The only way is forward

How on earth is it possible that the last blog I wrote was on the 19th Jan, and today is suddenly 9th Feb?? It doesn't seem to matter how often I tell myself I am going to write weekly, I just cant seem to fit it in! This makes me sound like I have such a busy schedule and I really haven't, my new routine is proving much easier to cope with than I thought. I know its only for four hours a day, but it has been many months since I have had such a commitment, and many you know how hard it was for me to even get out of bed and get dressed this time last year! I am now looking forward to getting up each morning, walking Ralph and making sure I do a couple of household jobs before I leave. It helps a lot that I wear a uniform, its not the most attractive uniform in the world, but its comfortable and I'm kind of proud of it! Being in the kind of environment where my employer and team see 'me' before my sight loss is the best feeling ever, and I don't have that shameful feeling when I have to ask for help. This whole process has taught me that some people think that loosing your sight means that you lose both your intelligence and your emotions, I feel people really believe that you wont be emotionally crushed by the things they say about and to you, I feel like they believe that you loose your ability to function as a trust worthy, regular human and suddenly you stop being the person that is relied upon to support and hold the day together and you become the person who is watched, judged and risk assessed.
What I am experiencing now is a whole different thing, I'm certainly not saying that its all smooth sailing, after all I am learning a role which I know absolutely nothing about, and for a sight impaired person this isn't a easy thing to do, we crave familiarity, and constantly use our learnt routines to prompt us through the day, removing this completely disrupts our bodies, I say this because the first two weeks I was totally exhausted, and spent every afternoon 'resting' I also developed this throbbing in my bad eye, which wasn't really painful, just bloody annoying, I was avoiding mentioning this to the family as they were already keeping a watch on 'how I was managing' and as the two weeks turned into three, the throbbing stopped and I started doing things when I got home from work, mostly walking Ralph, by week four I was coming home and doing housework as well as walking Ralph, and still have enough concentration to watch a episode of Vera before falling asleep at bedtime instead of mid-afternoon. Going out at weekends has become a bit of a struggle, and I am finding I don't want to go into town or go to the shops, and I certainly notice the anxiety and stress levels rise at the thought of having to go out. This is something I intend to work on, however, with the weather being so errr, wintery, even Ralph would rather be cuddled up on the sofa than stomping over soggy muddy fields. I will be kind to myself and wait for the weather to cheer up...which reminds me.....I have daffodils growing in the garden, and they bring a little flash of warmth to my little heart to know spring is on the way! 
Anyway, as you might expect due to misunderstandings and communication issues the transition from one employer to the next wasn't the best experience ever, but its done and there's no where else to go but forward, everyone that knew me before, say I look different, more relaxed and less worried and that is simply because I am in such a better emotional place.
I am waiting for a badge to wear to let people know I have a visual impairment, although after this week I have found that I am more relaxed, I am finding that by talking aloud helps me calm down and stops me rushing through the process in order to move customers on, I have discovered that customers would rather you were a little slower and got it right that try to rush and get it wrong. 
I am, along with many other people, living proof of when life knocks you off your feet, it is possible to get back up, not only is it possible to get yourself up, its possible to make your way of life better, believing in yourself isn't something that arrives by the post in a handy envelope marked 'self confidence' believing in yourself is a long hard slog, and there will always be days when you mess up or those days when you spend all day in your pj's and you need those days to make you stronger. I am stronger and more bad-ass than I've ever been, you cant stop what life throws at you but you help the way you cope and deal with things. Time to start making new plans, and I start by saying I certainly will NOT promise to write a blog every week....always conscious of setting achievable goals right!? 😁 Speak soon...ish xx

