Hello there everyone.
As you all know, I am a great believer in 'everything happening for a reason', so when I bumped into a lady while I was shopping the other day, some of her words stuck at the front of my mind.
This lady, is one of the kindest, sweetest ladies I've ever had the pleasure of working alongside, she was a friendly face when I started working at school all those years ago, and she continued to be that happy smiling friendly face right up until the day I left.
When I saw her...yes, I saw her first, which never happens, I literally don't see anything much when I am in a shop, especially one that I am unfamiliar with, I don't know why, I just knew it was her.
So we had a mini catch up in the middle of New Look, somewhere during the conversation, she mentioned Diary of a blind lady, and how much she enjoyed reading the blogs. This was really lovely to hear, and for a flash I felt proud, until we talked about how I tend only to write when I am stressed or these is a problem. I don't think I ever write when I am happy or things are going well. I realise that over the years I probably have shared more downs than ups with you all.
This realisation stopped me in my tracks a bit really, I cant really describe how I feel, a mixture of sadness and irritation. I so didn't want to end up whinging and moaning about the things life has dealt me.
SO, I am actually doing really well at the moment! I travelled to Suffolk, all on my own on the train, with no real problems until I got to Ipswich, where if I'd listened properly to the railway employee on the platform, I would have walked up the correct railway bridge bringing me down on the correct platform for my connecting train, but in perfect Lynda style, I stopped listening to him and promptly went to the wrong bridge! No real problems though, because as I stood on a unfamiliar platform wondering where the hell I was, a nice lady came along and said...I bet you are looking for platform 1,...easy as that, she was heading there too, and she was getting off at Woodbridge too!
We had planned that my friends husband would take me home, but I was so confident I did the return journey on my own via the train too!!
Again, no nasty moments occurred and I enjoyed 3 hours travelling through the countryside on the train.
I have joined the Stories Library team at RNIB, London, and will start writing for them at the end of August, I've already have my first interview set up nd am bursting with ideas and contacts. This is very exciting for me, there will be a desk available to me so I can join the team and write from there, but I can also write from home, Which is perfect as I can go into London when it suits me. Writing is something I really love, this is opening a door for me to really get my teeth into writing and proving to myself that this is something else I can do independently.
My role with Tesco has turned a massive corner too, and I seem to be mastering the art of Stock Control, changing from red to green...took a good eight months, but I did it.
For a while, I was falling behind with housework and gardening, mostly because I fell into a habit of walking in the door at 1.30, making myself lunch and sitting my backside on the sofa and not moving it until it was time to get up and cook tea!! This week I've snapped out of that, I've replanted the tree in my back garden that blew down crushing all my flowers over the stormy weekend, I also got out the ladder and trimmed the tree in my front garden...I'll admit, I'm not sure its the best shaped tree in the world but hey, there is so much more light pouring through the kitchen window.
I've been for lunch with some old work mates and made the effort to make time for some of my friends which I kept putting off, only because I was so tired.
So all in all, life isn't so bad at the moment.
This has been the longest amount of time I've been 'well'. I haven't had a day off sick let alone having to rush up to Moorfields with any problems. I know this is something I shouldn't be saying out loud, and certainly something I shouldn't be boasting about. so fingers crossed that it lasts a long long time.
Speak soon xx
Wednesday, 14 August 2019
Monday, 1 July 2019
Understanding others
Hey everyone, you know, sometimes I hear some things that either drive me mad with frustration or I simply cant get them straight in my head and end up pondering them until my brain is sore!
Yesterday, I heard two different stories of companies saying there are unable to offer assistance because of the GDP regulations!! What the actual Fudge?!!
It seems to me, some companies bothered to actually read the regulations and took the time to educate their staff while others, well, others simply couldn't be arsed, or maybe they are considered half arsed!!
Some folks, all with sight impairments go along to a very well known restaurant (now I know I need to use GDP as I am passing on information that isn't mine, and as I wasn't there I cannot say that the information is accurate so I cannot name the company...Principle number 4 (Data Accuracy)) LOL
Its my understanding that GDP is more to do with the way our private information is stored by other companies and assuring that it is not passed on with out our knowledge or agreement. I also understand that the fines for breaching this legislation are MASSIVE!
Anyhoo, These folks were having a get together, had a fairly average meal I would suspect and asked for the bill at the end. Out of this group of people not one of them had the ability to read the bill so asked for assistance but was refused on ….GDPR grounds!!
Again, I say ..What the actual Fudge!! So these BIND people sat around their table for another 45 minutes while they tried to sort out their bill!! It appears they were not asking the member of staff to do anything other than read out the items on the bill as none of them could see the print to read it. My first thought was..why didn't they just split the bill between them and then it wouldn't have mattered, but, I know what it is like when you have budgeted how much you can spend and then you end up paying towards three bottles of wine which you didn't drink any of.
What a bloody disgrace though!
HOWEVERRRRRR. After I worked through my anger and concern about how degrading it must have been for the people sitting around the table, I had a little think...I'm going to put the cat amongst the pigeons now...these companies...some of these companies I should say, have in place policies that prevent their staff from assisting people with these little personal activities like paying your bill or having help to access the ATM machine.
Barclays, have always assisted me with my banking, since they have replaced humans with machines I have real trouble accessing the machines for banking. The business banking counter is still manned by a human but there is always a long queue so I ask for help and they are always more than happy to do so, BUT, If I should go to a supermarket for example and ask if I could have assistance to use either the ATM of the self service machine, would I get the same support?... No probably not, and this is because the law gets murky and people become untrustworthy. If a supermarket could say hand on heart that every single one of their employees would help a blind or disabled person use a cash machine and not risk taking that persons private info, I'm afraid they would be a bit naïve. This works both ways too, if the employer ensures its employees stick to their policies then they are protected from accusations. Its such a crazy world we live in and sadly, even as individuals, we need to think about our actions and what the outcome could be.
Only last week I saw a elderly lady with her grandchildren, one in a pushchair and a little boy about 5 years old. She was carrying a ton of shopping and the little boy has picked up some sweets which hadn't been paid for, she was trying to get him to put them back but he was having none of it. it was turning messy, the little child in the push chair was getting grumpy, the shopping was going all over the floor and the little boy was screaming at his Nana that 'HE WAS GOING TO HAVE THE SWEEITES' the poor woman was in a right pickle...so what do I do? Ignore the situation? Do I offer help? Is this going to backfire on me if I ask the lady if she needs help. Do I slap the kids legs and tell him he is horrible to his Nana? (this would defo get me into trouble so I put this thought onto the back burner) in the end I asked her if I could help in anyway and she thanked me but said she felt the only way to move forward from the situation was to give in and buy him the sweeties...despite my brain screaming NOOOOOOOOOOO DONT DO IT!!! my mouth said, well would you like me to stand with the push chair while you pop back inside with your grandson?
