Back again! I know its been a while but I've been proper busy trying to push myself out of the little comfy zone that I had found myself in.
Since the last blog I wrote, I've done loads! And, I have to say, I'm a little proud of myself!
So, Mum and I went to the RAH to see Carl Craig..OHHH MAN! You have to check this guy out. There we were, Mum and I, sat quietly in our box, waiting for a gentle classical evening to start. When the lights dimmed, our seats started vibrating and the laser lighting began strobing around the building, I knew this was not the ususal type of classical music event we were used to attending. The whole building was vibrating with the bass and you just had to tap or move to the beat, and then, in middle of all the loud music, were classical instruments, a harp, a piano and a lady playing a violin! Who knew a DJ from Detroit and a orchestra could make such amazing sounds together, It was an incredible night, the lighting was out of this world, in fact, maybe even the best event so far! Added to that, we didn't have any disasters!
I wrote the review the following day with a massive smile on my face while I remembered the night before! Mum even asked if I could see if I could find the event on a CD!
I continued with the research for Tesco/RNIB, which was really interesting, and I got selected to attend a 'top secret' meeting with two other people from my area. I really like listening to other peoples stories, so meeting with other people with different disabilities was, well, captivating, really.
The whole experience encouraged me to find my voice again, and I confidently chatted as part of the group instead of sitting on the edge of my chair praying that time would go quicker so I could go home.
As my confidence has grown so much I thought id give swimming another go, my girls and I have been going to ladies night on a Wednesday evening, the first week I could barely manage 10 lengths, last week I comfortably did 22, and could have done more if it wasn't for the fact that Mum and my youngest have joined the aquagym, which starts at the same time but only runs for an hour.
I even pushed myself into town on a Saturday! Not on my own of course, the girls came with me.
I've booked up to go to visit my friends in Suffolk in a few weeks, and I'm going to a coffee morning in Welwyn next Saturday... then there was the trip to the Zoo! So, last Monday the girls decided we would go to Shepreth, after work I got changed quick and caught the train (on my own) to Shepreth and the girls met me there in the car. The zoo is right beside the train station and it was perfect timing as it was really quiet, no small people getting under my feet! Its a really nice place to visit, but I found I got tired really quickly, it was a hot sunny day, I've lost my 'good' sunglasses, so had I crappy old pair on, all that looking for animals in their enclosures was just too much, I found I couldn't keep up with the girls and needed to sit down often!
Writing all this down has made me realise how mentally 'unwell' I was at the end of last year, I felt like a thick fog was wrapped around me and no amount of swishing my arms about was going to shift that fog, I was being suffocated, I couldn't see which way to turn, and I now realise that I was pushed into making certain decisions, and that some situations were totally unfair. I am angry that I let this difficult time effect me so badly and feel that I should have dealt with my employment situation totally differently, the very first mistake was letting someone write a risk assessment about me while sitting in a little room and not actually seeing me in my role, from there the mistakes escalated until I was so low and felt so useless, that the only thing to do was go quietly.
For a long time I felt that I wouldn't be any use to anyone again, anyone that knows depression will understand that feeling of emptiness, Christmas was coming and I gave no care! Even when I started to gather my broken bits together and try to get back on track, I had walked into a job that I knew nothing about, and I suppose in the back of my mind I was convincing myself that all I was doing was setting myself up to fail again. But I haven't! Six months down the line and the fog is clearing, I see things differently and I become stronger and more confident every day.
I often wonder if people really think about how they treat others, do people realise how they deal with situations can destroy a person. Mental health is such a important topic these days and yet there is still situations like mine happening, life is cruel enough without having to fight to prove yourself .
I have totally gone off task! The other very important event...which actually happens on FRIDAY, is that I'm going on a driving experience day, its rolled around so quickly, I cant tell you what it means to be doing something like this, something I thought I would NEVER be able to do, I just hope I can hold it together and not become too emotional, of course I will let you all know how it goes!
xx
Wednesday, 29 May 2019
Friday, 26 April 2019
Staying Calm
I started writing this blog nearly two weeks ago, I've lost count how many times I've thought about finishing it, then something more demanding rears its head. I had started the week after my last blog with such good vibes and a determination to push myself out of my comfort zone.
I finally renewed my disabled railcard in anticipation of my pending trip to the Royal Albert Hall this Sunday to see Carl Craig with Chineke Orchestra....I truly have no idea who Carl Craig is, but being in the RAH and listening to the sounds of any kind of music is where I find something special deep in my soul that I didn't know existed. And of course there's writing the review afterwards which as you all know, I love!
I also joined a group called the sunflower community that is working towards introducing Lanyards for people with invisible disabilities into supermarkets and have been completing tasks for them help them with their project. Each day over three weeks we are given a task, and then we report back our findings. Its actually good fun and its causing me to think outside my little tiny box which I seem to have found myself comfortably settled in.
Continuing with the pushing myself theme...thanks to a lovely lady....I'm going to do a spot of driving!! Yes, me, blind lady doing driving!! I've a feeling its a four wheel drive (sadly not a tank) with a instructor/guide type person. You drive for 30 mins and I'm so bloody excited I cant tell you! Its on the 31st May. I had seen a post on the RNIB east of England Facebook page ages ago and I thought it sounded like a fab idea, but as time ticked on and there was a date in place I was feeling a whole lot less confident, but I've been encouraged to attend, so I will go, the box is ticked! It is held in Thetford, and I was really panicked about getting there on the train, but its actually a easy run from here, only having to change once, and I will definitely be booking assistance though because it helps so much!
So, all this happened at the start of last week and I was feeling like I was some sort of super hero special confident type lady, only to be put right back in my place on Tuesday.
Tuesday... things started to go rapidly down hill! My partner got rushed into hospital, and while I wont bore you with all the gory details, I found myself sitting in Resus at 10 o'clock at night, he was safely tucked up in a bed with tubes sprouting out of everywhere, and suddenly I realised I was on my own, in a hospital and now I had to find my way out...all on my own!
As soon as the consultant told me that my not-so better half wasn't going anywhere that night except for CT scan, I began to panic.
