Just being Blind

WOW, that was lucky!!

My laptop did a 'clean up' thingy and completely wiped all my info, I don't ever write any passwords down, I usually just press 'forgot password' and make a new one, but this had even cleared all my email addresses, my blog email is different from my every day one, and I just couldn't remember it! I must have tried about 50 different combinations of words that I thought it might be and I was starting to think I had lost the whole blog, then yesterday, standing in front of the polo mints at work, I was talking to one of our temps, and BOOM, there it was, it popped right into my mind, as clear as day, absolutely no bloody clue what the password was, but hey, there's a way around that, so, here I am....back again!!

You'll be pleased to hear my Teabag stains have almost vanished, thanks to my magic cream applied twice a day!

It been a strange couple of weeks, my sister-in-law returned to her house on the top of a mountain in Spain last week, I am so pleased she is there safe and sound, because its such a beautiful place, but its triggered me into some very deep thinking. ...….like, Up there, on her hot and dusty mountain, she has solitude, I know not everyone likes their own company, but that is something we very much have in common, I miss having time to myself, just to sit quietly, no telly, no one asking me what I am doing sitting quietly, I admire her confidence but I am also envious.

And then I wonder if my craving to want to be somewhere quietly sitting on my own is a sign that I am either doing to much or that I am ready to stop or slow down the craziness of my life. I mean when and how will I know when I am too blind to do stuff. Obviously, I am wayyyyy to blind to ride my bike anymore, and that used to be my solitude, my peace, my healing if you like, from the day, the transition from work to home gave me chance to process my work, and clear my mind, ready to cope and manage whatever I walked into when I got home...Ie, a shit ton of washing, and mountain of washing up, cos no one seems to understand how to load a dishwasher, operated a washing machine or push a hoover around.

These days are so different, I spend nine hours of my day thinking about the best and quickest way to do things, thinking about my team and customers while trying to disregard the fact that half the time I cant see bugger all, and things often take me twice as long as a sighted person. I'm then driven home and delivered at my front door, where the whole process of being a mum, dog walker, cleaner and partner starts off again

 I'm scared that I will become too blind to do my role at work and not realise it. This week has been challenging to say the least, and I know I've made some mistakes, and everyone makes mistakes sometimes for all different reasons. 

So, why am I doubting my ability? It could be that I stood at my bedroom window the other day looking out at the back gardens, when I noticed a big black cat sitting in my neighbours garden, So I yelled to daughter number 1 to come and look at the big cat, Daughter number 1 comes running in and leaps on my bed to look out of the window at the 'cat'.....where Mum?...look, there, just sitting by the table in the garden......its a garden chair Mum!!…….oh! Shit, I thought it was a cat....

So, there's been a couple of occasions this week where I've got stuff completely wrong. Am I thinking too much into this? 

I think the trouble is, no one understands my absolute elation when I get something right, or how incredibly low it makes me feel when I get something wrong, when I get something right, I'm like...ohhh helll yeah, I did that on my own, even though my sight is crap....but getting something wrong, triggers this whole...if only I could see a bit better then I would have stood a better chance of getting that thing right!!

Then I start feeling sorry for myself, and then that's when I crave sitting on the side of a mountain in Spain with my sister-in-law because, if there is one woman in this world who understands, it is gonna be her.

This weeks deep thinking trigger was a young woman who came into the shop looking for Tonic water, she was tottering around excitedly talking loudly to anyone who would listen about how she was JUST BEING SOOOOO BLIND because she hadn't seen the Tonic water and it was in front of her this whole time.......what the hell does that even mean???

Why do we say that? Why?

 If we cant see something why do we say we are just being blind, Just being blind isn't something that we can put JUST in front of, other than that you are not bloody blind, you are JUST too bloody lazy to look properly and ask someone to help you, and then say you are just being blind as if that's some kind of bloody excuse! 

This usually doesn't bother me, but I was really offended by the giggly way this woman was almost suggesting that someone who is blind wouldn't be able to find a bloody bottle of Tonic water on the shelf, Luckily for this woman, the wonderful young man I was working with, whisked this woman off to pay for the said bottle of Tonic water before I punched her on the nose.....for your information, before you stereotype blindness, I think you will find that a person with a visual impairment is way more likely to find something on the shelf, because we look properly, we think about what we are looking for and wouldn't even think about looking for Tonic water in the bread isle, we are methodical in thinking, yeah, ok, we might not be able to read the label underneath the product, so we rely on you sighted folks to match the product with the correct label, but don't ever think you can use the excuse of just being blind because you can't find something, try using your common sense, cos that something most of us have blind or not!

