Acting

Well, no sooner had I mentioned 'the Act' in the previous blog and, blow me, I receive the latest bulletin of RNIB connect and there is a article in there from a blind gentleman, entitled...I feel like I should act more blind than I am....He talks about how people are stereotypical, especially when he is using his white cane. He feels that many people expect a blind person to act a certain way and when using his cane if he doesn't use it correctly he will be judged and challenged on how blind he really is.
Of course, my first reaction to this is...people should mind their own bloody business, but I get it, and I am almost really pleased that this man feels this way, for it means that I am not alone.
The difference between us is that he feels he needs to act more blind, whereas I act less blind! Sounds bonkers, but my act has blossomed into something so beautiful and clever that I can fool most people, sometimes I even impress myself. 
Of course, there are occasions where it is impossible or just down right stupid not to let people around me know that I cant see! Like at the swimming pool, I always use my cane at the pool side, from the moment I step out of the changing room in my fancy, slightly too tight cozzie, my cane is in full working order, its so important to let other people know, it lets other swimmers know that I am a hazard, the life guards see me and acknowledge me and the flooring at Hitchin pool is kind of like a parquet flooring sort of effect, and it makes me dizzy, the acoustics in there are also really disorientating, so I am fully aware that this is not a safe place to be acting like I don't have a problem. 
Because everything I do is planned, its very easy to act, acting in a very strange way, makes me feel like I am in control, however I do always feel like I am walking a very fine line between success and disaster.  Lets take yesterday for example, So I needed a new light fitting for the hall and living room, my friend messaged me on Friday afternoon to say he would pop round Saturday morning to do the job. No problem, except I had picked up the living room light fittings in the week, but the hall one I couldn't decide what I wanted to put up there. When his message came through I was out walking dogs with my eldest daughter. This put my brain in a complete tizzy, but I worked out a plan that would mean rushing home, changing into clothes that weren't covered in mud and dog hair, jumping on the next bus and running to Argos before it shut to pick up the light fitting, and getting the next bus home. My heart was thumping in my chest as I changed clothes, grabbed my handbag and bus pass and was just about to go charging out of the door to run to the bus stop......Maybe I should check the item is in stock...so back in I go and check. Dam thing was out of stock. So I order it in for the next morning, take off my coat and shoes and relax. The following morning, I get up early with a fresh plan in my head, this was instantly scrapped as my daughter said she would drive me to get the fitting. We arrive at Argos and I have my reservation number ready for the young lady on the till, so I sent the daughter off to the bank to get cash to pay my friend for fitting the lights. Everything was going swimmingly, until the young lady informed me that my light fitting was on clearance because they no longer stock the bulbs for it. I felt so sorry for the young girl, my face must have looked like I had just witnessed a murder, and in that split second, my act was trashed. I couldn't go look through the magazine to order a different one, and asking for help from a teenager seemed too