I tell you what everyone, I am seriously beginning to wonder if there is some-one somewhere with a little doll in a replica of me and they are shoving pins in me until I cant stand it anymore, until I turn on the news and hear that a bomb has gone off on a tube and there has been a dreadful crash on the M5, suddenly my shitty (shitty literally) time isn't quite up there on the scale of horrendous things that change peoples lives.
As you all know I went off for a Colonoscopy last week, I carefully followed the diet plan and started taking the Moviprep the day before....for anyone who hasn't had to take this stuff, its bloody disgusting, it says that it is lemon flavour, well, I didn't taste any lemon! It smells foul, it tastes foul and what it does to your body is also foul. So you make up your 2 litres of revolting medicine by adding water to the sachets they give you, then you drink the whole 2 litres. I drank 1 the day before and the other the morning of the procedure. Within 15 minutes of taking the first few sips I was on the loo. Any talk of going to work was completely out of the question. Apart from my stomach making terrible noises, there was no warning and a couple of times I found myself sitting on the sofa happily listening to rubbish on the telly and then having to leap up, clutching my backside and doing a strange waddle dance to the loo praying there wasnt anyone in there, and god forbid if I had to run upstairs to use the bathroom. This then led of the inevitable soreness, and oh my gawd was it sore!! Thank goodness for wet wipes, sudocream and talcum powder.
I did start to worry about how I was going to get from my house to the hospital with out needing to stop and releave myself at the side of the road but it seems your body empties its self really quickly and before you know it there is literally nothing left.
We get to the hospital in plenty of time for my 2.30 appointment, and we sit there and watch people walk in and hobble out, it would have been funny if I hadn't have been on the list. As time ticked on it occurred to me that people were going in who had arrived after me and after sitting for over an hour I was sure I had been forgotten, just as my fella was about to question the receptionist the nurse came bustling along full of apologies as the receptionist hadn't booked me in....just you wait receptionist lady, your card is marked!!
So then all the boring stuff happens you get admitted, forms get filled in, the nurse terrifies you with a diagram of how the camera will travel up you bum and around the tubes and how uncomfortable it is and the worst scenarios, thank you for that dear nursey, but all I want to do is get this over with so I can eat....I haven't eaten for TWO days I am bloody starving!!
Next my man gets sent to wait in the family area and I am sent to change into a very attractive pair of blue paper shorts with a delightful hole in the back for easy access! The nurse kept reminding me to ensure the hole was at the back...Like I am going to make that mistake, I hardly want a camera shoved up the front passages now do I?
There I am looking all glam in my blue shorts and my fetching gown that ties up at the back, and he only two things I can think about are food and how much of my arse can people see through these shorts!
Once I had the cannula fitted there was no going back, and before I knew it the doctor was asking me to lay on my left side and a nurse was syringing something into the cannula. And that was that! The next thing I remember was waking up in recovery and feeling like I was on cloud nine. The nurse was asking me if I would like a cheese sandwich or biscuits....stupid woman! As I sat there with a massive tin of biscuits another nurse came round to tell me that my tubes were fine but they had taken a biopsy or two and the results of these would take about eight weeks.....who cares!! I have the biggest tin of biscuits in the world.
Then I was sent home, that's when the problems started, I had noticed a big black floater had appeared in my 'good' eye a week or so ago but I put it down to all the stress we have been under, and the effects of the sedation seemed to have made it worse, and I just seem to be taking a long while to get back to being me. The hospital had already told me that I shouldn't go to work Friday, so I stayed at home and struggled to remember which things go in which cupboards and how to spell words that I usually don't think twice about. Saturday I went to Pinehill hospital as per instructed for my follow up appointment only to find the computer system was down and the doctor couldn't look at my notes, so go away and we will send you another appointment when we have the results of the biopsy.
This upset me a bit, one, because he was cranky with me, and two, because its a hell of a walk back into town where I was going to catch the bus home.
So off I stomp, as I walked I noticed that the black floater was blacker and I had started to get little flashes of light at the top of my eye.
I stood in the middle of Hitchin town centre wanting to cry, so I rang my Daughter we had a casual chat which calmed me and I wondered up to Sainsbury where she said she would collect me as soon as she had finished work. (seriously, if you could see how bad it is to type words correctly right now you wouldn't understand what I was writing)
Anyway, to cut a long story shorter, I ended up later that day back in Hitchin with a emergency appointment at Specsavers, they checked my eyes thoroughly but decided I should go to Moorfields where they could check better.
