Sunflower Lanyard

What a strange day its been, Its been one of those days that, luckily, I don't get very often. 
I didn't sleep very well, so I was glad that it was my day off. 
Literally, from the minute I sat up in bed and opened my eyes I was irritated, I felt around on my bedside table for my glasses, knocked them and they went flying off onto the floor, I then spent the next twenty minutes with my backside in the air as I dangled over the side of the bed patting the carpet with my hand trying to feel for my precious specs, how the hell they ended up right under the bed I will never know!
Once my specs were safely positioned on my face I found my contact lens case, and the usual contact lens application procedure commenced, same thing every day for the last 35 years, today, same as every day, I unscrew the pot, put the pot with the solution in on the bedside draws, and balance my specs and  the little cage thingy that holds my contact lenses on the duvet, always the right eye first, my brain cant cope if the left one goes in first, so I have the little lens balanced on my finger ready to insert, and its gone, panic and irritation are never a good mix, for some strange reason, I thought I had put my specs on the bedside draws so I automatically put my hand out, knocking the pot of solution everywhere, nothing I can do about that right then, but there is no way i am ever going to find my lost lens with out any bloody sight at all, panic is still rising, then I remember my specs are on the duvet, so I very carefully feel around for them, once they were back on my face, I was able to gently search for the lens, another 20 minutes of my life I wont get back, but hey, at least I found the little bugger. Once both lenses were safely in my eyes, I turn to inspect the bedside draw spillage, only to find the solution dripping off the top straight onto the electrical extension lead, grabbing the first thing to hand (which happened to be a pair of knickers) I mopped up the solution, no real damage done, what I didn't notice was my phone sitting in a pool of solution on top of the draws!!
I suppose really that was a sign that I should stay in bed for the rest of the day, but NOOOOO, its my day off and I got STUFF I need to do. 
Even walking Ralph was harder than usual, on our usual route, and I am concentrating on him so hard as he kept doing this odd thing, putting his ears back and tail tucked under his bum, and trying to walk in between my legs, so I stop and pay him some attention, as most dog owners would, I gave him a fuss and a whole five minute conversation on what he thought the problem might be and how I was going to help him, but I wasn't going to carry him, because he is NOT a puppy, he is a big boy....bla, bla, bla. Then I feel someone watching me, something isn't right, the traffic has stopped, and I can hear idle engines, right on que, as I'm starting to come out of the world of Ralph, a horn beeps and another, turns out I am standing right in the middle of some ones drive, they are holding up the whole of the early morning rush hour as they are waiting to enter the drive, it makes me jump, which makes Ralph skittish, I sign sorry and rush away mumbling under my breath that I must have looked like a right twit.
Anyway, whatever the problem was with Ralph had gone by the time we arrived home, I did a few household jobs and got ready to face the shops.
Last week I made a terrible job of doing my .com delivery, when it arrived, I think it contained, milk, bread, few tins of beans and some chicken, how I though the three of us were going to manage on that for a whole week I don't know!
So, youngest daughter and I go to Home Bargains first, anything that had the word 'antibacterial' on the label had been stripped from the shelves, so no chance of finding any sanitising hand gel there then! I did managed to buy a couple of packets of flu tablets, but that was it. 
The biggest worry for me, was how slow I was today, Youngest daughter, kept saying 'come on Mum, hurry up' but I just couldn't, I was having a major sensory overload, no panic attack really, but I just seemed to be struggling to process what was around me, if anything I was annoyed with myself. Is this because I have fallen into a safe routine again? and I have stopped going into unfamiliar places? OR is there something wrong? Has my sight deteriorated again? I know one day it is going too, but I'm not ready for that yet. 
My brain is begging my eyes and legs to move quicker, but its like when there is something wrong with a car engine, it goes into a safety mode, well, that's exactly what happened this morning, I went into safety mode!
This is something entirely new, I usually have a full blown panic attack and end up sobbing my heart out, but it didn't happen, alright, I ended up forgetting half the things I went in for, but that's not really a problem.
Next stop #Tesco Baldock, this is where things got interesting, there were no disabled parking bays left, so we parked further away, but walking from the car to the shop felt like I was walking on sponge, making my balance slightly out, pushing the trolley helped. By the time we had got to the veg isle, the daughter had her phone out and was checking things off our list nicely, no one really noticed us, we didn't stand out, we were just regular dudes doing our shopping, then there was this woman...daughter notices her first, this daughter is especially attentive and aware of MY surroundings for me, so she notices that this woman is a bit too close to me so she puts herself in between us and try's to give me a bit more space. 
But as we go along, we somehow get separated, and she ends up looking at the onions whilst I am looking at the carrots, as I turn around to pop the carrots into my trolley, the same woman is so close to me I could smell her breakfast! ….Ohhhhh there's that panic I was talking about, right there! so , it hadn't gone anywhere after all!! I couldn't get away, her trolley was blocking me in, I didn't like whatever she had been eating, then I could feel the daughter at my elbow...safety, the daughter is just about ready to punch this woman right out, BUT I calmly(ish) grab my hand bag and pull out my #Sunflower lanyard. 
The woman instantly backs off like I had just tasered her, puts her head down and scurries off, giving me a wide birth. 
I slip the lanyard over my head, and the world suddenly became a different place, well, Tesco became a different place anyway. Everyone was much more tolerant of me, giving me space and the staff seemed to appear from nowhere with big smiles and acknowledgement of their presence, I wasn't asked out right if I needed help, mostly I assume because I had the Rottweiler daughter at my side, but it didn't matter, I knew they knew, and the difference it made to me was astounding. When we got to the checkout, I was asked if I needed any support at all, and when the long que behind me started to get fussy, the checkout lady was reassuring and didn't attempt to rush me along.
I totally recommend using the lanyard everyone, it really does help, when I did all the trails for it with RNIB, I knew it was a good thing, but didn't realise what a difference it would make to me.
By the time I got home, I was cold and I had a splitting headache, we put away the shopping and I sat on the lounge floor with my back against the radiator, the next thing I remember was waking up face down on the carpet! When I was a kid, my Mum used to say she thought I could sleep anywhere, turns out its true, couple of hours kip on the living room carpet has done me the world of good!! x