I had spent all day following nurses and doctors around, and I had been sat beside this shadow of a big man for hours listening to his machine bleeping away, that when I was told to go home and get some rest as there was nothing more I could do that night. I suddenly realised that I had no idea where I was in the hospital or how to get out. I felt I couldn't ask the staff as there was a constant flow of ambulances bringing casualties into the area and they were completely rushed off their feet. HOWEVER, when a young nurse came in to check the machines and do his obs, I bravely....for me...told her my situation and that my daughter was coming to fetch me but I wouldn't be able to make my way to her especially as it was now dark outside and I hadn't bought my cane, I was also fully aware that I had only seen patients with one family member in this area so I knew my daughter wouldn't be able to come to me.
The young nurse, phoned through to A&E and told the receptionist to expect someone to come asking for me, the next moment my daughter was quietly brought to Resus and that was that! Easy peasy.
Except when I got home I started feeling guilty that my last few moments at the hospital were spent worrying about myself instead of the man in the bed. Wednesday and Thursday were a complete blur of running back and forth to the hospital, sorting medicine, going to work and trying to keep the house functioning normally, mind you, I have to say I completely failed on the last one as by Sunday the whole house looked like a herd of Elephants with a need to try on every pair of shoes and item of clothing on they could find and leave them where they fancied had passed through my house.
So I really did have to put on my big girl pants and get on with it, on-one was going to come along and sprinkle fairy dust over me and make everything alright, so the proof that I can move out of my little safety net is just there.
Life seems to have evened out a bit this week, but I'm so tired, I forget that I cant function like I used to when my sight was better so as well as learning to push myself out of the comfort zone, it seems I need to learn to accept when my brain has had enough and rest! You all know that rest doesn't come easy to me, and tonight, I sit on the sofa, the only sound is the rain on the conservatory roof, Ralph is curled up beside me, my eldest has gone out with some friends from work...my youngest has decided to go to a nightclub!!! My girl is 18, she is a homegirl, the best thing in the world is to cuddle up with a bowl of fruit and watch old episodes of casualty with her Mumma. My mummy wisdom fell on deaf ears as I advise that for her very first taste of night life, she chooses a local town with some lively pubs and bars. So the child who, growing up, hated crowded places and loud noise decides she will be going to Milton Keynes (a good 40 minute drive away) to a night club called Pink Punters!! Not only that but she and her mates have booked themselves into a local hotel for the night...cos the club doesn't open until 9.30pm and closes at 6.30am!!
Honest to something more heavenly...I literally have spent the last two days following her around...so, text me when you get there... if someone offers you a drink...you say no thank you...if someone buys you a drink and gives it to you...you do not drink it.....if you are feeling unsafe...you go to the bar and ask if 'Angela' is working tonight....you stay with your friends, you do not get parallactic, you will text me every 20 minutes so I know you are ok!! ohh and you will text me when you are back in the hotel and you will text me when you are ready to leave on Saturday morning! AND by the way....have a really lovely time!
Am I just about the crappiest Mum ever?! I am trying to remind myself that I was a teenager once too, and I got into wayyyy much more trouble than she has, so why and I so afraid!
I'm glad its raining, the drumming sound on the roof is calming and I need to stay calm!! This parenting lark gets harder, I look at my friends with their little sweet cute baby daughters and think...HA...Just you bloody wait!!
Hope you speak soon guys...but don't bank on it!
Saturday, 13 April 2019
Ridged routines
I'm back again folks, I'm not really sure how four weeks have flashed by and I haven't had a chance to write, I think about writing most days, but I get this nagging doubt that people have stopped reading and are no longer interested in my rantings. So, I tell myself I will put the diary 'to bed' and stop writing, then this week I have had so many notifications that people are reading the blog that I feel like I am failing something that I have achieved on my own. I have lost so much of my independence, but writing is something I can still do on my own, so I figure that I should keep writing even if no-one reads it because...well, because I like it and its good therapy. Lately I have realised that I have fallen into a very ridged routine, I wake up and get ready for work, I walk Ralph, I go to work, I finish work and come home, I walk Ralph again and then I cook tea, have a bath and put my PJ's on and wait to go to bed. At the weekend, I do the housework, walk Ralph and stay home!
I am astounded by how the contrast in my confidence is so vast. At work I am incredibly confident, I feel safe and have already built trusting relationships around me, However, ask me to do something different at the weekend for example, and I can feel a melt down coming on. I haven't been for a swim for weeks, and the thought of going terrifies me, my friend and I usually go for a swim once a week, I have found myself looking for an excuse to cancel, and am always totally happy if she cancels. I hadn't noticed I had been doing this until this morning. So, last week RNIB offered me tickets to go to the Royal Albert Hall for a classical performance next Sunday, now, you all know how I love to go to these events, and I really love writing the reviews after, BUT, this morning I laid in bed reading the email over and over again, trying to find ways to not go. I don't mean anything drastic, but silly things like, my disabled railcard has expired so the train fare will be too expensive, the feeling of excitement has completely gone. Then when I thought about it a bit more I realised that I have been putting off lots of things, I said I was going to visit my friends in Suffolk in February...I still haven't been, swimming has stopped and I am only going out to places with people I trust and to very familiar places.
So, if I tell you that last weekend I went to Spain, you would think all I just said was totally contradictory. This was a hen weekend for My Niece who gets married in a couple of months and we stayed in my sister-in-laws beautiful house, both my girls and my cane came with me and I was well looked after. When we arrived there was talk of going to the local supermarket to buy food, thinking back now, I remember the pang of panic in my stomach, I would usually be the first one to be up for a trip to the shops, after all, that's where the chocolate is at! but I didn't go, there were also a couple of times when the girls wanted to stay at the house while everyone else went out, my instinct was to stay at the house and sit safely on a comfy sofa while my two lovely daughters got over their hangovers with their daily dose of 'the internet', but I went because I knew there was someone with me to tell me where the steps are, someone who wont let me wonder into the gents loo by mistake, someone who will read the menu out to me quietly, but most of all someone who will make me feel safe. I had a fantastic weekend, and despite my nerves the only real mishap I had was walking into furniture and the occasional Spanish person!
