I tell you what everyone, I am seriously beginning to wonder if there is some-one somewhere with a little doll in a replica of me and they are shoving pins in me until I cant stand it anymore, until I turn on the news and hear that a bomb has gone off on a tube and there has been a dreadful crash on the M5, suddenly my shitty (shitty literally) time isn't quite up there on the scale of horrendous things that change peoples lives.
As you all know I went off for a Colonoscopy last week, I carefully followed the diet plan and started taking the Moviprep the day before....for anyone who hasn't had to take this stuff, its bloody disgusting, it says that it is lemon flavour, well, I didn't taste any lemon! It smells foul, it tastes foul and what it does to your body is also foul. So you make up your 2 litres of revolting medicine by adding water to the sachets they give you, then you drink the whole 2 litres. I drank 1 the day before and the other the morning of the procedure. Within 15 minutes of taking the first few sips I was on the loo. Any talk of going to work was completely out of the question. Apart from my stomach making terrible noises, there was no warning and a couple of times I found myself sitting on the sofa happily listening to rubbish on the telly and then having to leap up, clutching my backside and doing a strange waddle dance to the loo praying there wasnt anyone in there, and god forbid if I had to run upstairs to use the bathroom. This then led of the inevitable soreness, and oh my gawd was it sore!! Thank goodness for wet wipes, sudocream and talcum powder.
I did start to worry about how I was going to get from my house to the hospital with out needing to stop and releave myself at the side of the road but it seems your body empties its self really quickly and before you know it there is literally nothing left.
We get to the hospital in plenty of time for my 2.30 appointment, and we sit there and watch people walk in and hobble out, it would have been funny if I hadn't have been on the list. As time ticked on it occurred to me that people were going in who had arrived after me and after sitting for over an hour I was sure I had been forgotten, just as my fella was about to question the receptionist the nurse came bustling along full of apologies as the receptionist hadn't booked me in....just you wait receptionist lady, your card is marked!!
So then all the boring stuff happens you get admitted, forms get filled in, the nurse terrifies you with a diagram of how the camera will travel up you bum and around the tubes and how uncomfortable it is and the worst scenarios, thank you for that dear nursey, but all I want to do is get this over with so I can eat....I haven't eaten for TWO days I am bloody starving!!
Next my man gets sent to wait in the family area and I am sent to change into a very attractive pair of blue paper shorts with a delightful hole in the back for easy access! The nurse kept reminding me to ensure the hole was at the back...Like I am going to make that mistake, I hardly want a camera shoved up the front passages now do I?
There I am looking all glam in my blue shorts and my fetching gown that ties up at the back, and he only two things I can think about are food and how much of my arse can people see through these shorts!
Once I had the cannula fitted there was no going back, and before I knew it the doctor was asking me to lay on my left side and a nurse was syringing something into the cannula. And that was that! The next thing I remember was waking up in recovery and feeling like I was on cloud nine. The nurse was asking me if I would like a cheese sandwich or biscuits....stupid woman! As I sat there with a massive tin of biscuits another nurse came round to tell me that my tubes were fine but they had taken a biopsy or two and the results of these would take about eight weeks.....who cares!! I have the biggest tin of biscuits in the world.
Then I was sent home, that's when the problems started, I had noticed a big black floater had appeared in my 'good' eye a week or so ago but I put it down to all the stress we have been under, and the effects of the sedation seemed to have made it worse, and I just seem to be taking a long while to get back to being me. The hospital had already told me that I shouldn't go to work Friday, so I stayed at home and struggled to remember which things go in which cupboards and how to spell words that I usually don't think twice about. Saturday I went to Pinehill hospital as per instructed for my follow up appointment only to find the computer system was down and the doctor couldn't look at my notes, so go away and we will send you another appointment when we have the results of the biopsy.
This upset me a bit, one, because he was cranky with me, and two, because its a hell of a walk back into town where I was going to catch the bus home.
So off I stomp, as I walked I noticed that the black floater was blacker and I had started to get little flashes of light at the top of my eye.
I stood in the middle of Hitchin town centre wanting to cry, so I rang my Daughter we had a casual chat which calmed me and I wondered up to Sainsbury where she said she would collect me as soon as she had finished work. (seriously, if you could see how bad it is to type words correctly right now you wouldn't understand what I was writing)
Anyway, to cut a long story shorter, I ended up later that day back in Hitchin with a emergency appointment at Specsavers, they checked my eyes thoroughly but decided I should go to Moorfields where they could check better.
So there I stand at 5.30 on a Saturday afternoon outside Specsavers in the pouring rain weighing up my options. I could go flying off into London and sit in Moorfields A&E for the next few hours, or I could go home and see if can could sleep it off!!
Sounds daft but, I think the trauma from the sedation and the fact that I am pretty sure I am dehydrated AND i am just bloody knackered has put pressure on and its a warning sign to stop and rest for a bit. So with a promise to go to Moorfields with my letter from the ophthalmologist if things get worse, and to go to the Doctors first thing Monday and get some rest, I went home.
Today, my head still isn't working properly and my co-ordination is completely out, the black floater is still there but the flashing light seems to have stopped, I want to take Ralph for a walk but if you could see how long it has taken me to write this blog you will understand that the best place for me is on the sofa today.
I apologise for any spelling mistakes or if parts don't make any sense, I am hoping its a temporary glitch.
Speak Soon xx
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