humiliating so my instinct was to run away. A few seconds later, the daughter was back and I was walking out of the shop after thanking the young girl for her help but cancelling the order as I didn't really see the point in buying a light fitting that you couldn't get bulbs for. So we went to another shop, and the daughter helped me choose a less lovely light fitting and light bulbs. As my daughter was with me, everything was fine and my act was restored, but if I had been on my own there would have been no way I could have purchased the fitting and the correct light bulbs. 
I have come to realise that there is much more to this acting thing than even I give credit too, and I do feel that if I am seen doing something without my cane then I should be behaving a certain way. Like walking Ralph, I can walk miles over my learnt route and not see a soul, but then, I will see someone who knows me, but doesn't know enough to understand that I am walking a route that has been taught to me and I feel like I have to explain myself because I should really be sitting in a chair safely at home, never going out, never experiencing slipping arse over tit in the mud or standing calling your dog for ten minutes only to realise the little bugger has been standing beside you all the time, nor do they see that after the dog walk I am exhausted and barely have the energy to do anything else for the rest of the day. Of course, when I am with someone it takes the pressure off, I tend to let others take the lead and am happy to be guided. But, its not always practical to have someone there to do things with me, and then there is the whole matter of independence, why shouldn't I be doing things on my own? Its not that I don't need my cane, its that I have learnt to manage with out it. Mind you, maybe I do feel that it is time to start carrying it around with me, its just a shame that it doesn't fold up smaller.
Anyway, like I said, its so easy to pretend that I have seen something when someone passes me their phone and shows me a picture of their cat, its not that I don't care about their cat, it just easier to say ohhhh yes how lovely. All this makes me worry even more about going back to work, having eyes watching me, expecting me to be acting a certain way, or expecting me not to be able to do certain things. I have been in this role for fifteen years, I understand Autism like a mechanic understands a car, I don't need sight to continue working along side my colleagues, I need trust and honesty. Although I have worked in the same building for all that time, its going to take me a few weeks to get back to grips with it, I will never be able to work at my usual speed again and that is something else that might be difficult for others to understand. Again I find myself wishing I looked different, if people could see it, they might understand it better.
I am starting to depress myself now, so I will stop banging on.
Oh, I know what I meant to tell you, The RNIB contacted me again to tell me that I wrote a fab review for The Royal Albert Hall and asked if they could use it, which of course I agreed too. The more I think about it, the more I love the thought of writing reviews, a fairy tail world where I could go off visiting loads of different places with Mum and then I could report back on all our adventures....A lottery win is needed I think! That said, I have put my name down to be put in the ballot box for the next trip to the Royal Albert in a couple of weeks, I don't rate my chances this time but you never know.
I leave you with a couple of photos of my walk with Ralph today and my very first glimpse of spring. x

