Sunny Weekend

Hi everyone, what a beautiful weekend we've just had here, the weather has been glorious and although we haven't had much planned I feel that we have been constantly on the go. Friday night the girls and I went to our local pub for open mic night....NO! I cannot sing, but a friend of ours can, he also plays guitar, and did a splendid rendition of Princes, 'Purple Rain' one of my favourite tunes!
This was also a good opportunity to catch up with my bestie sitting in the pub garden with a glass of something nice. I used to go in this pub in my younger days nearly every weekend and although the management has changed, the layout (and the décor and some of the errr, regulars, we'll call them) haven't, again I am always in awe of what the brain remembers, mind had remembered every step of the building, filling me full of confidence as I strutted my way to the bar to order drinks. It was a nice evening, and we were home by 9.30, pj's on by 9.45,bed by 10! see, I really know how to rock.
Saturday morning with the sun streaming through my window and not even a sign of a head ache, though this was probably due to only having a Archers and Lemonade and then a diet coke the night before, I get to thinking about my garden. My girls are teenagers so they sleep in till at least lunchtime, I am middle aged which means I wake up at 5am for a wee, doze off for a hour and am buzzing around looking for things to do buy 6.30am. So, you remember I told you about my vegetables going into the ground where the slabs were...well, it seems the soil under the slabs is only about a inch deep before it hits concrete, so after a quick shopping trip into town with the bestie, I walk Ralph and one daughter, only one because the other is still under the duvet, to Langford garden centre to buy massive pots and more soil

My sweetcorn, potatoes and courgettes are all in and my onions, peppers, chilli and carrots are not quite ready to go out yet.

So, it all turned out ok in the end, and hopefully they will all grow just as well in the pots as in they would in the ground! I also put in all the flowers, Mum gave me a load of Marigolds and I popped them around in pots too.

Sunday, was beautiful again, so after my Tesco delivery the girls, Ralph and I all went for a long walk over the fields and along the river where we live..

Needless to say we all felt a little like Ralph when we got home....

Unfortunately, this meant that this morning when I went to get up for work, my head was throbbing and my eyes were aching, I had crammed way to much activity into the weekend and although its fab to see the sun, it does tend to drain me. So, I stayed home, the trouble with me is although I am struggling I don't seem to be able to sit still, I had taken a drink back to bed with me after making sure the girls got off ok, and then because I have clumsy hands when I feel like this I knocked the drink all over my bed meaning...guess what? change the sheets, then, I might as well do the girls beds, although it took me twice as long as it usually does, I battled on, after stuffing the sheets in the washing machine, I flopped on the sofa and closed my eyes, within five minutes I was wide awake and wondering what to do next! It was the whole devil on one shoulder, Angel on the other situation, so ignoring the devil and the hoover I listened to my angel and routed around in my wardrobe for something to do that would keep me sat still for a while.  Then I found it....a Large piece jigsaw puzzle! I had brought quite a few puzzles when I was signed off work and enjoyed doing them, as time went on and my sight got worse, I tucked them in the loft and forgot about them until my sister asked to borrow one after her op (seems not being able to sit still runs in the family) anyway, I got comfy and prepared myself for being disappointed that I couldn't see enough to do it. I was pleasantly surprised, I loved it, it took a lot of concentration, but it didn't matter, there was no rush, the pieces are cut in to all different shapes, so if there is a piece that you cant make out, you'll be able to match it by the shape, also although this particular puzzle looks really busy, there's not a lot of one colour, if you know what I mean, there's not too much sky or too much grass, there's lots going on and that somehow makes it easier.

This puzzle is made by a company called HOP I think I paid about £7.99 for a 250 piece and about £12.00 for a 500 piece, I got them from the local garden centre and the Koi carp centre in Henlow, my photos don't really do the puzzle justice, check them out though, very relaxing, I wanted to have a go at the adult colouring books, but they are way too small and they don't seem to do them in large print...mind you I suppose they would be kids colouring books them ! :)

 I am due my second counselling session on Thursday, and although I am excited for this it has made me think about the past a lot over the last week or so, thinking about all the memories, changes and challenges, the ups and downs along the way has caused many mixed emotions, but thinking all this through has, sort of, make me want to change things... change myself, its easy to just accept you are who you are, but its also easy to tweak and make changes, and to have things to look forward to instead of living in the past, what is it they say....there's nothing you can do about the past, the future will pan its self out, so live for the now!....or something like that anyway. Sooooo my bestie and I have decided to go back to weight watchers, we went about four or five years ago, and frankly looked like a couple of hot babes by the time we were done, I recon we must have lost about 4 stone between us, so Thursday we will be joining again! And get this...they do large print weight loss packs!!

