Greece

Hello Everyone!!!
I hope you are all well? 
Well, I truly don't know where the last week has gone, our holiday to Greece already seems a life time ago, and despite all the little disasters we had along the way I managed to spend some time relaxing and pondering......Pondering is something I actually did a lot of, and people watching, nothing better than sitting on a sunbed with sunglasses on and people watching. When we arrived the hotel had put my girls in a lovely room on the first floor, but had put me down in the dungeons in a room that smelt terrible, had no natural light, the mattress on the bed was so thin the springs were jabbing out, the room was just nasty. The corridor leading to the room was dark and the stair case leading down to the corridor was a beautiful white marble, just great for someone who cant see very well.
This lead to a very pissed off other half whose calm chat did the trick and we were moved to a room that was perfect, brightly lit corridors, a working shower, and a balcony over looking the swimming pool, by the end of day two we were all finally in holiday mode. Anyway, back to pondering and people watching. I am not really sure I (or anyone) can say this out loud these days but, watching children play is better than television, They are hilarious, they see everything in black and white and their imagination is incredible. 
There was this little boy who has chocolate coloured skin and the bluest eyes, a really beautiful child who will be a complete heart breaker as he grows up, but right now at the grand old age of about 18 months I recon, he was most entertaining and had everyone running around after him....then there was two little sisters, the youngest of the two was nothing more than a spoilt brat, she had decided that one of the inflatables (and there were loads of inflatables) belonged to her, and she was having it no matter what or who was in her way, she spent most of the day screeching that she MUST have it, it was kind of comforting that everyone else around the pool was fed up with her too.
The sun bed fight was also a very entertaining part of my day, and I soon discovered that in order to get a sunbed you had to go down to the pool at 5.45am in your PJ's with your towels, and 'save' your beds, I say 'save' because if you weren't careful people just folded up your towel and hid it behind the wall!!
So, as soon as I was back in my room after saving my sunbeds, I sat on the balcony and watched as people scurried around moving sunbeds and towels (other peoples towels) so they had got the best position for all day sunbathing.  I began wondering if people actually set their alarms to go and put their towels on beds, the pool wasn't open until 8am, but some people became really obsessed over what they considered, their sunbeds, and if someone beat them too it they had the arse for the rest of the day, this then caused the little evil devil I have inside me to try and poach other peoples sunbeds just because I found it funny to hear the mumbles of disgust that someone had dared to get their favourite beds before they did.

Our room was on the second floor, second room in from the right, the one with the door open, perfect viewing point!

The hotel was on top of a small but steep hill, Zante is one of the most beautiful islands I have ever been on, the residents are so very friendly, and the food is amazing. Their way of life is something many people can only dream of, I don't remember seeing one police car or any sign of trouble at all. Everyone is so relaxed, no one is in a rush or chasing some sort of ridiculous schedule, what doesn't get done today will still be there tomorrow kind of attitude. It got me pondering about life at home, all our racing around, our incessant need to follow rules and regulations, and our rudeness. As British people I think we are quite a rude bunch and I did notice a few times the way that a British person spoke to or ignored a Greek person and it made me feel embarrassed to be British, not everyone was like that, there is always going to be a few idiots that tarnish peoples images of what people from other countries should be and act like.

These two photos were taken at the bottom of the hill on the walk into town, we found a couple of wonderful restaurants and the most amazing gift shop ever 

Every holiday I book they always ask if I need extra help, and I always say no as I feel that my family are with me and they will help me to the right places at the right times BUT Luton airport at 4 o'clock in the morning was nothing more than carnage! weaving up and down the sectioned areas was a bloody nightmare, I used my white cane but the volume of people moving was just too much and made me feel dizzy. A couple of times I felt eyes watching me and could feel their wearers wanting to ask me if I needed help but not daring too in case they offend! The next holiday I book I will definitely ask for help, not only for me but for my family, they spent most of the time worrying about me, checking that I wasn't bumping into people or tripping or falling on steps that I hadn't seen, or on suitcases, even people sitting on the floor were a hazard that I hadn't seen.

