As I was standing at the kitchen window gazing out at my overgrown garden, Ralph came and pressed his nose against my leg, I gave him a fuss and told him we were going for a walk. I ran upstairs and chucked on my dog walking attire and came running back down the stairs, noticing very briefly my reflection in the mirror, I stopped realising that I have seen better dressed tramps, I wondered if I should change but Ralph was sitting by the front door, so I thought bugger it, and put my wellies on and off we went. As we walked....I thought....I did a lot of thinking and before I knew it two hours had passed and we had walked the best part of ten miles.
My mood had begun to morph into something less self destructive and I begun to notice my surroundings...I know that might sound odd, but you know when you are in a shitty mood you don't really notice anything around you, many times I have stomped through the countryside in such a foul mood that I could have been walking down a motorway!! Sometimes you have to force yourself to stop and weigh up what's really important. Ralph led the way and I followed, trying to empty my brain of all negativity, and it worked I soon realised I was chatting away to Ralph about the size of crows and why some dogs just don't want to be friends with him, he trotted along beside me looking up at me every now and then with a look that said...WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ON ABOUT WOMAN, I AM A BLOODY DOG, ALL I CARE ABOUT IS WHEN YOU ARE GOING TO PUT YOUR HAND IN YOUR POCKET AND PULL OUT ANOTHER TASTY TREAT...by the time we got home my mood had lifted and we were both shattered, Ralph of course found the sofa and curled up like a pretzel and slept all afternoon while I had a bath, nipped to the post office, cleaned up the kitchen (again) made lunch and a coffee cake, oh and cleaned up the kitchen, put some washing on the line then twenty minutes later had to get it back in again as I could hear rain on the conservatory roof, but now I feel relaxed again. I don't want anyone to think that I am putting down needing a little help with getting through this difficult time, my difficult time isn't a patch on what some people go through and we are all different, we all cope with the shit life throws at us differently, I was lucky today that the exercise did improve my mood, and I know that exercise helps..bla, bla, bla. But the truth is, if I hadn't have had Ralph, I wouldn't have gone out, therefore the mood would have got darker, not everyone is as lucky as I am, and tomorrow I will discuss with my Doctor about having something to get me through, and I will not see it as a failure, I will see it as acceptance that some days are just harder than others, and that in a perfect world we could all just snap the lead on the dog and walk in the sunshine around the beautiful countryside or pick up the phone and there will be someone on the other line who has got nothing better to do than listen to the wining and moaning of a 45 year old woman who got out of bed the wrong side, I know in comparison to some people, what is happening to me is massive, BUT it isn't, life could be a whole lot worse...and whatever happens, I will still be me, I wont let it win, although I am realistic and now understand that making sight loss secondary might need a little tweeking as I now understand the need for a 'balance', to keep me safe, make life easier, let others see and understand me. I am now going to join Ralph and have a quick afternoon nap, I leave you with a photo of a beautiful flower we found on our walk this morning...well, I thought it was beautiful, I have no idea what it is and Ralph found it excellent to pee up..
Speak soon x
And a snoozing boy....
No comments:
Post a Comment