Even though I was incredibly disappointed in this ladies grandparenting skills I was constantly conscious of how quickly the situation could change so although this is not a direct example of how GDP can effect how we work, it is an example of being aware of how to deal with a situation without ending up being accused of suggesting that the little boy needs to learn that if he doesn't do as he is told he is going to spend a lonely afternoon in his bed!
ATM's are a common place for fraud, a few years ago, a relative ended up having his bank account emptied just be being distracted for a second!
Some people carry a 'I cant wait card' which should allow them to use the toilet anywhere, because, they really cannot wait. I'm sure anyone with this card would rather they didn't have to use it, but the reason for this is that these conditions are unpredictable, but some companies say they cannot honour this because they are not insured! Some years ago when I had an infection in my Colon, I found myself in a clothes shop and needing to use the loo desperately, the shop assistant (even though I don't have a card) immediately showed me to the toilet and busied herself in the corridor until I was finished. On the way out I took more notice and realised that I was walking past the staff room where information was pinned up on a notice board (luckily for them I couldn't see it well enough to read it) but more importantly I was sauntering past a ton of brand new stock! Thousands of pounds worth of designer jeans Just hanging around! That has to be one of the reasons companies don't want you rumbling around in their back store.
The thing is technology is fab if you can use it, and if you cant it suddenly puts you in a uncomfortable position.
Lets take buying train tickets. I always use the human in the ticket booth, but occasionally the booth is shut, so then I have a dilemma. Years ago they used to have a little red machine called a permit to travel. You could put as little or as much in as you wanted, a little slip would be printed out and you could get on the train knowing you had brought some kind of a ticket and you also knew you would have to pay the rest of the ticket price at the other end of the journey. I am a little fickle and I always check the price of my tickets so when I used the permit to travel I would put in the correct price of the fare! Am I making sense? Since these red machines have been removed I'm a little stuffed. If I get on a train without a ticket I spend the whole journey sitting on the edge of my seat waiting to be confronted by the ticket inspector, I have the exact fare price clutched in my sweaty hand and I feel like I am a criminal! Then when I get to the other end, I have to explain why I didn't buy a ticket, causing more anxiety. The other option is to ask a stranger to help...here we encounter all sorts of problems, are they really buying the ticket I asked for, even though I know how much my ticket should be, I know that sometimes they seem to charge more. Nine times out of ten, they are card only machines, which is ok if you spend less than £30 and use contactless (assuming contactless actually works) otherwise I need to ask for help to know when to put my pin number in, I also sometimes have trouble getting the card in the reader the right way round. The stranger might be a genuine helpful person, or the person might see an whooping great opportunity to relieve me of my hard earned Wonga.
Anyway, I seem to have gone way off the subject, and I do understand why people would think twice about helping people with their personal stuff, but does any humanity for others come into this at all?
I think this is why I try to think ahead all the time, to avoid situations just like the whole train ticket thing, if I know I need to make a train journey I usually go and buy the ticket a week before, then I know I have it, and part of the stress of doing something on my own is relieved.
Doing stuff on our own is incredibly valuable, I find I am doing things independently less and less these days. Access to work pay for a taxi to and from my work place. Both my girls drive now so I have a personal lift on tap! And they get a little offended if I say I want to do something on my own. I miss my independence desperately, and life is difficult enough without all the complications of things being inaccessible!
All that said, today I brought my train ticket from a human behind the glass for my trip to Woodbridge on Thursday....ON MY OWN!! My youngest daughter is already stressing that I wont be able to manage without her constant herding, defending and protecting from the big wide world. When on earth did our roles swap? I'm the Mum and I'm supposed to do all the worrying and bossing!
I will let you know how I get on regaining a little independence.
Speak Soon xx
Yesterday, I heard two different stories of companies saying there are unable to offer assistance because of the GDP regulations!! What the actual Fudge?!!
It seems to me, some companies bothered to actually read the regulations and took the time to educate their staff while others, well, others simply couldn't be arsed, or maybe they are considered half arsed!!
Some folks, all with sight impairments go along to a very well known restaurant (now I know I need to use GDP as I am passing on information that isn't mine, and as I wasn't there I cannot say that the information is accurate so I cannot name the company...Principle number 4 (Data Accuracy)) LOL
Its my understanding that GDP is more to do with the way our private information is stored by other companies and assuring that it is not passed on with out our knowledge or agreement. I also understand that the fines for breaching this legislation are MASSIVE!
Anyhoo, These folks were having a get together, had a fairly average meal I would suspect and asked for the bill at the end. Out of this group of people not one of them had the ability to read the bill so asked for assistance but was refused on ….GDPR grounds!!
Again, I say ..What the actual Fudge!! So these BIND people sat around their table for another 45 minutes while they tried to sort out their bill!! It appears they were not asking the member of staff to do anything other than read out the items on the bill as none of them could see the print to read it. My first thought was..why didn't they just split the bill between them and then it wouldn't have mattered, but, I know what it is like when you have budgeted how much you can spend and then you end up paying towards three bottles of wine which you didn't drink any of.
What a bloody disgrace though!
HOWEVERRRRRR. After I worked through my anger and concern about how degrading it must have been for the people sitting around the table, I had a little think...I'm going to put the cat amongst the pigeons now...these companies...some of these companies I should say, have in place policies that prevent their staff from assisting people with these little personal activities like paying your bill or having help to access the ATM machine.
Barclays, have always assisted me with my banking, since they have replaced humans with machines I have real trouble accessing the machines for banking. The business banking counter is still manned by a human but there is always a long queue so I ask for help and they are always more than happy to do so, BUT, If I should go to a supermarket for example and ask if I could have assistance to use either the ATM of the self service machine, would I get the same support?... No probably not, and this is because the law gets murky and people become untrustworthy. If a supermarket could say hand on heart that every single one of their employees would help a blind or disabled person use a cash machine and not risk taking that persons private info, I'm afraid they would be a bit naïve. This works both ways too, if the employer ensures its employees stick to their policies then they are protected from accusations. Its such a crazy world we live in and sadly, even as individuals, we need to think about our actions and what the outcome could be.
Only last week I saw a elderly lady with her grandchildren, one in a pushchair and a little boy about 5 years old. She was carrying a ton of shopping and the little boy has picked up some sweets which hadn't been paid for, she was trying to get him to put them back but he was having none of it. it was turning messy, the little child in the push chair was getting grumpy, the shopping was going all over the floor and the little boy was screaming at his Nana that 'HE WAS GOING TO HAVE THE SWEEITES' the poor woman was in a right pickle...so what do I do? Ignore the situation? Do I offer help? Is this going to backfire on me if I ask the lady if she needs help. Do I slap the kids legs and tell him he is horrible to his Nana? (this would defo get me into trouble so I put this thought onto the back burner) in the end I asked her if I could help in anyway and she thanked me but said she felt the only way to move forward from the situation was to give in and buy him the sweeties...despite my brain screaming NOOOOOOOOOOO DONT DO IT!!! my mouth said, well would you like me to stand with the push chair while you pop back inside with your grandson?