I will think very carefully about sharing my weight with you all after Thursday :)

RNIB Counselling and Veg!

Hi everyone, I thought I would try having a lie in this morning, but the sun was shinning through my window at 6am so here I am an hour later ready to start Saturday. I am still struggling with the three day working week thing, I wake up in the morning truly having no idea what day it is, which at first was funny but now is just very annoying, it doesn't help that my eldest has had her school timetable changed so is home some days and school some others, study leave starts in a couple of weeks so its all changing. Although I have had three weeks of doing three days, not one of those days off has been solely for me to do what I want, not that I'm complaining, as I worry a bit about if suddenly people stop saying, ohhhh you're off on Tuesday, lets go shopping, or lets do lunch, will I get lonely? Or, maybe the days are meant to fill naturally, I don't know, time will tell I suppose.
This week I feel I have been carried along in a big bubble, totally unaware of things being said to me or things going on around me, maybe its my age, or maybe its because I had my first counselling session this week, I am a big 'thinker/worrier' and what I was going to say in my first email was worrying me, so, you have to make sure your email reaches your counsellor and RNIB the day before your appointment, it can be no longer than 1000 words and you can begin wherever you want. My appointment was on Thursday at 10am, so I sat quietly on the Sunday before and tried to compose my email, there I found I had no idea what to write, so I began with a brief outline of my condition, personal and work life, I think it came to about 350 words and I pinged it off to my counsellor. You are given a slot and the counsellor replies to your email at the end of the session, which is about 40 minutes long, with another email. I was concerned that counselling via email would be less personal but the email that came back was very in-depth and long! These people are very obviously very, very well trained, from my very short email she had picked up lots of things and information that I didn't even realise I had given, and had asked lots of questions for me to reply too. I had wondered that the service would focus on sight loss, but she had picked up every little piece of information and was encouraging me to elaborate on it, oh also, before you start with them, you sign a agreement that no-one can read any of the emails and no information can be shared as firstly its confidential and then they own the copyright, so although I am sharing the fact that I am having counselling with you guys, I cannot tell you about the content.  I wanted to encourage people not to dismiss the idea of receiving help through RNIB or any other organisation that provides counselling through these channels, as I've said before, counselling can be through email, instant messaging or via skype (or something like skype), I like the email because you can refer back to it, unless your session is being recorded for you (and lots of people find it hard to listen to the sound of their own voices) with such a lot of information being shared sometimes it had to retain and digest all that's been said, with email, you can go back and read it again and again. I think this is a massive step forward for me, for many different reasons, sometimes its not about needing help or making massive changes, sometimes its about talking through the changes that have already happened, working through emotions, thoughts and feelings with someone totally independent, for me sharing Diary of a Blind Lady with you guys has been a massive therapy, and at times I may have been too honest, but some of my life I cannot share with the world, some of what you go through in life you lock away, and for me opening up to you all about some stuff has made me need to download all the other little things that are tucked away in little boxes at the back of my mind, I hope this makes sense, I know I am rambling a bit, so I am going to change the subject.
Wow, I feel like I just got off my soap box as my Gran used to say! So, with this extra time I have on my hands, I thought I would have a go at.....growing vegetables!!! I didn't realise how excited I am getting over vegetable, I mean, I've been to Mum's and my mates house, and they go...ohhhh, come look what I'm growing in the greenhouse! Or, look at my veggie plot, and I'M like yeah yeah, that's realllly fab, BUT OMG, what fun, so I am growing, sweetcorn, peppers, chilli, spring onion, onion, marrow, potatoes and rhubarb, oh and carrots I had no idea what to grow, so we went with what we eat the most, I only have a little garden, but at the end of it there's a little patio where my ex used to stand his motorbike, some of the slabs were oily or cracked so I took some of them up and dug it up, I got a little fertiliser and worked it in, and last weekend I sowed the seeds in trays in the conservatory....Let me just go take some photos.....