Bin Day

Hello everyone, 
I had forgotten how hard getting back into a 'work' routine would be, my new routine has meant that I have had to walk Ralph in near darkness in the mornings, I walk my learnt route so the only real obstacle is the occasional car parked on the path and the Friday bin day chaos, when people think its ok to leave their black bins full of rubbish in the middle of the path, and the little brown food waste bins are impossible to see. Luckily the food waste bins, before they have been emptied, are of great interest to Ralph and that means I can more or less gage that the pulling on the lead and the intense sniffing means there is a bin near by.
Actually, thinking about it Friday bin days are a bloody nightmare!
Its another one of those things that as a sighted person you just don't consider. I once would have put my black wheelie bin out on the path, sometimes with a black rubbish sack beside the bin, never in a million years would it have occurred to me that perhaps there might be a someone who is visually impaired walking along the path, and that same someone might not have been able to see my bin let alone the black sack which I placed beside the bin. Loosing sight makes you consider all the overlooked, small and simple things with a whole different attitude. 
Maybe bins should be brightly coloured, have reflective strips, maybe people should be more considerate when they put their bins out..MAYBE, the people emptying the bins should also be more conscious of the implications of leaving a bin where there is not usually a bin has on someone who relies on memory to get them to and from their destinations....OR Maybe, I should just stay home on Friday mornings and let Ralph run around the garden to do his business, I suppose the bins have to be emptied and it is just one of the things which really get on my nerves, ohhh and people parking on paths, that is a subject I can really get on my soap box for!
One Friday morning a couple of weeks ago, I was walking Ralph in the semi-dark, the street lights were still on but the sky was just starting to break up and light was coming through the dark sky, as we walked along I could see the street light reflecting on something shinny on the path, and very often the person who lives along that road parks his car right up on the path so I know to move to the right and walk on the grass verge, imagine what a prat I felt when I moved to walk around the car, Ralph very selfishly did not tell me that there was a wheelie bin parked on the grass verge and even more selfishly took himself through the small gap between the car and the bin, leaving me splattered across the top of the bin, I looked up to see Ralph standing under the street light looking back at me with his head tilted to one side, I could just hear what he was thinking....woman what the hell are you doing to that wheelie bin, put it down at once and lets resume our walk. After I had pulled myself together and picked up his lead, I looked back down at him and I swear the look on his face was saying....right, lets not mention this again, but for goodness sake woman just bloody look where you are going! I'm also sure he tutted at me as he trotted off in the direction of home. 
A couple of Mondays ago I had a little bit of a accident, the day before I had heard some really sad news and Monday morning I was preoccupied with worrying about things I could do nothing about, it was one of those days where you walk into a room, stand there for 20 minutes just thinking, then suddenly your brain tunes back into your surroundings but you've no idea what it was you were in the room for, this was happening every few minutes so I gave up, clipped Ralph's lead on and took the usual route, it was fairly dark but I could feel Ralph trotting right beside my instead of his usual dashing off to find the first place to cock his leg. When I reached the top of the road I realised that I was walking the route backwards, not literally walking backwards, but I had started at the end and was walking it anti clockwise. How difficult can this be right? Clearly Ralph was struggling with this change, and I nearly turned around to walk the route in the normal direction but I thought, NO, we can do this simple act of walking a different way can't we? 
It appears this was much more difficult than I thought and I hadn't realised how unfamiliar a familiar route can be. 
I got really confused crossing the road and I don't really understand how it happened, because I am still sure I stepped off a low curb so in my mind there should have been a low curb to get me back on the path at the other side of the road, but there wasn't, there was a nice big curb and I wasn't expecting it so my foot hit the curb and my body hit the path and Ralph stood there sniffing my hair like...Are you dead Mum?
I sat up and rubbed my grazed hands and reached out for Ralphs lead again, once he realised I was OK, he was back to the judgemental, side eye glances and the 'I told you so' attitude that I have learnt to expect from him. 
The whole thing had bothered me that much that I went back in the daylight to see where I went wrong, when I walk in my usual direction I follow the curve of the road which leads me to the low curb. Coming from the other direction there is no real curve because there is someone's drive in the way so I crossed the road at the junction where there is no low curb!!..and boom, there we have it, sight impaired woman splattered all over the path and a wheelie bin in less than four days, bit of a record that I recon. 
Anyway, the heating has gone off, and I'm bloody cold, so I'm off to bed, speak soon xx

