I mention about having pressure taken? after each injection, before they let you go home they check these pressures (I have no idea what that is about, as usually I am so relieved that the injection is over that they can do what they like to me, because surely there cant be anything worse!). Again the nurse took me into a little room, and describes what they are going to do, its a little hand held device they put right onto your eye that checks these pressures, if they are too high or too low you cant go home! I don't know what happens then as each time mine were spot on, I think maybe once the nurse made me wait five minutes, checked them again and pronounced me good to go. I often wondered if the nurses keep describing things when they are out of work, you know, they are bathing their baby and proceed to describe the whole procedure to the baby, a bit like when you have learnt to use sign language, you tend to use it for everyone, and find yourself looking like you have blown a kiss to a man in his lorry when he has stopped to let you cross the road, when all you are doing is signing 'thank you'!
To be honest, I think I was getting a little cocky with the injections and the whole testing routine, and the whole experience was making me more and more independent, I remember saying to Mum, ohhh I could probably come on my own now, and Mum just giving me her WTF look and saying errr no! and me thinking,,,,bloody hell, I am not six, I can do this on my own!...then, once again, I am taught a lesson in, just when you think you know what's going to happen, it changes!
I was laying on the bed, head secured, clamp holding my eye open, and I was completely relaxed and thinking about whether or not someone would remember to put the Lasagne on that I had made for tea, nurse puts in drops, yep check, Dr is leaning on my cheek, yep check, injection is going in, yep check.....I hear the Dr say 'shit' and feel his body jump with panic....errrr no, this is NOT in the routine, I hear running feet, the clamp and my head support are whisked off, doors start opening and closing, I am hearing lots of different voices, I cant see or feel anything, panic sets in, but my brain tries to override it, nah, cant be me, perhaps the Dr broke something, OR perhaps something has happened in the other treatment room........next thing Tina is there, she is standing stroking her thumb up and down my forehead, saying 'hello my darling, everything is ok, the doctor will be back in just a moment, then I start to cry, bugger, it IS me. Then all I can think is Mum is sitting outside and there is all these people running in and out of the room, she must be terrified, so I cry harder, Tina is telling me I must stop crying.
It felt like I was stuck on that bed for ages, when the Dr came back he had brought along some friends, they all came and stood around the bed, tutting and making sympathetic sounds....my brain was screaming, WHAT THE BLOODY  HELL HAS HAPPENED...but all I did was sob and wait, all my confidence, braveness and even my cockiness had vanished, I felt very very small and at the mercy of someone who wouldn't tell me what was happening, doors open and closed again, the Dr whispered some instructions to Tina and she quickly began opening packets, the Dr took my hand and said 'I am so sorry, but you have had a haemorrhage, and I am afraid that your eye looks terrible, I don't think we will be able to risk any more injections'. Silence...I couldn't think of anything to say, what was I supposed to say? 'ohhh that's ok then '. For the very first time I felt sorry for myself, why me? what the eff have I done to deserve this? I sat on the edge of the bed, trying to pull myself together, sort yourself out woman, you are not dead, and theres lots of others waiting out there, oh shit there IS lots of others out there, I ask Tina to fetch my sunglasses from Mum, explaining that if I was sitting in the waiting area and someone had come out of the treatment room looking as awful as the Dr said I did, I would be running for the nearest tube station!....needless to say, she went and fetched my sunglasses. Mum was brought into the little area between the waiting area and the treatment room, and someone, a voice I didn't recognise explained what had happened, what was happing next and what the future held...no more injections. My Mum is a tough cookie, looked at my eye and said 'ohhhhh, that's not too bad Lynda, lets get you home and in to bed, perhaps it would be best if the girls don't see you until tomorrow' that said it all really. The nurse came back with a big bag of medicine and I went home.
As it happened, I was in bed asleep when my daughters came in from school, when they came to say goodnight, the bedroom light was switched off so they didn't really see me until the following morning, they were frightened of me, it must have looked so scary to them, my whole eye was red, I couldn't put my contact lenses in so I couldn't see it, it took weeks and weeks for the eye to return to the normal colour, but it did, and I am so thankful that it did, because I don't want to stand out, I don't want sympathy, I don't want to be treated any differently, and that is hard because I do have a disability but I do not and will not consider myself as being disabled, in my eyes being disabled has a full stop after it, and it is meant for a unfortunate soul who is unable to do certain things, having a disability means I just have to look at different ways of achieving what I want to do. I have worked with and understood someone who is truly disabled, and they do deserve respect, understanding, sympathy and empathy, I do not put myself in that category equally I do not put myself in the same category as someone who claims to be disabled and sits back and lets the state look after them, when actually they could probably do a lot more for themselves, and now I will get off my soap box and go take the dog for a walk :)

SLOW DOWN!!!