 

Stepping over the line

Hello Everyone, Over the last five months, I am sorry to say, writing for Diary of a blind lady has slipped way down my list of priorities, there has been a massive number of reasons for this, some of them simple, some of them so complicated I cant work out what I am feeling!
The last year or so has challenged and pushed me, both mentally and physically, more than I have ever known and I always prided myself in my ability to take what life throws at me and manage it, this period has been different. Once again I have found I am focusing too hard on moving forward and forgetting to look around me as I go. 
The environment in which I work now makes it easy to forget I have a disability, the people I work along side each day do not see me for anything other than someone who wants to work hard, learn and progress.
So, essentially, I've been totally ignoring the fact that I am registered blind, and launching myself into a world of, I dunno, normality I suppose.
Except, I am not normal....actually, what is normal? and who decided what normal is?..anyway, that's a thought for another time.
Over the last two weeks I have passed a first aid exam and acquired my Alcohol licence, these two things have pushed my confidence above and beyond anything I have experienced since becoming someone with a sight impairment. I feel like there is nothing I cant do, well I felt like that right up until yesterday.
Yesterday morning I went to take Ralph for our usual stroll around the village, it was just coming light and was freezing cold, so I quickly defrosted my youngest daughters car for her, clipped Ralphie on his lead and marched off. Anyone who sees me walking on my own will know I always have my head down because I am concentrating on the path, Ralph and anything which might be in my way, so I got a real shock when I lifted my head to cross the road and realised thick dense fog had descended in my 20 minute stroll, I literally couldn't cross the road, I was terrified of walking out in front of a bicycle or a car with no lights on or even an electric car....panic...how am I going to get home???? Sensible brain overtook the panic and I knew it wasn't safe to cross the road, so I turned around and walked back the way I had come, checking the time on my phone I knew a bus was due so I aimed to get to the bus stop near my house and hope that there was someone waiting so I could ask them to help me, luck was on my side and a man was waiting at the bus stop, I asked him to help me cross the road, at first he thought I was joking or taking the mick out of him, but I explained that I just couldn't tell if there was any traffic coming that I couldn't hear, so he crossed me over to the right side of the road, and that was that, I was fighting with myself not to cry, all the gadgets in the world were not going to help me across the road safely yesterday, and although I feel like I am conquering the world for severally sight impaired peoples right to work and to be treated as equals, unfortunately there's always going to be that one thing which stops me and luckily we don't get fog that often!!
Back to my main trail of thoughts, I seem to have drawn a very thick line between being me and being me with a sight impairment, and I have definitely detached myself from being me with a sight impairment, and along with that I have detached myself from everything and everyone that is attached to that, Diary of a blind lady was included, I kept telling myself that I didn't need to write, or talk to others with the same problems, but I do, I miss writing and I miss some of the people I have met along the way, hundreds of people a day are still reading the blogs I have written, I know this because I get notifications, I am astonished by this, and whoever you are, THANK YOU for keeping my blog alive, this has been my very first shot in stepping over the line again in five months, my friends please don't forget me, I'll be back, I'm just not ready to rub the line out yet, I need to learn how to manage them both at the same time.
Much love to you all, keep reading, I'll be back soon xx