New Beginings

 I've re-written my first blog of 2019 three times already. I just don't know where to start, since the last time I wrote I've barely had five minutes to think let alone sit and write. I am aware that I've lost loads of readers due to my lack of blogging but sometimes life takes over and before you know it two months have passed and I haven't posted a word!
SO, Happy new year to you all, I wish you all love, wealth and health for 2019, well, definitely love and health, wealth is just a added bonus!
Lots has happened during the last couple of months, Ralph became poorly again, this time I got him to the vets before he coved me in blood, but unfortunately the vet got it instead (I say unfortunately, but I was secretly relieved that he saved it for her especially as she was wearing one of those white coats that protect your clothes). We had a fun week after the visit to the vets as it took all three of us to pin him down to syringe his medicine into him, the following week found him moping around as he clearly had the hump with us and felt that we had been horrible to him, however the week after that he suddenly got over it and occupied himself by hiding under the Christmas tree and jumping out at who ever walked past, he even sat with us one evening when we were playing dog bingo, the youngest daughter gave him his own doggie board, he sat looking at it for a few minutes, looked up at us playing then sat on his board, like, This board, my human friends, now belongs to me!!
The following day I took him for our first long walk in weeks, it was so lovely to see his tail wagging away as he ran off in front, chasing birds and squirrels and running back to me as if to say...look Mum, I'm having a great time. He looks like a different dog and is so happy, fingers crossed it lasts this time.
I just checked back on the last blog I wrote and it seems I forgot to publish it properly, honestly, its no wonder I've lost readers!! I think it went onto my Facebook page but not on the other sites, never mind...where was I , oh yes, so, with Ralph not really feeling like he wanted to walk far, I had plenty of time on my hands, and with Christmas around the corner and my creative streak bursting to show its face, I found some old wool and made a Christmas wreath out of woollen pompoms. I was actually really impressed with the result, and everyone who saw it encouraged me to make some through the year this year and find myself a stall on a craft market and sell them, I have started looking for cheap wool in the shops and asking friends for donations of any old wool hanging around and the pompom making has begun. I think I'm going to make a small and a large wreath and a heart shaped one too. 

What do you think of my prototype? and do you think they will sell? or are my family and friends just being kind?

Right in the middle of me wondering how the hell I ever had time to go to work, I got..THE CALL...in fact I got two calls, one from Tesco and the other from our local hospital, both inviting me to interview!! 

After my last disastrous attempt at interview, I did shyte loads of research for Tesco, honestly, by the time I had finished gathering information I knew which colour y-fronts Mr Tesco prefers!

This interview was much better, I felt quietly confident as I left, and the day before I was due to go to the interview at the Hospital, I got another call offering me the job, so I accepted, declined the other interview politely and am now training to be the new stock controller at a little Tesco store near where I live! 

I'll be honest, it was really hard work at first, there is so much to learn and its a area I've absolutely no experience in at all but three weeks down the line and my training is coming on in leaps and bounds, although I now have a little dilemma....Do I wear a badge which informs people that I am visually impaired or not? The thing is, I think it would be a good idea, as I haven't been using my cane, mostly because I have to carry around a mini printer, a PDA (little computer thing that zaps the bar code on products), a clip board, couple of pens and a load of paperwork, ohhh and my magnifiers, so Kevin the cane stays home! 

I think it would warn people that I'm maybe not as quick to find things as regular sighted people might be and there is a reason why I didn't see your child racing up the isles on his scooter!!

However, it has been brought to my attention that a VI badge might not be such a good idea, maybe people might use the fact that I 'cant see' as a bit of reason to try and errr, confuse me!

What do I do? To wear a badge or not to wear a badge this is the question!! 

I suppose I wont know unless I try it, Mr Tesco seems ok with the badge, and is happy to provide one, so I will give it a go and let you know how it goes. 

Right, im off to wash up and get myself ready for Monday Morning. Have a good week everyone!