From the first injection everything sort of steam rolled, I was going back to the hospital every six weeks, each time I had to have an assessment and tests to see how much fluid was leaking and if the Dr felt another injection was necessary. One time my appointment had fallen on the 15th of December, I always like to get the train before the train that I need..hope that makes sense? but on this occasion, we got on a packed train (cos everyone and their mum seemed to be off to do a spot of Christmas shopping) then the bloody thing broke down at Hitchin station, every time mum and I go to the hospital, whether it be for an appointment or one of my famous visits to A&E, we don't eat, Mum drinks coffee, but I cant stomach anything, in fact we got into a routine that neither of us ate or drank until we were on Finsbury Park station on the way home, then she would have coffee and I would have a ginger biscuit. Anyway, on this day, the lump in my stomach was particularly big, and I just felt like it was going to be a bad day. Just as I was thinking about ringing the hospital to tell them I was going to be late, we started to move, usually Mum and I chatter, but not today, everyone was getting on my nerves, a bloke in the seats in front of me on his mobile phone, although he didn't really need one as he was talking so loud I suspect he could be heard all over the country, a young girl sat across from us had her ipod on, but it was so loud through her earphones all I could hear was the buzz of the base! When we reached Finsbury Park, a torrent of people got off and swarmed onto the platform, during my training I had been taught that if I felt unsafe to find something solid, like a wall, and stand with my back to it and lean on it taking deep breathes until either someone could help me or I could figure out what I needed to do next. I felt so odd, I moved to the waiting room wall and stood as close to it as I could and let people move past me, our train came in, but I couldn't get on it so we waited the whole 6 minutes for the next one. I can only way I can describe the way I was feeling is, you know when you've been at work all week, and its been a manic one, you reach Friday and you think, balls, I'm off down the pub? you get in there and get the wine in, before you know it you've drank two bottles of wine and then realise all you've had to eat today is a packet of crisps, so you stand up and there's that terrible feeling that the room is spinning, your tummy keeps flipping, you start with the hot and cold sweat thing, and then the nausea sets in? Well, that's how I was feeling. we got to the hospital and the staff, that I was now becoming familiar with, knew something was wrong, they were extremely under staffed and said there could be quite a wait so they did my tests then sent me off to the café, I tried hard to eat and drink thinking this was the reason for me feeling so strange, as we wondered back I barked at Mum for bumping into me and commented that every bloody one was bumping into me, all she said was "Lynda, its not everyone else, its you" well, that was like a slap in the face, here I was barrelling along, there is nothing WRONG with me, I just have very poor sight, why the hell is my balance off. I explained how I was feeling to the Dr, who proceeded to make me follow him around the corridors, he moved sometimes quick and sometimes slow, we had a destination, but I don't remember it, all I remember was I kept bumping into things, tripping over chairs or seeing things too late, I was getting properly pissed off with myself. Turns out my eye sight had deteriorated again, only slightly but enough for my brain to be screaming, "WHAT THE HELL WOMAN, WILL YOU SLOW DOWN SO I CAN RESET MYSELF TO WHAT YOU ARE SEEING"....I cant tell you how many people tell me to slow down, it is not/has not been in my vocabulary, I have a real problem when there are a lot of people moving all at the same time, my brain cannot cope with the images it is trying to process, if I am tried or unwell, my body sort of says right that's enough and starts to shut down, I cant fight it and I know I need to listen to what my body is telling me, I know I need to slow down and I know I need not to put myself in situations that I cant cope with, but I am a awkward, stubborn old boot and I feel ashamed to say when I cant do something, even when I know I have to stop, I have become fantastic at pretending, every challenge I face makes me stronger, but I have learnt some very hard lessons and have been trying to slow down (Honestly, I have!!)