Its a bit Stoney and looks quite small, but people grow their veg in patio pots, so i am hoping it will all be good! 

Delighted to see little plants growing.............But look at my flowers I (well, the help from Mum) planted a few weeks ago, they are Massive!!

We started the seeds out in trays and then Mum helped me do the pricking out thing, and we put them in those trays with the individual little pot things, and then about three weeks ago, mum gave me some old pots, I did the pricking out thing again as the plants were bigger and they are just going mad! :)

Every day the girls and I have a little confab on how well the seeds are doing, never realised growing veg would generate such a feeling of pride and wellbeing!

Well, the washing machine has finished, so I suppose I should go put it on the line.

I will try and blog more often as several people keep asking me when the next one will be, the only worry I have with blogging too much is that it becomes boring!

 .

Visual Impairment Team update

Hi everyone, well, Saturday morning and the end of my first three day working week, I don't mind telling you, its been weird! Monday was a training day, but I finished before lunch, leaving me the rest of the afternoon to do what I wanted, as it happens I actually spend all afternoon cleaning up the cup cake disaster that had exploded in my kitchen thanks to my youngest daughter. Then along came Tuesday, my very first Tuesday off. I had all these plans in my mind, walk the dog for miles, do some gardening, go for a swim, catch the bus into town and wander around the shops, maybe sit in a coffee shop and watch the world go by....what did we wake up to Tuesday morning in Bedfordshire?? Pouring bloody rain! I lay in my bed with the duvet under my chin wondering what on earth I had done, the girls went off to school, Ralph wriggled himself right to the back of his bed with a 'Don't EVEN think about taking me out in this weather' look in his eyes. So, I did the house work, which was all done by 8.45am, my mood was low, my sister had gone into hospital that morning for a operation, so I suppose my glumness might have been confused with anxiousness. I messed around for a couple of hours, we had had a problem with our land phone line, there was a message from the counselling team at RNIB on the answer phone but I couldn't retrieve it, so I spent a while shouting at a electronic voice on the BT help line from my mobile. Then at 10oclock I remembered that I had another visit from Bedfordshire Visual Impairment Team at 10.30!! I Jumped in the shower quick and tried to make myself look better than I was feeling, by then my mood had turned from low to fowl, by the time the door bell rang I was ready to punch someone's face in! In breezes Rob with his clam and relaxed demeanour, he listened to my moaning (sometimes you don't want anyone to do anything about the problem because you know you can deal with it yourself, you just NEED someone to whinge at) so I whinged! I sat slumped in the chair, with my arms folded across my chest with a grumpy red face, I must have looked like a six year old who had been told she had to put her Barbie's away and go to bed! Trouble is, I am half Italian, an Aries by birth sign and incredibly head strong, when I am pissed off, god help anyone who tries to help me, I could argue with my own shadow!
So, Rob sits and listens, offers to ring BT, which gets a sharp NO THANKYOU! Funny how some people you just click with, he
just seemed to know that if he went on he was looking at a black eye at the very least, so he pull out some gadgets from a bag, so the first one was a level water indicator, I've had one before, you pop it on the rim of a cup or whatever you are filling up and when the liquid gets near the top it beeps so you don't over fill, pretty nifty but not enough to make me smile.