So, after the pain of last week, I only had a couple of times when I felt unwell, I managed to eat and drink  sensibly and am looking forward to the endoscopy in September (NOT). I found a photo of me and my daughter at our friends wedding, you would never have believed how much pain I was in....

Well, Ralph is nagging me to take him for a walk so I will leave you with a lovely photo of the beach near our hotel.

xx

Back fired blog

Hi Everyone,
Well, it seems that my positive attitude and the promise to blog more often back fired on me already!
Last weekend, I started to feel unwell, to be honest, I haven't felt right for months, groggy, tired and cranky all the time, and as I said in the last blog I blamed it on pace of life and setting my expectations to high....seems this was a load of old balls, as not feeling well rapidly turned in to feeling like shit, which by last Saturday night had turned into an uncomfortable ache in my stomach. Constipation...off I drag myself around to the local corner shop and buy a big pot of Andrews liver salts....that will do the trick. After diluting and drinking most of the tub by Sunday night with no change a little alarm bell began to do its thing in the darkest dustiest part of my brain....BUT I have a wedding to attend on Monday AND my Mums Birthday on Tuesday...so as usual, true to form I ignored it. Ignore is a bit of a fib, as I couldn't ignore the pain that had moved from the top of my stomach to the lower right. I was now mixing painkillers and Andrews (see, I know how to party!) but neither were giving me any relief, so I smiled and chatted my way through the wedding (Which was beautiful by the way) and, well, I am not really sure how I got through the Tuesday which was Mums Birthday, I remember sitting in Nandos wondering if the sick feeling was because, i was hungry, I had taken too much Andrews or because there was something wrong with me. 
Wednesday morning when I tried to get out of bed my body wouldn't work, I was having trouble breathing and the pain in my stomach was a complete bitch, dare I say, worse than labour pains!
A appointment with my doctor got him in a panic and he phoned straight through to Lister hospital, where over the phone they thought my appendix had burst.
So I was whizzed to A&E, where I was whizzed elsewhere, from there things slowed down and the blood tests, x-rays and CT scans started. I think I was in a unit called ACU, I had a room on my own and although I had my Mum with me I was frightened, the nurses didn't really tell you to much, they kept popping in removing more of my blood then injecting something to prevent blood clots into my stomach whilst pouring painkillers and fluids through a drip attached to a cannula.
There was this old guy in the room beside me who was slightly deaf so he was shouting about all his nitty gritty for all to hear......CAN I AV A FAG? ....no sir, you cant smoke in the hospital......WELL PUSH ME OVA TO THAT WINDOW AND I'LL AV A FAG OUTTA THE WINDOW..... I am sorry sir but no.....WELL CAN SOMEONE PUSH ME OUTSIDE FOR A FAG THEN.....No, we cannot send a member of staff to take you for a cigarette sir.......DO YOU KNOW I FOUGT FOR THIS COUNTRY, AN I AVNT AD A WASH FOR FREEE WEEKS, SO CAN I AV A FAG.......silence for what felt like a long time, I was in so much pain I wanted to push the old sod out of the window myself for a bloody fag....then all I heard was a sigh and the nurse walking away. All afternoon and into the night he moaned about wanting a fag, when he finally fell asleep he began to snore, not a gentle snore, but a great big fat bellowing din....I began to cry. 
Three oclock in the morning the surgeon comes around to tell me my appendix are fine and that there seems to be a problem with my bowel, but to try to get some sleep and there would be further investigations the following day. With the night nurse coming in every 15 minutes to do their checks there was much chance of any sleep. 
The following day I was moved to swift ward, there was definitely more entertainment, the woman in the bed beside me did nothing but moan and groan from the minute so got in the room. When my doctor came round he informed me that I have something called Colitis and I would be having a endoscopy as soon as the present bout had calmed down.
As soon as the doctor had left, I was on my phone googling it, lots of boxes were ticked and I felt quietly reassured. So as they had given my a diagnosis I assumed I was going home so I packed up all my stuff and prepared for home.
But alas, nope, they decided they liked me that much that they wanted to keep me another couple of days.
This did piss me off a bit as I had missed having some of Mums birthday cake, and it was chocolate AND it was from Waitrose, Waitrose make the best cake ever! Still with the cannula attached I went for a little stroll around the ward with my trolley carrying my drugs dripping through the tube, there at the top of the corridor, being admitted was the old guy from the day before. I walked as fast as I could wheel my trolley back to my bed, that's it, there was no way I was going to stop another night with the old guy moaning about wanting a fag and the woman in the other bed winging and going into graphic detail about how she uses a bed pan.
When the doctor came around on Friday Morning I was up and dressed and I informed him that I felt loads better and I was going home, he laughed and walked away, later on he came back with his friend and my notes and after a lot of do's and dont's I was allowed home. Over the last few days I have done a lot of sleeping and not much else. Tomorrow, I go to Greece for a week, so I fully intend to do lots of resting. When I get back, I will try once again to blog more!!
Speak Soon xx