I'm ranting now, I hear people say it ten times a day! you wouldn't swear at someone and then say ohhh sorry, I'm just being like I've got Tourettes syndrome would you?

Plus it makes a mockery of me, I spend most if not all my time covering up the fact that my sight is very poor and ignoring the fact that I will eventually loose it completely, so IF I couldn't find something and had to ask for help, I would avoid admitting the reason for this is that I am blind.

Like I say it doesn't usually bother me at all, so I don't really understand why I let it upset me so much, maybe she made me feel a bit useless, but I know my brain more than makes up for what my eyes don't see!

The last three months at Tesco has caused us to meet people and form relationships and bonds with people we might never have met, customers and staff. The bond we have as a team has become very strong, and I appreciate every single moment I have spent with our little Tesco team, they never ever see me as anything else that ME, they tolerate my mistakes and eat my cakes, whatever happens next, I will always think about the COVID19 of 2000 with fondness of the fun we had filling shelves to feed the nation, you are fab Team H.

Right, I've gotta go take my little hairy bestie for a walk...speak sooonnn xx

Tea Bags

Back again! I've got to say I am feeling a bit cranky today, no-one seems to understand the effort it takes just to get up in the mornings sometimes, and then all it takes is one negative encounter and BOOM, you're sent scuttling into the safety of home.

A few weeks ago (when the sun was actually shinning and I sat in the garden with a small strappy top on trying to catch some rays) my daughter noticed some brown splodges on my skin, they look a lot like tea stains, since then literally about fifty times a day at least one of the daughters is asking me if I have rung the doctors about my splodges...NOOOOO I haven't....Do you know how difficult it is to get to see a doctor??

Eventually I ring the surgery, I request an appointment....at the moment we are only providing telephone appointments, the doctor will ring you tomorrow between 8am and 12. 

The following day, said doctor rings me and asks what the problem is, I try to explain that it looks a lot like someone has been throwing wet teabags at my chest...he ignores me and asks if I pay for my prescriptions.....errrr what's that got to do with my teabag situation.....No, I do not pay for my prescriptions.....in that case, go to the chemist and ask them.

He then tries to dismiss me, but I also need a repeat prescription for a different aliment, so I get a sigh and a ok, I will send it to the chemist, Goodbye, I'm left staring at the screen of my phone as it turns back to the photo of Ralph I have on my home screen.

Mate, You cant catch Corona virus down the bloody phone line, the more I thought about it the more irritated I became, So, Its ok for me to go join the que at the chemist, lift my T shirt up in the middle of the shop for half of the bloody village to inspect my Teabags, But its not ok to actually have a doctor look at it, why is he any more at risk than anyone else? Why are the doctors not seeing anyone? How much did he get paid for 30 seconds on the phone to tell me to bog off down the chemist?

I know my teabag thing is probably just a skin complaint, but I bet if I google it, its gonna be some rare disease and I'm gonna be dead in the next 24 hours......how many people are ignoring symptoms of something bigger because they know the doctors are on lock down?

Its ok though, cos next week you'll be able to stand shoulder to shoulder with people in Primark and all touch the same clothes!

The 'real' NHS workers are over stretched, while Mr Doctor down the road causally passes the buck onto whoever is nearest.

Anyway, the following day, off I go to the local chemist, outside the shop is a little wooden table with a sign propped up saying...well, saying something, cos no one thinks about the fact that some people cant read small print, so I hover around the wooden table as I feel the massive knot in my stomach start to rise as I have no idea if I am supposed to wait outside, then I hear...COME IN...being barked at me, I assume its me anyway as I don't have anyone else standing with or near me, so, in I go...how can I help.....so I explain about my teabag problem and that Mr Doctor down the road had told me to bring my teabags into a public area so that the village can gossip that I have been having kinky sex with some teabags. Silence... Mr Chemist steps forward, and apologies for Mr Doctor, leads me into a little room and looks at my teabags from a distance and recons he has some cream for that!