UP'S

Hello there everyone. 
As you all know, I am a great believer in 'everything happening for a reason', so when I bumped into a lady while I was shopping the other day, some of her words stuck at the front of my mind.
This lady, is one of the kindest, sweetest ladies I've ever had the pleasure of working alongside, she was a friendly face when I started working at school all those years ago, and she continued to be that happy smiling friendly face right up until the day I left. 
When I saw her...yes, I saw her first, which never happens, I literally don't see anything much when I am in a shop, especially one that I am unfamiliar with, I don't know why, I just knew it was her.
So we had a mini catch up in the middle of New Look, somewhere during the conversation, she mentioned Diary of a blind lady, and how much she enjoyed reading the blogs. This was really lovely to hear, and for a flash I felt proud, until we talked about how I tend only to write when I am stressed or these is a problem. I don't think I ever write when I am happy or things are going well. I realise that over the years I probably have shared more downs than ups with you all. 
This realisation stopped me in my tracks a bit really, I cant really describe how I feel, a mixture of sadness and irritation. I so didn't want to end up whinging and moaning about the things life has dealt me.
SO, I am actually doing really well at the moment! I travelled to Suffolk, all on my own on the train, with no real problems until I got to Ipswich, where if I'd listened properly to the railway employee on the platform, I would have walked up the correct railway bridge bringing me down on the correct platform for my connecting train, but in perfect Lynda style, I stopped listening to him and promptly went to the wrong bridge! No real problems though, because as I stood on a unfamiliar platform wondering where the hell I was, a nice lady came along and said...I bet you are looking for platform 1,...easy as that, she was heading there too, and she was getting off at Woodbridge too!
We had planned that my friends husband would take me home, but I was so confident I did the return journey on my own via the train too!!
Again, no nasty moments occurred and I enjoyed 3 hours travelling through the countryside on the train.
I have joined the Stories Library team at RNIB, London, and will start writing for them at the end of August, I've already have my first interview set up nd am bursting with ideas and contacts. This is very exciting for me, there will be a desk available to me so I can join the team and write from there, but I can also write from home, Which is perfect as I can go into London when it suits me. Writing is something I really love, this is opening a door for me to really get my teeth into writing and proving to myself that this is something else I can do independently. 
My role with Tesco has turned a massive corner too, and I seem to be mastering the art of Stock Control, changing from red to green...took a good eight months, but I did it.
For a while, I was falling behind with housework and gardening, mostly because I fell into a habit of walking in the door at 1.30, making myself lunch and sitting my backside on the sofa and not moving it until it was time to get up and cook tea!! This week I've snapped out of that, I've replanted the tree in my back garden that blew down crushing all my flowers over the stormy weekend, I also got out the ladder and trimmed the tree in my front garden...I'll admit, I'm not sure its the best shaped tree in the world but hey, there is so much more light pouring through the kitchen window. 
I've been  for lunch with some old work mates and made the effort to make time for some of my friends which I kept putting off, only because I was so tired.
So all in all, life isn't so bad at the moment.
This has been the longest amount of time I've been 'well'. I haven't had a day off sick let alone having to rush up to Moorfields with any problems. I know this is something I shouldn't be saying out loud, and certainly something I shouldn't be boasting about. so fingers crossed that it lasts a long long time.
Speak soon xx