Even though I was incredibly disappointed in this ladies grandparenting skills I was constantly conscious of how quickly the situation could change so although this is not a direct example of how GDP can effect how we work, it is an example of being aware of how to deal with a situation without ending up being accused of suggesting that the little boy needs to learn that if he doesn't do as he is told he is going to spend a lonely afternoon in his bed!
ATM's are a common place for fraud, a few years ago, a relative ended up having his bank account emptied just be being distracted for a second!
Some people carry a 'I cant wait card' which should allow them to use the toilet anywhere, because, they really cannot wait. I'm sure anyone with this card would rather they didn't have to use it, but the reason for this is that these conditions are unpredictable, but some companies say they cannot honour this because they are not insured! Some years ago when I had an infection in my Colon, I found myself in a clothes shop and needing to use the loo desperately, the shop assistant (even though I don't have a card) immediately showed me to the toilet and busied herself in the corridor until I was finished. On the way out I took more notice and realised that I was walking past the staff room where information was pinned up on a notice board (luckily for them I couldn't see it well enough to read it) but more importantly I was sauntering past a ton of brand new stock! Thousands of pounds worth of designer jeans Just hanging around! That has to be one of the reasons companies don't want you rumbling around in their back store.
The thing is technology is fab if you can use it, and if you cant it suddenly puts you in a uncomfortable position.
Lets take buying train tickets. I always use the human in the ticket booth, but occasionally the booth is shut, so then I have a dilemma. Years ago they used to have a little red machine called a permit to travel. You could put as little or as much in as you wanted, a little slip would be printed out and you could get on the train knowing you had brought some kind of a ticket and you also knew you would have to pay the rest of the ticket price at the other end of the journey. I am a little fickle and I always check the price of my tickets so when I used the permit to travel I would put in the correct price of the fare! Am I making sense? Since these red machines have been removed I'm a little stuffed. If I get on a train without a ticket I spend the whole journey sitting on the edge of my seat waiting to be confronted by the ticket inspector, I have the exact fare price clutched in my sweaty hand and I feel like I am a criminal! Then when I get to the other end, I have to explain why I didn't buy a ticket, causing more anxiety. The other option is to ask a stranger to help...here we encounter all sorts of problems, are they really buying the ticket I asked for, even though I know how much my ticket should be, I know that sometimes they seem to charge more. Nine times out of ten, they are card only machines, which is ok if you spend less than £30 and use contactless (assuming contactless actually works) otherwise I need to ask for help to know when to put my pin number in, I also sometimes have trouble getting the card in the reader the right way round. The stranger might be a genuine helpful person, or the person might see an whooping great opportunity to relieve me of my hard earned Wonga.
Anyway, I seem to have gone way off the subject, and I do understand why people would think twice about helping people with their personal stuff, but does any humanity for others come into this at all?
I think this is why I try to think ahead all the time, to avoid situations just like the whole train ticket thing, if I know I need to make a train journey I usually go and buy the ticket a week before, then I know I have it, and part of the stress of doing something on my own is relieved.
Doing stuff on our own is incredibly valuable, I find I am doing things independently less and less these days. Access to work pay for a taxi to and from my work place. Both my girls drive now so I have a personal lift on tap! And they get a little offended if I say I want to do something on my own. I miss my independence desperately, and life is difficult enough without all the complications of things being inaccessible!
All that said, today I brought my train ticket from a human behind the glass for my trip to Woodbridge on Thursday....ON MY OWN!! My youngest daughter is already stressing that I wont be able to manage without her constant herding, defending and protecting from the big wide world. When on earth did our roles swap? I'm the Mum and I'm supposed to do all the worrying and bossing!
I will let you know how I get on regaining a little independence.
Speak Soon xx
Wednesday, 19 June 2019
Distorted thoughts
I literally have no idea what I was blabbering on about last night, all I know is that the dentist assured me that I wouldn't have any pain once the numbness had worn off....well, POO on you Mr Dentist man, my tooth hurts like hell!!
Today I have struggled to hold myself together, partly because I am niggled with pain but mostly because I am feeling such anger at the injustice of the things we are dealt in our lives. Its SOOOO very important not to compare our lives to others, and to remember that our experiences are our own, there is no-one that has that exact same experience, no-one feels the way you do about it and no-one can put themselves into your shoes.
I hate that from time to time, an event or something will come along and remind me of 'what could have been'.....a completely useless thought, but none the less, these thoughts have crept into my mind and there is no ignoring them until I have processed the way I feel and managed to filter out the damaging thoughts that completely distort my mental health.
So, I wonder what I would be doing if my sight wasn't so poor. I cant help but feel cheated in life, I feel like my brain is fully (ish) functioning but I'm broken so I will never be able to work at my full capacity. And that's not bloody fair!
Don't get me wrong, I totally understand that everyone finds themselves thinking in this kind of way, I have two friends, one whose Mum passed away recently and has been left juggling home life, work and her broken father. the other friend, lost her Daughter many years ago, each of these ladies must wonder what could have been, and I feel incredible empathy for my friends. BUT at this moment my grief feels enormous, time is supposed to be a healer, frankly, that's crap. We fold all our thoughts and feelings away into little boxes in our brains, we learn to live with these boxes. We accept they are there and always treat them with respect for fear of the boxes falling over and all the contents come spilling out all over our nice straight forward lives.
My boxes feel like they have been knocked over and stamped on! The trouble is, I am one to focus on what is happening in the present, so the past is, well, its the past, so when an event for example pops up and causes me to remember the past, things I might add which are happy memories, I some how manage to distort those happy memories into dark ones by remembering what my sight was like before, and then end up comparing then to now....are you all still with me?
All this thinking business drastically upsets my mood, and I just feel sad. Sad and angry. So, I sink into a not really wanting to talk to anyone mode while I let the memories flood back and I try to pop them back into their boxes once I have straightened them out a little.
This process, I've noticed. gets harder each time, and I think it is because I don't really know how much I am capable of. There is no line or barrier which says 'Lynda, You cannot pass beyond this barrier, so turn back and just stay in the safe zone'...so how do I know what to aim for?
I do know how lucky I am but, today, it doesn't stop me wanting to know what I would be doing today if I could see better Somethings, I suppose were always going to happen, but what about the other things like driving and the job I have.