Questions

The arrival of my new washing machine and dishwasher has meant I have spent, at least, the last two weeks, firstly, working out how to use them and secondly, catching up with the back-log of washing. I have become obsessed with checking the weather to see if I can get washing on the line instead of hanging it all around the house in the hope that it dries quickly. I am also becoming increasingly jealous of my family living in Australia, whose washing would be dry after half an hour outside, although I suppose it would be easy to leave it too long and end up with baked clothes that are impossible to iron....anyway, enough of the domestic twaddle.
The other day someone asked me how I was and how I was getting on. This sort of questioning always throws me because I avoid being put on the spot and being the focus of conversation. Its easy to talk about it from a blog or to someone you don't know, but its hard when someone you know asks an outright question and you want to give a quick and honest answer, but things are much more complicated than a two word answer.
So, one of the questions was, How is your sight different now to back in September? and, How has the floater affected you and what you see?....see what I mean? How can you begin to reply to that when you are standing at the bus stop and you hear the bloody thing rumbling around the corner. So, instead of being honest, I say...ohhh its not too bad, I am learning to live with it. Ignoring the first question and vaguely answering the second while I avoid any eye contact and fumble around in my bag for my bus pass when I know full well its already in my coat pocket. I then make myself look even more of a prat as I leap up on to the steps of the bus and nearly knock myself out on the wing mirror, when the bus driver said, Are you ok love? I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell him to 'F**K OFF, or cry, noooo, I need a hug!!
When I got myself seated I began to think about the person and what felt like invasive questioning. I felt like I was being judged and that maybe this person didn't believe that my sight is so bad because I was catching a bus into town on my own, within five minutes I had managed to convince myself that no one believed me, and that people were mocking me because I didn't and don't 'act' blind. By 'act' I mean, I and people like me, learn very quickly how to act normally. Regular Joe with fully functioning eyes takes for granted his or her own sight, so we as folks with impaired sight find it easier to fit in with regular Joe than force our worlds on others. I argue with myself everyday about using my cane, if I use it I stand out, If I don't, no-one knows, people don't jump out of my way like I had burnt them, people don't stand and stare but there is also massive down side, like when you cant see the price of something, or read a label, if I had my cane and asked someone what was written on a label they would know instantly why I cant read it. So, the 'act' comes into play..you stand there with your bottle of shampoo, you have no idea what the price is or if there is a deal on, so you listen in on other peoples conversation, usually people will stand there saying...ohhh that's a good deal, buy one get one half price, so instantly I know to pick up the same bottles as they did, also getting shampoo AND conditioner can be tricky as often the bottles are the same colour, so you say to the people, ohhhh YESSS that does sound like a good deal, would you mind passing me a shampoo and conditioner...BOOM!! The people don't know that you cant see, they just think you are lazy!
Another trick, especially in Superdrug, is to listen to the radio, they have their own channel and they tell you all about deals and offers.
I know I slip into the 'act' very easily, maybe too easily, I have noticed that lately, when we are out in the car, my daughter says...ohhh Mum, look at that beautiful puppy, I say OHHHHH YESSS how lovely, instead of saying, where? I don't see a bloody puppy! and what's worse is, I still don't see a puppy, she banging on about how cute the puppy is and I have no idea what puppy she is on about!!
Well, anyway, getting back to the bus ride and the questions. After beating myself up for at least five minutes I gave myself a virtual slap around the face, shut my eyes and took a few deep breaths, how do I know what the person at the bus stop was thinking? Why did I assume that the situation was negative? Maybe, just maybe they were asking questions because they were interested. So, I thought about the questions.....
How is my sight different, how does the floater effect sight and what can I see? Since September last year there have been many changes, the floater that first appeared was very black, very big and I couldn't see past it, it made life very difficult. Now, in February, a good five months down the line, I am unsure if it is the floater that has changed or me. I know it hasn't gone away or moved like the hospital hoped. I know it is as big and as black as it was, however I seem to be able to cope better. My brain seems to have adjusted to either see past it, or, which is more likely, my brain has stopped trying to see what it saw before September and has settled down to a new 'sight level'. This would explain why certain things that I could do before I now cant do. Like reading and writing. Reading is a waste of time, if its not large print I simply cant read it, even with magnifiers its hard going. Writing on the other hand has been a challenge that I am winning! At first I just couldn't write, well, what I wrote was incomprehensible, when I was at school I was proud of my neat writing, so I was gutted that I didn't seem to be able to form letters properly, let alone produce a neatly written sentence that someone could read and understand. But as I am writing my list of jobs to do everyday, I made sure I took my time and practised forming letters slowly so now although I cant read what I have written, I know its neat. I have also noticed that I get tired much quicker than I used to and doing different activities can be exhausting and will take me a couple of days to get over it! We went to Milton Keynes on Sunday to do some shopping, MK is a big shopping centre and I haven't been there for years, so after three hours walking around, I was starting to get dizzy with the constant moving and flow of people and the concentrating on keeping up with the family. I am also less patient than I was and get frustrated easily, my contact lenses make my eyes tired quicker than they used to, but if I take them out I cant see a thing with my glasses on, this makes me feel like I am trapped in a little world of my own, as once my lenses are out, any thoughts of doing anything other than sitting still with the ipad rubbing on the end of my nose are impossible. 
See, how was I supposed to explain all that in a matter of seconds, and not sound like I am moaning and feeling sorry for myself.
Guess what...the sun is shining, so I have to rush and put more washing on the line. But I leave you with a photo of Ralph, sneaky little git!! 

