Wednesday

Hello everybody! Well, what a bitch of a week its been, although when I look around at other peoples shattered lives and their ability to pull them selves together and get on with it, I do feel slightly ashamed of myself.
Its been a year since my last check up at the opticians, so I made an appointment to go visit them on Wednesday, really thinking about it, I had noticed a few months ago that my sight had changed, but in classic Lynda style, I had ignored the signs, but they had been niggling at the back of my mind, and I hadn't been sleeping well and was becoming proper grouchy. So, anyway, Wednesday is my day off, and they day starts in the usual fashion, me getting up at 6.30, and spending a hour screaming at the girls to get ready  for school, my eldest needs to be out of the door by 7.30 and the youngest by 7.45, my youngest, the dog and I go out of the door at 7.50, god only knows how she manages to catch the school bus!
I walk the dog to help my sister muck out her Horses, rush back, jump in the bath, do a bit of tidying up, make a few cup cakes as a mate was popping in and ring Mum. She wasn't in the best of moods, so I tell her I am off to the opticians, appointment is at 12, but I will be catching the 10.45 bus into Hitchin if she fancied a trip...she did not fancy a trip, because the bus and I sailed past her bus stop and there was no sign of her green coat anywhere! Crap, I am on my own, I feel the little panicky thing well up in my tummy, but I repress it (I am getting well good at re pressing things) and start to think practically....I have a little shopping list, I will wonder around and do that first, then opticians, THEN...I will pop across the road to Café Nero and have a coke and maybe a cake!
It didn't quite go to plan! Shopping was all good, took me a while to find what I needed in the card shop as Valentines day seems to have overtaken the world and obviously no one has birthdays or wedding anniversaries in Feb! I used to go to a small local opticians, but found that, I dunno, with my prescription and difficulties, I found them to be a bit out of date, I know it sounds selfish, but I have to make sure the person sitting opposite me staring onto my eyes, knows exactly what they are talking about, so I changed to Specsavers, in my head, because they are such a big company, their knowledge and information would be more up to date.
So, contact lens check up first, a lovely lady who I haven't seen before, How long do you wear your contact lenses a day....ohhhhh, I put then in at about 8am and take them out about 7.30pm....(is that the ground opening up in front of me? Because I am about to fall right in it..they go in at 6.30am and most nights don't come out before 11pm)...I have my fingers crossed tightly and she says, oh lovely, they are in very good condition and they fit well on your eye, I don't think we need to change them...YIPEE she then 'just popping some dye in your eyes and then we'll check all is ok'....once the dye is in she pushes a massive machine up to my nose, I rest me chin on the place where you rest your chin! and she starts doing the..look left, look up, look towards my ear....hellooooo I cant see your bloody ear love, its dark and I have no contact lenses in! Anyway, she looks at the right eye first, which I hardly have any sight in, and says despite everything, the tissues look healthy...all good, I let a little smile spread across my face, left eye next, I do the eye aerobics again...silence, she sits back and changes her magnifier light thingy and looks again, more silence, she then wheels herself on her wheelie chair back to her computer, silence, all I can hear is the computer mouse clicking, she wheels back, silence as she looks again, I HATE silence, JUST BLOODY TELL ME...well, it seems there is a build up of floaters in your left eye, which wouldn't be so bad if you didn't have such massive ones in your right eye blocking the little vision you have left. Bloody great, if I am honest I had noticed them, but I thought they were like everyone gets and they come and go, but it seems they are persistent little buggers and are there all the time.
So, she starts to tidy up and suggests that as I am going for a sight test next, I leave my contact lenses out and she will help me get to the room where this is performed, fine by me, she then says....I hope you don't mind me saying, but for someone whose sight is so bad you are very well maintained...what did she think I was gonna be like? Did she think that because I cant see too good I was gonna be going out without putting on lippy,having greasy unwashed hair and a ridiculous sense of fashion??? Nooooo my friends, this is not me, my partner and I have this agreement that if my sight is ever bad enough that I am unable to chose my own clothes, he will never ever let me go out looking ship wreaked...and luckily he has very good taste!
I then got the usual conversation,...how dooo you manage? One of the most hated questions ever, and have decided not to answer it any more, for fear of saying...How the Eff do you think?..So after a lot of fussing, which is number 2 on my hate list, we go to a different little room, where, with a different youngish lady, I have my sight test. I have met this lady before, and the out come was that I can see a line less that this time last year, for regular sighted people this is not really a problem but for me and others like me this spells disaster.
Obviously I knew it had got worse, but I was hoping that maybe, I was imagining it, I put my contact lenses in while she wrote a letter of referral for Moorfields and for the first time I could see the look of concern and sympathy on her face (sympathy being number 3 on the hate list) and I was frightened. The very first time over all I have been through, it all suddenly felt very real, in my head I though the most sight I would loose would be in my bad eye and I would manage with the other, suddenly, someone was telling me that this was not the case and I felt my whole world come crashing down around my feet. I stood outside Specsavers looking at the Café, tears burning down my cheeks, wishing I had a little button to zap me home! I turned toward the bus stop and cried big fat tears all the way to catch the bus, bumping into people, tripping over my shopping and getting tutted at. I phoned my sister from the bus after I had regained my composure, told her what had happened and that I had a letter to drop off at the doctors, so I got off the bus when it reached my Mums house and my sister took me to the Doctors, all I wanted was to go home and feel sorry for myself, but the sister had other plans and off we went into Letchworth where we did a little shopping then very craftily she dropped me home when she knew my girls and partner would be home. I was all over the place, one minute I was in floods of tears the next getting on with tea! throughout the evening I started to get messages from my friends which were really supportive, and gradually the grey cloud started to lift and I began to feel positive again. There were so many questions, what can the hospital do? when will my days go dark? Should I give up work? If there is one thing I have learnt over the years its, whatever the problem, never ever make rash decisions, go to bed, tomorrow is another day, when the crying is all done I knew I would be thinking more clearly as I have just said to my friend, life kicks you in the teeth sometimes, but its about what happens when you are down, if you are as lucky as me, you have some wonderful and supportive people around it easy to get back up, not everyone is as lucky as me x