xx

Knock backs

The thing I find most alarming is the damage a single knock back can do to your confidence and self-esteem. Well, actually two in one day...yesterday was a complete sod of a day and tipped me right off the edge into a pit of worry, self pity and hate for the wrongs which have been handed out to me, primarily, visual bloody impairment.
I hated myself yesterday, I hated that I cant be 'normal' I hated that rock bottom requires such bloody effort to pick yourself up and I hated that nothing seems to ever go the way I want it to....just for once, just once, do you think I could answer a phone call and the news could be positive, or open a letter and it tell me that actually I am a lovely person so this month I can pay my gas bill with a hug and everything will be ok. Instead I hear that because I am applying for work it means that I cant get help with my bills, never mind that the job I applied for I didn't get, and the four other jobs I applied for I didn't even get a thanks but no!
Yesterday was the type of day that sends someone to bed and they don't get up for two days. I however still have a Ralph to walk, two young ladies to pick up after and a house to clean...mind you, I was on the brink of punching the next person who mentioned Christmas right on the nose. 
I completely messed up the first interview I've had in 15 years and its worse because I knew exactly where I went wrong but had to wait three days to be have that clarified. I was a mess, but I intend to put to down to experience, or lack of and at least now I know what to expect next time round.
Anyway, all that aside, its the 'mental' side of things that worries me, how easy it is for dark thoughts to creep into your head, and how one rejection can make you feel so useless and dissolve any kind of faith in your ability to succeed. 
Crying is supposed to help, but it exhausts me and as my tear ducts don't work properly so crying isn't helpful, the chemical released when you start to cry only helps momentarily until I realise that I've got crusty eyes instead of wet ones, my contact lenses dry up and cloud over, then I can see even less than before, which then starts off the whole feeling rubbish cycle again.
I don't like this period my life is taking me through at the moment and for all my efforts I seem unable to steer it in to more positive waters. 
Why do we let things, events, people worry us so much? Maybe, like myself, we like to be in control of the things which happen and the emotions that come attached to those things, being out of control makes us feel vulnerable, I felt like I had failed yesterday. Failed myself and my family.
By tea time I was thoroughly fed up with myself and knew the wallowing period had peaked and it was time to re-channel my emotions into something more positive.
Everything happens for a reason right? Maybe there is something better waiting around the corner, right? This time next week, yesterday will be drifting further away into the past and the only way to go is forward...right?
I took Ralph out for a little walk and when I got home I sat at the kitchen table with my laptop in front of me staring at a massive list of jobs on the Indeed website, by the time I had filtered out the driving jobs and caring jobs the list was, well, it was disheartening to say the least.
So I tapped into Google 'Jobs for the disabled' and jobs working with disabilities came up....surely there must be something out there that helps people back into work. The search just kept giving me jobs working with disabled people, so I went onto the RNIB page for my area and asked for help, what do you know! Within seconds I had reply's from people giving guidance and support. 
Through these people I discovered that there is a disability icon that companies attach to their logo informing people that they are a 'disability friendly' company and actively employ staff with disabilities, including VI. Once again the fire inside me flicked back on and at 6am this morning I found myself back at the laptop applying for a role at a nearby Tesco. I also discovered that my local hospital has one of these logos to, and just as soon as I have published this, I am going to apply there too!
I don't think sighted people quite understand how frustrating it is to loose sight. Its annoying in its self because you cant see, but sight loss enhances the brain, my brain is crying out for activity, its more alert now than its ever been and we notice things that sighted people often miss because our other senses are magnified.
It is so good to know that there is support out there, and I love hearing everyone else's stories I am inspired by the VI folks out there holding down a job, those people have given me the courage to keep applying, which is amazing given the fact that I am a bury my head in the sand when things aren't going my way type of gal. 
Today had been a good day, and I understand the realism of being able to walk into a new job four weeks after leaving my last one was slightly errr... overkill, and I hadn't given thought to how hard it is to actually apply for these roles given the last interview was 15 years ago.
Today I listened to a firm but kind voice telling me that things will get better and there are so many other possibilities and opportunities out there. That voice along with the other kind words of support from the RNIB Facebook page have put me back on track. Thank you everyone xx

seeing differently

A few months ago I wrote two very different blogs and couldn't bring myself to post them. At the time they seemed 'heavy' as so many things had happened in such a short time, well, in about a year anyway, and I didn't know which way to turn. Reading those blogs back to myself today, I realise that it is OK to write things that no-one is going to ever read, there is nothing wrong in writing your feelings down because some how writing things down, a lot like talking to a good friend, is a way of coping with the stuff that goes on around you. 

Now that my situation is changing, I've been thinking a lot about all the people I have met on my life's journey, wondering about the people I knew who have moved on, and especially thinking about the people whose journeys have been, what I would consider as devastating at times. One lady I think about at this time of year as we approach Christmas especially. I think about the things life had dealt her and wonder how she had the strength to pull herself out of bed every day and still produce a smile. 

The thing is, you see, is that your worst time is just that!!.its yours, no-one can measure or understand how you feel, because no-one knows. You do meet people along the way that I think you have some kind of spiritual connection with and that person might help you carry the load, but they still don't know exactly how you feel. 