Understanding others

Hey everyone, you know, sometimes I hear some things that either drive me mad with frustration or I simply cant get them straight in my head and end up pondering them until my brain is sore! 
Yesterday, I heard two different stories of companies saying there are unable to offer assistance because of the GDP regulations!! What the actual Fudge?!!
It seems to me, some companies bothered to actually read the regulations and took the time to educate their staff while others, well, others simply couldn't be arsed, or maybe they are considered half arsed!! 
Some folks, all with sight impairments go along to a very well known restaurant (now I know I need to use GDP as I am passing on information that isn't mine, and as I wasn't there I cannot say that the information is accurate so I cannot name the company...Principle number 4 (Data Accuracy)) LOL
Its my understanding that GDP is more to do with the way our private information is stored by other companies and assuring that it is not passed on with out our knowledge or agreement. I also understand that the fines for breaching this legislation are MASSIVE! 
Anyhoo, These folks were having a get together, had a fairly average meal I would suspect and asked for the bill at the end. Out of this group of people not one of them had the ability to read the bill so asked for assistance but was refused on ….GDPR grounds!! 
Again, I say ..What the actual Fudge!! So these BIND people sat around their table for another 45 minutes while they tried to sort out their bill!! It appears they were not asking the member of staff to do anything other than read out the items on the bill as none of them could see the print to read it. My first thought was..why didn't they just split the bill between them and then it wouldn't have mattered, but, I know what it is like when you have budgeted how much you can spend and then you end up paying towards three bottles of wine which you didn't drink any of.
What a bloody disgrace though!
HOWEVERRRRRR. After I worked through my anger and concern about how degrading it must have been for the people sitting around the table, I had a little think...I'm going to put the cat amongst the pigeons now...these companies...some of these companies I should say, have in place policies that prevent their staff from assisting people with these little personal activities like paying your bill or having help to access the ATM machine. 
Barclays, have always assisted me with my banking, since they have replaced humans with machines I have real trouble accessing the machines for banking. The business banking counter is still manned by a human but there is always a long queue so I ask for help and they are always more than happy to do so, BUT, If I should go to a supermarket for example and ask if I could have assistance to use either the ATM of the self service machine, would I get the same support?... No probably not, and this is because the law gets murky and people become untrustworthy. If a supermarket could say hand on heart that every single one of their employees would help a blind or disabled person use a cash machine and not risk taking that persons private info, I'm afraid they would be a bit naïve. This works both ways too, if the employer ensures its employees stick to their policies then they are protected from accusations. Its such a crazy world we live in and sadly, even as individuals, we need to think about our actions and what the outcome could be. 
Only last week I saw a elderly lady with her grandchildren, one in a pushchair and a little boy about 5 years old.  She was carrying a ton of shopping and the little boy has picked up some sweets which hadn't been paid for, she was trying to get him to put them back but he was having none of it. it was turning messy, the little child in the push chair was getting grumpy, the shopping was going all over the floor and the little boy was screaming at his Nana that 'HE WAS GOING TO HAVE THE SWEEITES' the poor woman was in a right pickle...so what do I do? Ignore the situation? Do I offer help? Is this going to backfire on me if I ask the lady if she needs help. Do I slap the kids legs and tell him he is horrible to his Nana? (this would defo get me into trouble so I put this thought onto the back burner) in the end I asked her if I could help in anyway and she thanked me but said she felt the only way to move forward from the situation was to give in and buy him the sweeties...despite my brain screaming NOOOOOOOOOOO DONT DO IT!!! my mouth said, well would you like me to stand with the push chair while you pop back inside with your grandson? 