Burying my head in the sand

Hi Everyone,
I feel like I haven't written for weeks, and I am sorry for that, I seem to have been floating around in some sort of bubble, you know when everything starts to pile up on top of you? so you have a choice, collapse, cry and have a complete meltdown or bury your head deep in the sand and plough on until its safe to come out.
So, with my head buried very deep in the sand I ploughed on, but with no sign of life calming down there was only so much I could ignore, in the middle of all the chaos going on above the sand I managed to smash my phone, which then meant I lost communication with the three people who keep me sane through conversation that doesn't revolve around work, the next academic year, whose turn it is to cook dinner, who left a tissue in their jeans when they went to the wash, or why the toilet roll holder has a empty cardboard tube swinging from it. It also meant that I couldn't access my emails as easily, or have those delightful little notifications that constantly ping on your phone to tell you someone has written on Facebook! (see, every cloud has a silver lining!).
On the last day of term, I decided to pull my head out of the sand and face the world, we (as a team of hard arsed teaching assistants) pulled ourselves through a emotional last day, ensuring our students had a lovely day, we took them to a café, we sat in the sun drinking fruit shoots and eating cookies watching people scurrying around the market, and when we had sent them all home, with full bellies and dirty clothes we went to the pub!
I know I have shared with you the struggles of going out with people who I need to learn to trust, but I was determined to go and relax with the people I have worked so closely with for the last three years, we have become a little family, and in September I will have to work on learning to trust a whole new 'family'.
Anyway, my very pregnant Teacher and I got to the pub first and sat outside while the place filled up with employees (and now ex-employees) from our school, 45 minutes later I was on my way home, just enough time to have a nice chatter, a coke and slip away before it all got to much, learning my limitations you see!!
For the rest of the first week of the holidays it has done nothing but pour with rain, this has forced me to sit and think rationally about the amount of pressure I put myself under in the build up to the end of term, some of it couldn't be helped, but most of it I could have done differently and would have prevented the whole sand scenario. Somethings have to stop, and somethings I have to do differently. If I am to get through the next academic year without a meltdown, volunteering for the RNIB has to go on hold, it is unrealistic to think I can work four days, support my girls and my partner, give Ralph all the love and devotion he has become accustomed to, keep a clean house, put decent meals on the table and have some sort of a social life.
Once I had managed to sort all this stuff out in my brain, and make concrete decisions the heavy clouds began to lift, the sand drained out of my ears and the bubble popped.
This has led to me being brave enough to go to a food festival, where I knew there would be lots of people, but I wasn't prepared for the reality of it, loads of noise, music, chatting and laughter, every single food smell you can imagine....and people sitting on the floor!! Not the best combination for someone who has a vision impairment, but nevertheless, Mum instantly linked arms with me and we pushed ourselves into the crowd, but I hated it so, she steered me back out of the crowd straight to Zizzi for tea, Mum, my girls and I stuffed out faces with pasta, and then braved the festival again, this time from a different angel it didn't seem so bad, so we found a place that was selling Crepes and had our pudding.
By now I was feeling on a bit of a role, so I cleared out the loft, gathered a load of stuff we haven't used for ages and took it all to a car boot sale yesterday, we made £130, which was great, but I found it exhausting, watching people walking up and down, and trying to read peoples body language, and then you get the people who are trying to go through your car before you have even parked up! My plans for the rest of Saturday dissolved and a lot of sleeping happened instead. 
Finally and thankfully I am feeling like me again, and I hope to be talking to you all regularly again.
Speak soon, when I can get a new phone, I will start taking photos to share again too xx