So there I stand at 5.30 on a Saturday afternoon outside Specsavers in the pouring rain weighing up my options. I could go flying off into London and sit in Moorfields A&E for the next few hours, or I could go home and see if can could sleep it off!!
Sounds daft but, I think the trauma from the sedation and the fact that I am pretty sure I am dehydrated AND i am just bloody knackered has put pressure on and its a warning sign to stop and rest for a bit. So with a promise to go to Moorfields with my letter from the ophthalmologist if things get worse, and to go to the Doctors first thing Monday and get some rest, I went home.
Today, my head still isn't working properly and my co-ordination is completely out, the black floater is still there but the flashing light seems to have stopped, I want to take Ralph for a walk but if you could see how long it has taken me to write this blog you will understand that the best place for me is on the sofa today.
I apologise for any spelling mistakes or if parts don't make any sense, I am hoping its a temporary glitch.
Speak Soon xx
Sunday, 17 September 2017
Saturday, 9 September 2017
Respressing memories
well, I certainly wasn't ready for last week! After six weeks summer holiday, returning to work was hard. In fact it gets harder every year and this was by far the toughest.
Today was the first chance I have really had to think about where last week has gone, today was also the first chance I have had to take Ralph for a good long walk, I walk him for about half an hour in the mornings before I go to work, while it is light enough I try to walk him in the evenings, but the weather has been so miserable if I took him over the fields he and I would be covered in mud and soaked to the skin, but this morning the sun was shining and although everywhere was still soggy, he and I went for a good long walk over the fields and far far away!!
This gave us plenty of time to think....he seemed to be thinking about seeing if he could get away with eating another dogs poo and how many sticks he could wee up against, while I was thinking slightly more deeply.
The first two days back at school were teacher training days...for me they are terrifying, exhausting and overwhelming. Our school employ a lot of staff, and four or five times a year they are all crammed into a small hall, for many people its a fab time to chat to colleagues that they haven't seen in a while. This time we all met up in the hall and then some of us were sent elsewhere for different training.
Usually I manage to blend in, but horrifyingly there wasn't much chance of that this time.
Lists were put up on the board at the main entrance advising staff where they needed to be, so you find your name and then it tells you which meetings and training those at the top would like you to attend. Only my name wasn't big enough for me to read, and with half the work force crowded around the board I had to pick someone to look for my name and read my instructions out to me, not only is this humiliating and embarrassing, but as the buzz of everyone chatting starts to get to me, the smells of a freshly cleaned school and my full attention on holding it together and not bursting into tears...the information that was read out went in one ear and straight out of the other, not even stopping in my brain for a second for me to digest it!
So I latch on to my friends who help me find a seat and check I am ok. I sit beside my friend, the noise in the hall of everyone talking at the same time is deafening and disorientating, I cant hear what my friend is saying because my brain is screaming and something is telling me to run away, but then the meeting starts and everyone falls silent....perfect, I can feel my heart beat slowing and my muscles are less tense...and then there are those dreaded words......SO YOU CAN TALK ABOUT IT BETWEEN YOURSELVES FOR A FEW MINUTES......and suddenly I am swamped by noise again, I know that I have moved to perch on the front of the seat of my chair and I am franticly looking around for a way out of this din, I felt like someone had thrown a massive weighted blanket over my head and had parked me in the middle of a football stadium...if I stayed still I couldn't breath but if I tried to move I wouldn't be able too see where I was going and no-one would hear me shout over the noise.
This was a bit of a pattern for the first two days and I don't think I have ever felt so alone and different.