Even though I was incredibly disappointed in this ladies grandparenting skills I was constantly conscious of how quickly the situation could change so although this is not a direct example of how GDP can effect how we work, it is an example of being aware of how to deal with a situation without ending up being accused of suggesting that the little boy needs to learn that if he doesn't do as he is told he is going to spend a lonely afternoon in his bed! 
ATM's are a common place for fraud, a few years ago, a relative ended up having his bank account emptied just be being distracted for a second!
Some people carry a 'I cant wait card' which should allow them to use the toilet anywhere, because, they really cannot wait. I'm sure anyone with this card would rather they didn't have to use it, but the reason for this is that these conditions are unpredictable, but some companies say they cannot honour this because they are not insured! Some years ago when I had an infection in my Colon, I found myself in a clothes shop and needing to use the loo desperately, the shop assistant (even though I don't have a card) immediately showed me to the toilet and busied herself in the corridor until I was finished. On the way out I took more notice and realised that I was walking past the staff room where information was pinned up on a notice board (luckily for them I couldn't see it well enough to read it) but more importantly I was sauntering past a ton of brand new stock! Thousands of pounds worth of designer jeans Just hanging around! That has to be one of the reasons companies don't want you rumbling around in their back store.
The thing is technology is fab if you can use it, and if you cant it suddenly puts you in a uncomfortable position. 
Lets take buying train tickets. I always use the human in the ticket booth, but occasionally the booth is shut, so then I have a dilemma. Years ago they used to have a little red machine called a permit to travel. You could put as little or as much in as you wanted, a little slip would be printed out and you could get on the train knowing you had brought some kind of a ticket and you also knew you would have to pay the rest of the ticket price at the other end of the journey. I am a little fickle and I always check the price of my tickets so when I used the permit to travel I would put in the correct price of the fare! Am I making sense? Since these red machines have been removed I'm a little stuffed. If I get on a train without a ticket I spend the whole journey sitting on the edge of my seat waiting to be confronted by the ticket inspector, I have the exact fare price clutched in my sweaty hand and I feel like I am a criminal! Then when I get to the other end, I have to explain why I didn't buy a ticket, causing more anxiety. The other option is to ask a stranger to help...here we encounter all sorts of problems, are they really buying the ticket I asked for, even though I know how much my ticket should be, I know that sometimes they seem to charge more. Nine times out of ten, they are card only machines, which is ok if you spend less than £30 and use contactless (assuming contactless actually works) otherwise I need to ask for help to know when to put my pin number in, I also sometimes have trouble getting the card in the reader the right way round. The stranger might be a genuine helpful person, or the person might see an whooping great opportunity to relieve me of my hard earned Wonga. 
Anyway, I seem to have gone way off the subject, and I do understand why people would think twice about helping people with their personal stuff, but does any humanity for others come into this at all?
I think this is why I try to think ahead all the time, to avoid situations just like the whole train ticket thing, if I know I need to make a train journey I usually go and buy the ticket a week before, then I know I have it, and part of the stress of doing something on my own is relieved. 
Doing stuff on our own is incredibly valuable, I find I am doing things independently less and less these days. Access to work pay for a taxi to and from my work place. Both my girls drive now so I have a personal lift on tap! And they get a little offended if I say I want to do something on my own. I miss my independence desperately, and life is difficult enough without all the complications of things being inaccessible! 
All that said, today I brought my train ticket from a human behind the glass for my trip to Woodbridge on Thursday....ON MY OWN!! My youngest daughter is already stressing that I wont be able to manage without her constant herding, defending and protecting from the big wide world. When on earth did our roles swap? I'm the Mum and I'm supposed to do all the worrying and bossing! 
I will let you know how I get on regaining a little independence.
Speak Soon xx