The biggest stress reliever EVER, was using Assistance at the airports. My sister-in-law booked Assistance for me when she booked the tickets and I can say, hand on heart, it was the most helpful thing I've ever tried. I usually turn Assistance down because, well you know, I have the family with me, but what I didn't take into account is how stressful it is for them to safely guide me around the airport avoiding the mass of holiday makers and their luggage, people also have a habit of lying or sitting on the floor in these places which means they are at risk of getting my cane whipped around their legs, one bloke a few years ago even told me to..look where I was going, as my cane connected with his knees, bet he felt a right twat when he opened his eyes to see what had hit him!
Anyway, USE ASSISTANCE!! Its fab, Stanstead was a breeze, assistance is just to the left as you go through the entrance, they have a separate seating area and they do exactly what you would expect. They assisted my girls and I all the way from walking through the door to boarding the plane, no queueing, no stressing. You go through the exact same routine except its so much easier. Arriving at Murcia Airport, the service was just the same, the staff were so helpful, we were whizzed through to collect our baggage and out into the sunshine before we knew it. On the way back the procedure was the same except we were taken onto the tarmac before the other passengers and this, what I can only describe as a room on wheels pulls up beside the plane, we were helped on and the little room separated from its wheels as a hydraulic lift thingy lifts us up to the doors on the plane and we were led to our seats. Those little tiny steps that lead up to the plane doors have always worried me so this was a real treat, and I can say I was more that happy to see a similar looking vehicle trundling across the tarmac towards our plane as we landed back at Stanstead. Although we left the plane last we were still assisted all the way to the carpark!
So what do I do about my little routine I seem to have got suck in then? Well, I do what I usually do, I pull myself together and push forward. I will renew my railcard and go to the RAH. I suppose it would be sensible to build up to that, but I'm not one for doing things sensibly, however I will try to change the routine. Swimming will have to wait until after the Easter holidays, as there will be children, and children are unpredictable and bloody noisy! So, I'll let them do their thing first and swim when they are back at school. I also need to start thinking about a wedding outfit, so this will force me into the shops.
Tomorrow, I will not spend the day in my PJ's and do the ironing, I will get dressed and do something different, I dunno what but I'll do it...honest!
Speak soon...hopefully! xx
I am astounded by how the contrast in my confidence is so vast. At work I am incredibly confident, I feel safe and have already built trusting relationships around me, However, ask me to do something different at the weekend for example, and I can feel a melt down coming on. I haven't been for a swim for weeks, and the thought of going terrifies me, my friend and I usually go for a swim once a week, I have found myself looking for an excuse to cancel, and am always totally happy if she cancels. I hadn't noticed I had been doing this until this morning. So, last week RNIB offered me tickets to go to the Royal Albert Hall for a classical performance next Sunday, now, you all know how I love to go to these events, and I really love writing the reviews after, BUT, this morning I laid in bed reading the email over and over again, trying to find ways to not go. I don't mean anything drastic, but silly things like, my disabled railcard has expired so the train fare will be too expensive, the feeling of excitement has completely gone. Then when I thought about it a bit more I realised that I have been putting off lots of things, I said I was going to visit my friends in Suffolk in February...I still haven't been, swimming has stopped and I am only going out to places with people I trust and to very familiar places.
So, if I tell you that last weekend I went to Spain, you would think all I just said was totally contradictory. This was a hen weekend for My Niece who gets married in a couple of months and we stayed in my sister-in-laws beautiful house, both my girls and my cane came with me and I was well looked after. When we arrived there was talk of going to the local supermarket to buy food, thinking back now, I remember the pang of panic in my stomach, I would usually be the first one to be up for a trip to the shops, after all, that's where the chocolate is at! but I didn't go, there were also a couple of times when the girls wanted to stay at the house while everyone else went out, my instinct was to stay at the house and sit safely on a comfy sofa while my two lovely daughters got over their hangovers with their daily dose of 'the internet', but I went because I knew there was someone with me to tell me where the steps are, someone who wont let me wonder into the gents loo by mistake, someone who will read the menu out to me quietly, but most of all someone who will make me feel safe. I had a fantastic weekend, and despite my nerves the only real mishap I had was walking into furniture and the occasional Spanish person!
The biggest stress reliever EVER, was using Assistance at the airports. My sister-in-law booked Assistance for me when she booked the tickets and I can say, hand on heart, it was the most helpful thing I've ever tried. I usually turn Assistance down because, well you know, I have the family with me, but what I didn't take into account is how stressful it is for them to safely guide me around the airport avoiding the mass of holiday makers and their luggage, people also have a habit of lying or sitting on the floor in these places which means they are at risk of getting my cane whipped around their legs, one bloke a few years ago even told me to..look where I was going, as my cane connected with his knees, bet he felt a right twat when he opened his eyes to see what had hit him!
Anyway, USE ASSISTANCE!! Its fab, Stanstead was a breeze, assistance is just to the left as you go through the entrance, they have a separate seating area and they do exactly what you would expect. They assisted my girls and I all the way from walking through the door to boarding the plane, no queueing, no stressing. You go through the exact same routine except its so much easier. Arriving at Murcia Airport, the service was just the same, the staff were so helpful, we were whizzed through to collect our baggage and out into the sunshine before we knew it. On the way back the procedure was the same except we were taken onto the tarmac before the other passengers and this, what I can only describe as a room on wheels pulls up beside the plane, we were helped on and the little room separated from its wheels as a hydraulic lift thingy lifts us up to the doors on the plane and we were led to our seats. Those little tiny steps that lead up to the plane doors have always worried me so this was a real treat, and I can say I was more that happy to see a similar looking vehicle trundling across the tarmac towards our plane as we landed back at Stanstead. Although we left the plane last we were still assisted all the way to the carpark!
So what do I do about my little routine I seem to have got suck in then? Well, I do what I usually do, I pull myself together and push forward. I will renew my railcard and go to the RAH. I suppose it would be sensible to build up to that, but I'm not one for doing things sensibly, however I will try to change the routine. Swimming will have to wait until after the Easter holidays, as there will be children, and children are unpredictable and bloody noisy! So, I'll let them do their thing first and swim when they are back at school. I also need to start thinking about a wedding outfit, so this will force me into the shops.