And just like that, one box is picked up and packed away....as I wrote about my job in the last sentence, faces popped into my head, faces of the people I work alongside and faces of some of the customers, and I smiled! A big fat stupid smile as I think about a stupid conversation that was had this afternoon while putting out a soft drinks cage. Suddenly I feel like I've brought myself back to the present just by talking to you!
Earlier, I stood looking at the rain hammering on my front garden and thought about all the times I had mown the lawn until it had to be taken up because I kept mowing over the electrical cord....What I wasn't seeing was this...
Today I have struggled to hold myself together, partly because I am niggled with pain but mostly because I am feeling such anger at the injustice of the things we are dealt in our lives. Its SOOOO very important not to compare our lives to others, and to remember that our experiences are our own, there is no-one that has that exact same experience, no-one feels the way you do about it and no-one can put themselves into your shoes.
I hate that from time to time, an event or something will come along and remind me of 'what could have been'.....a completely useless thought, but none the less, these thoughts have crept into my mind and there is no ignoring them until I have processed the way I feel and managed to filter out the damaging thoughts that completely distort my mental health.
So, I wonder what I would be doing if my sight wasn't so poor. I cant help but feel cheated in life, I feel like my brain is fully (ish) functioning but I'm broken so I will never be able to work at my full capacity. And that's not bloody fair!
Don't get me wrong, I totally understand that everyone finds themselves thinking in this kind of way, I have two friends, one whose Mum passed away recently and has been left juggling home life, work and her broken father. the other friend, lost her Daughter many years ago, each of these ladies must wonder what could have been, and I feel incredible empathy for my friends. BUT at this moment my grief feels enormous, time is supposed to be a healer, frankly, that's crap. We fold all our thoughts and feelings away into little boxes in our brains, we learn to live with these boxes. We accept they are there and always treat them with respect for fear of the boxes falling over and all the contents come spilling out all over our nice straight forward lives.
My boxes feel like they have been knocked over and stamped on! The trouble is, I am one to focus on what is happening in the present, so the past is, well, its the past, so when an event for example pops up and causes me to remember the past, things I might add which are happy memories, I some how manage to distort those happy memories into dark ones by remembering what my sight was like before, and then end up comparing then to now....are you all still with me?
All this thinking business drastically upsets my mood, and I just feel sad. Sad and angry. So, I sink into a not really wanting to talk to anyone mode while I let the memories flood back and I try to pop them back into their boxes once I have straightened them out a little.
This process, I've noticed. gets harder each time, and I think it is because I don't really know how much I am capable of. There is no line or barrier which says 'Lynda, You cannot pass beyond this barrier, so turn back and just stay in the safe zone'...so how do I know what to aim for?
I do know how lucky I am but, today, it doesn't stop me wanting to know what I would be doing today if I could see better Somethings, I suppose were always going to happen, but what about the other things like driving and the job I have.
And just like that, one box is picked up and packed away....as I wrote about my job in the last sentence, faces popped into my head, faces of the people I work alongside and faces of some of the customers, and I smiled! A big fat stupid smile as I think about a stupid conversation that was had this afternoon while putting out a soft drinks cage. Suddenly I feel like I've brought myself back to the present just by talking to you!
Earlier, I stood looking at the rain hammering on my front garden and thought about all the times I had mown the lawn until it had to be taken up because I kept mowing over the electrical cord....What I wasn't seeing was this...
I did that!! Well, the plants did the growing themselves, but I dug up all the grass, replaced it with shingle and planted all these plants from the bargain bench at my local garden centre!
I am not daft enough to think correcting any form of mental health is as easy as that, but we all function differently, I loose my way from time to time, and become fixated on the negatives, but I'm aware that I am doing this, I suppose in a way its a kind of self harm, I want to feel that pain and grief because I should, because I must remember that I was once a sighted person and that I have been CHEATED out of having a normal life!!
I wonder what sort of a normal sighted person I would have been! Maybe I would have been a brain surgeon (lets be realistic) maybe I could have had a driving job OR maybe I could have progressed to being a higher level teaching assistant in the job I loved, maybe I could have been a pilot!
But would I be the person I am today? I certainly wouldn't be sitting here writing to you and I certainly wouldn't have met some inspiring and wonderful people through a charity that I probably wouldn't have taken a second glance at.
Maybe being me isn't so bad after all! Maybe I should take all of those special little memories and take them for exactly what they are...MY memories, no-one else's.
..MINE...and no-one, no matter what they say or think can remove those memories.
Well, now I've had a good cry and my contact lenses are all foggy I suppose I should go and get ready for ladies night at the swimming pool, after all, no matter how shitty we feel, life has this habit of carrying on without you, so I feel I have two choices, be sucked back or keep a step ahead....betchya cant guess which way I'm heading?....Tomorrow is a new day. Speak soon x
Tuesday, 18 June 2019
Tooth ache
Afternoon all!
As I am sitting here waiting for the swelling to go down in my face, I thought I'd drop you a line or two!
Tooth ache descended two days ago, and as most of us do, I totally ignored it, took a shed load of painkillers and hoped it would go away. Unfortunately it didn't, and after having what I can only describe as 'proper tooth ache' a couple of years ago and ending up in hospital having morphine squeezed into my system, I am more than aware that if tooth ache doesn't go away within a couple of days, then I need to get my backside to the dentist asap!
I changed dentist surgeries about 18 months ago, not because there was anything wrong with the actual dentistry I was receiving, but because the receptionists were like a group of Rottweilers that had been starved for a month!
The receptionists at the new dentists must have gone to a completely different school of 'how to be a receptionist' because they are super lovely. They have it on my notes that I am RSS and therefore always help me fill in forms without and arguments, they always explain where the examination room is...instead of barking that I need to go wait upstairs in waiting room one!
The dentist is a young chap, with lovely black scribbly hair and a gentle manner. My emergency appointment today found that I've a tooth which has died and is now causing nerve damage.
I recon the biggest mistake I make when I go to the dentist, is looking at the size of the bloody needle!!
Even when the dentist says....'just a small scratch'.... I'm lying there thinking, 'how the hell will something that size make nothing more than a small scratch!'
Anyway, the tooth has been drilled and packed, next week I've an appointment to have the tooth removed
Tooth ache makes me grumpy, I hate everyone and it makes me feel crappy. I am annoyed that having a simple normal thing like tooth ache, can make me feel so tired, why is it that the smallest change takes time to adjust.
Its like hay fever, lets talk about hay fever!!
If you are a contact lens wearer, you will understand the irritation of the snotty film that forms across the lens, rubbing, scratching and itching just spreads the snotty pollen into a different position on the surface of the lens. I don't ever remember having hay fever as a child, in fact I'm sure I only started with it last year. Why do some people really suffer and others don't?