Distorted thoughts

I literally have no idea what I was blabbering on about last night, all I know is that the dentist assured me that I wouldn't have any pain once the numbness had worn off....well, POO on you Mr Dentist man, my tooth hurts like hell!!
Today I have struggled to hold myself together, partly because I am niggled with pain but mostly because I am feeling such anger at the injustice of the things we are dealt in our lives. Its SOOOO very important not to compare our lives to others, and to remember that our experiences are our own, there is no-one that has that exact same experience, no-one feels the way you do about it and no-one can put themselves into your shoes.
I hate that from time to time, an event or something will come along and remind me of 'what could have been'.....a completely useless thought, but none the less, these thoughts have crept into my mind and there is no ignoring them until I have processed the way I feel and managed to filter out the damaging thoughts that completely distort my mental health.
So, I wonder what I would be doing if my sight wasn't so poor. I cant help but feel cheated in life, I feel like my brain is fully (ish) functioning but I'm broken so I will never be able to work at my full capacity. And that's not bloody fair! 
Don't get me wrong, I totally understand that everyone finds themselves thinking in this kind of way, I have two friends, one whose Mum passed away recently and has been left juggling home life, work and her broken father. the other friend, lost her Daughter many years ago, each of these ladies must wonder what could have been, and I feel incredible empathy for my friends. BUT at this moment my grief feels enormous, time is supposed to be a healer, frankly, that's crap. We fold all our thoughts and feelings away into little boxes in our brains, we learn to live with these boxes. We accept they are there and always treat them with respect for fear of the boxes falling over and all the contents come spilling out all over our nice straight forward lives. 
My boxes feel like they have been knocked over and stamped on! The trouble is, I am one to focus on what is happening in the present, so the past is, well, its the past, so when an event for example pops up and causes me to remember the past, things I might add which are happy memories, I some how manage to distort those happy memories into dark ones by remembering what my sight was like before, and then end up comparing then to now....are you all still with me?
All this thinking business drastically upsets my mood, and I just feel sad. Sad and angry. So, I sink into a not really wanting to talk to anyone mode while I let the memories flood back and I try to pop them back into their boxes once I have straightened them out a little.
This process, I've noticed. gets harder each time, and I think it is because I don't really know how much I am capable of. There is no line or barrier which says 'Lynda, You cannot pass beyond this barrier, so turn back and just stay in the safe zone'...so how do I know what to aim for?
I do know how lucky I am but, today, it doesn't stop me wanting to know what I would be doing today if I could see better Somethings, I suppose were always going to happen, but what about the other things like driving and the job I have.
And just like that, one box is picked up and packed away....as I wrote about my job in the last sentence, faces popped into my head, faces of the people I work alongside and faces of some of the customers, and I smiled! A big fat stupid smile as I think about a stupid conversation that was had this afternoon while putting out a soft drinks cage. Suddenly I feel like I've brought myself back to the present just by talking to you!
Earlier, I stood looking at the rain hammering on my front garden and thought about all the times I had mown the lawn until it had to be taken up because I kept mowing over the electrical cord....What I wasn't seeing was this...

I did that!! Well, the plants did the growing themselves, but I dug up all the grass, replaced it with shingle and planted all these plants from the bargain bench at my local garden centre!

I am not daft enough to think correcting any form of mental health is as easy as that, but we all function differently, I loose my way from time to time, and become fixated on the negatives, but I'm aware that I am doing this, I suppose in a way its a kind of self harm, I want to feel that pain and grief because I should, because I must remember that I was once a sighted person and that I have been CHEATED out of having a normal life!!

I wonder what sort of a normal sighted person I would have been! Maybe I would have been a brain surgeon (lets be realistic) maybe I could have had a driving job OR maybe I could have progressed to being a higher level teaching assistant in the job I loved, maybe I could have been a pilot!

But would I be the person I am today? I certainly wouldn't be sitting here writing to you and I certainly wouldn't have met some inspiring and wonderful people through a charity that I probably wouldn't have taken a second glance at. 

Maybe being me isn't so bad after all! Maybe I should take all of those special little memories and take them for exactly what they are...MY memories, no-one else's.

..MINE...and no-one, no matter what they say or think can remove those memories.