My problem is I compare myself to everyone else, and end up feeling that I shouldn't be feeling sorry for myself because.. there's so many people out there with things going on in their lives that are so much worse than mine, but in fact there isn't. I don't know, and cant begin to understand how my friend feels when we get to this time of year..EVERY year, I can only hold her in my heart and think of her, but that doesn't help the way she feels only the way I feel.

And this works both ways, I cannot expect people to 'get' me, and this is where, I think, I have been going wrong. I assume that people I meet will automatically understand  the trauma that comes along with sight loss and they will make allowances for the days that I am crabby or the days that I come across as being rude, and what's great is that nearly all the people who know me do just that, these are the people who knew me pre-sight loss, these people have almost protected me and kept me safe from those who don't know me.

Then the time came when the environment changed and I had to mingle with people who knew nothing about me, some wanted to understand and some just didn't. Suddenly those protectors are no longer there, my own invisible bubble wrap was popped and have been introduced to a new world. 

For a while I seriously felt like I was running around naked, everyone, in my mind, was looking at me. judging me and a few times I felt some people I met didn't believe I had sight loss.

I totally lost sight of everything I was taught in my CBT sessions, and that was when the whole jigsaw puzzle scenario began. Some-one had thrown my puzzle in the air and there was no way of finding those pieces because they were still in the air, way above my head. 

When RNIB started promoting 'See the person not the sight loss', they produced a few videos attached to the slogan. One of the videos had this guy sitting at a table in what looked like a shopping centre café, he was eating an ice-cream and it showed other peoples reactions to this guy, to many it looked a lot like he was looking right at them and eating his ice-cream in a 'suggestive' manner. One woman lifts her left hand and points at her wedding ring, another one unzips her top a bit and fluffs up her cleavage and then this other guy who clearly thinks the guy eating the ice-cream is coming on to him so he blows kisses at him When the guy eating the ice-cream gets up and flicks out his white cane and walks past the other people without a glance, the other people are mortified. 

It made me laugh one because I am a little bit evil but, two, because I can relate to that completely.

Its scary how someone can just assume something about you with out knowing anything about you isn't it?

I know I take it for granted that everyone understands sight loss. It might sound harsh that I don't want to keep explaining why I do things a certain way, or why I seem to be ignoring someone when actually their constant talking means I have to concentrate harder on the other stuff that is going on around me.

 The trouble is, traditionally when someone is labelled as being blind some people think that being blind means, well, it means you cant see and the fact that you are out without using a cane or you are able to hold down a job must mean that either you are lying or you cant be that bad! 

I think I have finally come to terms with the fact that some people just aren't interested in what my sight loss means to me, the people close to me know how different environments effect me, they understand how changes to my usual routine take a lot of adjusting too, and that is really all I need to worry about. 

The last three weeks have been a big fat bag of mixed emotions, one minute I am balling my eyes out the next I am as high as a kite. Today has been the first day I have really felt peaceful inside. I put up some Christmas lights in the conservatory, which was a hilarious procedure as I had to get the ladder in from the garden which was covered in leaves, mud rain water and spiders, there I am balanced on the top of this ladder with a string of flashing fairy lights stuffed in my dressing gown pocket, a tube of super glue in my mouth (which was a very bad idea) and some little, apparently sticky, hooks. I happily wobbling around trying to fight off the cobwebs and there's this little whimper from wayyyy down below on the carpet there sits Ralph, the dog clearly knows I should not be up the ladder and continues to whinge until I got down. I tell you something though, there's no way those fairy lights are coming back down, I'm afraid they are stuck to the walls forever now, and when the super glue leaked onto my lips I had the panic of my life, wondering how I was going to phone for help if my lips got glued together. 

Ralph and I have been on a good two hour walk in the autumn sunshine, and I am now feeling tired after my busyish day.