Tomorrow, I will not spend the day in my PJ's and do the ironing, I will get dressed and do something different, I dunno what but I'll do it...honest!
Speak soon...hopefully! xx
Thursday, 7 March 2019
Interesting conversations
Evening all, I'm having a spot of bother with these dam hormones. I mean, why, when a woman reaches a certain age do these little hormone thingies suddenly start doing strange things to our bodies and our emotions. I am literally so uncomfortable in clothes, especially underwear, and one moment I am wondering how long a prison sentence is for murder the next I am balling my eyes out over a fluffy kitten stuck up a tree!
I don't really mind the hot sweats, because I've always had a problem with being cold, my feet and hands are always cold, so actually only having to wear one pair of socks instead of my usual three pairs is quite nice, in fact I have been known to go foot commando, and that is totally unheard of!
I know nothing about 'the change' only that the monthlies will stop and really, if I'm honest that's all I'm focusing on.
Isn't it tough enough that we, as ladies, have to go through periods, teenage hormones, pregnancy (I know some ladies have a terrible time through their pregnancies) etc, anyway ...ENOUGH of my moaning this is not even what I wanted to talk about.
Last week I took delivery of this little beauty...
I don't really mind the hot sweats, because I've always had a problem with being cold, my feet and hands are always cold, so actually only having to wear one pair of socks instead of my usual three pairs is quite nice, in fact I have been known to go foot commando, and that is totally unheard of!
I know nothing about 'the change' only that the monthlies will stop and really, if I'm honest that's all I'm focusing on.
Isn't it tough enough that we, as ladies, have to go through periods, teenage hormones, pregnancy (I know some ladies have a terrible time through their pregnancies) etc, anyway ...ENOUGH of my moaning this is not even what I wanted to talk about.
Last week I took delivery of this little beauty...
This has caused conflicting opinions in my house, I was excited to have it but my girls don't like it, I don't really understand why, maybe because it makes my VI more real to them, and both my girls live in fear that I will be 'picked on' or treated unfairly because of my disability.
I brought it from the Macular society and I paid a whole £2 for it. Its not a massive badge, but it just makes me feel a bit more comfortable.
The thing is, I am painfully aware that I don't look like I have a visual Impairment, and this....well, this takes a lot of explaining...so, having a VI is a incredibly lonely place to be, it doesn't matter how many people, friends and family you have around you, when you are on your own you are totally on your own, no-one else can understand your sight, no-one can see what you see, when I have someone standing beside me who I can ask to help me, I feel safe, if I am under pressure or find myself in a situation where there is no-one to ask for help I have a complete melt down and my brain literally shuts down, what little sight I have disappears and I feel like I am suffocating. Having the badge to give an explanation as to why I am taking longer to do something, without me having to explain myself makes me feel more confident, I know that I we should never feel the need to explain themselves to anyone, but, some people are so uneducated and quick to presume that they just don't get how someone who is registered blind can be holding down a job.
Then there's the strange guilt thing I have when I don't let people know I'm visually impaired , I feel like I am being dishonest and deceiving the people I meet. This is an emotion I've never really understood, I cant make any sense of it so I give up.
Only someone with a visual impairment will understand the calculated judgements we take every day, the trust we have in ourselves and our ability to make these judgements is almost spiritual, I cant explain how I know how to do something safely, I don't know how I know its not safe to cross the road, another 'sense' kicks in and overtakes the other senses and gives you something to trust in. But for a person who hasn't had any connection with someone like me, they find it hard to understand how I am wearing my badge but can still carry two boxes across the shop and not drip up.
To be in an environment that is totally accepting, helps so much and I am eternally grateful to those people I work with for not judging me.
The badge is staying, I like the badge, and after all, its about me not about what anyone else thinks of it.
However, I DO get the down side to it, and I am transparent in everything I do which could give someone the opportunity to maybe use the fact that I have a VI as an excuse to make claims against me.
I overheard a interesting conversation yesterday when I was sitting in costa. So, there were these two people sitting at the table beside me, at first I was only half tuned into their conversation and couldn't really tell you the topic, until a couple of words caught my attention. It seems that these two have a colleague with a 'disability', their voices lowered, which instantly made me lean forward, staring at my phone to make it look like I was watching something...you know, like YouTube or something, anyway, it sounded like the person with the disability had been caught stealing from the place where they worked by one of the people sitting at the table beside me. He had reported what he had seen to his line manager, and left it with management to follow procedures, only nothing happened! The person who had been reported appeared not to be challenged. The other person at the table was already aware of the problem because it wasn't the first time it had happened and someone else had reported the same thing to management just last week and nothing had happened. The two people then went on to say how unfair it was that nothing had been done.....I began to wonder if this was some kind if social experiment....but, they continued talking about how if it was one of them they would have been sacked by now, but the management didn't seem to know how to handle the situation and they seemed afraid to challenge a person with a disability. In their eyes (the people sipping coffee) the answer was very black and white, you are caught stealing, you are dealt with as your company policy stipulates, everyone should be treated the same, and certainly not one rule for one and a different one for others.
They continued to talk about it for a while, they weren't nasty, they weren't bad mouthing anyone, they simply couldn't understand how this was right. And they are bloody dam right! How is this fair? As I sank into deep thought, they finished their drinks and left, disabled people spend a lot of time fighting to be treated the same as everyone else, so a company should not be concerned about challenging a person who has stolen from them, I do appreciate that I have only overheard just a small snippet of 'gossip' but its been troubling me and on my mind so I thought I would share with you guys, so what do you think about it?
I am off know to force some more medicine down a poorly Ralph...Speak soon xx
Saturday, 23 February 2019
Nailing it!
This week I was feeling like I needed to sort a few things out. You know what its like when you've been buzzing along keeping busy and all of a sudden you realise that the little list of jobs you have to do has turned into a massive list and you don't know where to start. So, I've been meaning to try and get my mobile phone sorted out, the bloody thing keeps cutting out mid conversation, it constantly says that the temperature outside is -4 and my location is Suffolk! The battery only lasts half a day and the little noises your phone makes when a text comes through no longer works either. OK, so I admit I've dropped it a couple of times, but everyone does that right?