Well, now I've had a good cry and my contact lenses are all foggy I suppose I should go and get ready for ladies night at the swimming pool, after all, no matter how shitty we feel, life has this habit of carrying on without you, so I feel I have two choices, be sucked back or keep a step ahead....betchya cant guess which way I'm heading?....Tomorrow is a new day. Speak soon x

Tooth ache

Afternoon all!
As I am sitting here waiting for the swelling to go down in my face, I thought I'd drop you a line or two!
Tooth ache descended two days ago, and as most of us do, I totally ignored it, took a shed load of painkillers and hoped it would go away. Unfortunately it didn't, and after having what I can only describe as 'proper tooth ache' a couple of years ago and ending up in hospital having morphine squeezed into my system, I am more than aware that if tooth ache doesn't go away within a couple of days, then I need to get my backside to the dentist asap!
I changed dentist surgeries about 18 months ago, not because there was anything wrong with the actual dentistry I was receiving, but because the receptionists were like a group of Rottweilers that had been starved for a month! 
The receptionists at the new dentists must have gone to a completely different school of 'how to be a receptionist' because they are super lovely. They have it on my notes that I am RSS and therefore always help me fill in forms without and arguments, they always explain where the examination room is...instead of barking that I need to go wait upstairs in waiting room one!
The dentist is a young chap, with lovely black scribbly hair and a gentle manner. My emergency appointment today found that I've a tooth which has died and is now causing nerve damage.  
I recon the biggest mistake I make when I go to the dentist, is looking at the size of the bloody needle!!
Even when the dentist says....'just a small scratch'.... I'm lying there thinking, 'how the hell will something that size make nothing more than a small scratch!' 
Anyway, the tooth has been drilled and packed, next week I've an appointment to have the tooth removed
Tooth ache makes me grumpy, I hate everyone and it makes me feel crappy. I am annoyed that having a simple normal thing like tooth ache, can make me feel so tired, why is it that the smallest change takes time to adjust. 
Its like hay fever, lets talk about hay fever!!
If you are a contact lens wearer, you will understand the irritation of the snotty film that forms across the lens, rubbing, scratching and itching just spreads the snotty pollen into a different position on the surface of the lens. I don't ever remember having hay fever as a child, in fact I'm sure I only started with it last year. Why do some people really suffer and others don't? 
I mean, I don't really 'suffer' but the snotty stuff just distorts the little vision I have, I recon I must take my contacts out about twenty times a day, clean them and put them back in again, only for them to snot back up again a few minutes later!!
PLUS, I recon its worse after its been raining. I though the rain was supposed to dampen down the pollen.
Right, enough moaning! I can feel my tongue slightly, which is good because I'm starving!
Its crazy really, I'm sure I must have looked and sounded hilarious, constantly dribbling and talking like I've got a mouth full of marshmallow! 
I'm off to cook my microwave meal which I chose specifically because its soft and there's not too much chewing involved, there is nothing worse than biting your tongue while you're numbed up, then when it wears off you've got one hell of a sore tongue.
Anyways, I'm off to enjoy my chicken korma.
Speak real soon x

exploring the 4x4!