Avastin Injections

The following 25 minutes dragged while I waited for the Avastin, when I heard the Dr and nurses voices on their return I instinctively stood up and the nurse took my arm and lead the way, the treatment room was described to me as being similar to a mini operating theatre, everything was sterile, only two people were aloud in the room with the patient (that'll be the Dr and the nurse then!), The nurse helped me onto the bed and told me to relax...RELAX, clearly she hadn't been listening to all the horror stories the oldies had been preaching out in the waiting area. I felt some sort of a contraption holding my head in to a stable position and then I was talked through having a 'clamp' attached to my eye to hold it open while the injection was administered....more anaesthetic was put in to my eye, the clamp, I remember, was very cold, I held my hands together on my stomach and was pushing them so hard into my belly that I thought I was going to pass out. How many people stretch their feet out and point their toes when they are in the dentist chair? Well, that was me, knees locked, bum cheeks clenched, and frankly I was crapping myself! The clamp goes between your top and bottom eye lids and, well, holds them open so you cant blink, I was expecting, even though the nurse has said it wouldn't hurt, to feel a searing pain, or something truly horrendous. But all I felt was the Dr leaning on my cheek and just a feeling of pressure being put on my eyeball, which as I write I can feel it now if you know what I mean! I was lucky (or rather the Dr was lucky) that I couldn't see the needle coming! It was all over in seconds, the clamp was off, the nurse was putting antibiotics into my eye and the Dr had whisked off to write my notes up and make me a prescription for a further weeks worth of antibiotics. I wanted to cry with relief, it wasn't nearly as bad as I had been lead to think. Then I was packed off home, this time getting home was a much slower procedure, I was frightened that I might get knocked over, even with my stick and Mum at my side I suddenly felt very vulnerable.
I couldn't put my contact lenses in while I was having antibiotic drops in my eyes so I couldn't go out and I was limited to what I could do around the house, I had to have someone put in the drops for me because I wasn't able to do it myself, that was when the talking books were my saviour, I lost myself in many stories, 'The illustrated Man' by Ray Bradbury was my favourite. But anyway, that was the first of my six injections, as the weeks went on, the 'oldies' became friends and looked out for me and they started having conversations about their lives, families and histories instead of trying to frighten the crap out of me!

Retinal Therapy Unit

You know, someone has just told me I have made loads of spelling mistakes, for this I am very sorry, as nothing gets on my nerves more than bad spelling!...Also, I forgot to mention before something that was taught to me during my training, how to navigate myself around a keypad, so if I am paying for shopping that is over the limit that I can 'tap' for, I was taught that if you feel the number 5 on any keypad, even on a computer, anywhere that numbers need putting in, there will be a raised line or a small raised spot, if I know where 5 is I can manage to put my pin in easily. Cool eh? AND the bumps on pavements...the long oval ones tell me there is a bus stop there, and the round ones tell me I that this is a good place to cross the road. At traffic light crossings, if the lights don't beep, there is a little knob under the box which has the button on which you press to get the lights changed, when its good to cross the little knob swivels, which is also very cool!
Anyway, back to Moorfields I go, this time I am armed with my Mum, my stick, mine and Mums cheque books and credit cards. I am trying, as usual to act calm but I have a knot in my stomach as large as a beach ball. The 'out patents' care is just as professional and organised as A&E. RTU is underground, it is incredibly clean, there are no windows to gaze out of.  This is all new to me so again, I am taking in every single thing, but because I don't know what happening my brain won't absorb everything , and I keep checking that Mum knows where we are. As before, we are moved from room to room, this makes you feel like something is happening, instead of just sitting looking at strangers, first you check in, good, I am on todays list!! next you go to a different area to have your eyesight checked, usual reaction from the nurse ...OMG how DOOOO you manage!.....Errrr just get on with it really :).........your are so young....well, I'm 38...that's nearly 40!!! Sight test complete, nurse puts in dilating fluid into both eyes and anaesthetic and antibiotic into my right eye.  Just pop along the corridor and wait on the blue, yes I said blue chairs. Mum jumps up as I come out, and we walk around to 'THE CORRIDOR OF DOOM'. As I look down this long corridor there must have been 40 blue chairs, every single one of them occupied by a person, not one of those persons was under 70 years old, a gentleman gets up and offers Mum his chair, she promptly shoves me onto it...every single one of those OAP's turns and glares at me, luckily the dilation is starting to work, but I can hear the mumbling, then I hear a different noise, a rumbling, and foot steps, what's this...all the old peeps start fidgeting and getting out their purses, bloody hell, it a TEA trolley, there was a lot of commotion and fussing, for some reason this gives me the giggles, thinking back it was probably nerves, mixed with the dismay of being grouped with OAP's, not that there is anything wrong with OAPs, but in my ignorance just assumed there would be people my age waiting for treatment. As time ticked on we were all called one by one for blood pressure and dilation check, when my name was called, and I got up instead of Mum, it caused a ripple of chatter all the way down the line, I had to be escorted in and out by a nurse as by then all I could see was the white fuzz. Early afternoon and we were down to the last dozen seats, and there was a small group of us sitting there, an old man broke wind, his wife was horrified, but Mum and I are giggling away, this broke the ice and the others started to talk to me..."Are you here for an injection dear?"..yes..."How awful"..they then proceeded to share with me every single horror story they had known about the injections, they managed to paint such a gruesome picture that, I began to shake, something strange happened to my hands, the palms were sweating, I felt cold and my heart was sending my blood pressure through the roof. As long as I live I will never forget that feeling of fear when my name was called, Mum squeezing my hand as I got up and all the oldies singing "good luck", like I was off to play a bloody game of bingo, Dr Andrews was in his little office, looked at me, and told me if I didn't calm down he wouldn't be injecting me, and I didn't, so he didn't. He left me in the room and went and sorted the next patent, a nurse came in and did the whole distraction thing and I shared some of the horror stories...."once the needle snapped in my eye".... "they had to tie me to the bed".....you know when you need to run, get away. there was no way I was staying. The nurse was lovely she got me a glass of water and talked me through the procedure, When the doctor came back he started saying that I was unable to have the same drug as everyone else, I needed something called Avastin, which they aren't allowed to keep at the clinic, my heart and stomach lifted.  ha, I am going home, no injection for me! The Dr, taps me on the knee and tells me to sit out in the waiting area, and he, and the nurse will nip up and get my drug administered and signed for, balls!!!
In all the fuss, I had forgotten that Mum had been sat out in the waiting area with the evil oldies telling her dreadful things, as soon as she sees me she grabs her handbag, I feel the judging eyes and the mocking, "what a baby, she didn't have it done", the Nurse explains what's happening, and Mum sits back down, 15 long, long minutes later, I am back in the little office, where I am told, the hospital will be paying for my injections and here comes the first one......