Next chopping boards, he hadn't brought any with him as he needed to know what colour I wanted before ordering them....at that moment in time I didn't give a flying F what colour chopping board I needed to help me in the kitchen so I have a contrast between the board and the thing I am cutting and avoid slicing my fingers (ungrateful old bitch that I am) so he orders, green, yellow and red..I think!!
Then he puts this little box on the table, its a electric magnifier, this actual design they don't make anymore and is just a demo, but my gawd, what a incredible device. So, its about the size of your average calculator, with a little handle that pulls out from the side, this one is quite heavy but Rob assures me the newer versions are much lighter,  I found I could easily read labels and even a couple of pages of a book with it. The colour contasts can be changed giving my a choice of different coloured back grounds and font, therefore providing different contasts to use when the lighting in different environments is different. That's a lot of different!! Anyway, its also perfect for putting in my handbag...my mood is starting to lift as a undated version is put on the order form! Next he informs me that he cant change the strip lighting under my kitchen wall cupboards to white lights as he cant find them anywhere, so he has this little portable white light that he shows me, so there I am getting all excited about a light!! Its very lightweight and compact, off I go marching around the house with Rob in tow, saying...ohhhhhlook, that's perfect for seeing in my cloak cupboard, and in my kitchen cupboards oh and my wardbrobes, I am so excited to be able to see what I want and just getting it rather than emptying the whole cupboard to find what I want and then just shoving it all back, my cupboards might even stay tidy! I also showed him how great it would be when using the PC as I struggle to use the keyboard and the lighting in that room is awful. I was in such a whirlwind, I felt like a child who had gone into a sweet shop and found that it was a try before you buy day! I turned around to find Rob standing with one hand on his hip and the other rubbing his forehead, my stomach sinks...WHAT?? ...Why the hell didn't you tell  me all this before, if you don't tell me what you need I cant help you....WHAT??  We have lighting especially for cupboards and also a large keyboard with lights and fancy bits on, would you like me to order some?? That's it, all the sweets in the shop are thrown in the air and I can eat as many as I want AND take some home!......Ohhhh go on then, yes please order some!. Back at my dining table, he goes through his paperwork and informs me that the council will be out to repair the slab at the back of my propery that I trip over everytime I put the bins out and remove the plastic in the tree!! Also I am on the waiting list for security lighting and they will be contacting me soon. 
After Rob had gone, I noticed the rain had stopped, Ralph had moved to the front of his bed, so off we went on a long, very muddy stomp across the fields, popped in to see my Mum and catch up on any news on my sister and then we went home. I then sat and sorted the problem with BT and was able to retrieve my answer phone message, I spoke to a lady at RNIB called Maria, who explained that they offer telephone, instant messaging or email councelling, 1 opted for email, Maria sent me a questionnaire and a sort of agreement thing, which I filled in and sent straight back, now I just need to wait for my first 'appointment'. Before I knew it my day off was nearly over, but what a fantastic feeling it was when on Wednesday at 3.45, I came out of work knowing I had Thursday off. Thursday I did some of the lovely things I had wanted to do on Tuesday. Just goes to show, you never know what the day will bring, we will all get there in the end, just sometimes we have to drag ourselves through the crappy days first!! x

Easter

Hello folks, I hope everyone had a good Easter, The girls and I have had a two week break, and although we planned to do nothing we don't seem to have stopped! At the start of the break I had my Birthday, it started as a wet day, but got brighter as the hours ticked on, I had a lovely day spent with Family popping round with loads of cool gifts and cards, I got a little chest box full of arty stuff, chocolate and stuff for a relaxing bath..perfect.

I must say we went for a meal at a pub in Hitchin called The Three Moorhens, my partner had asked for a table with good lighting but tucked away from the noise of the pub, but because it was bank holiday Monday I thought we wouldn't stand a chance, but we got exactly what we asked for, the menu was fairly good to read with my magnifier, I have a small dome magnifier which I keep in my handbag, everyone comments on how nifty it is!

Anyway, we had a fantastic meal so very big thumbs up to The Three Moorhens, we ended the day by taking Ralph for a long walk. Easter Sunday we strayed away from the traditional roast lamb dinner and went full on Italian, my Dad was Italian and my grandparents were both very good cooks, although we didn't realise how good Grandad was until after Grandma died and he had to cook for himself! My youngest Sister and I made (with a little guidance from my Aunt in Australia..Hello Aunty Phyllis!) cheese ravioli, tones of it, we made our pasta and my girls and my nieces had a great time rolling the pasta dough through the machine, we made a cheese filling and our very own D'Addario pasta sauce.