Do you ever get those days where you don't seem to have gotten anywhere? Time has been ahead for me all day, I made a list of jobs that I must get done today and out of the fifteen things that were on it, six have gone onto tomorrows list! 
Anyway, writing was on the list, so here I am!
As promised, Just a little blog on the 4x4 driving experience day!!!!!
Thursday night I got myself all prepared for an early start the next day and decided to have a earlyish night, went to lock my front door and my keys were missing, a casual look through my bag soon turned into a frantic hunt, tipping the contents all over the kitchen table, and searching in the same places ten times just in case it had magically appeared!
Mentally retracing my steps I realised the last time I had them was at work and that's exactly where they still were. This meant my meticulously planned morning had to be re jigged to include a trip to work to retrieve my keys. 
So, My plans had to be moved forward an hour and 5am Friday morning found me walking Ralph over the fields, although I have to say, that time of the morning is very beautiful, and Ralph was happy to sit and watch the deer and rabbits!...NOT, the crazy bloody dog was chasing the poor animals all round the fields, with me screaming at him to come back like some crazy woman, then he decided it would be a great idea to roll around in fox poo, he comes running up to me with this stupid flappy grin on his face, all pleased with him self..'smell that Mum, don't I smell fab'....no, you actually smell like you have been living in the bottom of a food waste bin for the last three weeks! I suppose the only consolation was that there's no-one else about that time of the morning, so the only person that he shared the smell with was me!!
I had to pick up the train from Hitchin instead of Arlesey, but it didn't seem to be a problem and I was let through the gates, found myself a seat on the platform and sat relaxing in the sun.
The train from Hitchin to Cambridge was on time and I was quite shocked to find there were plenty of places to sit. I arrived into Cambridge about 7 minutes before my friends train was due in and about 14 minutes before our connecting train to Thetford would leave. The train was already at the platform and again finding a seat was easy! Once my friend and I were settled in our seats the journey to Thetford just flew by as we chatted and nattered. 
Once at Thetford we were met by Malcolm! Now, Malcolm is in charge of the 4x4 experience days, but, just flipping back a minute, So all the while we were travelling we were two blind ladies, no one really interacted with us, we immediately accepted each others disability and tuned into the level of assistance each of us needed and just got on with it. But, when Malcolm met us, I noticed something I hadn't before. I feel a little ignorant that I haven't thought of this before. 
Malcolm leaps out of his 4x4 in the car park, introduces himself and chats about the programme of the day. It was all very normal, until he asks us to get in the car, the three of us make our way to the car/truck thingy, (three because a young man had joined us) and there, as my two fellow blind people went to put themselves into the truck, I held back ever so slightly and saw Malcolm have a awkward moment where he didn't know how much help to offer. In that second I saw 'politically correct' (or disability correct) flash across his face..how much support do I offer...I don't want to offend...is it ok to touch the persons arm to help them in the truck....etc
Suddenly I am looking at sighted folks in a whole different light. How difficult is it for regular people to know what we need? Talk about treading on egg shells! and then I saw relief in his body language as Brad had jumped in the front passenger seat and Suzanne had nipped around the truck to get in the back seat beside me, leaving Malcolm still standing on the tarmac, the trip to the Elveden Estate was nice and relaxed as I think Malcolm had worked out that we didn't consider our disability to disable us in any way!
Anyway, my excitement was level 10000 and after we had had our breakfast at the on site restaurant I was ready to rumble. We had a de-brief and as there was 11 of us blindies driving, they take two couples in two trucks. 
Who wants to go first.....ohhh hell yeah, that'll be meeee!
I was paired up with Suzanne and I know she wont mind me telling you that watching and feeling her elation at being able to drive again was almost as wonderful as my own experience behind the wheel. Suzanne had been told to send her driving licence back to DVLA two years ago, although I had driving lessons in my teens, Ive never been able to drive so I think we both experienced completely different emotions. 
I absolutely loved it, I couldn't see beyond the bonnet, but the instructor was so good I didn't feel at all worried. The truck was automatic so no bothering about changing gear, just concentrate on the accelerator and steering. It was strange because the first thing I did was check my mirrors, not that I could see out of them, its just a process that all learner drivers learn, and I hadn't forgotten it.
For me, I was ecstatic that I had been driving around farm tracks and through a forest, and at the end I felt happy but sad that this wasn't 'real' I will never be able to drive.
For Suzanne, it was very emotional, a skill which she had lost, been taken from her. The day must have been so much harder for drivers, for us non drivers it was great fun, but I cant grieve over something I've never had!
It wasn't just the driving that made the day so special, I met some really incredible and inspiring people, plus, it turned out that my youngest was taking her driving test exactly the same time that I had my half hour driving, and she passed!!
An amazing day all round. The journey home I kept sighing with satisfaction and I had the biggest smile pinned to my face! In fact the smile hasn't worn off yet. Saturday I was so tired, I am always astounded by how much travelling exhausts me so travelling and driving all in one day was too much concentration, no wonder I was passed out on the sofa early afternoon, thus the reason none of my jobs have been done.
If anyone fancies a 4x4 Experience day. Contact Malcolm via email at Explore 4x4 experience days, Elveden Estate, Norfolk.

HUGE thanks to Suzanne and Warren for organising this event 💖