I mean, I don't really 'suffer' but the snotty stuff just distorts the little vision I have, I recon I must take my contacts out about twenty times a day, clean them and put them back in again, only for them to snot back up again a few minutes later!!
PLUS, I recon its worse after its been raining. I though the rain was supposed to dampen down the pollen.
Right, enough moaning! I can feel my tongue slightly, which is good because I'm starving!
Its crazy really, I'm sure I must have looked and sounded hilarious, constantly dribbling and talking like I've got a mouth full of marshmallow!
I'm off to cook my microwave meal which I chose specifically because its soft and there's not too much chewing involved, there is nothing worse than biting your tongue while you're numbed up, then when it wears off you've got one hell of a sore tongue.
Anyways, I'm off to enjoy my chicken korma.
Speak real soon x
As I am sitting here waiting for the swelling to go down in my face, I thought I'd drop you a line or two!
Tooth ache descended two days ago, and as most of us do, I totally ignored it, took a shed load of painkillers and hoped it would go away. Unfortunately it didn't, and after having what I can only describe as 'proper tooth ache' a couple of years ago and ending up in hospital having morphine squeezed into my system, I am more than aware that if tooth ache doesn't go away within a couple of days, then I need to get my backside to the dentist asap!
I changed dentist surgeries about 18 months ago, not because there was anything wrong with the actual dentistry I was receiving, but because the receptionists were like a group of Rottweilers that had been starved for a month!
The receptionists at the new dentists must have gone to a completely different school of 'how to be a receptionist' because they are super lovely. They have it on my notes that I am RSS and therefore always help me fill in forms without and arguments, they always explain where the examination room is...instead of barking that I need to go wait upstairs in waiting room one!
The dentist is a young chap, with lovely black scribbly hair and a gentle manner. My emergency appointment today found that I've a tooth which has died and is now causing nerve damage.
I recon the biggest mistake I make when I go to the dentist, is looking at the size of the bloody needle!!
Even when the dentist says....'just a small scratch'.... I'm lying there thinking, 'how the hell will something that size make nothing more than a small scratch!'
Anyway, the tooth has been drilled and packed, next week I've an appointment to have the tooth removed
Tooth ache makes me grumpy, I hate everyone and it makes me feel crappy. I am annoyed that having a simple normal thing like tooth ache, can make me feel so tired, why is it that the smallest change takes time to adjust.
Its like hay fever, lets talk about hay fever!!
If you are a contact lens wearer, you will understand the irritation of the snotty film that forms across the lens, rubbing, scratching and itching just spreads the snotty pollen into a different position on the surface of the lens. I don't ever remember having hay fever as a child, in fact I'm sure I only started with it last year. Why do some people really suffer and others don't?
I mean, I don't really 'suffer' but the snotty stuff just distorts the little vision I have, I recon I must take my contacts out about twenty times a day, clean them and put them back in again, only for them to snot back up again a few minutes later!!
PLUS, I recon its worse after its been raining. I though the rain was supposed to dampen down the pollen.
Right, enough moaning! I can feel my tongue slightly, which is good because I'm starving!
Its crazy really, I'm sure I must have looked and sounded hilarious, constantly dribbling and talking like I've got a mouth full of marshmallow!
I'm off to cook my microwave meal which I chose specifically because its soft and there's not too much chewing involved, there is nothing worse than biting your tongue while you're numbed up, then when it wears off you've got one hell of a sore tongue.
Anyways, I'm off to enjoy my chicken korma.
Speak real soon x
Monday, 3 June 2019
exploring the 4x4!
Do you ever get those days where you don't seem to have gotten anywhere? Time has been ahead for me all day, I made a list of jobs that I must get done today and out of the fifteen things that were on it, six have gone onto tomorrows list!
Anyway, writing was on the list, so here I am!
As promised, Just a little blog on the 4x4 driving experience day!!!!!
Thursday night I got myself all prepared for an early start the next day and decided to have a earlyish night, went to lock my front door and my keys were missing, a casual look through my bag soon turned into a frantic hunt, tipping the contents all over the kitchen table, and searching in the same places ten times just in case it had magically appeared!
Mentally retracing my steps I realised the last time I had them was at work and that's exactly where they still were. This meant my meticulously planned morning had to be re jigged to include a trip to work to retrieve my keys.
So, My plans had to be moved forward an hour and 5am Friday morning found me walking Ralph over the fields, although I have to say, that time of the morning is very beautiful, and Ralph was happy to sit and watch the deer and rabbits!...NOT, the crazy bloody dog was chasing the poor animals all round the fields, with me screaming at him to come back like some crazy woman, then he decided it would be a great idea to roll around in fox poo, he comes running up to me with this stupid flappy grin on his face, all pleased with him self..'smell that Mum, don't I smell fab'....no, you actually smell like you have been living in the bottom of a food waste bin for the last three weeks! I suppose the only consolation was that there's no-one else about that time of the morning, so the only person that he shared the smell with was me!!
I had to pick up the train from Hitchin instead of Arlesey, but it didn't seem to be a problem and I was let through the gates, found myself a seat on the platform and sat relaxing in the sun.
The train from Hitchin to Cambridge was on time and I was quite shocked to find there were plenty of places to sit. I arrived into Cambridge about 7 minutes before my friends train was due in and about 14 minutes before our connecting train to Thetford would leave. The train was already at the platform and again finding a seat was easy! Once my friend and I were settled in our seats the journey to Thetford just flew by as we chatted and nattered.
Once at Thetford we were met by Malcolm! Now, Malcolm is in charge of the 4x4 experience days, but, just flipping back a minute, So all the while we were travelling we were two blind ladies, no one really interacted with us, we immediately accepted each others disability and tuned into the level of assistance each of us needed and just got on with it. But, when Malcolm met us, I noticed something I hadn't before. I feel a little ignorant that I haven't thought of this before.
Malcolm leaps out of his 4x4 in the car park, introduces himself and chats about the programme of the day. It was all very normal, until he asks us to get in the car, the three of us make our way to the car/truck thingy, (three because a young man had joined us) and there, as my two fellow blind people went to put themselves into the truck, I held back ever so slightly and saw Malcolm have a awkward moment where he didn't know how much help to offer. In that second I saw 'politically correct' (or disability correct) flash across his face..how much support do I offer...I don't want to offend...is it ok to touch the persons arm to help them in the truck....etc
Suddenly I am looking at sighted folks in a whole different light. How difficult is it for regular people to know what we need? Talk about treading on egg shells! and then I saw relief in his body language as Brad had jumped in the front passenger seat and Suzanne had nipped around the truck to get in the back seat beside me, leaving Malcolm still standing on the tarmac, the trip to the Elveden Estate was nice and relaxed as I think Malcolm had worked out that we didn't consider our disability to disable us in any way!