I remember Easters at my grandparents house, Grandma would have a great long table that stretched for what seemed like all the way from her living room into the dinning room, and it was packed with food, pasta , meats, cheeses, fruit, lots of Granddads home made red wine...OHHH LORDIE, Mum used to dress my sisters and I in the same dresses for these occasions, we used to have these matching blue velvet dresses with white lace around the neck line, white long socks and red patient shoes, thank gawd not many photographs were taken in those days, brings back fond memories though, all the kids used to sit out in the conservatory to eat and Grandma used to get us to sing and dance for everyone in the afternoon, oh dear I seem to have gone right off track! So anyway, that was Easter over and done with, we have cleaned the house, cleared out cupboards and done some gardening, my mates hubby Steve came round to see if he could remove the blessed plastic from the tree but, like I said its wayyy to high for anyone to reach safely. I had been informed that the patio outside my back door was looking grubby, so I thought I would get out the pressure washer and give it a bash, how hard can it be right? My neighbour had done his a few days before and HE was wearing a white tshirt! So there I was happily spraying away, humming to myself and thinking how very clever I was to be able to make this machine work and spray all this water, ohhh yeah, I'm having a great time! and then I was finished, so I swept up all this very muddy dirty water and stepped back to check out my new found skills, only to discover that I hadn't shut the back door, there was thick brown mud dripping off of the conservatory door on to the tiles, I gently pushed the door open and Ohhhh balls, it was everywhere, and I mean everywhere, all over the floor, up the walls, it covered my dining table and chairs it had even spread to the interior glass doors, for some reason I stood there for ages before I could move, then Ralph came running through, skidded to a halt in front of me, looked me up and down and legged it back into the house, it was then I realised that there was no way I would ever be able to wear a white Tshirt, I was covered top to toe in gritty mud, sadly the girls found this hilarious...until I made them help me clear up the mud slide!
I seem to have gone off track again, So, you will be pleased to hear I finally have my hospital appointment for Moorfields, although its not until mid June, I am relieved I have it and it has taken some of the pressure off knowing that I will be going back there. I also had a home visit from Bedfordshire Visual Impairment team, I have mentioned Rob before and am very please that he has been given my case again, Rob is very easy to talk to and completely understanding and realistic. We talked for some time about how I am feeling and where I need help the most, as anyone who knows me will say I am not the easiest person to get along with and I refuse to ask for help, however, I haven't seen Rob for a few years and the person I was then is not the person I am at the moment, a lot has happened in those few years, and I am ashamed to say I opened up and had a good howl, tears and snot everywhere! Rob gentle suggested that it might be time to have some kind of professional emotional support, and if I hadn't seen first hand the support, understanding and guidance my daughter has received form her appointments with Fran at CHUMS I still would have refused it, but this time as I sat with snotty tissues scattered around me and I accepted and Rob is arranging counselling from RNIB.....I will let you know how it goes and I promise to go into it with a open mind and ready to accept what every they might say to me! Ohh yes, I also go a glass magnifier for my Birthday, I have always had plastic ones and frankly they are crap, but Rob suggested I have a electronic magnifier and a white light lamp to use in the kitchen, we talked about changing the spot lights in my kitchen and decided that replacing them with strip lights is a waste of time as by the time any light from the ceiling reaches where I am working, its pretty useless anyway, so hopefully the portable lamp I will be able to use all around the house, ermmm what else, oh yes, the bloody plastic up the tree, he says he is going to have a chat to the council...good luck with that! and also look at some security lighting for out the back of the house so I stop tripping and falling on my face when I put the bins out at night, I know I could put the bins out during the day, but you never know when you might need to wonder to the end of the garden in the dark! and seriously, a security light does what its supposed to do its a deterrent and makes one feel secure in ones own home don't you know!
I have also passed on my council tax drama onto the lovely Tracy at Action for Blind, she will sort through the endless stupid paper work and set up a conference call so it can be sorted, I think I told you that I lost my single person benefit because my daughter turned 18, this is all lovely, but at the moment is still in full time education and doesn't have a job, its a constant battle with these people and its such a relief to have support form someone who knows what the hell they are talking about! Anyway, I start my new working hours next week and today is the last day of the Easter hols, the sun is shinning so I am off out for a walk, I will let you all know how I get on with the new gadgets, Bye for now x
Just a quick photo of my glass magnifier, I know it looks like something out of a old mystery movie, but its brilliant!!

Ranting!