I chose this particular phone because the screen is nice and big, I can get massive font and its easy to use.
Anyway, off I trundle to the phone shop...why is there always a massive queue in these places? Actually, I know why there is such long queues...because the staff are trained to talk utter rubbish! When I finally got to the attention of a member of staff I was shown to a trendy grey couch, and my phone lady whose English wasn't so good, sat at a tiny desk on a stool. It felt a lot like when you attend your five year olds parents evening, and you sit on tiny chairs designed for five year old bottoms at a low table, and your knees come over the top of the table, but the teacher is sat on HER adult chair looking down at you as she explains your child's progress
To be frank, I had no bloody idea what the phone lady was banging on about....you are not due a up-grade until June, BUT if you pay £150 today we can up-grade your phone for you.....WHAT??? I'm sorry...the £150 is for what exactly? …..this is ok, you do not have to up-grade today, you can do it another day....NO!! Really??…...but for now today I will do a system up-date and you phone will be working as new.....Now I'm really confused, if you can do a system thingy and my phone will be working as new, WHY would I pay £150 for a new phone.
And so, for forty-five minutes the phone lady, scrolls, flicks and swipes, as far as I could tell, she did bugger all.
Then with a sigh she says ...if you had a up-grade your phone would be newer and it would work better....ARE you bloody serious? Do you actually work here or did you just wander in off of the streets and sit you backside down on a stool!
She pushes my phone back across the table towards me and says...is there anything else I can help you with, took me a couple of deep breathes to maintain my composure, then I asked if she could cancel my insurance on the phone as I now have a new insurance policy attached to my bank account which covers all the mobile phones in my house..ohhhh yes of course, she then picks up my phone, turns her back slightly toward me and dials whatever number she needed to cancel my insurance, she had a nice long chat on my phone to the person on the other end of the phone, then all of a sudden she turns to me, passes me my phone and says...they want to talk to you!.....NO S**T I then spend another ten minutes trying to convince the person on the other end of the phone that I was indeed fully aware of the risks of cancelling the insurance, but I wasn't really bothered as at the moment I am paying TWO bloody insurance policies for one phone, so YES CANCEL IT!!
Finally we seemed to be singing from the same hymn sheet and she cancelled the policy.
I end the phone call and go to get up when the phone lady says....wait one moment, now that you have saved money by cancelling your insurance, maybe you would like to add a tablet to your phone for £11.99 a month on top of what you already pay and then we can up-grade your phone......I just looked at her in silence for a couple of seconds, not really trusting myself to speak, I got up and slowly gathered my belongings, smiled kindly at her and with all my strength said...No thank you, but thanks for all your help today, hope you have a lovely weekend.....my brain was screaming loads of other replies but there was a little girl sitting on the couch beside me with her Dad and I didn't think it would be fair.
Outside, the sun was shining and I realised I had forgotten my sunglasses again, so I found a really shady spot, sat on a bench and, I wont lie, I was quite excited to see if this up-date thingy had worked...and that's all, considering my phone was saying it was -4 outside, the sun was really warm and everyone was walking around in t-shirts, the thingy had made no difference to my phone at all, in fact I would say its worse as now it wont stay connected to the internet and keeps switching the camera on while I am trying to text. As soon as my contract is up, I'm off to find a new deal and it wont be with the lady I spent all afternoon with.
Next I tackled Specsavers, I buy my contact lens solution from there, but because I use peroxide solution, they just don't seem to be able to sell it without giving a lecture on how to use it correctly, they also don't like selling it if you are not one of there customer and every time I go to buy it its like being a contestant on mastermind, yes I know how to use it, yes I understand the risks, yes I know how to store it correctly. HOWEVER, as I pushed my way through the door and mentally prepared myself to keep claim through the third degree of contact lens purchasing, the woman behind the till recognised me, and when I asked for the solution, she said, I don't need to ask you if you know how to use this stuff do I?....NO my lovely, you do not, I've been using it for the best part of thirty years.....the woman's colleague raised her eye brows at her and gave her a look which said...you aren't supposed to sell that stuff with out grilling the customer first....and to my astonishment, she turned to her colleague and said, this lady has worn contact lenses nearly all her life and has used this sort of solution for nearly as long, I suspect she could tell us more about it than we can tell her!! BOOOOOMMMM I don't like other people speaking for me but this lady just nailed it. I said thank you in a humbled tone, paid for my solution and left with my head held high, the business with the phone was forgotten, so I nipped across the road to buy chocolate to celebrate, and ate it while waiting for my taxi to arrive to deliver me home!
Two jobs marked off of the list, well six actually as I've done the things the lady from the bank told me to do! The list is slowly getting smaller, but the jobs are bigger, they are the horrible ones, the garden needs sorting, and my kitchen cupboards needs cleaning, but hey, tomorrow is another day!
I'm off to my bed, so speak soon...ohhhh, and before I forget, for anyone who didn't see Pink on the Brits the other night....go find it on YouTube, that woman is amazing xx
I chose this particular phone because the screen is nice and big, I can get massive font and its easy to use.
Anyway, off I trundle to the phone shop...why is there always a massive queue in these places? Actually, I know why there is such long queues...because the staff are trained to talk utter rubbish! When I finally got to the attention of a member of staff I was shown to a trendy grey couch, and my phone lady whose English wasn't so good, sat at a tiny desk on a stool. It felt a lot like when you attend your five year olds parents evening, and you sit on tiny chairs designed for five year old bottoms at a low table, and your knees come over the top of the table, but the teacher is sat on HER adult chair looking down at you as she explains your child's progress
To be frank, I had no bloody idea what the phone lady was banging on about....you are not due a up-grade until June, BUT if you pay £150 today we can up-grade your phone for you.....WHAT??? I'm sorry...the £150 is for what exactly? …..this is ok, you do not have to up-grade today, you can do it another day....NO!! Really??…...but for now today I will do a system up-date and you phone will be working as new.....Now I'm really confused, if you can do a system thingy and my phone will be working as new, WHY would I pay £150 for a new phone.