occupational Health

Another week has whizzed by, and there have been a few of those moments where time seems to stand still for you, but what's happening around you carries on, those moments are often the ones which firstly make you grateful for who you are but also make you remember what you are. 
Sitting in the MacMillan care unit on Monday at Lister Hospital I found myself looking around at all the people sat on the sofas and arm chairs, all sitting hand-in-hand with a loved one, some not speaking, others making empty plans for the future. I watched as one by one people were called in for either appointments with their Doctor or to receive treatment, sitting by the nurses desk I couldn't help but watch as the nurses called each patient to be weighed before their appointment, the nurses showing fond familiarity with most of the people they called and if not familiar they showed kind, gentle friendliness towards the newly terrified patients.
I heard snatched of good news and bad news as people passed where I sat, with strangers giving mumbles of sympathy or hope as these people passed by. There were people at all different stages, and although we were all sitting as part of a massive hospital, the waiting area felt like the only place left in the world, no-one minded that Chemotherapy was running an hour behind, it just meant more cups of tea and biscuits and a longer time holding the hand of that loved one. The heavy feeling I feel in my heart hasn't left me some five days later, and I keep wondering how the very sick man sitting in his wheelchair dressed only in his pj's and dressing gown is, or how his daughter is coping watching her Father become weaker, knowing that the colour his skin had turned to and the pain that rippled through his body each time he moved can only mean one thing, Or the lady and her husband, the husband looking wretched, terrified, and watching his wife's every move as if scared she might disappear while the wife was full of questions, positivity and defiance, and then there was the family, a family of three, man, woman and a tiny baby, the woman pushed the buggy with the baby and the man walked in front of them. I expected the woman to get up on the scales to be weighed as she looked so lost and scared, but no, it was the man, this perfectly healthy looking man, as they walked through the doors that connected the waiting room and the doctors consultant rooms I could hear the nurse explaining that his blood samples had come back and then she started explaining there showed a problem with the cells. Her voice drifted off as did the disappointing and devastated noises coming from the man and the woman as they were led through the doors to see the Doctor. I am still wondering about the lady who was so pleased as she had put some weight on and that she had been given happier news that day. There is nothing that can prepare you for something like this, no-one can tell you how you will feel or what will happen. This is a place that puts things into perspective, never take anything for granted, Cancer doesn't care who you are, what colour you skin is, how rich you are. Even though I have a very good friend who has been through this, I feel ashamed that it didn't feel real to me at the time, I only saw it from the outside looking in, instead of sitting on that sofa, Monday made me realise how real this is and how very different life would be now without her. 
I have spent the rest of the week feeling emotional and sensitive, I have cleaned parts of my house I didn't know you were supposed to clean, I have washed walls down, scrubbed floors and polished windows, all the while thinking of those folks I saw on Monday, and hoping that they know that people are thinking of them.
All this activity meant that Thursday came around too soon and I wasn't prepared for it, the Occupational Health appointment was upon me and it wasn't going away, so armed with the person who is very much my strongest defence, we barrelled off to the appointment not knowing what to expect. My previous experience with Occy Health was many years ago, and I saw a Doctor who wasn't very pleasant, and sent me back to work, which was fine but there was nothing really decided about what I needed only that I have a sight problem and I seem to be managing, so....carry on then dear. 
The lady we met on Thursday was not like the Doctor I met before, she explained who she was, what her qualifications were and what Occupational Health was there to do. I have always tried to look at things from the employers point of view and tried to remain as efficient and hard working as I can for fear of others  feeling that I was incapable of doing the job. But this lady made me turn the situation on its head and made me consider myself first, She made me remember that I have a condition that enables me from living my life as I would like to but there are also adjustments which can be made. She understood my need for normality but made me realise that my normal is normal, not someone else's normal! We talked for a long time about what to expect and how to prepare for returning to work. There are so many considerations and situations that I will need to be ready for. The emotional side of things, the staff I haven't seen for six months, I know some will want a hug, Others will be afraid to ask questions in case they might upset me, some staff will be new and wont know me while others wont care. Having to take a step back instead of taking the lead, learning to say out loud that there is something I cant do instead of just thinking it. Exhaustion, my brain works so hard to absorb all the information it receives, desperately tucking information away in memory for the next time I need it, the information I need for work has been asleep for months, it will take a while to get it pumping around my head again. Life doesn't stop when you finish work for the day, there are still Mum matters to get on with, meals to cook, house to clean, dog to walk, I know this process is going to take a while and it will be tiny steps as I become familiar and confident around the building again, and then building and rebuilding new and old relationships with staff and all that is before I am let back into the classroom. Above all she was very clear about the level of support they are there to provide and was keen to look into ways of helping me manage better. I am happy to come away from the meeting not feeling like a hindrance and with the knowledge I still valued as a member of staff. All that I have to come is nothing compared to what those people in that waiting room are going through and I count myself very lucky that the only thing I am loosing is sight.  Life can be cruel, don't take it for granted, do the things you want, tell the people you love that you love them and above all don't take chances with your health.
Speak Soon x