I come out of the little room, by which time two other people were in the shop and about five were standing outside, I buy my cream from the lady behind the screen and just as I am about to turn to leave I remember I also had a prescription to pick up, with a sigh the lady behind the screen finds my prescription and asks if I pay for it.....No, I do not pay for it.....Well, tick the relevant box and pushes the slip under the space in the screen, since I am on my own I explain that I cannot read the slip so I will need help, well you would have thought I had taken a bite of her cream cake....I CANT DO THAT! well, my lovely lady, if you want me to tick the bloody box you are going to have to show me where it is, or tick it for me! Silence again and I can feel her staring at me though the screen daring me to refuse to tick the box, So I take a little step forward and point to the bright yellow badge I wear on my work uniform which says I have a sight impairment, and say I'm sorry, but I literally cant see where or what box needs to be ticked.

The next minute, the chemist man was around the side of the desk quicker than a whippet, snatched the prescription off the lady behind the screen, quietly asked me which category box I fitted into and filled it in for me, he then slapped it back on the counter by which time the lady behind the desk had already expressed her sorryness about fifty times to which I was saying its fine, and the chemist man was saying its not fine! The chemist man helped me out of the shop and I stood quietly for a minute trying to calm the big ball of whatever it is that makes my heart beat faster and my eyes want to leak big fat tears. In the back ground I could her the lady telling the chemist she was sorry, but he was like, you are here to help, it doesn't matter if that person has a disability or not, it could be something you cant see, if someone asks for help...you help, we are here to help each other out. 

Yesterday, I had to push myself to get out of bed, Yesterday I couldn't go out on my own, Yesterday I couldn't face the supermarket, Yesterday I didn't get dressed, and that is all it takes, one tiny negative encounter, be careful how we respond to each other out there guys, you never know how your reaction to a situation will affect that person.

Take care and speak soon x

 

Lockdown

Hello there! 
What a very strange few months it has been! I have found myself caught up in a cycle of working and sleeping, leaving very little time to actually think about what is going on in the world, life has felt like a scene played out from a film...a very long film!
Seven weeks ago I was happily getting to grips with my new role at work, enjoying the challenges and loving learning new things, propelling me into a new and confident place that as you will all know, has been a long time coming from the awful time I was having before.
As things stand at the moment I am seeing this lockdown from three different perspectives
1, Someone working in a supermarket (front line as it is called)
2, A parent of a daughter working in the NHS, completely on the front line.
3, As someone with sight loss, or a disability.
So, seven weeks ago, I was trotting along in a flowery world of not really having too much to worry about, I could walk Ralph whenever I wanted, I could go visit my Mum when I liked and I was making plans to catch up with friends and family that I hadn't seen for ages, Yes, there was a rumble on the news about a virus, but...dont panic....as someone working in a supermarket, I can tell you, I have never seen such panic, greed and chaos in all my life, on one Sunday morning I opened the doors to hoards of people, they were literally taking things off from the delivery lorry as it was being pulled in, the shelves were stripped, and we just couldn't keep up, that week I felt ashamed to be breathing the same air as some of these people, the team were exhausted, but the public didn't care....they needed to buy 300 toilet rolls, 100 packs of pasta, 20,000 eggs, 20 ton of flour, 40,000 fags..ohhh and dont forget the 60,000 bottle of wine!!
From our perspective, we knew deliveries were still coming in, but the public got caught up in a media panic, and quite frankly, were bloody horrible to be serving!
I didnt stock-pile, mostly because I was spending so much time filling shelves for everyone else to do it, and it wasnt until guidelines were put into place that things started to calm, we hit our customers hard, with only 5 people in store at once, only 3 items per person and a one way system, this worked, the shelves were getting filled and shoppers became much nicer, we still get the odd ignorant soul, but most folks are happy with the arrangment.
Anyway, with all this full on shopping craziness, I found myself getting more and more irritated with people moaning about being stuck at home, bored, they can only go out once a day, theres nothing to do...when is this going to end!!
I just wanted to scream, just come and spend half a day with us, I would give anything for my daughters and I to be sat safely at home right now, everyday my youngest goes to work in a hospital, eveyday I worry she is going to become ill, or I am going to become ill and pass it to her...but hey, thats ok, so long as I am still part of a team providing the essential news paper or single bottle of water to the public, shame people arent thinking of the bigger picture....you come in for your bottle of water, you are a carrier, you pass it to me, I pass it to my daughter who then passes it to your pregnant wife who has gone to the hospital for a scan....come on people LISTEN, if you want life to return to normal, you have to follow the rules.
To have just 5 people in  the shop for me has been great, I struggle with social distancing because I cant see how far away people are, so I suspect I am usually to close, from my disability point of view, this is going to be a massive set back for me, I already am finding that out of work, which is extemely familar for me, I cant go into other shops on my own, the new rules mean that shops have new layouts, I cant tell a memeber of staff from a member of public because at 2 metres everyone is a black shadow to me, the thought of getting on a bus or a train fills me full of anxiousness. I can feel myself being locked into a world of only feeling safe in two places and having to rely on my family for help. I am putting on a very brave face at the moment, but I am so scared of what will happen when the lockdown is lifted, I suppose I will have to start all over again, learn to cope on public transport, remembering that there will be more cars on the road, so I need to be more careful crossing. On the very odd occasion I do go out to do some shopping, I have someone with me but I am also relying alot on the sunflower lanyard.
All this said, I had a realisation last night, I sat quietly and tried to think about what it would be like if my lockdown was the same as all the people saying they are bored....anyone who knows me will know I am a outdoors kind of girl, I cant and wont sit still, so I do have empathy and I do understand, but people are dying and we must follow rules, so I must leave you now and go get ready for another shift.
Speak Soon and stay safe xx