Anyway, my excitement was level 10000 and after we had had our breakfast at the on site restaurant I was ready to rumble. We had a de-brief and as there was 11 of us blindies driving, they take two couples in two trucks.
Who wants to go first.....ohhh hell yeah, that'll be meeee!
I was paired up with Suzanne and I know she wont mind me telling you that watching and feeling her elation at being able to drive again was almost as wonderful as my own experience behind the wheel. Suzanne had been told to send her driving licence back to DVLA two years ago, although I had driving lessons in my teens, Ive never been able to drive so I think we both experienced completely different emotions.
I absolutely loved it, I couldn't see beyond the bonnet, but the instructor was so good I didn't feel at all worried. The truck was automatic so no bothering about changing gear, just concentrate on the accelerator and steering. It was strange because the first thing I did was check my mirrors, not that I could see out of them, its just a process that all learner drivers learn, and I hadn't forgotten it.
For me, I was ecstatic that I had been driving around farm tracks and through a forest, and at the end I felt happy but sad that this wasn't 'real' I will never be able to drive.
For Suzanne, it was very emotional, a skill which she had lost, been taken from her. The day must have been so much harder for drivers, for us non drivers it was great fun, but I cant grieve over something I've never had!
It wasn't just the driving that made the day so special, I met some really incredible and inspiring people, plus, it turned out that my youngest was taking her driving test exactly the same time that I had my half hour driving, and she passed!!
An amazing day all round. The journey home I kept sighing with satisfaction and I had the biggest smile pinned to my face! In fact the smile hasn't worn off yet. Saturday I was so tired, I am always astounded by how much travelling exhausts me so travelling and driving all in one day was too much concentration, no wonder I was passed out on the sofa early afternoon, thus the reason none of my jobs have been done.
If anyone fancies a 4x4 Experience day. Contact Malcolm via email at Explore 4x4 experience days, Elveden Estate, Norfolk.
Anyway, writing was on the list, so here I am!
As promised, Just a little blog on the 4x4 driving experience day!!!!!
Thursday night I got myself all prepared for an early start the next day and decided to have a earlyish night, went to lock my front door and my keys were missing, a casual look through my bag soon turned into a frantic hunt, tipping the contents all over the kitchen table, and searching in the same places ten times just in case it had magically appeared!
Mentally retracing my steps I realised the last time I had them was at work and that's exactly where they still were. This meant my meticulously planned morning had to be re jigged to include a trip to work to retrieve my keys.
So, My plans had to be moved forward an hour and 5am Friday morning found me walking Ralph over the fields, although I have to say, that time of the morning is very beautiful, and Ralph was happy to sit and watch the deer and rabbits!...NOT, the crazy bloody dog was chasing the poor animals all round the fields, with me screaming at him to come back like some crazy woman, then he decided it would be a great idea to roll around in fox poo, he comes running up to me with this stupid flappy grin on his face, all pleased with him self..'smell that Mum, don't I smell fab'....no, you actually smell like you have been living in the bottom of a food waste bin for the last three weeks! I suppose the only consolation was that there's no-one else about that time of the morning, so the only person that he shared the smell with was me!!
I had to pick up the train from Hitchin instead of Arlesey, but it didn't seem to be a problem and I was let through the gates, found myself a seat on the platform and sat relaxing in the sun.
The train from Hitchin to Cambridge was on time and I was quite shocked to find there were plenty of places to sit. I arrived into Cambridge about 7 minutes before my friends train was due in and about 14 minutes before our connecting train to Thetford would leave. The train was already at the platform and again finding a seat was easy! Once my friend and I were settled in our seats the journey to Thetford just flew by as we chatted and nattered.
Once at Thetford we were met by Malcolm! Now, Malcolm is in charge of the 4x4 experience days, but, just flipping back a minute, So all the while we were travelling we were two blind ladies, no one really interacted with us, we immediately accepted each others disability and tuned into the level of assistance each of us needed and just got on with it. But, when Malcolm met us, I noticed something I hadn't before. I feel a little ignorant that I haven't thought of this before.
Malcolm leaps out of his 4x4 in the car park, introduces himself and chats about the programme of the day. It was all very normal, until he asks us to get in the car, the three of us make our way to the car/truck thingy, (three because a young man had joined us) and there, as my two fellow blind people went to put themselves into the truck, I held back ever so slightly and saw Malcolm have a awkward moment where he didn't know how much help to offer. In that second I saw 'politically correct' (or disability correct) flash across his face..how much support do I offer...I don't want to offend...is it ok to touch the persons arm to help them in the truck....etc
Suddenly I am looking at sighted folks in a whole different light. How difficult is it for regular people to know what we need? Talk about treading on egg shells! and then I saw relief in his body language as Brad had jumped in the front passenger seat and Suzanne had nipped around the truck to get in the back seat beside me, leaving Malcolm still standing on the tarmac, the trip to the Elveden Estate was nice and relaxed as I think Malcolm had worked out that we didn't consider our disability to disable us in any way!
Anyway, my excitement was level 10000 and after we had had our breakfast at the on site restaurant I was ready to rumble. We had a de-brief and as there was 11 of us blindies driving, they take two couples in two trucks.
Who wants to go first.....ohhh hell yeah, that'll be meeee!
I was paired up with Suzanne and I know she wont mind me telling you that watching and feeling her elation at being able to drive again was almost as wonderful as my own experience behind the wheel. Suzanne had been told to send her driving licence back to DVLA two years ago, although I had driving lessons in my teens, Ive never been able to drive so I think we both experienced completely different emotions.
I absolutely loved it, I couldn't see beyond the bonnet, but the instructor was so good I didn't feel at all worried. The truck was automatic so no bothering about changing gear, just concentrate on the accelerator and steering. It was strange because the first thing I did was check my mirrors, not that I could see out of them, its just a process that all learner drivers learn, and I hadn't forgotten it.
For me, I was ecstatic that I had been driving around farm tracks and through a forest, and at the end I felt happy but sad that this wasn't 'real' I will never be able to drive.
For Suzanne, it was very emotional, a skill which she had lost, been taken from her. The day must have been so much harder for drivers, for us non drivers it was great fun, but I cant grieve over something I've never had!
It wasn't just the driving that made the day so special, I met some really incredible and inspiring people, plus, it turned out that my youngest was taking her driving test exactly the same time that I had my half hour driving, and she passed!!
An amazing day all round. The journey home I kept sighing with satisfaction and I had the biggest smile pinned to my face! In fact the smile hasn't worn off yet. Saturday I was so tired, I am always astounded by how much travelling exhausts me so travelling and driving all in one day was too much concentration, no wonder I was passed out on the sofa early afternoon, thus the reason none of my jobs have been done.