Cirque Du Soleil

What a day we had yesterday going into London to see Cirque Du Soleil at the Royal Albert Hall. I have written my review and emailed it off to RNIB Connect and now I thought I would share with you the utter bloody delights of myself and my Mother on a day out in London. 
Luckily, yesterday was beautiful, the sun shone, the sky was blue(ish) and although it was cold it wasn't freezing, I even managed to get away with wearing just one pair of socks under my boots instead of the usual three.
The show started at 3oclock in the afternoon so Mum and I caught the 12.24 train from home into Finsbury Park, hoping on the Piccadilly line, enjoying the swift trip down the line to south Kensington and then walking the short trip to the Royal Albert in the sunshine arriving there in time to have a lovely glass of wine and a slice of cake before the performance began......only joking!!
We got on the train going to Finsbury Park and found two seats, got ourselves settled and then realised the reason these two seats were empty was because they were beside the loo where someone must have had a bowel problem because the stench coming form under the loo door was putrid, A few stops down the line and Mum managed to spot a couple of empty seats in the next carriage, so we grabbed them quick. The rest of the journey to Finsbury Park was much more pleasant. Once we got off at FP we needed to get the tube, now, anyone that knows me will know that I am one for needing to know exactly where I am going, so I had looked up the route, checked and double checked it, I even wrote it all down clearly on a sheet of paper so Mum would be able to follow my awful writing clearly, but no, my directions failed at the first hurdle and the tube we needed wasn't where my sheet of paper said it was, so we had to rely on the good old fashioned common sense and read the signs, which put us safely in the right direction. Once we were safely seated on the tube I began counting down the stops to South Kensington (the amount of stops was also something I had also written down wrongly on my sheet) and as we approached the stop I thought should have been our stop I felt a wave of panic as I realised the words being spoken over the loud speaker did not match the words on my sheet. I screwed up the sheet and chucked it in my bag. Two stops later and the words matched so we got off and followed the crowd, only to find the crowd had just switched platforms and were waiting for another train! Undefeated we once again looked at the signs and found the 'way out'.
As I had screwed up my sheet, I decided the best way forward would be to use the sat nav app thingy on my phone to get us to the Royal Albert, so my phone tells me to turn right and off we went, I remembered writing on my sheet that the walk from the tube to the hall should take about eight minutes. Twenty minutes later and I decided that the app on my phone was indeed shit and we were completely lost.
Mum took charge and grabbed my cane steering us across the road and into a florist to ask for directions, the florist who was really lovely took us back out onto the street and pointed to some traffic lights a couple of feet away, told us to turn left and follow the road around the bend a little way and this will bring us back to the tube station where we just need to follow the signs for the Royal Albert Hall. How the hell had we walked so far and yet been so close? Anyway after many swear words, we finally arrived at the hall with fifteen minutes to spare before the performance started.
Honestly, we managed to find Stella McCartney, but find the Royal Albert..nope, no where to be seen!
I love this building, and I hope its sight will always remain in my memory, its so beautiful and awesome. From the moment we stepped through the doors we were treated with respect and care. 

We were taken in the lift by a member of staff to our box and seated without any problems. Two gentlemen who were sat in front of us moved to a different box which left us to jump into the front seats and obtain a perfect view of the stage below. 

So, Cirque Du Soleil are like acrobats, dressed as different insects and they give the most amazing show ever. I was quite literally sat on the edge of my seat as these humans were being tossed around in the air like flakes of paper. I cant remember the last time I went though so many different emotions in such a short time, horror, relief, amazement, love and pure admiration for the trust and devotion these people have for each other. At times they were hanging or being swung by a foot or a hand, often defying the laws of gravity and balance. Definitely something we shouldn't try at home. 