Sunflower Lanyard

What a strange day its been, Its been one of those days that, luckily, I don't get very often. 
I didn't sleep very well, so I was glad that it was my day off. 
Literally, from the minute I sat up in bed and opened my eyes I was irritated, I felt around on my bedside table for my glasses, knocked them and they went flying off onto the floor, I then spent the next twenty minutes with my backside in the air as I dangled over the side of the bed patting the carpet with my hand trying to feel for my precious specs, how the hell they ended up right under the bed I will never know!
Once my specs were safely positioned on my face I found my contact lens case, and the usual contact lens application procedure commenced, same thing every day for the last 35 years, today, same as every day, I unscrew the pot, put the pot with the solution in on the bedside draws, and balance my specs and  the little cage thingy that holds my contact lenses on the duvet, always the right eye first, my brain cant cope if the left one goes in first, so I have the little lens balanced on my finger ready to insert, and its gone, panic and irritation are never a good mix, for some strange reason, I thought I had put my specs on the bedside draws so I automatically put my hand out, knocking the pot of solution everywhere, nothing I can do about that right then, but there is no way i am ever going to find my lost lens with out any bloody sight at all, panic is still rising, then I remember my specs are on the duvet, so I very carefully feel around for them, once they were back on my face, I was able to gently search for the lens, another 20 minutes of my life I wont get back, but hey, at least I found the little bugger. Once both lenses were safely in my eyes, I turn to inspect the bedside draw spillage, only to find the solution dripping off the top straight onto the electrical extension lead, grabbing the first thing to hand (which happened to be a pair of knickers) I mopped up the solution, no real damage done, what I didn't notice was my phone sitting in a pool of solution on top of the draws!!
I suppose really that was a sign that I should stay in bed for the rest of the day, but NOOOOO, its my day off and I got STUFF I need to do. 
Even walking Ralph was harder than usual, on our usual route, and I am concentrating on him so hard as he kept doing this odd thing, putting his ears back and tail tucked under his bum, and trying to walk in between my legs, so I stop and pay him some attention, as most dog owners would, I gave him a fuss and a whole five minute conversation on what he thought the problem might be and how I was going to help him, but I wasn't going to carry him, because he is NOT a puppy, he is a big boy....bla, bla, bla. Then I feel someone watching me, something isn't right, the traffic has stopped, and I can hear idle engines, right on que, as I'm starting to come out of the world of Ralph, a horn beeps and another, turns out I am standing right in the middle of some ones drive, they are holding up the whole of the early morning rush hour as they are waiting to enter the drive, it makes me jump, which makes Ralph skittish, I sign sorry and rush away mumbling under my breath that I must have looked like a right twit.
Anyway, whatever the problem was with Ralph had gone by the time we arrived home, I did a few household jobs and got ready to face the shops.
Last week I made a terrible job of doing my .com delivery, when it arrived, I think it contained, milk, bread, few tins of beans and some chicken, how I though the three of us were going to manage on that for a whole week I don't know!
So, youngest daughter and I go to Home Bargains first, anything that had the word 'antibacterial' on the label had been stripped from the shelves, so no chance of finding any sanitising hand gel there then! I did managed to buy a couple of packets of flu tablets, but that was it. 
The biggest worry for me, was how slow I was today, Youngest daughter, kept saying 'come on Mum, hurry up' but I just couldn't, I was having a major sensory overload, no panic attack really, but I just seemed to be struggling to process what was around me, if anything I was annoyed with myself. Is this because I have fallen into a safe routine again? and I have stopped going into unfamiliar places? OR is there something wrong? Has my sight deteriorated again? I know one day it is going too, but I'm not ready for that yet. 
My brain is begging my eyes and legs to move quicker, but its like when there is something wrong with a car engine, it goes into a safety mode, well, that's exactly what happened this morning, I went into safety mode!
This is something entirely new, I usually have a full blown panic attack and end up sobbing my heart out, but it didn't happen, alright, I ended up forgetting half the things I went in for, but that's not really a problem.
Next stop #Tesco Baldock, this is where things got interesting, there were no disabled parking bays left, so we parked further away, but walking from the car to the shop felt like I was walking on sponge, making my balance slightly out, pushing the trolley helped. By the time we had got to the veg isle, the daughter had her phone out and was checking things off our list nicely, no one really noticed us, we didn't stand out, we were just regular dudes doing our shopping, then there was this woman...daughter notices her first, this daughter is especially attentive and aware of MY surroundings for me, so she notices that this woman is a bit too close to me so she puts herself in between us and try's to give me a bit more space. 
But as we go along, we somehow get separated, and she ends up looking at the onions whilst I am looking at the carrots, as I turn around to pop the carrots into my trolley, the same woman is so close to me I could smell her breakfast! ….Ohhhhh there's that panic I was talking about, right there! so , it hadn't gone anywhere after all!! I couldn't get away, her trolley was blocking me in, I didn't like whatever she had been eating, then I could feel the daughter at my elbow...safety, the daughter is just about ready to punch this woman right out, BUT I calmly(ish) grab my hand bag and pull out my #Sunflower lanyard. 
The woman instantly backs off like I had just tasered her, puts her head down and scurries off, giving me a wide birth. 
I slip the lanyard over my head, and the world suddenly became a different place, well, Tesco became a different place anyway. Everyone was much more tolerant of me, giving me space and the staff seemed to appear from nowhere with big smiles and acknowledgement of their presence, I wasn't asked out right if I needed help, mostly I assume because I had the Rottweiler daughter at my side, but it didn't matter, I knew they knew, and the difference it made to me was astounding. When we got to the checkout, I was asked if I needed any support at all, and when the long que behind me started to get fussy, the checkout lady was reassuring and didn't attempt to rush me along.
I totally recommend using the lanyard everyone, it really does help, when I did all the trails for it with RNIB, I knew it was a good thing, but didn't realise what a difference it would make to me.
By the time I got home, I was cold and I had a splitting headache, we put away the shopping and I sat on the lounge floor with my back against the radiator, the next thing I remember was waking up face down on the carpet! When I was a kid, my Mum used to say she thought I could sleep anywhere, turns out its true, couple of hours kip on the living room carpet has done me the world of good!! x

 