And so, for forty-five minutes the phone lady, scrolls, flicks and swipes, as far as I could tell, she did bugger all.
Then with a sigh she says ...if you had a up-grade your phone would be newer and it would work better....ARE you bloody serious? Do you actually work here or did you just wander in off of the streets and sit you backside down on a stool!
She pushes my phone back across the table towards me and says...is there anything else I can help you with, took me a couple of deep breathes to maintain my composure, then I asked if she could cancel my insurance on the phone as I now have a new insurance policy attached to my bank account which covers all the mobile phones in my house..ohhhh yes of course, she then picks up my phone, turns her back slightly toward me and dials whatever number she needed to cancel my insurance, she had a nice long chat on my phone to the person on the other end of the phone, then all of a sudden she turns to me, passes me my phone and says...they want to talk to you!.....NO S**T I then spend another ten minutes trying to convince the person on the other end of the phone that I was indeed fully aware of the risks of cancelling the insurance, but I wasn't really bothered as at the moment I am paying TWO bloody insurance policies for one phone, so YES CANCEL IT!!
Finally we seemed to be singing from the same hymn sheet and she cancelled the policy.
I end the phone call and go to get up when the phone lady says....wait one moment, now that you have saved money by cancelling your insurance, maybe you would like to add a tablet to your phone for £11.99 a month on top of what you already pay and then we can up-grade your phone......I just looked at her in silence for a couple of seconds, not really trusting myself to speak, I got up and slowly gathered my belongings, smiled kindly at her and with all my strength said...No thank you, but thanks for all your help today, hope you have a lovely weekend.....my brain was screaming loads of other replies but there was a little girl sitting on the couch beside me with her Dad and I didn't think it would be fair.
Outside, the sun was shining and I realised I had forgotten my sunglasses again, so I found a really shady spot, sat on a bench and, I wont lie, I was quite excited to see if this up-date thingy had worked...and that's all, considering my phone was saying it was -4 outside, the sun was really warm and everyone was walking around in t-shirts, the thingy had made no difference to my phone at all, in fact I would say its worse as now it wont stay connected to the internet and keeps switching the camera on while I am trying to text. As soon as my contract is up, I'm off to find a new deal and it wont be with the lady I spent all afternoon with.
Next I tackled Specsavers, I buy my contact lens solution from there, but because I use peroxide solution, they just don't seem to be able to sell it without giving a lecture on how to use it correctly, they also don't like selling it if you are not one of there customer and every time I go to buy it its like being a contestant on mastermind, yes I know how to use it, yes I understand the risks, yes I know how to store it correctly. HOWEVER, as I pushed my way through the door and mentally prepared myself to keep claim through the third degree of contact lens purchasing, the woman behind the till recognised me, and when I asked for the solution, she said, I don't need to ask you if you know how to use this stuff do I?....NO my lovely, you do not, I've been using it for the best part of thirty years.....the woman's colleague raised her eye brows at her and gave her a look which said...you aren't supposed to sell that stuff with out grilling the customer first....and to my astonishment, she turned to her colleague and said, this lady has worn contact lenses nearly all her life and has used this sort of solution for nearly as long, I suspect she could tell us more about it than we can tell her!! BOOOOOMMMM I don't like other people speaking for me but this lady just nailed it. I said thank you in a humbled tone, paid for my solution and left with my head held high, the business with the phone was forgotten, so I nipped across the road to buy chocolate to celebrate, and ate it while waiting for my taxi to arrive to deliver me home!
Two jobs marked off of the list, well six actually as I've done the things the lady from the bank told me to do! The list is slowly getting smaller, but the jobs are bigger, they are the horrible ones, the garden needs sorting, and my kitchen cupboards needs cleaning, but hey, tomorrow is another day!
I'm off to my bed, so speak soon...ohhhh, and before I forget, for anyone who didn't see Pink on the Brits the other night....go find it on YouTube, that woman is amazing xx
Wednesday, 20 February 2019
Restoring confidence
Evening all! Yesterday afternoon I was sitting with my feet up (HAHA...if only) when my mobile phone starts to ring, my mobile NEVER rings, no one ever rings my mobile so I was a bit flustered and just stood looking at the screen which said..private number. Thinking it would probably be someone telling me that I had recently been involved in a accident or trying to tell me I needed to apply for PPI before I missed the fast approaching last date to claim. So, I snatched up the phone and answered with an abrupt YES, HELLO, only to here the gentle kind voice of my doctor!
I was totally confused for a moment, but she was just checking I was OK as she hadn't seen me in a while!!! She wanted to know how I was getting on with work and how I was feeling about taking early retirement on the grounds of ill health. Who knew that my Doctor knew so much about my situation, and so I had to explain that I had decided that I wouldn't be claiming my pension and had actually walked straight into a new job despite feeling that I would never be any use to anyone ever again and totally drained of any confidence and self esteem. She listened as I chatted about how I was feeling so much better and confident that I had made the right choices. She was so happy with me, I felt a little like a child who had finished her reading book before the rest of the class and the teacher was saying how marvellous I was, in fact, my Doctor was saying how proud of me she was, she has seen first hand how low I was and was worried how I was coping, she called me an inspiration and instructed me to make an appointment if I needed anything, she then made me promise to take it easy and to look after myself.
Sometimes, its so easy to be 'in the moment' and forget what you've been through, which isn't a bad thing but I believe its important to acknowledge the bad times because it makes you respect and enjoy the good times so much more. When you can see what you have come through it gives you the strength to carry on and make so much more of what you have.
How kind was that though? To know someone was thinking of me, and a someone who has hundreds of people to think about, I am so lucky to have such nice people around me and am humbled to think I was at the front of someone's thoughts.
It certainly set me up for today, I felt so full of confidence in myself and I think I've had a good day for it.