Leta see what next week brings! xx

Job centre confusion

I am totally confused!
Yesterday I went into town for my appointment at the job centre to sign on. I have never had to use the job centre in my life and am finding it the most demeaning experience ever! 
So, I applied for Job seekers allowance three weeks ago and received a letter a week later to say I would receive £72 a week, four days later I got another letter to tell me they had changed their mind and I wouldn't get anything! So I phone the 'Helpline' number and a lady tells me that JSA only lasts for 28 days so I need to apply for something else...also named JSA, get a form from the job centre.
Yesterday was my third visit, and while I sat wedged in between a young man who kept sucking his teeth while cradling his can of special brew and seemed to have trouble stopping his legs from shaking and another young man who had terrible body odour and kept sniffing every two seconds, I thought WTF am I doing here? and get yourself a bloody tissue.
This isn't fair, I keep telling myself this is just a process but honestly mingling with the 'cant be arsed to find myself a job' people of the world, just makes me feel so horrible, sad and low. 
I am always called first which also irritates me, its like they think, oh quick, its the blind lady, we better see her first, actually I am quite happy to sit and wait my turn, either that or they are putting off dealing with the smelly little sods sitting beside me.
I dunno, maybe I am wrong, but I kind of thought that the people at the job centre were supposed to recommend jobs for you to apply for, I thought that was the whole point! Last time I went I took in my CV, the lady sat behind her desk and looked blankly at me when I handed it to her and said...errr, I'll pop it in your file! It's no good in the bloody file, at no point has anyone I've seen asked me if I have applied for any jobs or offered me any kind of job related conversation. As far as I can tell, you go in every two weeks, sign on the line and your money gets paid into your account (except it doesn't in my case) and that's that, you are free to go sit on a bench with your can of special brew. Surely they are supposed to guide you into work and get you off the JSA, surely its better to be in work than claiming benefits isn't it? I want to work, but I don't think the job centre is going to support me with this, and I wonder if its just me, maybe they think I should be sat at home on the sofa feeling isolated and lonely, because that's what disabled people should do isn't it?
Not this bloody disabled person, I can see I have one hell of a fight ahead of me, and I think I might have to get RNIB's new slogan tattooed across my forehead...See the person not the sight loss. 
I don't think I have ever felt so useless, and frankly so poor, literally skint.
I wish I didn't have to go to the job centre but I am doing everything I am supposed to. I have found myself watching people a lot more, trying to decide if they are enjoying the job they do, and I am not actually sure the crowd in the JC do enjoy their job, the guy who I saw yesterday gave me the distinct impression that he was looking down his nose at me, when I told him I had been to the RNIB offices to do some shadowing, he stopped typing on his computer, looked at me over the top of his glasses and said dryly without any enthusiasm...'Good luck with that!' if the people who are supposed to be helping you aren't helping how the hell does anyone stand a chance of moving forward and finding work.
However, they are about to come unstuck as I have a meeting on this subject soon, and now I have experienced how just bloody awful it is having to battle to fight your corner, I shall not be shy in telling whoever wants to know that this is shit!
No-one knows what I am capable of, no-one knows how hard I will work, no-one knows how much I can give, no-one knows how reliable I am, and no-one is prepared to give me that chance, just because I have a sight problem, it doesn't mean my brain has stopped working, if anything my brain is more alert than some of the people I have worked with who are sighted. Please don't judge me on my sight loss.
And now I am off to the fridge to find some chocolate, and sit back on my sofa.
xx

Mid week adventure

well, a new day and my boy is looking much better! We went for a long..slow..walk this morning, the furthest we have been in at least two weeks, he managed the steps of the bridge going over the railway station without stopping, and he spent most of the walk ahead of me instead of lagging behind.

He had chewed his tail, which was looking awful, but that seems to be looking better too.

Well earned treat and sofa time after a two hour stroll around the woods!

Anyway, last week a volunteer for Bedfordshire Sight Concern delivered me a new dab radio.

It looks the same as the old one, except it now has a memory stick component, which means I can now play my talking books while I am cooking dinner or doing housework. 

The guy dropped it round on Friday morning and it hasn't been off since then really, tuned into my two favourite radio stations, Smooth Extra and kisstroy, I have been bopping my way around the house singing at the top of my voice (which is a nasty experience for anyone passing). I hadn't realised how much I had missed having the radio, I am going to try to find the RNIB radio channel later and get acquainted with that.

Last week was crazy busy, I was at the RNIB in London on Monday all day, I met some really lovely people and being in such a positive environment gave me the kick up the backside I needed. 