Stepping over the line

Hello Everyone, Over the last five months, I am sorry to say, writing for Diary of a blind lady has slipped way down my list of priorities, there has been a massive number of reasons for this, some of them simple, some of them so complicated I cant work out what I am feeling!
The last year or so has challenged and pushed me, both mentally and physically, more than I have ever known and I always prided myself in my ability to take what life throws at me and manage it, this period has been different. Once again I have found I am focusing too hard on moving forward and forgetting to look around me as I go. 
The environment in which I work now makes it easy to forget I have a disability, the people I work along side each day do not see me for anything other than someone who wants to work hard, learn and progress.
So, essentially, I've been totally ignoring the fact that I am registered blind, and launching myself into a world of, I dunno, normality I suppose.
Except, I am not normal....actually, what is normal? and who decided what normal is?..anyway, that's a thought for another time.
Over the last two weeks I have passed a first aid exam and acquired my Alcohol licence, these two things have pushed my confidence above and beyond anything I have experienced since becoming someone with a sight impairment. I feel like there is nothing I cant do, well I felt like that right up until yesterday.
Yesterday morning I went to take Ralph for our usual stroll around the village, it was just coming light and was freezing cold, so I quickly defrosted my youngest daughters car for her, clipped Ralphie on his lead and marched off. Anyone who sees me walking on my own will know I always have my head down because I am concentrating on the path, Ralph and anything which might be in my way, so I got a real shock when I lifted my head to cross the road and realised thick dense fog had descended in my 20 minute stroll, I literally couldn't cross the road, I was terrified of walking out in front of a bicycle or a car with no lights on or even an electric car....panic...how am I going to get home???? Sensible brain overtook the panic and I knew it wasn't safe to cross the road, so I turned around and walked back the way I had come, checking the time on my phone I knew a bus was due so I aimed to get to the bus stop near my house and hope that there was someone waiting so I could ask them to help me, luck was on my side and a man was waiting at the bus stop, I asked him to help me cross the road, at first he thought I was joking or taking the mick out of him, but I explained that I just couldn't tell if there was any traffic coming that I couldn't hear, so he crossed me over to the right side of the road, and that was that, I was fighting with myself not to cry, all the gadgets in the world were not going to help me across the road safely yesterday, and although I feel like I am conquering the world for severally sight impaired peoples right to work and to be treated as equals, unfortunately there's always going to be that one thing which stops me and luckily we don't get fog that often!!
Back to my main trail of thoughts, I seem to have drawn a very thick line between being me and being me with a sight impairment, and I have definitely detached myself from being me with a sight impairment, and along with that I have detached myself from everything and everyone that is attached to that, Diary of a blind lady was included, I kept telling myself that I didn't need to write, or talk to others with the same problems, but I do, I miss writing and I miss some of the people I have met along the way, hundreds of people a day are still reading the blogs I have written, I know this because I get notifications, I am astonished by this, and whoever you are, THANK YOU for keeping my blog alive, this has been my very first shot in stepping over the line again in five months, my friends please don't forget me, I'll be back, I'm just not ready to rub the line out yet, I need to learn how to manage them both at the same time.
Much love to you all, keep reading, I'll be back soon xx

UP'S

Hello there everyone. 