So, during my walk this morning I tried to figure it out, I hadn't been able to repress the memory at all so that makes me think that I have to work harder or deal with it, so I tried to deal with it. At first I had a few selfish tears and did the whole...what's the point?, no-body cares, no-one understands, I am the only person in the WHOLE world who has a hard time!!!......then I pulled myself together and when I started to replay in my mind the experiences of those two days, there were actually people who looked out for me, there were people who found a quiet five minutes to have a chat and there were people who understood what I was going through. Maybe there is a reason I couldn't repress the memory, maybe I am not supposed to! By the time I had come to this conclusion, we had already crossed the bridge over the river and were heading towards the train bridge, I realised that I hadn't noticed the bridge over the river, and I couldn't tell you if the fields full of hay had been cut and bailed yet. This really did upset me, those two days had been so important to me that I had missed what was in front of me, I had missed making new memories, I am not sure I had spoken two words to Ralph, except....NOOOO don't you dare eat that poo!!. When I got to the top of the train bridge I stopped and leaned on the railings, we were very high up and the wind was so strong it was making my ears ache, I purposefully paid attention to all the noises around me and the smells in the air, I looked down at Ralph and he was sitting beside me with his nose through the railings, he looked so funny trying to copy me, i ruffled his coat and we ran along the bridge to the other set of steps, Ralph loved it, it was so windy and I felt like a kid!!.....when I reached the bottom of the steps I had to smile as I realised I had just made a memory, its so easy to make happy memories, maybe sometimes the bad memories stay in our heads to remind us to make good ones!!
I am not sure about the kind of memories that will be made next week as I trundle off for a colonoscopy, but at least I will get a answer to the constant ache in my belly and as to why I don't seem to be able to eat many food anymore without rushing to the loo twenty minutes later, I miss my favourite foods... fruit, nuts and veg. So fingers crossed for Thursday, and lets hope it is a memory I can repress easily.
Speak soon xx
Today was the first chance I have really had to think about where last week has gone, today was also the first chance I have had to take Ralph for a good long walk, I walk him for about half an hour in the mornings before I go to work, while it is light enough I try to walk him in the evenings, but the weather has been so miserable if I took him over the fields he and I would be covered in mud and soaked to the skin, but this morning the sun was shining and although everywhere was still soggy, he and I went for a good long walk over the fields and far far away!!
This gave us plenty of time to think....he seemed to be thinking about seeing if he could get away with eating another dogs poo and how many sticks he could wee up against, while I was thinking slightly more deeply.
The first two days back at school were teacher training days...for me they are terrifying, exhausting and overwhelming. Our school employ a lot of staff, and four or five times a year they are all crammed into a small hall, for many people its a fab time to chat to colleagues that they haven't seen in a while. This time we all met up in the hall and then some of us were sent elsewhere for different training.
Usually I manage to blend in, but horrifyingly there wasn't much chance of that this time.
Lists were put up on the board at the main entrance advising staff where they needed to be, so you find your name and then it tells you which meetings and training those at the top would like you to attend. Only my name wasn't big enough for me to read, and with half the work force crowded around the board I had to pick someone to look for my name and read my instructions out to me, not only is this humiliating and embarrassing, but as the buzz of everyone chatting starts to get to me, the smells of a freshly cleaned school and my full attention on holding it together and not bursting into tears...the information that was read out went in one ear and straight out of the other, not even stopping in my brain for a second for me to digest it!
So I latch on to my friends who help me find a seat and check I am ok. I sit beside my friend, the noise in the hall of everyone talking at the same time is deafening and disorientating, I cant hear what my friend is saying because my brain is screaming and something is telling me to run away, but then the meeting starts and everyone falls silent....perfect, I can feel my heart beat slowing and my muscles are less tense...and then there are those dreaded words......SO YOU CAN TALK ABOUT IT BETWEEN YOURSELVES FOR A FEW MINUTES......and suddenly I am swamped by noise again, I know that I have moved to perch on the front of the seat of my chair and I am franticly looking around for a way out of this din, I felt like someone had thrown a massive weighted blanket over my head and had parked me in the middle of a football stadium...if I stayed still I couldn't breath but if I tried to move I wouldn't be able too see where I was going and no-one would hear me shout over the noise.
This was a bit of a pattern for the first two days and I don't think I have ever felt so alone and different.