If anyone fancies a 4x4 Experience day. Contact Malcolm via email at Explore 4x4 experience days, Elveden Estate, Norfolk.
HUGE thanks to Suzanne and Warren for organising this event 💖
Wednesday, 29 May 2019
Thick fog!
Back again! I know its been a while but I've been proper busy trying to push myself out of the little comfy zone that I had found myself in.
Since the last blog I wrote, I've done loads! And, I have to say, I'm a little proud of myself!
So, Mum and I went to the RAH to see Carl Craig..OHHH MAN! You have to check this guy out. There we were, Mum and I, sat quietly in our box, waiting for a gentle classical evening to start. When the lights dimmed, our seats started vibrating and the laser lighting began strobing around the building, I knew this was not the ususal type of classical music event we were used to attending. The whole building was vibrating with the bass and you just had to tap or move to the beat, and then, in middle of all the loud music, were classical instruments, a harp, a piano and a lady playing a violin! Who knew a DJ from Detroit and a orchestra could make such amazing sounds together, It was an incredible night, the lighting was out of this world, in fact, maybe even the best event so far! Added to that, we didn't have any disasters!
I wrote the review the following day with a massive smile on my face while I remembered the night before! Mum even asked if I could see if I could find the event on a CD!
I continued with the research for Tesco/RNIB, which was really interesting, and I got selected to attend a 'top secret' meeting with two other people from my area. I really like listening to other peoples stories, so meeting with other people with different disabilities was, well, captivating, really.
The whole experience encouraged me to find my voice again, and I confidently chatted as part of the group instead of sitting on the edge of my chair praying that time would go quicker so I could go home.
As my confidence has grown so much I thought id give swimming another go, my girls and I have been going to ladies night on a Wednesday evening, the first week I could barely manage 10 lengths, last week I comfortably did 22, and could have done more if it wasn't for the fact that Mum and my youngest have joined the aquagym, which starts at the same time but only runs for an hour.
I even pushed myself into town on a Saturday! Not on my own of course, the girls came with me.
I've booked up to go to visit my friends in Suffolk in a few weeks, and I'm going to a coffee morning in Welwyn next Saturday... then there was the trip to the Zoo! So, last Monday the girls decided we would go to Shepreth, after work I got changed quick and caught the train (on my own) to Shepreth and the girls met me there in the car. The zoo is right beside the train station and it was perfect timing as it was really quiet, no small people getting under my feet! Its a really nice place to visit, but I found I got tired really quickly, it was a hot sunny day, I've lost my 'good' sunglasses, so had I crappy old pair on, all that looking for animals in their enclosures was just too much, I found I couldn't keep up with the girls and needed to sit down often!
Writing all this down has made me realise how mentally 'unwell' I was at the end of last year, I felt like a thick fog was wrapped around me and no amount of swishing my arms about was going to shift that fog, I was being suffocated, I couldn't see which way to turn, and I now realise that I was pushed into making certain decisions, and that some situations were totally unfair. I am angry that I let this difficult time effect me so badly and feel that I should have dealt with my employment situation totally differently, the very first mistake was letting someone write a risk assessment about me while sitting in a little room and not actually seeing me in my role, from there the mistakes escalated until I was so low and felt so useless, that the only thing to do was go quietly.
For a long time I felt that I wouldn't be any use to anyone again, anyone that knows depression will understand that feeling of emptiness, Christmas was coming and I gave no care! Even when I started to gather my broken bits together and try to get back on track, I had walked into a job that I knew nothing about, and I suppose in the back of my mind I was convincing myself that all I was doing was setting myself up to fail again. But I haven't! Six months down the line and the fog is clearing, I see things differently and I become stronger and more confident every day.
I often wonder if people really think about how they treat others, do people realise how they deal with situations can destroy a person. Mental health is such a important topic these days and yet there is still situations like mine happening, life is cruel enough without having to fight to prove yourself .
I have totally gone off task! The other very important event...which actually happens on FRIDAY, is that I'm going on a driving experience day, its rolled around so quickly, I cant tell you what it means to be doing something like this, something I thought I would NEVER be able to do, I just hope I can hold it together and not become too emotional, of course I will let you all know how it goes!
xx
Since the last blog I wrote, I've done loads! And, I have to say, I'm a little proud of myself!
So, Mum and I went to the RAH to see Carl Craig..OHHH MAN! You have to check this guy out. There we were, Mum and I, sat quietly in our box, waiting for a gentle classical evening to start. When the lights dimmed, our seats started vibrating and the laser lighting began strobing around the building, I knew this was not the ususal type of classical music event we were used to attending. The whole building was vibrating with the bass and you just had to tap or move to the beat, and then, in middle of all the loud music, were classical instruments, a harp, a piano and a lady playing a violin! Who knew a DJ from Detroit and a orchestra could make such amazing sounds together, It was an incredible night, the lighting was out of this world, in fact, maybe even the best event so far! Added to that, we didn't have any disasters!
I wrote the review the following day with a massive smile on my face while I remembered the night before! Mum even asked if I could see if I could find the event on a CD!
I continued with the research for Tesco/RNIB, which was really interesting, and I got selected to attend a 'top secret' meeting with two other people from my area. I really like listening to other peoples stories, so meeting with other people with different disabilities was, well, captivating, really.
The whole experience encouraged me to find my voice again, and I confidently chatted as part of the group instead of sitting on the edge of my chair praying that time would go quicker so I could go home.
As my confidence has grown so much I thought id give swimming another go, my girls and I have been going to ladies night on a Wednesday evening, the first week I could barely manage 10 lengths, last week I comfortably did 22, and could have done more if it wasn't for the fact that Mum and my youngest have joined the aquagym, which starts at the same time but only runs for an hour.
I even pushed myself into town on a Saturday! Not on my own of course, the girls came with me.
I've booked up to go to visit my friends in Suffolk in a few weeks, and I'm going to a coffee morning in Welwyn next Saturday... then there was the trip to the Zoo! So, last Monday the girls decided we would go to Shepreth, after work I got changed quick and caught the train (on my own) to Shepreth and the girls met me there in the car. The zoo is right beside the train station and it was perfect timing as it was really quiet, no small people getting under my feet! Its a really nice place to visit, but I found I got tired really quickly, it was a hot sunny day, I've lost my 'good' sunglasses, so had I crappy old pair on, all that looking for animals in their enclosures was just too much, I found I couldn't keep up with the girls and needed to sit down often!
