My friends have apparently noticed that I have been doing this for sometime. I'm not talking about anything rude of course, although I have looked at the occasional bearded bloke and wondered how it would feel, but that normal surely?
I think it started when I was feeling like I was going to have a panic attack, as the place they happen most often is in the supermarket, as soon as I started getting a bit anxious I would feel my way along the shelves. That sounds like I am walking along gripping onto the selves for stability but I mean just running my fingers along walls or along shelves so that I know that my fingers, for example are feeling tins, then I know without looking that I am in the baked beans, tinned tomato area, and then packet rice usually comes next. Of course, this has to be in a familiar supermarket, which is why it doesn't help when supermarket chains decide to move things around. Also if I am feeling my way along, my sense of smell becomes better, I don't know why, but there's flowers, which are usually by fresh meat, fresh meat has its own smell which leads to cheese, no need to tell you that cheese smells. The household isles have smells, as does the baby isle, bread and fish counters. so that usually means if you are down an isle without a smell you got to be down the tinned food isle, dried pasta or rice, biscuits or drinks. But then noises help to identify which isle you are in, crisp packets make noise as do clinking bottles.
Anyway, I'm taking you around my local Asda, back to what I was talking about, so, yes I sort of know I have been running my fingers along walls when I am out, feeling the textures on leaves and I found myself feeling the lettering on a plaque on the wall of a bridge the other day. If I see anything, tactile or not, I just gotta feel it.
So, now this seems to have turned from a way of dealing with the stressful anxiety of a panic attack to a sensory tactile need to feel different things and textures. Maybe this is because I am seeing less well, so I feel instead of seeing!
When we were in the Natural History museum two weeks ago, I was walking around the minerals, now, I've always loved this area of the museum, I just love a stone! Anyway, this nearly killed me this time because the urge to lift the lids on the cabinets and feel each stone was almost too much to bear, luckily there were some stones and minerals that we were allowed to feel so I was happy for a while. The trouble is as I walked around I became more and more aware of the need to touch every exhibit. I found myself stealing a quick touch of a tapestry, and standing for ages feeling the animal shapes that are crafted into the walls of the Natural History.
I really do understand why there are big DO NOT TOUCH signs everywhere, but I just cant help it, I need to feel it to understand it. I need to touch because walking around a museum doesn't mean anything. I spend so much time concentrating on where I am going and not taking little kids out with my cane that I miss so much that it becomes meaningless. That is until there is something I can touch, and when I am touching, people seem to respect me a bit more. No, respect isn't quite the right word, but empathy I suppose. People seem to give me more space to feel than they do if I am walking around exhibits.
I wish museums were a bit more clued up for people with special or additional needs, I think they stick a ramp in and a disabled toilet then suddenly they are disability friendly, I would love a smaller, quieter area where I could explore more of the exhibits that are ok to feel instead of sneaking around trying to cop a feel of a statue when there's some little kid going Mummmm that sign says DO NOT TOUCH but that lady's touching it ...bog off little kid and go grass your brother up for picking his nose.
Anyway, the need to feel does worry me slightly, Is this part of the process? does every person that has a visual impairment 'feel' their environment.
I notice textures more too, today we were at a private swimming pool and the minute I walked onto the tiles around the pool I could feel that they were made from (or had a coating of) some sort of gritty non-slip stuff, the rest of the family didn't notice. At dinner we sat at a wooden table that had a painted pattern on it I kept feeling the groves of the wood with my finger tips, everyone else thought it was a table cloth! I suppose I see things so much differently than they do, I notice more because I have to look for it, if you know what I mean!
Now, I cant remember what else I was going to say and I have just had a quick look at my note book and realised I have written my notes too small for me to read.....mind you, that's another subject for conversation...the importance of making sure I do things, and do them regularly. Since the school holidays have started, a week and a half ago, I haven't been writing as regularly as I do when I am at school, today I noticed that I am loosing that skill again, its alarming how quickly a skill as easy as holding and moving a pen on paper to make words can be lost, this is the same for the confidence to do things on my own, I am happy to avoid doing things alone and really have to push myself to walk Ralph on my own just lately. Especially after this morning when I tripped over him as he is the same colour as the dead grass and I just didn't see him. He yelped as I went flying over onto my knees, I apologised to him but he spent the rest of the walk home looking at me like I was a complete nuisance and then stomped off in front like a moody teenager as soon as I put him back on his lead. First thing tomorrow I am going to practice writing again and make sure I keep it up. Right, off to bed, Speak soon x
See what I mean? Now you see him.....now you don't!
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