long overdue blog

 So....it seems I am a total failure in the world of blogging!!
But honestly, if I could tell you the nightmare the last six weeks have been, you'd be phoning EastEnders to give them a new story line!
As it is I cant tell you about it, sorry!, but its been one of those times when you are reminded that life is so very delicate, and although there are still tough times ahead life could be so very different.
Its taken me a while to pull me and my family up, but I think we are winning...well I hope we are!!
During the last six weeks I have put myself in situations that I promised myself I wouldn't. One of those times was a couple of weeks ago, we had all had a particularly bad morning, the weather was shocking but we had to go to town, My eldest drove me, my youngest and my Mum into Hitchin and we parked at Waitrose. I tell you, it was one of those days when everything you touch you knock, drop or loose.
When you are in the safety of your own home you can just about cope with days like this, but when mixing with the unforgiving general public the day becomes overwhelming. We walked to Wilkinson's where I realised I had left my shopping list at home and stood in the 'back to school 'isle with kids and adults whizzing around me wondering what the hell I had gone in there for. So I left my fam in the shop and went to the chemist next door to drop off a prescription, i told them I would return for the prescription in about 15 minutes. and went to find the others in Wilko, after 20 minutes of wondering up and down the isles, bumping into people and tripping over children, I found them. We then wondered up to New Look so I could pay my store card bill. There I stood at the till trying to pay the bill with my bus pass!! By now I was starting to feel lightheaded and anxious, so we walked back to Waitrose, grabbed a basket and headed in (through the door like you do) then I realised Alice wasn't behind me and had gone off to the cash machine, which is just by the door. So I turned around and called to her to let her know where I was going, as I turned back a man had started to come out of the door, I literally came nose to nose with him and my basket got squashed in-between our knees and his shopping, no words were exchanged as he scowled and pushed me into the doors, wedging me and my empty basket in the door, he then pushed past and continued out of the shop. My daughter had witnessed the incident and had run back in to the shop yelling at the bloke to stop squashing her Mummy....actually that's not what she was yelling at all, my 19 years old, quiet, friendly and always polite was yelling... WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!!! he ignored her too!
By the time I had untangled myself from the doors, the man had gone and my daughter was at my arm taking my basket, but I could feel my whole being shrink, my confidence, everything that makes me..me, had disappeared and all I wanted to do was run away. I tried to do my shopping but as the list was still at home I brought cake and crisps and went home. The second I walked through my front door, I remembered I hadn't been back for the bloody prescription, so I gave up, had a hot bath, put my PJ's on and went to bed. Unfortunately the following day I just couldn't go out, I was happy around the house and walked Ralph to the top of the road and back. I find it astounding that one persons actions can have such a profound effect on another's. I so wish I could have just forgotten it, but the mans face and the smell of his breath was all I could think about. 
My youngest daughter reminded me that If I had my cane the bloke might have been a little kinder! Don't you just hate it when you kids are more sensible than you!
On top of everything else I am still struggling with the problem in my bowel, eating the 'right' foods is literally a mine field, I feel uncomfortable and exhausted all the time, I have two visits to the hospital in a fortnight so hopefully I will know more by then and I have my fingers and toes crossed that I will start to feel better, because I am fed up with it. Today I decided (After going out for a curry last night, and feeling dreadful ill after) to start a food diary and to start totally avoiding food that upset me, even if that means staying away from my favourites...nuts, fruit, veg, olives and brown or seeded bread....so wish me luck and I will speak to you all really soon xx