The sunshine is helping to lift my spirits too, its getting lighter in the mornings and staying lighter in the evening, its so nice to get out with Ralph at 7am and not have to worry about it being too dark. The only down side of the sun this time of year is it tends to give me nasty head aches, I think I get used to dull days. I don't know if you've ever noticed when you are being driven in a car, when the sun shines through the trees, as the car moves along you kind of get flashing, my sight doesn't cope well with that 'flashing', it makes me tired quickly and (even though I told my Doctor that I haven't had a head ache for months) it gives me a bitch of a head ache, you know one of those ones where you feel like if you throw up it might take the pressure off and release some of the pain in your temples. I normally go to bed and sleep it off, but I now have some little magic pills which the Doctor gave me ages ago when I was struggling, these are magical little yellow pills and after about an hour I was feeling much better and was able to lean forward without thinking I was going to pass out. It seems it might be time to bring out the old sunglasses again and I will have to use my cane again when I'm out on my own I love the sun but its proper blinding!
Well, folks, The Brit awards is on the telly and Pink must be about to come on so I'm going to sign off quick and speak soon xx
I was totally confused for a moment, but she was just checking I was OK as she hadn't seen me in a while!!! She wanted to know how I was getting on with work and how I was feeling about taking early retirement on the grounds of ill health. Who knew that my Doctor knew so much about my situation, and so I had to explain that I had decided that I wouldn't be claiming my pension and had actually walked straight into a new job despite feeling that I would never be any use to anyone ever again and totally drained of any confidence and self esteem. She listened as I chatted about how I was feeling so much better and confident that I had made the right choices. She was so happy with me, I felt a little like a child who had finished her reading book before the rest of the class and the teacher was saying how marvellous I was, in fact, my Doctor was saying how proud of me she was, she has seen first hand how low I was and was worried how I was coping, she called me an inspiration and instructed me to make an appointment if I needed anything, she then made me promise to take it easy and to look after myself.
Sometimes, its so easy to be 'in the moment' and forget what you've been through, which isn't a bad thing but I believe its important to acknowledge the bad times because it makes you respect and enjoy the good times so much more. When you can see what you have come through it gives you the strength to carry on and make so much more of what you have.
How kind was that though? To know someone was thinking of me, and a someone who has hundreds of people to think about, I am so lucky to have such nice people around me and am humbled to think I was at the front of someone's thoughts.
It certainly set me up for today, I felt so full of confidence in myself and I think I've had a good day for it.
The sunshine is helping to lift my spirits too, its getting lighter in the mornings and staying lighter in the evening, its so nice to get out with Ralph at 7am and not have to worry about it being too dark. The only down side of the sun this time of year is it tends to give me nasty head aches, I think I get used to dull days. I don't know if you've ever noticed when you are being driven in a car, when the sun shines through the trees, as the car moves along you kind of get flashing, my sight doesn't cope well with that 'flashing', it makes me tired quickly and (even though I told my Doctor that I haven't had a head ache for months) it gives me a bitch of a head ache, you know one of those ones where you feel like if you throw up it might take the pressure off and release some of the pain in your temples. I normally go to bed and sleep it off, but I now have some little magic pills which the Doctor gave me ages ago when I was struggling, these are magical little yellow pills and after about an hour I was feeling much better and was able to lean forward without thinking I was going to pass out. It seems it might be time to bring out the old sunglasses again and I will have to use my cane again when I'm out on my own I love the sun but its proper blinding!
Well, folks, The Brit awards is on the telly and Pink must be about to come on so I'm going to sign off quick and speak soon xx
Friday, 15 February 2019
No quick fix
I never get tired of looking, thinking and predicting, pre sight loss these were things I took for granted, now I respect what I have every minute of the day, especially as no-one knows when things will change. So, this morning when I went to take Ralph out for his walk it was cold and very frosty. We...Well, I tried to, walk slower because the paths were slippery and as I turn the corner, between the houses, I could see the sun rising over the fields. It was one of those moments where I find myself just standing there, mouth hanging open and Ralph strangling himself on the lead as he desperately tries to get near enough to someone's gate to cock his leg and have a pee. I wonder how many of you scraped the windows of your car, jumped in and sped off without noticing how beautiful the morning was. The fields were white with frost but a low fog had appeared over them. The sun was burning orange above the mist and the sky was, blue, purple and pink. You know that warm, contented happy feeling you get in your tummy when you've just experienced something special. This is the feeling I had while standing in the middle of the pavement, half strangling my desperate for a wee dog, my feet were rooted to the ground as I gazed at the sun and marvelled at how beautiful nature is, but most importantly how lucky I am to have seen it.
Loosing sight has definitely made me much more conscious of taking notice of the things going on around me. I appreciate colour, I even found myself standing looking at the mango's at work today and wondered if I said out loud what lovely colours they were, people would think I was going mad, but they were going that lovely red colour they go when they are perfect. I love the fruit and veg isle, because of the smells and colours, no where else in a shop will you get both those things together the bakery smells of bread, but is mostly brown. But as I walk down a fruit and veg isle, I can smell, onions, tomatoes, bananas, strawberries, herbs and what I love most of all, is this is how I will know to recognise fruit and veg in the future, by its smell (and how it feels I suppose). I've have been one of the lucky ones who has had the opportunity to match each product through sight and smell, so I know a banana is a banana if you know what I mean, if you've never been able so see a banana before, how do you know what a banana looks like! ….now I have a image in my head of me in the future walking round a supermarket sniffing and fondling Bananas!!
This morning a man stopped me and said..ohhh, what's that smell?? I was caught in between saying, sorry mate, you've asked the wrong person, cos I can smell 50 different smells that you haven even noticed right now...or saying...nope cant smell a thing! So I said, is it a horrible or a nice smell? hoping to narrow it down a bit, but he says dunno love... Betcha the man just passed wind and was trying to cover his tracks!!