As you all know, I am a great believer in 'everything happening for a reason', so when I bumped into a lady while I was shopping the other day, some of her words stuck at the front of my mind.
This lady, is one of the kindest, sweetest ladies I've ever had the pleasure of working alongside, she was a friendly face when I started working at school all those years ago, and she continued to be that happy smiling friendly face right up until the day I left. 
When I saw her...yes, I saw her first, which never happens, I literally don't see anything much when I am in a shop, especially one that I am unfamiliar with, I don't know why, I just knew it was her.
So we had a mini catch up in the middle of New Look, somewhere during the conversation, she mentioned Diary of a blind lady, and how much she enjoyed reading the blogs. This was really lovely to hear, and for a flash I felt proud, until we talked about how I tend only to write when I am stressed or these is a problem. I don't think I ever write when I am happy or things are going well. I realise that over the years I probably have shared more downs than ups with you all. 
This realisation stopped me in my tracks a bit really, I cant really describe how I feel, a mixture of sadness and irritation. I so didn't want to end up whinging and moaning about the things life has dealt me.
SO, I am actually doing really well at the moment! I travelled to Suffolk, all on my own on the train, with no real problems until I got to Ipswich, where if I'd listened properly to the railway employee on the platform, I would have walked up the correct railway bridge bringing me down on the correct platform for my connecting train, but in perfect Lynda style, I stopped listening to him and promptly went to the wrong bridge! No real problems though, because as I stood on a unfamiliar platform wondering where the hell I was, a nice lady came along and said...I bet you are looking for platform 1,...easy as that, she was heading there too, and she was getting off at Woodbridge too!
We had planned that my friends husband would take me home, but I was so confident I did the return journey on my own via the train too!!
Again, no nasty moments occurred and I enjoyed 3 hours travelling through the countryside on the train.
I have joined the Stories Library team at RNIB, London, and will start writing for them at the end of August, I've already have my first interview set up nd am bursting with ideas and contacts. This is very exciting for me, there will be a desk available to me so I can join the team and write from there, but I can also write from home, Which is perfect as I can go into London when it suits me. Writing is something I really love, this is opening a door for me to really get my teeth into writing and proving to myself that this is something else I can do independently. 
My role with Tesco has turned a massive corner too, and I seem to be mastering the art of Stock Control, changing from red to green...took a good eight months, but I did it.
For a while, I was falling behind with housework and gardening, mostly because I fell into a habit of walking in the door at 1.30, making myself lunch and sitting my backside on the sofa and not moving it until it was time to get up and cook tea!! This week I've snapped out of that, I've replanted the tree in my back garden that blew down crushing all my flowers over the stormy weekend, I also got out the ladder and trimmed the tree in my front garden...I'll admit, I'm not sure its the best shaped tree in the world but hey, there is so much more light pouring through the kitchen window. 
I've been  for lunch with some old work mates and made the effort to make time for some of my friends which I kept putting off, only because I was so tired.
So all in all, life isn't so bad at the moment.
This has been the longest amount of time I've been 'well'. I haven't had a day off sick let alone having to rush up to Moorfields with any problems. I know this is something I shouldn't be saying out loud, and certainly something I shouldn't be boasting about. so fingers crossed that it lasts a long long time.
Speak soon xx