Hi every body, Its a beautiful morning here, after a night of heavy rain the sun is shining and there is all sorts of lovely spring smells coming through my open bedroom window. After such a sad and tragic week I feel guilty at the warm feeling I have knowing all my family and friends are safe. I stood in my living room on Wednesday morning listening to the news, so many lives lost and shattered, and for what? I stood there for a very long time feeling sad and angry all at the same time. We had started to make arrangements to go into London a couple of times over the Easter break, and I have found myself changing my plans for fear of putting my children in danger! How crazy is that! Living in fear of what might happen, this is just what these, I supposed you would have to call them people, want us to do.
Thinking about London reminded me that I haven't heard anything from the hospital, my referral had been sent off about six weeks ago and Moorfields are usually quite quick with appointment dates, even if its a while until your appointment, they usually send it out quite quick, so, I turn the telly off and go rummaging around for the phone number for my Dr's secretary, after phoning four different numbers I find I am talking to a lady called June, who taps in my details on her computer which brings up all my details, and bet you cant guess what?.....You got it, no referral has been received! But I bloody checked with my GP that it had been sent....June tells me to call GP surgery and tell them to fax through the letter...Thankyou June, who was polite, friendly and helpful, she will ring me back as soon as she receives the fax.....I call GP surgery who assure me the referral HAS been sent, welllll, they haven't bloody got it so please fax it through on this number for the attention of June, Thankyou!....Then I wait, after half an hour June calls back, I am thinking she will give me a appointment over the phone....ohhhh no, June is sorry, but the GP surgery have referred you to the wrong hospital, this letter is for Bedford! FOR EFFS SAKE!!! Ring  the GP back again and ask them to re address the letter to Moorfields London.....this time the lady on the end of the phone at my GP surgery isn't so helpful...we refer all our patients to Bedford hospital, yes dear that lovely, but I am not under Bedford bloody hospital I am under Moorfields! I must add that there is a Moorfields clinic at Bedford hospital, but when I asked Dr Andrews at London Moorfields if I could attend that clinic instead of going into London as it nearer to my home, he just said NO and walked away, then came back five minutes later moaning about not taking risks and I was to remain under his clinic so he could keep an eye on me (excuse the pun). Anyway, the moody lady on the other end of the phone assured me that she would get the letter re addressed and faxed straight over...still haven't heard anything! If it wasn't for the fact that I would be wasting nurses and consultants time, and depriving real A&E patients of being seen a bit quicker, I would have jumped on the train and parked myself at Moorfields A&E until I was seen. So, as by then I was in a bit of a mood myself, I thought I would ring the council, they are always up for a good fight. some months ago, the council retiled the roofs of some of the bungalows near my house, they did it when we had all that really awful weather with heavy rain and very high winds, during one of these storms some of the plastic from the roof blew off and entangled itself in my neighbours tree, she is probably in her 60's, lives alone and has something wrong with her knees, she has had many operations to help her walk, anyway, all I can hear is this bloody plastic blowing around, the tree isn't climbable and the plastic is too high to reach safely. At night it keeps me awake, and it disorientates me as its a unfamiliar sound, equally its bloody annoying.  I am so silly though because the lady at the council, was like....what you taking about woman? That ant no problem of ours, you gotta sort it out wiv you neighbour!! Betcha bottom dollar if I went out with a chainsaw and started chopping down trees at the edge of the road the buggers would soon see it as their problem. Ah well, we live and we learn, so if I don't post again for a while its because I am stuck up the tree, so send help please x

Change isnt so bad.....