Sight Concern

The following morning I did as I was told (which as anyone who really knows me will tell you, I never do as I am told) and rang the numbers the doctor had given me, this lead on to a lovely meeting with I guy called Rob,  he went through a load of paperwork with me, sorted some visual aids for me to use around the house, and put together something called 'My Personal Rehabilitation Plan'. A couple of days later I receive my box of goodies, in this box there was a talking clock (to go beside my bed , so I just tap it and this delightful American voice tells me the time), a boil alert, so I know when a saucepan of water is boiling, a big button telephone, which I hate and has been returned to the box, contrasting chopping boards, which have saved my fingers a few times, a writing frame which looks ridiculous and I refuse to use it, toenail clippers, which, shhhh, I cant use because I cant see my toenails AND MY WHITE CANE, this piece of equipment has been my lifeline, it helps me support myself on the return journeys from the hospital (except when my Mother grabs hold of it to steer me across the road, or when she grabs me under the arm and the bloody thing fly's through the air), it gives me confidence to go out on my own, I always use it if I go somewhere new where there is the possibility that I might need to find somewhere on my own, it also lets people know that I have a visual impairment, most of the time people give me space and try not to bump into me, if not I simply hit them with it!! But before all that, I had to have my 'training'....so I had two gentlemen from the visual impairment team who helped me through my training, first I had to learn how to use my stick correctly, which is much harder than it sounds as I wanted to rush along with it, but apparently you have to 'slow down' which is not a phrase I understand! Throughout my Mobility lessons, I learnt how to safely cross the road, how to use the stick for getting me up and down steps, kerbs and stairs, getting on and off a bus, they took me to my familiar places and they taught me a safe route to take from the station to the school where I work, I then had lessons in, mowing the lawn, hovering and ironing, all of these techniques have been invaluable to me, and I use them everyday, it involves taking the task I am about to do, and divide it into much smaller chunks, it also means going over things twice just to make sure and visualising in my head the activity I am doing. Then over the next 6 months I had to start going to the shops, walking around and just finding my way around things. I felt awful, I hated what people must have thought of me, here I am signed off from work, and I am going shopping, again, this is something I had to do, my Doctor had said to me when I was moaning one time that he was signing me off again, that if I couldn't cope with every day things, and couldn't go out on my own, how was I going to go back to work, so he singed the form, slapped it in my hand and sent me home.
Sight concern were worried about the time I spend alone as I cant 'watch' the telly particularly on a bad day, so they completed a application for Calibre talking books which helped me through the early stages and gave me something to loose myself into, later they also sent me a Dab radio, which I love. I also received a bus pass and a railcard, My now ex partners Mum had kindly paid for all my train tickets up to London during the treatment, and the railcard then knocked off a 3rd of the price. Some of the things put in place didn't and still don't sit well with me, I had a stand up argument about applying for a blue badge with a lady from sight concern, she argues that if I came out of a supermarket for example and I am used to the light in there, and it was very sunny or dark when I came out I would be unable to navigate myself across the car park safely, I remember sitting with this stupid form in front of me and refusing to answer the questions properly, the woman kept sighing and I wanted to tell her where to shove the form...she took the form and posted it for me,,,,, bugger me if a few weeks later a bloody blue badge lands on my doormat, I hated looking at it, until one day I had to go to the QE2 for a certain test, there was no where to park so my ex parked on a side street, when we came out, my eyes had been dilated and I kept tripping over things, so he left me standing on the corner of the road on a grass verge while he got the car....I hear a car draw up, and I feel for the door handle and get in....you can guess the rest, I still wonder whose car I had got in, no words were exchanged as soon as my backside touched the seat I knew I was in the wrong car and leapt out, the person quickly drove off, and I stood there trying to act cool.

