Over the last two months I have written three blogs, none of which are suitable to be shared or published. Mostly because they are honest, brutally honest.
So much has changed that I cant keep up with it all myself! the highs and lows are so extreme that the grey area in the middle is frustrating and all I can do is ride the storm.
If our lives were represented as big jigsaw puzzles I would say the someone has taken my puzzle and shock it so hard that all the pieces have gone flying high up into the sky, I cant reach them to pull them back down to repair my puzzle, I just have to wait until one piece falls, guess where it goes and hope the next piece fits one of the pieces that have already fallen down.
In fairness, like a volcano, my puzzle has been ready to erupt for sometime, since last September really and then a year down the line and BANG, a load of completely unrelated things happen and your organised, nicely predicable life is flying around in the sky and you are left wondering what the hell you do next.
You go to the Citizens advice, that's what you do, these people are worth their weight in gold, you take all your information in a folder, you turn up for your 20 minute appointment on the wrong day, but they don't mind, they see you anyway, two and a half hours later, you immerge with a plan and a list of 'to do' jobs as long as your arm!
I have dutifully battled through my to do list in time for my next appointment, only to be given another one, also as long as my arm!
As I say things have changed and I am trying my hardest to remain calm but when you are sitting in the job centre with life's great unwashed, you wonder exactly what the terrible thing was that you did in a pervious life to deserve such crap. And I cant help wondering if I think I am more capable than I actually am, life has a way of making you feel incredibly small sometimes.
The voice inside me is saying...things will get better, this time next week, this time next month, this time next year, whatever it will be, it wont be the same as it is now...ohhh for a peep into the future, or a lottery win, either will do.
On top of all this worry and decision making, I have started to see things. Now, I know this is fairly common with people who have sight loss, and at first, when I asked my daughter if the man walking in front of us had a dog and she looked a me like I had gone completely mad and said...Mum, there is no man, it was funny. But now its getting a bit annoying really and is starting to put me off going out on my own, yesterday I had to go into town on the train on my own, and I was moving out of the way for people that weren't there! This isn't a catch a shadow of a figure that might have been a person jobby, ohhh no, this is full on looking completely normal and alive people, they have hair and clothes on and everything, then I get closer to them, blink and they disappear!
Or, I just dont see things, Daughter number two had asked for some of those marzipan Christmassy biscuit things you get from Lidl, so I find the Christmas isle, stand there looking for about five minutes, nope there definitely isn't any, so I walk away, get to the top of the isle and think, I will just check one more time and walk back down the isle, and boom, there the little devils are, a whole bloody shelf of them in fact! Then it got worse, I left Lidl, did the job centre thing and then made my way up to M&S to meet daughter number one from work, when I got there I realised that I had completely misjudged the time and had an hour and a half to wait, so I went into M&S café, stood ages trying to figure out what the sandwiches had in them, picked up ham and cream cheese, dropped my piece of lemon drizzle cake as I missed the plate, luckily it landed n the table cloth so I quickly scooped it up and slapped it back on the plate and went to the till.
Not until I was safely sat at my table for two tucked up in the corner did I feel safe. I fumbled around with the sandwich packet and released my lunch onto a plate, took a big bite of the sandwich and got the shock of my life ...salmon....bloody salmon and cream cheese!! I hate fish, but I was hungry and a old lady (who was real) was watching me, so I ate them, good job Marks seem to put more cream cheese in their sandwiches than Salmon. Having not written a blog for so long is making my eyes sore and giving me a head ache so I will be off for now, but I'll be back xx
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