Baby Shower

Hello everybody,
I'm back again! Hope you are all doing ok? Time seems to be flying by and if you work in a school, you will understand how ridiculously busy this time of the year is, school trips, sports days, summer shows, Prom nights, leaving do's, that's before we start tidying the classroom, ensuring all the kids stuff is up to date and ready to pass on to their new teachers in September, and then there's the heat we have here at the moment, we don't have Air conditioning in our classroom, and by 10am the room is like a furnace and our group of children are hot. sweaty and grumpy...and the staff feel 50 times worse! 
But, never mind, there is two weeks to go and then six weeks of crazy lazy days....or madly rushing around getting on top of all the things that get neglected on the build up to the holidays because we are to dam knackered to be bothered with anything by the time we get home from school!!
The teacher I have worked with for the last three years, is really very pregnant right now, and will soon be going off onto maternity leave.  A few weeks ago she invited me to her Baby shower at her best friends Mum's house, I said I would go and put it to the back of my mind to deal with nearer the time, well, nearer the time flew along and soon became yesterday.
Still determined to go, I spent most of Friday evening on the loo having what can only be described as nerves! What if I fall over? What if I cant get close enough to someone's face to see if they are smiling at me or not? What if someone tries to talk to me while I am concentrating on adjusting to the environment I have never been in before, what if there is food and I need help identifying what the food is? A buffet is my worst nightmare! I knew I wouldn't be on my own as I know three other ladies who were going, one of which I trust with my life, but she has a baby herself and I cant expect her to watch out for me and her cute little one, one of the other ladies has never seen me out of my safe zone of school and our familiar routines, and the other lady also has a little girl and has just come back to work after maternity leave...ohhh and then there's Mrs Baby bump herself, but as it was a Baby shower for her I kinda thought she might want to be mingling with her family and friends instead of watching to check I hadn't ended up face down in a flower bed!
So, anyway, I spent a lot of time repeating a scene from The Grinch....i'm not going...I cant find anything to wear...yes, I will go because I am a tough chick....NOPE, I am DEFINATELY not GOING...lets sleep on it am see how I feel in the morning.
Saturday morning I found myself feeling much more in control, I didn't need to go to the loo, maybe this was because I was empty, I dunno! but I was frightened to eat just in case. I took Ralph for a long walk, and had a bowl of cereal when I got home, it stayed in, so all good.
Then I kept myself busy until it was time to get ready. My pregnant teacher, one of the other ladies I work with and her little daughter were picking me up, so that already took massive pressure off knowing I could follow them in, find somewhere to sit and stay put. I went for a wee just before they arrived and made a mental note not to drink too much so I wouldn't need the loo while I was there. It was a very beautiful afternoon, the sun shone and we sat in the garden, I tried so hard to style it so no one would know I couldn't see, and I totally would have failed if it hadn't have been for my friends, telling me there were steps on the patio (I literally had no idea there was a step and would have landed in a heap), filling up my lemonade and helping me at the dreaded buffet table, which was actually the most delish and posh buffet table I have ever experienced, and for flanking me while I ate, whether this was intentional or not, there is nothing worse than sitting eating with strangers when you have no idea what you are putting in you mouth! Thank you ladies for not leaving me sitting like a twat, for recognising that I need help, but doing it with dignity. Thank you to our pregnant lady for inviting me and a very special thank you to pregnant ladies Mum, best friend and her Mum (who I don't suppose will ever read this) but thank you anyway it was lovely to meet such kind, friendly and beautiful people.
I cant tell you how much yesterday did, not only for my self esteem and confidence, but for the trust I have in the people around me, which is something I have lost over the years, there aren't many people I trust outside of my family, and I don't mean the every day type of trust, I mean the trust that I wont be single out as the one that has sight loss, trust that I am included but respected as someone who needs to be quietly guided and trust that my friends understand my need to appear 'normal' I hate all that overwhelming sympathy, its demoralising.
You ladies were perfect and I thank you form the very bottom of my heart, I was very tired when I got in, and when I closed my eyes I got the flash backs of the day, which I haven't had for a long time and now realise that's because I haven't pushed myself to go anywhere different for a very long while, yesterday was so much more for me than just a Baby shower, sometimes I find myself wasting time wondering what it must be like to just be able to got to parties and things and not have all these underlying factors to consider, but there is nothing I can do about that so it would seem the best lesson I have learnt this weekend is that there ARE people who care about and will willingly watch out for me, and I need to let go and trust these people more often.
I leave you with a photo of the preside I got at the end of the shower, what a lovely idea...we got cake too, but...I ate it before I could take a photo!!