So, during my walk this morning I tried to figure it out, I hadn't been able to repress the memory at all so that makes me think that I have to work harder or deal with it, so I tried to deal with it. At first I had a few selfish tears and did the whole...what's the point?, no-body cares, no-one understands, I am the only person in the WHOLE world who has a hard time!!!......then I pulled myself together and when I started to replay in my mind the experiences of those two days, there were actually people who looked out for me, there were people who found a quiet five minutes to have a chat and there were people who understood what I was going through. Maybe there is a reason I couldn't repress the memory, maybe I am not supposed to! By the time I had come to this conclusion, we had already crossed the bridge over the river and were heading towards the train bridge, I realised that I hadn't noticed the bridge over the river, and I couldn't tell you if the fields full of hay had been cut and bailed yet. This really did upset me, those two days had been so important to me that I had missed what was in front of me, I had missed making new memories, I am not sure I had spoken two words to Ralph, except....NOOOO don't you dare eat that poo!!. When I got to the top of the train bridge I stopped and leaned on the railings, we were very high up and the wind was so strong it was making my ears ache, I purposefully paid attention to all the noises around me and the smells in the air, I looked down at Ralph and he was sitting beside me with his nose through the railings, he looked so funny trying to copy me, i ruffled his coat and we ran along the bridge to the other set of steps, Ralph loved it, it was so windy and I felt like a kid!!.....when I reached the bottom of the steps I had to smile as I realised I had just made a memory, its so easy to make happy memories, maybe sometimes the bad memories stay in our heads to remind us to make good ones!!
I am not sure about the kind of memories that will be made next week as I trundle off for a colonoscopy, but at least I will get a answer to the constant ache in my belly and as to why I don't seem to be able to eat many food anymore without rushing to the loo twenty minutes later, I miss my favourite foods... fruit, nuts and veg. So fingers crossed for Thursday, and lets hope it is a memory I can repress easily.
Speak soon xx
Thursday, 31 August 2017
long overdue blog
So....it seems I am a total failure in the world of blogging!!
But honestly, if I could tell you the nightmare the last six weeks have been, you'd be phoning EastEnders to give them a new story line!
As it is I cant tell you about it, sorry!, but its been one of those times when you are reminded that life is so very delicate, and although there are still tough times ahead life could be so very different.
Its taken me a while to pull me and my family up, but I think we are winning...well I hope we are!!
During the last six weeks I have put myself in situations that I promised myself I wouldn't. One of those times was a couple of weeks ago, we had all had a particularly bad morning, the weather was shocking but we had to go to town, My eldest drove me, my youngest and my Mum into Hitchin and we parked at Waitrose. I tell you, it was one of those days when everything you touch you knock, drop or loose.
When you are in the safety of your own home you can just about cope with days like this, but when mixing with the unforgiving general public the day becomes overwhelming. We walked to Wilkinson's where I realised I had left my shopping list at home and stood in the 'back to school 'isle with kids and adults whizzing around me wondering what the hell I had gone in there for. So I left my fam in the shop and went to the chemist next door to drop off a prescription, i told them I would return for the prescription in about 15 minutes. and went to find the others in Wilko, after 20 minutes of wondering up and down the isles, bumping into people and tripping over children, I found them. We then wondered up to New Look so I could pay my store card bill. There I stood at the till trying to pay the bill with my bus pass!! By now I was starting to feel lightheaded and anxious, so we walked back to Waitrose, grabbed a basket and headed in (through the door like you do) then I realised Alice wasn't behind me and had gone off to the cash machine, which is just by the door. So I turned around and called to her to let her know where I was going, as I turned back a man had started to come out of the door, I literally came nose to nose with him and my basket got squashed in-between our knees and his shopping, no words were exchanged as he scowled and pushed me into the doors, wedging me and my empty basket in the door, he then pushed past and continued out of the shop. My daughter had witnessed the incident and had run back in to the shop yelling at the bloke to stop squashing her Mummy....actually that's not what she was yelling at all, my 19 years old, quiet, friendly and always polite was yelling... WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!!! he ignored her too!
By the time I had untangled myself from the doors, the man had gone and my daughter was at my arm taking my basket, but I could feel my whole being shrink, my confidence, everything that makes me..me, had disappeared and all I wanted to do was run away. I tried to do my shopping but as the list was still at home I brought cake and crisps and went home. The second I walked through my front door, I remembered I hadn't been back for the bloody prescription, so I gave up, had a hot bath, put my PJ's on and went to bed. Unfortunately the following day I just couldn't go out, I was happy around the house and walked Ralph to the top of the road and back. I find it astounding that one persons actions can have such a profound effect on another's. I so wish I could have just forgotten it, but the mans face and the smell of his breath was all I could think about.
My youngest daughter reminded me that If I had my cane the bloke might have been a little kinder! Don't you just hate it when you kids are more sensible than you!