On the stage throughout the performance there was a love story being played out between a fly and a ladybird, this bringing all the laughs and coo's which was sometimes a relief as it gave a chance for your heart to stop beating through your mouth and start beating normally before the next act came on. At no point during the show did their performance slip and they kept producing all the gasps and breath holding right to the very end, where some men dressed a lot like greenfly climbed to the top of a climbing wall, which was nearly the height of the hall, and leapt off the wall onto massive trampolines below and bounced back up on to the wall landing on their feet, and one point there was six greenfly all bouncing and jumping at the same time, incredible timing and bravery.

The whole hall fell silent as an insect rode a unicycle along a tightrope and a group of ants used each other as flying trapeze.

As we neared the end of the performance, I began to worry about the journey home and how the hell we were going to get back to the tube. So, Mum and I slowly gathered all our stuff and organised and prepared ourselves for London on a Friday evening at 5oclock.

On goes my coat, and I put my hand in my coat pocket for my train ticket and its not there, we searched through my bag, but no I had lost my bloody train ticket.

Gutted at the thought of having to buy another ticket we made our way out of the hall and onto the street, in the darkness I realised I had no idea which direction the tube station was, so this time instead of following the crowd, we asked for directions. A lovely man talked us through the eight minute walk and luckily we were at the tube in no time at all. All the time I kept checking for my ticket but it didn't show up. As we approached the gates at the tube station, I say approached, anyone who tries to get home from London on a Friday evening will tell you the public turn into animals and its each for their own, people push, shove and will jump over you if necessary. At the disabled gate I almost cried to the staff member that I had lost my ticket. He informed me that they would have to keep me underground then...to which I stupidly replied...but I'm hungry...so he let me through and told me not to worry about my lost ticket. The tube was rammed and my cane certainly did nothing to get me a seat, and the old familiar panic began to rise as the carriage got busier and hotter, Mum had got moved a little further down the isle and I knew I needed a focus before all hell broke loose and I had a full on panic attack on the packed train, Mum could see me changing my breathing to try and calm myself and began trying to calm me, but it wasn't working, after a few minutes I noticed that the two people in front of me where, quite frankly, talking a load of bollocks to each other so I listened in, this distracted me long enough for us to reach the kings cross stop and the train almost emptied. From then on British rail staff were fab, they let me though all the barriers and helped us find the platform for the quickest train home.

Despite my usual disasters Mum and I had a fantastic time, The show was truly amazing and I feel so lucky, not only to have won the tickets but also to have had our own box to observe it from.

Today I am exhausted and have spent most of the day curled up on the sofa writing to you!

Speak again soon x 

A Little news

Does anyone else get their hair caught in their glasses?? If there is one thing that will piss me off instantly, its getting a single strand of hair caught in the hinge of the arm of my glasses. What's worse is, I only wear my glasses to pop across to the loo first thing in the morning, while I am in the bathroom I put my contact lenses in, and at night my contact lenses come out as soon as my backside hits the bed mattress and my glasses will be on my face for about 15 minutes and still when I go to pull them off, PING, another bloody strand of hair is yanked out by the roots. I suppose some people are more sensitive to having their hair pulled, and some people quite like it there is a special time and place for that, BUT when its pulled out by your glasses as you stand at the bathroom sink at 6.30 in the morning all I want to do is throw the bloody things on the floor and stamp on them until they are nothing more than dust!
Anyway, now I have that out of my system I will tell you my news...Firstly the OH appointment is THIS week, a letter came Saturday morning with the appointment date for this Thursday, I keep getting waves of excitement at the prospect of getting back to work, sharply followed by waves of panic that they will think I am no longer any used to anyone and therefore decided I need sacking. Fingers crossed for a positive outcome!
Secondly, I don't think I have told you this before, but I am one of the most unlucky people in the world, I don't mean terrible things happen to me, I mean if someone brought sixty scratch cards and gave me fifty-five of them keeping five for themselves, I wouldn't win a thing while they would win thousands, so when I had a email from the RNIB last Friday asking if I would like to enter myself in for a chance of getting tickets to the Royal Albert Hall to see Cirque du soleil this week, in return for writing a review I immediately entered, half knowing that I didn't really stand a chance, imagine my surprise when I got a phone call yesterday saying I had won two tickets....this never happens, I don't know what I am more excited about, a trip to the Royal Albert, or writing a review! I love writing, that would be my idea job, to visit places and write reviews on them, but at the moment getting back into my usual routine is proving hard enough. But, I am looking forward to submitting my 500 words on Monday. 
Thirdly, I started swimming again yesterday, and fudge me I ache this morning, I (we, my friend and I) swam 11 lengths, it was quite busy, but It felt great to be back on it, I would really like to build up enough confidence to be able to go swimming on my own and be able to swim away from the edge of the pool. At the moment, I think I am going to focus on building up my strength again and build up the lengths slowly, learning to steer around other swimmers and keep the momentum up! 
I am still writing in my diary every night, making sure I only write positive things, it seems to be helping my sleep to be thinking about positive things, some days, obviously, its quite hard to think of a positive, especially days like last Sunday, when the weather was so crappy, we spent all day in our pjs watching TV, in fact I had to sit through so many episodes of Kardashian's I know all their names now! Long gone are the days when the girls an I would stay in on horrible days watching Scooby Doo all day, I think I would have rather watched Scooby Doo than the K's. Right, I am rambling on about nothing now, so I will leave you and speak to you all after I have been to Royal Albert Hall. x