Understanding others

Hey everyone, you know, sometimes I hear some things that either drive me mad with frustration or I simply cant get them straight in my head and end up pondering them until my brain is sore! 
Yesterday, I heard two different stories of companies saying there are unable to offer assistance because of the GDP regulations!! What the actual Fudge?!!
It seems to me, some companies bothered to actually read the regulations and took the time to educate their staff while others, well, others simply couldn't be arsed, or maybe they are considered half arsed!! 
Some folks, all with sight impairments go along to a very well known restaurant (now I know I need to use GDP as I am passing on information that isn't mine, and as I wasn't there I cannot say that the information is accurate so I cannot name the company...Principle number 4 (Data Accuracy)) LOL
Its my understanding that GDP is more to do with the way our private information is stored by other companies and assuring that it is not passed on with out our knowledge or agreement. I also understand that the fines for breaching this legislation are MASSIVE! 
Anyhoo, These folks were having a get together, had a fairly average meal I would suspect and asked for the bill at the end. Out of this group of people not one of them had the ability to read the bill so asked for assistance but was refused on ….GDPR grounds!! 
Again, I say ..What the actual Fudge!! So these BIND people sat around their table for another 45 minutes while they tried to sort out their bill!! It appears they were not asking the member of staff to do anything other than read out the items on the bill as none of them could see the print to read it. My first thought was..why didn't they just split the bill between them and then it wouldn't have mattered, but, I know what it is like when you have budgeted how much you can spend and then you end up paying towards three bottles of wine which you didn't drink any of.
What a bloody disgrace though!
HOWEVERRRRRR. After I worked through my anger and concern about how degrading it must have been for the people sitting around the table, I had a little think...I'm going to put the cat amongst the pigeons now...these companies...some of these companies I should say, have in place policies that prevent their staff from assisting people with these little personal activities like paying your bill or having help to access the ATM machine. 
Barclays, have always assisted me with my banking, since they have replaced humans with machines I have real trouble accessing the machines for banking. The business banking counter is still manned by a human but there is always a long queue so I ask for help and they are always more than happy to do so, BUT, If I should go to a supermarket for example and ask if I could have assistance to use either the ATM of the self service machine, would I get the same support?... No probably not, and this is because the law gets murky and people become untrustworthy. If a supermarket could say hand on heart that every single one of their employees would help a blind or disabled person use a cash machine and not risk taking that persons private info, I'm afraid they would be a bit naïve. This works both ways too, if the employer ensures its employees stick to their policies then they are protected from accusations. Its such a crazy world we live in and sadly, even as individuals, we need to think about our actions and what the outcome could be. 
Only last week I saw a elderly lady with her grandchildren, one in a pushchair and a little boy about 5 years old.  She was carrying a ton of shopping and the little boy has picked up some sweets which hadn't been paid for, she was trying to get him to put them back but he was having none of it. it was turning messy, the little child in the push chair was getting grumpy, the shopping was going all over the floor and the little boy was screaming at his Nana that 'HE WAS GOING TO HAVE THE SWEEITES' the poor woman was in a right pickle...so what do I do? Ignore the situation? Do I offer help? Is this going to backfire on me if I ask the lady if she needs help. Do I slap the kids legs and tell him he is horrible to his Nana? (this would defo get me into trouble so I put this thought onto the back burner) in the end I asked her if I could help in anyway and she thanked me but said she felt the only way to move forward from the situation was to give in and buy him the sweeties...despite my brain screaming NOOOOOOOOOOO DONT DO IT!!! my mouth said, well would you like me to stand with the push chair while you pop back inside with your grandson? 