On top of everything else I am still struggling with the problem in my bowel, eating the 'right' foods is literally a mine field, I feel uncomfortable and exhausted all the time, I have two visits to the hospital in a fortnight so hopefully I will know more by then and I have my fingers and toes crossed that I will start to feel better, because I am fed up with it. Today I decided (After going out for a curry last night, and feeling dreadful ill after) to start a food diary and to start totally avoiding food that upset me, even if that means staying away from my favourites...nuts, fruit, veg, olives and brown or seeded bread....so wish me luck and I will speak to you all really soon xx
But honestly, if I could tell you the nightmare the last six weeks have been, you'd be phoning EastEnders to give them a new story line!
As it is I cant tell you about it, sorry!, but its been one of those times when you are reminded that life is so very delicate, and although there are still tough times ahead life could be so very different.
Its taken me a while to pull me and my family up, but I think we are winning...well I hope we are!!
During the last six weeks I have put myself in situations that I promised myself I wouldn't. One of those times was a couple of weeks ago, we had all had a particularly bad morning, the weather was shocking but we had to go to town, My eldest drove me, my youngest and my Mum into Hitchin and we parked at Waitrose. I tell you, it was one of those days when everything you touch you knock, drop or loose.
When you are in the safety of your own home you can just about cope with days like this, but when mixing with the unforgiving general public the day becomes overwhelming. We walked to Wilkinson's where I realised I had left my shopping list at home and stood in the 'back to school 'isle with kids and adults whizzing around me wondering what the hell I had gone in there for. So I left my fam in the shop and went to the chemist next door to drop off a prescription, i told them I would return for the prescription in about 15 minutes. and went to find the others in Wilko, after 20 minutes of wondering up and down the isles, bumping into people and tripping over children, I found them. We then wondered up to New Look so I could pay my store card bill. There I stood at the till trying to pay the bill with my bus pass!! By now I was starting to feel lightheaded and anxious, so we walked back to Waitrose, grabbed a basket and headed in (through the door like you do) then I realised Alice wasn't behind me and had gone off to the cash machine, which is just by the door. So I turned around and called to her to let her know where I was going, as I turned back a man had started to come out of the door, I literally came nose to nose with him and my basket got squashed in-between our knees and his shopping, no words were exchanged as he scowled and pushed me into the doors, wedging me and my empty basket in the door, he then pushed past and continued out of the shop. My daughter had witnessed the incident and had run back in to the shop yelling at the bloke to stop squashing her Mummy....actually that's not what she was yelling at all, my 19 years old, quiet, friendly and always polite was yelling... WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!!! he ignored her too!
By the time I had untangled myself from the doors, the man had gone and my daughter was at my arm taking my basket, but I could feel my whole being shrink, my confidence, everything that makes me..me, had disappeared and all I wanted to do was run away. I tried to do my shopping but as the list was still at home I brought cake and crisps and went home. The second I walked through my front door, I remembered I hadn't been back for the bloody prescription, so I gave up, had a hot bath, put my PJ's on and went to bed. Unfortunately the following day I just couldn't go out, I was happy around the house and walked Ralph to the top of the road and back. I find it astounding that one persons actions can have such a profound effect on another's. I so wish I could have just forgotten it, but the mans face and the smell of his breath was all I could think about.
My youngest daughter reminded me that If I had my cane the bloke might have been a little kinder! Don't you just hate it when you kids are more sensible than you!
On top of everything else I am still struggling with the problem in my bowel, eating the 'right' foods is literally a mine field, I feel uncomfortable and exhausted all the time, I have two visits to the hospital in a fortnight so hopefully I will know more by then and I have my fingers and toes crossed that I will start to feel better, because I am fed up with it. Today I decided (After going out for a curry last night, and feeling dreadful ill after) to start a food diary and to start totally avoiding food that upset me, even if that means staying away from my favourites...nuts, fruit, veg, olives and brown or seeded bread....so wish me luck and I will speak to you all really soon xx
Friday, 18 August 2017
Greece
I hope you are all well?
Well, I truly don't know where the last week has gone, our holiday to Greece already seems a life time ago, and despite all the little disasters we had along the way I managed to spend some time relaxing and pondering......Pondering is something I actually did a lot of, and people watching, nothing better than sitting on a sunbed with sunglasses on and people watching. When we arrived the hotel had put my girls in a lovely room on the first floor, but had put me down in the dungeons in a room that smelt terrible, had no natural light, the mattress on the bed was so thin the springs were jabbing out, the room was just nasty. The corridor leading to the room was dark and the stair case leading down to the corridor was a beautiful white marble, just great for someone who cant see very well.