You plant the seeds and watch them grow, that way the little baby growing is never far from your mind, just a fab idea.

speak soon xx

Ugly Panic

Evening all....hope you are all well.
This weekend has once again make me realise how limited life can be, it doesn't matter how confident and relentless I appear to be, there are just some things I cant do and some situations I just cant be in!
This doesn't mean I wont try, and maybe this is my problem, I know which things I should avoid but I am my own worst enemy and do it anyway!
Friday I knew I had done too much through the week, the sun had been too bright for me even with sunglasses and the heat was exhausting, but in true form I kept on pushing myself to the limit, so this lead to spending most of Friday asleep.
On Saturday I tried to bounce back, and in my mind I set off for a long walk with Ralph, only to arrive back home half and hour later not even realising that I hadn't walked the route I had wanted to. This should have sent alarm bells ringing...but true to form, it didn't, so I set off on a stupid shopping trip to Hitchin.
The bus journey was a fairly standard affair until we got stuck behind a lorry that was stopped in the middle of the road, a traffic jam soon built up and as I sat there, the bus surrounded by traffic, I felt this little lurch in the pit of my stomach and my legs felt odd! sort of, like I needed to run. I closed my eyes and focused on the conversation two lads were having behind me....I say lads, they were chatting about which beer gave you the less gas!! Men, lads, boys..they all have the same conversations!!
Anyway, it did the trick and the feeling soon went away as did the big lorry and all the traffic.
I got off the bus and wondered up to Sainsbury, it was busy but not heaving, so I wondered in and picked up a basket, I don't think I could have taken 20 steps into the shop when the panic kicked in. I hadn't had a panic attack this bad in months.
It was a lot like something out of a film, the whole shop began to spin, everyone's conversations and every single little noise covered me like a weighted blanket, I knew I had to move but my feet were glued to the floor, I knew the exit was behind me and all I had to do was turn and run, but I just couldn't move. I pushed myself to stand in front of one of the fridges at the front of the shop, but people were bashing into me so I started to move further into the shop, I could feel my breathing changing, getting shallower, I tried to force myself to breathe but I couldn't, I just couldn't breathe normally, then the tears came, just little ones mostly because I knew if I let go completely I was going to pass out.
I was stood in front of the apples now, I don't know how I got there, I needed help, I rang my daughter but I couldn't talk my breathing was so shallow and my lungs seemed to have stopped working, I spoke in whispers, trying not to frighten her but craving the need of a distractive conversation. We talked about what to buy for tea, and with her on the other end of the phone talking me around the shop I managed to get the shopping and get through the till. when I was back outside the shop I stood quietly for a few minutes trying to get some sort of rhythm back in to my breath, but it wasn't coming easy and felt more comfortable to hold my breath for long periods. when I got to the bus stop I sat on the bench and tried to force myself to calm down but I had to fight the urge to hold my breathe and I had developed this crazy need to rock my body back and forth on the bench, maybe it kind of a soothing instinct we naturally have, I dunno, either way I was now fighting two urges!
The minute I parked my backside on the bus seat, the whole thing melted away. Is it the safety of the bus? the knowledge that I am on my way home to safety? Why the hell do these things happen? what force is in us that is stronger than our brain? My brain knew it needed to make me breath but something was stopping it, so what is it? and what do I do now? Do I put my hands up and say...that's it I am never going out on my own again just in case a panic attack rears its ugly head? Firstly, that's not practical and secondly and most importantly that's just not my style!
By the time I got home I was completely calm, breathing normally and my brain had started to remember all the things I couldn't bring to the front of my brain when I was standing in the shop.
In the afternoon we were going to a Fete in a school in the next village from us. I was fine as I was with my family, but the minute I couldn't find what I was looking for I could feel the rumble, it stared in my legs again so I tried to get the family to go off and I would wait under a tree, but then we saw what we were looking for and as soon as I had a focus the feelings melted away again. All the time I was stood chatting and watching I was fine, the minute I turned around to face the busy crowd I could feel its ugliness creeping up to swallow me again. I knew it was time to leave, we had taken Ralph with us and he and I had been sat under a shady tree, my daughter had been chatting to a lady and giving her a little help with her stall. I was totally unaware that a lady with a push chair and a little girl had moved under the tree and were sitting slightly behind us, Ralph, however, had noticed, he actually had noticed that the woman had placed her little girls hot dog under the push chair. I was trying so hard to focus on one person instead of the dozens of people moving all around me that I didn't notice Ralph help himself to the hotdog, the woman and the little girl were beyond furious, I offered to buy more but the woman was after some sort of massive compensation hand out and once again the world began to close in on me, so we left, my daughter picked up Ralph and steered me safely around the crowds. Another event that I need to avoid is Fetes or crowded functions, but I like fetes and looking at the stalls, I wanted to buy a ice cream and stroll around enjoying myself, but I cant. This makes me angry, its not fair that something limits someone, I don't want to stand there saying ohhhh noooo we cant go to the fete in case I have a wobble. Of course I know that if my sight wasn't as bad as it is I probably wouldn't be having these attacks of panic so I shouldn't let it stop me. How do you over come these things? I thought I had it mastered, but it seems to come back stronger. Anyway, its time to go and get ready for the week ahead so I leave you with a photo of a hot sausage stealing puppy who tried to make out he was completely innocent of any crime by looking cute all afternoon. Have a good week everyone xx