Even though I was incredibly disappointed in this ladies grandparenting skills I was constantly conscious of how quickly the situation could change so although this is not a direct example of how GDP can effect how we work, it is an example of being aware of how to deal with a situation without ending up being accused of suggesting that the little boy needs to learn that if he doesn't do as he is told he is going to spend a lonely afternoon in his bed! 
ATM's are a common place for fraud, a few years ago, a relative ended up having his bank account emptied just be being distracted for a second!
Some people carry a 'I cant wait card' which should allow them to use the toilet anywhere, because, they really cannot wait. I'm sure anyone with this card would rather they didn't have to use it, but the reason for this is that these conditions are unpredictable, but some companies say they cannot honour this because they are not insured! Some years ago when I had an infection in my Colon, I found myself in a clothes shop and needing to use the loo desperately, the shop assistant (even though I don't have a card) immediately showed me to the toilet and busied herself in the corridor until I was finished. On the way out I took more notice and realised that I was walking past the staff room where information was pinned up on a notice board (luckily for them I couldn't see it well enough to read it) but more importantly I was sauntering past a ton of brand new stock! Thousands of pounds worth of designer jeans Just hanging around! That has to be one of the reasons companies don't want you rumbling around in their back store.
The thing is technology is fab if you can use it, and if you cant it suddenly puts you in a uncomfortable position. 
Lets take buying train tickets. I always use the human in the ticket booth, but occasionally the booth is shut, so then I have a dilemma. Years ago they used to have a little red machine called a permit to travel. You could put as little or as much in as you wanted, a little slip would be printed out and you could get on the train knowing you had brought some kind of a ticket and you also knew you would have to pay the rest of the ticket price at the other end of the journey. I am a little fickle and I always check the price of my tickets so when I used the permit to travel I would put in the correct price of the fare! Am I making sense? Since these red machines have been removed I'm a little stuffed. If I get on a train without a ticket I spend the whole journey sitting on the edge of my seat waiting to be confronted by the ticket inspector, I have the exact fare price clutched in my sweaty hand and I feel like I am a criminal! Then when I get to the other end, I have to explain why I didn't buy a ticket, causing more anxiety. The other option is to ask a stranger to help...here we encounter all sorts of problems, are they really buying the ticket I asked for, even though I know how much my ticket should be, I know that sometimes they seem to charge more. Nine times out of ten, they are card only machines, which is ok if you spend less than £30 and use contactless (assuming contactless actually works) otherwise I need to ask for help to know when to put my pin number in, I also sometimes have trouble getting the card in the reader the right way round. The stranger might be a genuine helpful person, or the person might see an whooping great opportunity to relieve me of my hard earned Wonga. 
Anyway, I seem to have gone way off the subject, and I do understand why people would think twice about helping people with their personal stuff, but does any humanity for others come into this at all?
I think this is why I try to think ahead all the time, to avoid situations just like the whole train ticket thing, if I know I need to make a train journey I usually go and buy the ticket a week before, then I know I have it, and part of the stress of doing something on my own is relieved. 
Doing stuff on our own is incredibly valuable, I find I am doing things independently less and less these days. Access to work pay for a taxi to and from my work place. Both my girls drive now so I have a personal lift on tap! And they get a little offended if I say I want to do something on my own. I miss my independence desperately, and life is difficult enough without all the complications of things being inaccessible! 
All that said, today I brought my train ticket from a human behind the glass for my trip to Woodbridge on Thursday....ON MY OWN!! My youngest daughter is already stressing that I wont be able to manage without her constant herding, defending and protecting from the big wide world. When on earth did our roles swap? I'm the Mum and I'm supposed to do all the worrying and bossing! 
I will let you know how I get on regaining a little independence.
Speak Soon xx