The week before I had applied for four jobs, if I am honest I was a bit bored and fed up, so I did a little experiment, two of them I disclosed my disability to, and the other two I didn't..bet you cant guess which two I heard from on Tuesday morning asking if I would like to attend interviews, as it happened, one was a bit mis-leading in the advert, when the lady on the phone started to explain more about the role, I realised that it was more of a care assistant role, which i something I need to move away from and the other one, well, I just wanted to see if I could get a interview. The other two, the ones I disclosed to, I still haven't heard from. So, there we are, inclusion for everyone eh?

Wednesday found me on the train to Peterborough for my very first coffee social, with other visually impaired folks. Despite the crappy weather, it was a lovely morning, I met some people with some fascinating stories that ignited something in me which had been blown out months ago. The creative writer in me was exploding in my head and I was dying to get out pen and paper and start making notes I ate lemon drizzle cake instead and sat still while three guide dogs wiggled around my legs under the table, one of them, settling across my feet keeping my toes warm.

I spent the afternoon nosing around the RNIB offices, chatting to more lovely people, again, the atmosphere is so positive that you cant help feeling at home.

I left the RNIB at 2.30pm

  to catch the 3 o'clock home as I needed to meet my daughter at 3.30. But the train had been cancelled as a train near London had broken down on the track and was causing chaos. The next train had been cancelled to, the next one was 4.18. So, I took myself off to Waitrose, used their loo and wondered around. I found the café and sat there for a while wondering how to waste more time, when my phone rings, daughter number two is worried where I have got to, I explain there is trouble on the tracks and she checks her 'app' and informs me that the 4.18 has been cancelled too.

 The daughter starts to panic, insisting that I am going to be stuck there and someone needs to rescue me. I assured her that I did not need rescuing, and that I will go back to the station and ask someone what's going on. Three cancelled trains equals a s**t ton of people all crammed into the station, necks craned trying to get the first glimpse of a moving train on the departures board. My cane collided with a few ankles and suddenly the crowd parted like the dead sea and I made my way to the information desk. 

A nice young lady let me through to the platform and said there should be a train at 5. As I stand there the platform gets more and more crowed and I

know there is no way I am going to get on this train safely with all these people, who frankly weren't very happy with the delays. So, I ring my partner just for a chat, a reassuring voice, but ohhhh noooo. He is in more of a panic than my daughter, and instructs me to go back to the information desk. I refuse and hang up.

The very next minute, there is a voice over the loud speaker telling me to go back to the information desk where I will pick up assisted travel. 

Once again the crowd parted and I made my way back to the information desk. A elderly guy takes my arm and tells me that he will help me on the train when it arrives and get me a seat. NOTHING will go wrong and you will be much safer here with us as there is about 600 people on the platform waiting to board the train. 

So, in rolls the train, a young man and his wheelchair and I are escorted to the disabled carriage and seated. I must admit I was relieved to be sat safely on the train, even though it wasn't moving. 5.20, and the guys who put me on the train was back, there is no driver for this train so we will all have to change trains. I say...'why cant the driver of the other train just drive this one?'...but no, this seemed to be a ridiculous idea, and so 600 people, me and my escort all barrel off to platform two. I go to use the stairs, but my escort says...health and safety my love, we will use the lift. Mate, there's F**K ALL WRONG WITH MY LEGS I JUST WANT TO GET HOME!!

In the lift I go and he faffs around with his radio, just as we get out of the lift I see the train on platform two pull away from the station. Honest to god, 600 bloody people...I have a guide and I still missed the bloody train. 

I already knew the next two trains had already been cancelled, the station was disserted, not a single person in the whole place, except me, my cane and my escort. The poor bloke was mortified and took me back to....wait for it.....the information desk and got me a chair. I couldn't speak as I wasn't sure what was going to come out of my mouth so I thought it best not to say anything at all. I think at some point a little sob might have escaped me and when the escort approached me he looked so wary that I couldn't be cross. 

'Don't worry my love, the railway have booked you a taxi to get you home'...all I could say was ..'but, I'm hungry 'so he gave me a card for a free coffee. I hate coffee, but I took it anyway, thanked him and was bundled into a taxi. 

The taxi driver, really nice bloke, but had no idea how to get to my area of Bedfordshire and asked if he needed to get on the A14....no mate A1.

Two hours after leaving the station, five hours after leaving the RNIB offices, I get home to a bowl of soup and my bed.

Gotta love an adventure!

xx