Talking Lorries

Hi Everyone,
I hope you have all had a good week, we are having some beautiful weather here right now, I love the sun and the heat but its making my eyes tired and the floaters seem bigger and blacker, even with my sun glasses on I am struggling with 'eye ache'!
I must tell you about this thing that I noticed earlier this week, one morning, I think it was Tuesday, I got up later than usual, I recon it was only about half an hour but it meant I took Ralph out for his morning walk later, this then meant that the traffic had already built up and our usual quite quiet walk around the streets was now buzzing with activity, the sun was blinding and it was already a bit too hot for Ralph, so I started to rush so I could get him home.
When I approached the junction in the road I was so busy thinking about which route I could take to get him home fastest that I was only half listening to the buzz of traffic around me, I could hear a lorry but it didn't sound close, so I went to step out, literally just as I moved my foot to leave the pavement, I hear this mechanical voice....This vehicle is turning left....something went PING in my brain, left, which way is left, I put my foot back on the pavement just as this massive lorry swung around the corner, after it had passed I stood there for a few seconds, half of me thinking...wow what a brilliant thing to have on lorries...and the other half thinking...F**k me, that was close!!
I gave myself a bit of a internal telling off for not being more careful crossing the road...there would have been all sorts of trouble if I had got Ralph squashed under a lorry, but the more I think about it, the more I am impressed, obviously it was a fairly new lorry, but wouldn't it be great if more vehicles were fitted with this lovely voice, when there is lots of noise its sometimes hard to single out which one is closest and potentially more important than the million other noises going on around you.
This set a good karma for the rest of the week, and on Thursday evening I went out! I mean I actually went out on a school night! My lovely friends drove down from Suffolk to take me with them to see a show in Letchworth at the new Broadway theatre, so not only was I going out on a school night but I was going somewhere I hadn't been before, the evening went with out a problem, the Letchworth Arcadians put on a concert preforming songs from a range of musicals, I didn't need to see the stage as I had my very own narrative bestie sat beside me, and I must say there were some incredible voices, one lady had a voice I can only describe as sounding like hot chocolate.....warm, smooth and bringing a big smile to your face, another lady, Adele Walker brought tears to my eyes, I have never heard such a wonderful voice, I think its such a shame to walk past this woman in the street and not know how fantastic she sounds, maybe she should sing where ever she goes, such a pleasing voice that needs and deserves listening too.
Well, time to go and get ready for another week, speak soon x