Anyway, all that wasn't even what I wanted to talk to you about, yesterday was one of those days when I did a lot of thinking. I sat in the bank waiting for my meeting I had there, I sat in a comfy blue chair and listened to the activities going on around me, most of all I noticed how intolerant we are of others and how some people think its ok to 'av a go at the bloke behind the desk cos he wanted to see my id before I took £3,500 outta my account, I told im, its my effin account you give me my money....as this bloke finished declaring his utter disgust with the way his request had been handled with the rest of the customers and staff, he left. Two seconds later the guy who had been dealing with the request, scurries past and I overhear him say to a colleague, 'god, I need a quick break, that was awful, I totally understand that guys situation but he just wouldn't listen and I couldn't get him to understand that the rules have changed'..I sat there thinking I wanted to run after the bloke and his pocket full of money and drag him back to the bank to apologise for acting like a spoilt child, but then I checked my phone for the time and became instantly irritated when I realised my appointment was already 10 minutes late, THEN I felt ashamed of myself as I realised I was more like idiot with the pocket full of money than calm man behind the desk. When did we forget that we are all human? When did we decided that shouting and making a scene is acceptable? So when my money adviser lady came out to find me and was so sorry for being late, I told her it didn't matter and actually the meeting was more like catching up with an old friend rather than discussing the fact that my bank account seems to have acquired a hole and all my money keeps falling out of it!!
Surely its got to be a whole lot less effort to be nice than cranky hasn't it?
I'm sure most people reach a point in their lives when they realise that they aren't immortal, and for some that probably comes too late, but we are all in this together, it doesn't matter who we are the end result will be the same, so lets try and make the ride a bit more pleasant.
We all need to be kinder to ourselves too, our mental health is so incredibly delicate, its scary to know that you can be unaware that you have become unhappy and it is far to easy to sink into something that quickly becomes a comfort. There isn't a quick fix, and for me the only thing that was going to 'heal' me was time, understanding, love from my friends and family, and acceptance. This acceptance, for me has been the toughest thing, accepting this is what has happened to me and accepting that things will never be the same as they were, HOWEVER, I have also learnt to accept my disability and even enjoy the changes and challenges it brings. You guys all know it hasn't been a easy ride, you've all read those worst days, and I don't doubt there will be bad days ahead, but at least I'll be ready for them this time.
Its a different way of life not a end to life, and I think its important to remember that we cannot control the future and we cant change the past, so we need to live in the moment, and make sure we take time to look around us and learn to treasure every moment.
Now I am tired from spouting all my delightful wisdom, so I am off to bed with my hairy little friend pretzeled at the foot of my bed, take care and speak soon xx
Loosing sight has definitely made me much more conscious of taking notice of the things going on around me. I appreciate colour, I even found myself standing looking at the mango's at work today and wondered if I said out loud what lovely colours they were, people would think I was going mad, but they were going that lovely red colour they go when they are perfect. I love the fruit and veg isle, because of the smells and colours, no where else in a shop will you get both those things together the bakery smells of bread, but is mostly brown. But as I walk down a fruit and veg isle, I can smell, onions, tomatoes, bananas, strawberries, herbs and what I love most of all, is this is how I will know to recognise fruit and veg in the future, by its smell (and how it feels I suppose). I've have been one of the lucky ones who has had the opportunity to match each product through sight and smell, so I know a banana is a banana if you know what I mean, if you've never been able so see a banana before, how do you know what a banana looks like! ….now I have a image in my head of me in the future walking round a supermarket sniffing and fondling Bananas!!
This morning a man stopped me and said..ohhh, what's that smell?? I was caught in between saying, sorry mate, you've asked the wrong person, cos I can smell 50 different smells that you haven even noticed right now...or saying...nope cant smell a thing! So I said, is it a horrible or a nice smell? hoping to narrow it down a bit, but he says dunno love... Betcha the man just passed wind and was trying to cover his tracks!!
Anyway, all that wasn't even what I wanted to talk to you about, yesterday was one of those days when I did a lot of thinking. I sat in the bank waiting for my meeting I had there, I sat in a comfy blue chair and listened to the activities going on around me, most of all I noticed how intolerant we are of others and how some people think its ok to 'av a go at the bloke behind the desk cos he wanted to see my id before I took £3,500 outta my account, I told im, its my effin account you give me my money....as this bloke finished declaring his utter disgust with the way his request had been handled with the rest of the customers and staff, he left. Two seconds later the guy who had been dealing with the request, scurries past and I overhear him say to a colleague, 'god, I need a quick break, that was awful, I totally understand that guys situation but he just wouldn't listen and I couldn't get him to understand that the rules have changed'..I sat there thinking I wanted to run after the bloke and his pocket full of money and drag him back to the bank to apologise for acting like a spoilt child, but then I checked my phone for the time and became instantly irritated when I realised my appointment was already 10 minutes late, THEN I felt ashamed of myself as I realised I was more like idiot with the pocket full of money than calm man behind the desk. When did we forget that we are all human? When did we decided that shouting and making a scene is acceptable? So when my money adviser lady came out to find me and was so sorry for being late, I told her it didn't matter and actually the meeting was more like catching up with an old friend rather than discussing the fact that my bank account seems to have acquired a hole and all my money keeps falling out of it!!
Surely its got to be a whole lot less effort to be nice than cranky hasn't it?
I'm sure most people reach a point in their lives when they realise that they aren't immortal, and for some that probably comes too late, but we are all in this together, it doesn't matter who we are the end result will be the same, so lets try and make the ride a bit more pleasant.
We all need to be kinder to ourselves too, our mental health is so incredibly delicate, its scary to know that you can be unaware that you have become unhappy and it is far to easy to sink into something that quickly becomes a comfort. There isn't a quick fix, and for me the only thing that was going to 'heal' me was time, understanding, love from my friends and family, and acceptance. This acceptance, for me has been the toughest thing, accepting this is what has happened to me and accepting that things will never be the same as they were, HOWEVER, I have also learnt to accept my disability and even enjoy the changes and challenges it brings. You guys all know it hasn't been a easy ride, you've all read those worst days, and I don't doubt there will be bad days ahead, but at least I'll be ready for them this time.
Its a different way of life not a end to life, and I think its important to remember that we cannot control the future and we cant change the past, so we need to live in the moment, and make sure we take time to look around us and learn to treasure every moment.
Now I am tired from spouting all my delightful wisdom, so I am off to bed with my hairy little friend pretzeled at the foot of my bed, take care and speak soon xx
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