Writing all this down has made me realise how mentally 'unwell' I was at the end of last year, I felt like a thick fog was wrapped around me and no amount of swishing my arms about was going to shift that fog, I was being suffocated, I couldn't see which way to turn, and I now realise that I was pushed into making certain decisions, and that some situations were totally unfair. I am angry that I let this difficult time effect me so badly and feel that I should have dealt with my employment situation totally differently, the very first mistake was letting someone write a risk assessment about me while sitting in a little room and not actually seeing me in my role, from there the mistakes escalated until I was so low and felt so useless, that the only thing to do was go quietly.
For a long time I felt that I wouldn't be any use to anyone again, anyone that knows depression will understand that feeling of emptiness, Christmas was coming and I gave no care! Even when I started to gather my broken bits together and try to get back on track, I had walked into a job that I knew nothing about, and I suppose in the back of my mind I was convincing myself that all I was doing was setting myself up to fail again. But I haven't! Six months down the line and the fog is clearing, I see things differently and I become stronger and more confident every day.
I often wonder if people really think about how they treat others, do people realise how they deal with situations can destroy a person. Mental health is such a important topic these days and yet there is still situations like mine happening, life is cruel enough without having to fight to prove yourself .
I have totally gone off task! The other very important event...which actually happens on FRIDAY, is that I'm going on a driving experience day, its rolled around so quickly, I cant tell you what it means to be doing something like this, something I thought I would NEVER be able to do, I just hope I can hold it together and not become too emotional, of course I will let you all know how it goes!
xx
Friday, 26 April 2019
Staying Calm
I started writing this blog nearly two weeks ago, I've lost count how many times I've thought about finishing it, then something more demanding rears its head. I had started the week after my last blog with such good vibes and a determination to push myself out of my comfort zone.
I finally renewed my disabled railcard in anticipation of my pending trip to the Royal Albert Hall this Sunday to see Carl Craig with Chineke Orchestra....I truly have no idea who Carl Craig is, but being in the RAH and listening to the sounds of any kind of music is where I find something special deep in my soul that I didn't know existed. And of course there's writing the review afterwards which as you all know, I love!
I also joined a group called the sunflower community that is working towards introducing Lanyards for people with invisible disabilities into supermarkets and have been completing tasks for them help them with their project. Each day over three weeks we are given a task, and then we report back our findings. Its actually good fun and its causing me to think outside my little tiny box which I seem to have found myself comfortably settled in.
Continuing with the pushing myself theme...thanks to a lovely lady....I'm going to do a spot of driving!! Yes, me, blind lady doing driving!! I've a feeling its a four wheel drive (sadly not a tank) with a instructor/guide type person. You drive for 30 mins and I'm so bloody excited I cant tell you! Its on the 31st May. I had seen a post on the RNIB east of England Facebook page ages ago and I thought it sounded like a fab idea, but as time ticked on and there was a date in place I was feeling a whole lot less confident, but I've been encouraged to attend, so I will go, the box is ticked! It is held in Thetford, and I was really panicked about getting there on the train, but its actually a easy run from here, only having to change once, and I will definitely be booking assistance though because it helps so much!
So, all this happened at the start of last week and I was feeling like I was some sort of super hero special confident type lady, only to be put right back in my place on Tuesday.
Tuesday... things started to go rapidly down hill! My partner got rushed into hospital, and while I wont bore you with all the gory details, I found myself sitting in Resus at 10 o'clock at night, he was safely tucked up in a bed with tubes sprouting out of everywhere, and suddenly I realised I was on my own, in a hospital and now I had to find my way out...all on my own!
As soon as the consultant told me that my not-so better half wasn't going anywhere that night except for CT scan, I began to panic.
I had spent all day following nurses and doctors around, and I had been sat beside this shadow of a big man for hours listening to his machine bleeping away, that when I was told to go home and get some rest as there was nothing more I could do that night. I suddenly realised that I had no idea where I was in the hospital or how to get out. I felt I couldn't ask the staff as there was a constant flow of ambulances bringing casualties into the area and they were completely rushed off their feet. HOWEVER, when a young nurse came in to check the machines and do his obs, I bravely....for me...told her my situation and that my daughter was coming to fetch me but I wouldn't be able to make my way to her especially as it was now dark outside and I hadn't bought my cane, I was also fully aware that I had only seen patients with one family member in this area so I knew my daughter wouldn't be able to come to me.
The young nurse, phoned through to A&E and told the receptionist to expect someone to come asking for me, the next moment my daughter was quietly brought to Resus and that was that! Easy peasy.
Except when I got home I started feeling guilty that my last few moments at the hospital were spent worrying about myself instead of the man in the bed. Wednesday and Thursday were a complete blur of running back and forth to the hospital, sorting medicine, going to work and trying to keep the house functioning normally, mind you, I have to say I completely failed on the last one as by Sunday the whole house looked like a herd of Elephants with a need to try on every pair of shoes and item of clothing on they could find and leave them where they fancied had passed through my house.
So I really did have to put on my big girl pants and get on with it, on-one was going to come along and sprinkle fairy dust over me and make everything alright, so the proof that I can move out of my little safety net is just there.
Life seems to have evened out a bit this week, but I'm so tired, I forget that I cant function like I used to when my sight was better so as well as learning to push myself out of the comfort zone, it seems I need to learn to accept when my brain has had enough and rest! You all know that rest doesn't come easy to me, and tonight, I sit on the sofa, the only sound is the rain on the conservatory roof, Ralph is curled up beside me, my eldest has gone out with some friends from work...my youngest has decided to go to a nightclub!!! My girl is 18, she is a homegirl, the best thing in the world is to cuddle up with a bowl of fruit and watch old episodes of casualty with her Mumma. My mummy wisdom fell on deaf ears as I advise that for her very first taste of night life, she chooses a local town with some lively pubs and bars. So the child who, growing up, hated crowded places and loud noise decides she will be going to Milton Keynes (a good 40 minute drive away) to a night club called Pink Punters!! Not only that but she and her mates have booked themselves into a local hotel for the night...cos the club doesn't open until 9.30pm and closes at 6.30am!!
Honest to something more heavenly...I literally have spent the last two days following her around...so, text me when you get there... if someone offers you a drink...you say no thank you...if someone buys you a drink and gives it to you...you do not drink it.....if you are feeling unsafe...you go to the bar and ask if 'Angela' is working tonight....you stay with your friends, you do not get parallactic, you will text me every 20 minutes so I know you are ok!! ohh and you will text me when you are back in the hotel and you will text me when you are ready to leave on Saturday morning! AND by the way....have a really lovely time!
Am I just about the crappiest Mum ever?! I am trying to remind myself that I was a teenager once too, and I got into wayyyy much more trouble than she has, so why and I so afraid!
I'm glad its raining, the drumming sound on the roof is calming and I need to stay calm!! This parenting lark gets harder, I look at my friends with their little sweet cute baby daughters and think...HA...Just you bloody wait!!
Hope you speak soon guys...but don't bank on it!
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