This lead to a very pissed off other half whose calm chat did the trick and we were moved to a room that was perfect, brightly lit corridors, a working shower, and a balcony over looking the swimming pool, by the end of day two we were all finally in holiday mode. Anyway, back to pondering and people watching. I am not really sure I (or anyone) can say this out loud these days but, watching children play is better than television, They are hilarious, they see everything in black and white and their imagination is incredible.
There was this little boy who has chocolate coloured skin and the bluest eyes, a really beautiful child who will be a complete heart breaker as he grows up, but right now at the grand old age of about 18 months I recon, he was most entertaining and had everyone running around after him....then there was two little sisters, the youngest of the two was nothing more than a spoilt brat, she had decided that one of the inflatables (and there were loads of inflatables) belonged to her, and she was having it no matter what or who was in her way, she spent most of the day screeching that she MUST have it, it was kind of comforting that everyone else around the pool was fed up with her too.
The sun bed fight was also a very entertaining part of my day, and I soon discovered that in order to get a sunbed you had to go down to the pool at 5.45am in your PJ's with your towels, and 'save' your beds, I say 'save' because if you weren't careful people just folded up your towel and hid it behind the wall!!
So, as soon as I was back in my room after saving my sunbeds, I sat on the balcony and watched as people scurried around moving sunbeds and towels (other peoples towels) so they had got the best position for all day sunbathing. I began wondering if people actually set their alarms to go and put their towels on beds, the pool wasn't open until 8am, but some people became really obsessed over what they considered, their sunbeds, and if someone beat them too it they had the arse for the rest of the day, this then caused the little evil devil I have inside me to try and poach other peoples sunbeds just because I found it funny to hear the mumbles of disgust that someone had dared to get their favourite beds before they did.
Our room was on the second floor, second room in from the right, the one with the door open, perfect viewing point!
The hotel was on top of a small but steep hill, Zante is one of the most beautiful islands I have ever been on, the residents are so very friendly, and the food is amazing. Their way of life is something many people can only dream of, I don't remember seeing one police car or any sign of trouble at all. Everyone is so relaxed, no one is in a rush or chasing some sort of ridiculous schedule, what doesn't get done today will still be there tomorrow kind of attitude. It got me pondering about life at home, all our racing around, our incessant need to follow rules and regulations, and our rudeness. As British people I think we are quite a rude bunch and I did notice a few times the way that a British person spoke to or ignored a Greek person and it made me feel embarrassed to be British, not everyone was like that, there is always going to be a few idiots that tarnish peoples images of what people from other countries should be and act like.
These two photos were taken at the bottom of the hill on the walk into town, we found a couple of wonderful restaurants and the most amazing gift shop ever
Every holiday I book they always ask if I need extra help, and I always say no as I feel that my family are with me and they will help me to the right places at the right times BUT Luton airport at 4 o'clock in the morning was nothing more than carnage! weaving up and down the sectioned areas was a bloody nightmare, I used my white cane but the volume of people moving was just too much and made me feel dizzy. A couple of times I felt eyes watching me and could feel their wearers wanting to ask me if I needed help but not daring too in case they offend! The next holiday I book I will definitely ask for help, not only for me but for my family, they spent most of the time worrying about me, checking that I wasn't bumping into people or tripping or falling on steps that I hadn't seen, or on suitcases, even people sitting on the floor were a hazard that I hadn't seen.
So, after the pain of last week, I only had a couple of times when I felt unwell, I managed to eat and drink sensibly and am looking forward to the endoscopy in September (NOT). I found a photo of me and my daughter at our friends wedding, you would never have believed how much pain I was in....
Well, Ralph is nagging me to take him for a walk so I will leave you with a lovely photo of the beach near our hotel.
xx
Monday, 7 August 2017
Back fired blog
Hi Everyone,
Well, it seems that my positive attitude and the promise to blog more often back fired on me already!