The all time low

The next few days went by in a blur, the end of the summer holidays came and I had to go back to work, I tried my best to act 'normal'. The thing I think most people who know me find hard is that I don't look any different than before, perhaps my eye doesn't open as wide as my other one, but considering what my eye has been through it still looks healthy.
The first day was a training day which I coped with by attaching myself to someone, at the tea break and dinner I stayed at the table not daring to move as I was in unfamiliar surroundings, I had caught the train into work and walked to the school, the school has two sites, one I have known for about 11 years, the other one, where our training was held, I hadn't been in often enough for my brain to remember where everything was. I went home exhausted, and if I am honest a little emotional, this year I was to work with a male teacher who I didn't know and another TA who is lovely but again, and no disrespect to her, but I have to trust the people I am working closest with. This put me in a huge dilemma, do I give up, am I a risk to the children, I couldn't sleep that night all these things were going round and round in my head. The following morning I went back into work with the intention of grabbing my boss and letting her know what was going on, but with one thing and another I kept missing her, so I went to the classroom and started to help prepare the class for when the children came back. The teacher asked me to collect some things from the resources garage, I was crafty and got someone else to fetch me the key as I knew I wouldn't be able to see which number the key was hanging from, all was good, until I stood in the garage with all this stuff and realised that I couldn't see a thing, a Panic attack is something produced from the devil himself, its a bitch of a thing, and there's bugger all I can do to stop it until my brain starts to  remember the warning signs. first its like a massive black mist surrounding me, I cant breath, I start to shake, I feel sick and dizzy and my brain goes 'empty' I have a overwhelming need to run away, get far far away, and then I cry and oh boy, not silent tears, great big fat sobs and I cant stop them, this is bad for my eyes as crying messes up my contact lenses and I cant see, which then sends me off into another panic. I fell out of the garage, somehow locked the door, fetched my coat, gave the key into the office and told them I was going home, how the hell I got home that day with out killing myself I will never know, I tried to pull myself together all the way to the train station, people were looking at me, I knew I looked a state and I thought I was calming down a bit, I got to the platform, then it came back, worse than before, I totally lost control this time, everything went, tears, snot, shakes and bowels, a fast train shot past on the other platform and in those few seconds I wanted to put myself under it, my train pulled in a moment later, do I get on it, how am I going to get home, I cant sit down, I have messed myself...WOMAN ,you have to get home! luckily I was far enough up the platform for me to get on the last carriage, there was two people sitting in a carriage, I stayed, with my head down, by the train doors, my stop is 5 minutes down the line, as I stood there another wave of emotion swept over me, humiliation, ashamed that I had no control over myself, at the time I was annoyed with myself for letting it happen, not realising that this is a process I had to go through for me to get where I am now. I got off at my stop and walked the short distance to my house, let myself in, went straight to the bathroom and cleaned myself up, I put my clothes in the washing machine, tidied up the breakfast things, looked at the post, then I went and sat in my conservatory, picked up the phone and called my partner at work, I explained all and started to cry again, he couldn't leave work so I called Mum, I howled down the phone to her, proper big sobs, she instructed me to get an appointment at the doctors, I rang then, nope, no appointments till next week, I phone Mum back, relay information...the next minute my sister comes flying around the corner into the car park out side my house, and she takes me to the doctors where the receptionist has miraculously found an appointment. From there things really started to move, he wouldn't give me anti depressants because he said I had to work my way through it, this was very early days and what I was feeling was a kind of grief, so I had to go through the motions and not mask it....other than that he knows I am a tough cookie.....your joking right? I just nearly put myself under a train!...yeah, but you didn't and that's what makes you a tough cookie...However, there are people I should get in touch with and they will help me, Bedfordshire sight concern, Action for Blind, Access to work, my Doctor, who I know well, scribbles some phone numbers down, tells me that I am a strong, brave and determined lady, and oh yes, I have the letter from the hospital, and I am signing you off from work until you have learnt to adjust to the new way you will have to live your life, this does not mean sitting a home doing nothing, it means calling these numbers making appointments and getting the help and support that is available. right o, I best get on with that then......