Feeling special

Well, I finally have my laptop back, my daughter has finished her final assessment and it has all been handed in, so hopefully I will be able to chat to you more often.
Its been a strange kind of a week, and the pressure has been on, with my youngest mid way through her GCSE's, and finding all she seems to do is revise, take exams and sleep! and my eldest as I said, finishing her final assessment, passing her driving test, buying a car, finding reasonable priced car insurance, road tax and parking permits...the list goes on, all this as well as dragging myself through a incredibly busy week at work.
By Saturday the stress had taken its toll on my youngest and I woke up to a blubbering mess, so, we had a chat and a cuddle then we got washed and dressed and went to lunch, we spent the whole day together. My youngest isn't one for crowds, so we only went as far as Hitchin, which is half and hour bus ride. We had lunch and then looked around the shops, the sun was out as was my purse, and we splashed out on new make-up.
We were following the flow of people and there was this woman trotting along in front of us with these two small children, without warning, she squats down, seriously its sounds quite funny now, but it was so wired, when I am walking I tend to focus on the person in front of me for guidance I suppose, I do it without realising, so I had focused on this woman, then she literally drops out of my line of vision, for a couple of seconds I had no idea what was happening, I panicked internally, I could feel my brain franticly telling my eyes to look for a new focus, but where did the woman go, my brain was really scrambling, I knew people just don't disappear when they are walking....wait, she had kids....kids are low to the ground...LOOK DOWN FOR GODS SAKE LYNDA!! The woman was literally at my feet, I was still moving, I knew I had to stop because I was either going to kick her in the teeth or go flying over the top of her, she was totally oblivious to the world around her and was happily chatting to her infant while sorting his shoe lace, I have no idea how I missed her, truly no idea!
It all took a matter of seconds and after I had half scooted around and half leapt over this woman, my daughter and I just looked at each other...no words needed!!
After our shopping we decided to go for a swim, no probs right? We went home grabbed our stuff...Saturday afternoon on a hot sunny day...perfect time for a blind woman to go swimming right?
In my small and inferior brain I thought the indoor pool would be empty, cos all the brave swimmers would be outside in the Olympic size pool.....it seems I overestimated the brawn of the British, and there were some brave souls in the out door pool, but the indoor was packed. I stood there, cane in one hand, towel in the other looking at all these people splashing and screaming in the pool and though ...ohhhh F**k, the temptation to turn on my heel and rush back to the changing room was wildly tempting, but I had promised my daughter we were going swimming, so swimming we will go!! Right in the corner of the deep end beside two little boys diving off the side there was a small space, so we headed for the gap, I was literally crapping myself, as we walked past the life guard he lend down and asked if I was OK.
I explained that I was a bit worried, thinking that maybe he would keep a little eye on me just in case...but noooo, don't worry he says, we will open a lane for you...and that was exactly what he did, I had my very own private lane, my daughter and I swam without any pressure it was fab, I was so grateful to Hitchin swimming pool, just to not have to worry about the other people swimming or the noises that distort and confuse the way I cope in the pool, I really enjoyed it and managed 20 strong lengths.
I felt so special, its not about feeling superior or getting preferential treatment, it was truly a wonderful supportive thing, something many people will not understand, I didn't have to be on guard, be fully alert to the goings on around me, that is something truly precious, something that I very rarely am able to do, so thank you again, who would know opening a lane just for me would make me feel so overwhelmed....and I totally made use of it, my legs felt like lead when I got out!!
Well am off to bed, my youngest has 5 more days of exams to go and I have another busy week ahead, so I say goodnight, hope you all have a safe week.
Speak soon xx