Hello folks, its been a crazily busy two weeks back at work after half term. Its scary how quickly time fly's and how easy it is to forget your own place in your life. I feel I need constant reminders to live for today, leave the past alone and stop worrying about the future, because I cant change the things that have already happened and the future will be what it will be, I can contribute to how my future pans out but essentially I believe the more time I spend worrying about the future, I am missing out on what's happening now. So, as the alarm went off at 6am one morning last week, I lay there very still in my bed, the room was starting to fill with light (I cant sleep with the curtains closed) the birds had started singing and I started to wonder what life is all about?! What am I doing? I get up every morning at 6am, when its light enough I walk Ralph, I get back, get myself ready for work and start nagging the girls to get up, tidy the house, think about what to get out of the freezer for tea, the three of us are out of the house by 7.50am, while I am at work, I am continuously running, working with special needs children means that you need to be alert to every situation, things can change very quickly and many of our children are dependant on us to help them with all aspects of their education and hygiene, a average day consists of a lot of teaching and promoting independence, quite a bit of toileting and feeding and a whole lot of spending time with and enjoying the company of some of the most fantastic and interesting children i have ever met, although I love it, its a very draining day. Then I get in the door at about 4.15 and its then a mad rush of walking Ralph, cooking tea, getting packed lunches ready, Ironing, hovering, washing up after tea, encouraging the girls to do homework and listening to them tell me about their day, then baths and hair washes and crash into bed by 10pm, that's before i have done my internet shop or seen to any bills or dealt with any other problematic letters that might have dropped on my door mat....so, once again...What am I doing? I wonder if everyone gets to a certain point in their lives and thinks...I just cant go on like this, something has to change...for me, I am finding that the world is rushing around me but I am getting slower! I have started to learn that because my sight is so poor, I need to pay more attention to the things I am doing, therefore these things take me longer, if I don't want to iron my fingers when I am doing the ironing, I have to do it slower...everything has become slower, crossing the road, using a knife or cooking, reading and writing has got really bad, I am struggling to write coherently in the children's books at school, or to read simple directions about what the children are doing in their lessons, this has unsettled me so much that I am finding myself pretending or guessing! I have noticed that my hearing has stepped up a notch, this is also draining as I seem unable to block out all this tiny noises that others might not notice, above all the noise in the classroom one day this week, all I could hear was the squeak of someone writing on the white board with one of those smelly pens. So, back to me lying in the bed, something is going to give, I believe in self preservation so, lets think, I had already had my meeting with my boss the week before, my man from Action of Blind had travelled miles to attend the meeting that my boss was 15 minutes late for, to cut a long story short, the school would not be offering me an alternative role within the school, I was able to reduce my hours but realistically I should be planning to move on, oh and the fact that I find work so exhausting is my fault because I am a perfectionist. Nothing to do with the fact of course that we all have a duty of care to the children and working as a team means pulling your weight. so, with my nose put completely out of joint I left the meeting feeling abit, err..insignificant and rejected I suppose. But, lying there I realised that reducing my hours is not the end of my world, no one is going to die! and actually working just Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays might suit me quite nicely, in fact I suddenly started to look forward to it, I admit that fanatically it might be a bit of a struggle, but if I am careful it should all be good. So after the Easter holidays I go down from four days a week to three, giving me more time to get things like housework done, sorting through paperwork that has accumulated and now is spewing out of the draws, AND AND the spring is coming...I can be out in the garden, take Ralph for long walks, and instead of the mad rush in the evenings things should be more relaxed, and maybe, just maybe I can get some quality of life back, Sometimes all we need is to tweak our lives a little, I don't want to give up work completely just yet, not only for the social aspects but also for discipline, making me get out of bed and follow the routine of thousands of others going off to work, my job gives me something else to focus my mind on, and of course,  you get a pay cheque at the end of the month. I know the time will come when I simply cannot do the job I do safely anymore, and when that time comes I will face it and deal with it with grace and dignity like a big girl...unless I win the lottery before then, I expect my attitude will be a whole different thing!!

Half Term

Well as half term comes to a end, I realise that I haven't done anything that I was supposed to do, in fact I have been rather lazy. This time last week my girls and I were waking up in Woodbridge, Suffolk at our friends house, we had a lovely weekend. My friend had been staying at our house for a few days, so on the Friday we went home with her, as we travelled from Bedfordshire to Suffolk the temperature began to drop, talk of picking up her husband and going for a meal soon turned into grabbing a Chinese take-away and heading for the best seat in front of the fire! Saturday I had two teenage daughters who didn't want to get out of bed, so my friend and I braved Woodbridge Tesco, I really don't know what it is about this shop, I cant seem to make a full shopping trip with out having a moment and am beginning to wonder if its like a learnt behaviour thing, you know...this always happens so its going to happen again! Anyway armed with bread rolls and tins of soup, and quite a lot of chocolate we drove back to the house, after lunch we walked over to the local garden centre, something was starting to fall from the sky and it was too light to be rain. I love Woodbridge, its a very beautiful part of our country, you can walk along the river by the tide mill, I especially love to hear all the boats masts clinking together where they are moored up, and there is something very relaxing about looking around the boat yard or just sitting watching the little boats bobbing around, anyway, I was desperate to get my fix of fresh air, but it wasn't to be, Sunday was even colder, so we stayed by the fire, my friend cooked a scrumptious Sunday lunch and then her husband drove us back home.

