How on earth is it possible that the last blog I wrote was on the 19th Jan, and today is suddenly 9th Feb?? It doesn't seem to matter how often I tell myself I am going to write weekly, I just cant seem to fit it in! This makes me sound like I have such a busy schedule and I really haven't, my new routine is proving much easier to cope with than I thought. I know its only for four hours a day, but it has been many months since I have had such a commitment, and many you know how hard it was for me to even get out of bed and get dressed this time last year! I am now looking forward to getting up each morning, walking Ralph and making sure I do a couple of household jobs before I leave. It helps a lot that I wear a uniform, its not the most attractive uniform in the world, but its comfortable and I'm kind of proud of it! Being in the kind of environment where my employer and team see 'me' before my sight loss is the best feeling ever, and I don't have that shameful feeling when I have to ask for help. This whole process has taught me that some people think that loosing your sight means that you lose both your intelligence and your emotions, I feel people really believe that you wont be emotionally crushed by the things they say about and to you, I feel like they believe that you loose your ability to function as a trust worthy, regular human and suddenly you stop being the person that is relied upon to support and hold the day together and you become the person who is watched, judged and risk assessed.
What I am experiencing now is a whole different thing, I'm certainly not saying that its all smooth sailing, after all I am learning a role which I know absolutely nothing about, and for a sight impaired person this isn't a easy thing to do, we crave familiarity, and constantly use our learnt routines to prompt us through the day, removing this completely disrupts our bodies, I say this because the first two weeks I was totally exhausted, and spent every afternoon 'resting' I also developed this throbbing in my bad eye, which wasn't really painful, just bloody annoying, I was avoiding mentioning this to the family as they were already keeping a watch on 'how I was managing' and as the two weeks turned into three, the throbbing stopped and I started doing things when I got home from work, mostly walking Ralph, by week four I was coming home and doing housework as well as walking Ralph, and still have enough concentration to watch a episode of Vera before falling asleep at bedtime instead of mid-afternoon. Going out at weekends has become a bit of a struggle, and I am finding I don't want to go into town or go to the shops, and I certainly notice the anxiety and stress levels rise at the thought of having to go out. This is something I intend to work on, however, with the weather being so errr, wintery, even Ralph would rather be cuddled up on the sofa than stomping over soggy muddy fields. I will be kind to myself and wait for the weather to cheer up...which reminds me.....I have daffodils growing in the garden, and they bring a little flash of warmth to my little heart to know spring is on the way!
Anyway, as you might expect due to misunderstandings and communication issues the transition from one employer to the next wasn't the best experience ever, but its done and there's no where else to go but forward, everyone that knew me before, say I look different, more relaxed and less worried and that is simply because I am in such a better emotional place.
I am waiting for a badge to wear to let people know I have a visual impairment, although after this week I have found that I am more relaxed, I am finding that by talking aloud helps me calm down and stops me rushing through the process in order to move customers on, I have discovered that customers would rather you were a little slower and got it right that try to rush and get it wrong.
I am, along with many other people, living proof of when life knocks you off your feet, it is possible to get back up, not only is it possible to get yourself up, its possible to make your way of life better, believing in yourself isn't something that arrives by the post in a handy envelope marked 'self confidence' believing in yourself is a long hard slog, and there will always be days when you mess up or those days when you spend all day in your pj's and you need those days to make you stronger. I am stronger and more bad-ass than I've ever been, you cant stop what life throws at you but you help the way you cope and deal with things. Time to start making new plans, and I start by saying I certainly will NOT promise to write a blog every week....always conscious of setting achievable goals right!? 😁 Speak soon...ish xx
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