Counting my lucky stars

Yesterday, my friends, I successfully managed to set fire to my washing machine......the first bloody day in weeks that the sun has shone and the wind has been strong enough to dry washing on the washing line...and the only wet washing I had was singed and smelt of burning and only fit for the bin! However, I count my lucky stars that I hadn't gone out or done the washing over night like I usually do otherwise things could...no, definitely would be a whole lot different today. 
Now I have a new washing machine and dishwasher on order, an order that cant be delivered until the 4th Feb, bloody marvellous! I wonder if anyone would notice if I did the washing-up and my laundry at the same time in the kitchen sink? I refuse to let this get me down, I promised myself that I would maintain a positive attitude throughout this year, two bloody weeks into January and already I am being tested, but tonight when I write in my diary I will still write something positive and put the negative to one side.
In fairness, the washing machine has been playing up for a few days, so I had a little nagging voice in my head warning me to be careful with it, but I had just popped upstairs for literally 2 minutes when I heard Ralph whimpering, thinking he had hurt himself I came rushing downstairs to find the kitchen full of a foul smelling smoke and big electrical popping sounds which could only mean that I needed to move bloody quickly, stupidly I just yanked the plug out of the wall socket when I suppose I should have gone to the main switch board thingy and flipped off all the electrics, but hey, nothing like a little shock to wake you up in the morning!
Ralph and I managed to get the clothes out of the machine, but they were nasty....Ralph and I just stood there looking at each other and then looking at the heap of disgusting clothes on the floor, if I left the clothes wet I would never get rid of the smell and my best jeans were in there and daughter number ones new clothes, so I shoved them all into a bag, grabbed Ralphs lead and we ran to the bus stop, jumped on the bus, to the relief of all the other bus goes we got off a few stops down taking the foul smell with us and took the washing to mums, where she did some kind of mystical magical miracle and a couple of hours later the washing was returned, clean, dry, ironed and smelling like wild flowers on a summers day! I cant wait for the day that I turn into a hero mum, actually maybe you never realise that you have turned into a hero mum, perhaps it time we started telling our hero parents that they are hero's!!
Anyway, all drama aside, the important thing for me at the moment is that I seem to be continuing to be able to see through the black smudge that is my friend the floater, my confidence is definitely returning in leaps and bounds. The girls and I took the train to Woodbridge two weekends ago, there wasn't a single moment when the dark bothered me as we did three different station changes on a Friday night. I am so very lucky to have friends who we can go to and feel so welcome, there is never any expectations we do what we want, wear what we want and talk about the strangest things over Sunday dinner. So I have been set up with a dose of the tinkling boats, fresh sea air and cosy calm chatter, mind you, if this current bout of things breaking continues I might find myself packing bags, getting back on the train and finding detachment from it all. 
I am feeling so confident that I am going to start swimming again next week, my lovely friend and I will be braving the cold water at Hitchin pool on Monday morning, and hopefully things will start falling into place now and before I know it I will be back at work pissing everyone off with my constant bossiness. 
well, I suppose I should go and walk Ralph, the sun is out again, and its windy, bloody typical another day where I could have had washing on the line, just you wait, as soon as I get a new machine, the April showers will start early!!
Speak soon x

Another new year!