Daisy had the best seat in the house All weekend!

On a previous visit.

My youngest daughter and my friends husband doing exactly what you should be doing when in Woodbridge...Relaxing!

Sunday was Valentines day, a day that is emotional for me and my family as sadly we buried my Dad on Valentines day, this year it has been 19 years since we lost him at the grand old age of 49!! When we got home Ralph was so happy to see us and the Valentines day fairy in the shape of my partner had delivered heart shaped balloons, flowers, chocolates and a lovely card. As the week progressed and the various appointments had been met, it was Wednesday already, the girls were going on a shopping trip with their Dad, so my partner and I took the train to Peterborough, it was lovely to wonder around the shops with nothing much to buy, we had lunch, brought a Birthday present for my mates little boy and trundled back home...now, let me back track at bit, so, just before I learnt that my sight had definitely got worse, there had been some signs that things weren't so good, one of them being I found I couldn't see bugger all in the kitchen, so after much deliberation I thought how difficult can it be to simply change the light bulbs to a higher wattage? Right? NO! So, I climb up on a chair and fiddle about with these stupid down light things and finally the thing pops out, so does the entire plastic stuff which holds the bulb and all the electrical bits into the celling, the heat from the bulbs over time had corroded the plastic and there I was standing on a chair with all this black plastic crap all over my face and hair, several swearwords later I realise that i just made a bad situation a whole lot worse. What do I do? I get a man in of course...only this man is not your average man, has a look and rubs his chin and what comes out of his mouth made me dizzy.....Well love, you see, I could change them bulbs for ya, you gonna need new fixtures, its gonna cost ya, so why don't ya get in touch wiv someone who knows what sort of lighting you need in the kitchen to best help ya, AND ya neva know, there might be some sort of funding to help ya what wiv being blind and all...of course I don't mind doing it, but why don't ya check out all your options before chucking money at something that might not be right for you....HOLY SHIT!!!! I hate it when men have more common sense than me! So, anyway after my faith in human nature had been restored, I did just that! I contacted Action For Blind who gave me a link to Bedfordshire sensory Impairment team, who came to visit me on Wednesday afternoon. A really lovely lady who seemed very understanding, she asked lots of questions, filled in lots of forms, and agreed that I needed help with the right sort of lighting and, yes, there was funding to help me pay for the changes....see what happens when I listen to a bloke with more common sense than me! This will all take place ASAP, when ever that is!

Thursday and Friday flew by with more appointments, washing, ironing and housework, whilst I was sitting in Bedford college waiting for my eldest to come out of a interview, I was pretending to flick though my phone to avoid making small talk with the cleaner, when something caught my eye, someone had liked a Facebook page and for some reason it popped up on my phone, after a closer look I realised that it was a old work colleague, who had changed jobs and moved away, his page was called John Devitt Art, when I got home I looked him up on the laptop, sent him a friend request, then all these photos of paintings started filtering through, I was properly amazed, they were fab, and they way they are painted makes sense in my eyes, you need to see them to see what I mean, I found myself looking at them for ages and that old warm feeling of  how much I used to enjoy art seemed to just switch on, so yesterday I got out my pencils and found some paper and began to doodle again. They aren't the best sketches in the world, but this has given me a new chapter if you like, when I stop working, this is something that I can do...knew rules need to be applied and this week I have learnt to stop thinking about the things I wont be able to do when I can no longer work but focus on the things I can do, I suddenly feel inspired and confident for the future..

   

                                       My fat mouse and a dragon fly, I don't think its too bad for a blind lady who hasn't drawn in about 15 years!!