Tests

So, I return to the hospital on the Tuesday morning for tests, the first one involved having a cannula put into my hand and a dye injected through it, then I was hooked up to a machine that takes lots of photographs of my eyes, again all the staff were so lovely, they talked me through the procedure so I knew what was coming, bear in mind, I have already had my eyes dilated and cannot see a thing, so putting my trust into a group of people I don't know made me feel very uncomfortable. I remembered someone telling me that the die might make me feel sick, holy crap! they weren't wrong, once the dye was in my system I had to stick my head into this machine, all the while my brain is arguing with my stomach, you know that feeling, cold sweats, mouth watering, I felt dizzy, the nurse touched my arm, telling me to take deep breaths when all I wanted to do was throw up all over the expensive machine, when the machine had finished, the nurse took me back to sit with Mum to rest and let me stomach settle, as ever Mum was straight in with "Lynda, can you see those red chairs over there?","....No Mum", "WELL, I've been sitting here watching and there's this line of about 10 red chairs over on the other side of the waiting room!","......Yes, and.....", "well. no one sits on them!!!" I felt the dull sick feeling in my stomach lift and I begin to smile, I know I am going to start giggling over a line of bloody red chairs, we must have sat there like a pair of 6 year olds, with Mum saying "ohhhh, here comes someone!...no,no, they're not sitting on the red chairs". Then I was whisked away again to have lights shone in and out of my eyes, special lenses put into my eyes and more different coloured lights shone in and out...all the while all I could think about was who was sitting on the red chairs! Actually, thinking back now, Mum and I did a lot of distracting each other from what was happening, and at no point did I really think it was serious or that there would ever be a very strong possibility that I would loose my sight, after all, I was 38 years old, all the other people in the waiting room seemed to come and go, but we didn't, THEN I met Dr Andrews!
I was in a very small room with a young sounding Dr and My nurse Tina, when you cant see it is so hard to with hold information, they were talking to me, but it just wasn't sinking in, they were saying they thought I had MCN but the retina had become so thin that there was a very real risk it could detach..what's going round in my head? RED CHAIRS, RED CHAIRS....you will need to come and attend Dr Andrews clinic...red chairs red chairs...he will be along in a minute...red chairs, red chairs...Then I hear this booming voice getting louder, nahh that voice is not coming in my small space...more red chairs.....oh shit, he IS in my space, the red chairs vanished...I have never met someone so so, I can only describe him as a big friendly giant, with a massive personality, a man who is top of his game and knows it, he shouts move and everyone moves. With a booming matter of fact manner he tells me that I will be attending his clinic, he will be sending a letter to my doctor, with a click of his fingers I can hear the other Dr frantically tapping on his computer, I need to start a course of injections (at this point I didn't understand that the injections were going in my eye) BUT as I am too young the hospital will not pay for them and they will be £2000 each and I will need about 6....HAHAHAHAHA bloody red chairs!! BUT Dr Andrews himself has taken a look at all my results today and I need to start the injections asap as I already have a large build up of blood and fluid behind the retina, so I will be sent a letter with a appointment and he will inject me! Great, where the hell am I going to find £12,000...in his next breath he says something about speaking to someone higher up and my case going to some kind of panel, he is sure the hospital will give the go ahead so don't worry...oh and he grabs my hand shakes it, ruffles my hair and is gone......why the hell can't I get the Red Chairs to come back, at some point Mum had been brought into the room and says don't worry if we have to pay, we have to pay. The trip home that day was a long solemn one. And little did I know my turn on the red chairs would come soon enough.....