Happy new year to you all. I, personally, am more than happy to say good bye to 2017, and now, with the door firmly shut on it I hope this year will be better. Of course, I am a strong believer that life is what you make it and your attitude towards life's struggles defines how you cope and in turn makes you stronger.
So I start January with a fresh positive attitude, for Christmas I was given a diary, quite a big one, in fact its unusual in that its pretty, colourful and just like me, different. I am going to write in it every day with at least one positive thing that has happened during the day, no matter how small. 
This new years eve Mum and I went to the cinema and then for a meal, while my girls stayed home and drank too much Bacardi..I used my newly acquired cinema card, CEA card, and Mum got to see the movie for free, I wasn't really looking forward to it because I was worried about how the bright screen might affect the floater especially as one of the things to avoid was the cinema, but I need not have worried, other than a head ache the next day I was fine. TGI Fridays were fab, I had already emailed them and asked for a fairly well lit table and a large print menu if they could, they didn't fuss, we had a lovely table, it was up some steps but the waiter quietly talked me up them, they hadn't got a large print menu but he was happy to talk me through it. I had already checked out the menu while I was at home on-line and chosen starter and main. It was a lovely evening and a fab way to start the new year.
So, with my daily job list and writing a positive thing in my diary each day, I feel like this year is definitely starting differently....I stood in the garden new years day and the air smelt fresh, it was so quiet, I had that little spark inside my tummy like when you know everything will be ok, and then it started to rain, and it poured down for the rest of the day, but it didn't matter because I was something I haven't been in a long while...Happy!
A few days into January and I realised I could see better, I don't mean a miracle had occurred and suddenly I could see again, I mean my brain has started to manage the floater better, its still there and if I look for it, I can see it, its still in my central vision, but I seem to be able to see through it. I don't think I can see as well as I did before the floater arrived, but there has been a definite improvement. Hugely excited, I dashed about telling myself that I could be back to work next week, so I made an appointment at the doctors to get signed back on and emailed all the important people to let them know I thought I was ready to get back to normality. Only for it to occur to me that things might not be that easy, getting back to work certainly isn't that easy as I have to see various people to check that I am safe to be in the school environment for both the pupils and myself, this I totally understand, and the fact that I haven't been anywhere for the last three weeks or more might be leading me into a false sense of security. By this I mean, I have been following the instructions given to me by my consultant and those that I found on the internet about treating a floater, I have literally done everything by the book, I have rested, not spent too much time on the computer, drunk more fluid, taken gentle exercise, made sure I sleep well, but all these things have been done in my own environment, where there are no children moving around quickly, and no demands on me, there are no time limits when I am at home, there is no pressure to read or write, at home if I feel I have done too much, I rest...that is not transferable into the working day. Also, no two days are the same, the weather makes a difference, bright sunshine makes the floater blacker, dull rainy days makes it less visible. However, to my mind, the only way to find out if I can manage back at work, is to go back to work. Meeting with the Occupational Health isn't a nice feeling, initially the thought of having a referral to them made me feel like everyone thought I was lying, or that my employer was looking for ways to sack me, but its a process that has to be gone through to protect me, my employer and the children in my care. So I wait for the appointment to come, take each day as a new one and look forward to what ever happens.
I am not sure how Ralph will be when I get back to work, animals can be funny about having the routine changed, he has become used to me being in all day, used to snuggling up and sleeping on my lap. I am pretty sure he will cop the nark, he had a mood on for three days when we put the Christmas tree up cos the grumpy little bugger doesn't like change....and lord help you if a suitcase comes out of the loft, he will take to his bed and not want to move!
Anyway, Happy new year again and I will keep you all updated x