Last weekend, I started to feel unwell, to be honest, I haven't felt right for months, groggy, tired and cranky all the time, and as I said in the last blog I blamed it on pace of life and setting my expectations to high....seems this was a load of old balls, as not feeling well rapidly turned in to feeling like shit, which by last Saturday night had turned into an uncomfortable ache in my stomach. Constipation...off I drag myself around to the local corner shop and buy a big pot of Andrews liver salts....that will do the trick. After diluting and drinking most of the tub by Sunday night with no change a little alarm bell began to do its thing in the darkest dustiest part of my brain....BUT I have a wedding to attend on Monday AND my Mums Birthday on Tuesday...so as usual, true to form I ignored it. Ignore is a bit of a fib, as I couldn't ignore the pain that had moved from the top of my stomach to the lower right. I was now mixing painkillers and Andrews (see, I know how to party!) but neither were giving me any relief, so I smiled and chatted my way through the wedding (Which was beautiful by the way) and, well, I am not really sure how I got through the Tuesday which was Mums Birthday, I remember sitting in Nandos wondering if the sick feeling was because, i was hungry, I had taken too much Andrews or because there was something wrong with me.
Wednesday morning when I tried to get out of bed my body wouldn't work, I was having trouble breathing and the pain in my stomach was a complete bitch, dare I say, worse than labour pains!
A appointment with my doctor got him in a panic and he phoned straight through to Lister hospital, where over the phone they thought my appendix had burst.
So I was whizzed to A&E, where I was whizzed elsewhere, from there things slowed down and the blood tests, x-rays and CT scans started. I think I was in a unit called ACU, I had a room on my own and although I had my Mum with me I was frightened, the nurses didn't really tell you to much, they kept popping in removing more of my blood then injecting something to prevent blood clots into my stomach whilst pouring painkillers and fluids through a drip attached to a cannula.
There was this old guy in the room beside me who was slightly deaf so he was shouting about all his nitty gritty for all to hear......CAN I AV A FAG? ....no sir, you cant smoke in the hospital......WELL PUSH ME OVA TO THAT WINDOW AND I'LL AV A FAG OUTTA THE WINDOW..... I am sorry sir but no.....WELL CAN SOMEONE PUSH ME OUTSIDE FOR A FAG THEN.....No, we cannot send a member of staff to take you for a cigarette sir.......DO YOU KNOW I FOUGT FOR THIS COUNTRY, AN I AVNT AD A WASH FOR FREEE WEEKS, SO CAN I AV A FAG.......silence for what felt like a long time, I was in so much pain I wanted to push the old sod out of the window myself for a bloody fag....then all I heard was a sigh and the nurse walking away. All afternoon and into the night he moaned about wanting a fag, when he finally fell asleep he began to snore, not a gentle snore, but a great big fat bellowing din....I began to cry.
Three oclock in the morning the surgeon comes around to tell me my appendix are fine and that there seems to be a problem with my bowel, but to try to get some sleep and there would be further investigations the following day. With the night nurse coming in every 15 minutes to do their checks there was much chance of any sleep.
The following day I was moved to swift ward, there was definitely more entertainment, the woman in the bed beside me did nothing but moan and groan from the minute so got in the room. When my doctor came round he informed me that I have something called Colitis and I would be having a endoscopy as soon as the present bout had calmed down.
As soon as the doctor had left, I was on my phone googling it, lots of boxes were ticked and I felt quietly reassured. So as they had given my a diagnosis I assumed I was going home so I packed up all my stuff and prepared for home.
But alas, nope, they decided they liked me that much that they wanted to keep me another couple of days.
This did piss me off a bit as I had missed having some of Mums birthday cake, and it was chocolate AND it was from Waitrose, Waitrose make the best cake ever! Still with the cannula attached I went for a little stroll around the ward with my trolley carrying my drugs dripping through the tube, there at the top of the corridor, being admitted was the old guy from the day before. I walked as fast as I could wheel my trolley back to my bed, that's it, there was no way I was going to stop another night with the old guy moaning about wanting a fag and the woman in the other bed winging and going into graphic detail about how she uses a bed pan.
When the doctor came around on Friday Morning I was up and dressed and I informed him that I felt loads better and I was going home, he laughed and walked away, later on he came back with his friend and my notes and after a lot of do's and dont's I was allowed home. Over the last few days I have done a lot of sleeping and not much else. Tomorrow, I go to Greece for a week, so I fully intend to do lots of resting. When I get back, I will try once again to blog more!!
Speak Soon xx
Well, it seems that my positive attitude and the promise to blog more often back fired on me already!
Last weekend, I started to feel unwell, to be honest, I haven't felt right for months, groggy, tired and cranky all the time, and as I said in the last blog I blamed it on pace of life and setting my expectations to high....seems this was a load of old balls, as not feeling well rapidly turned in to feeling like shit, which by last Saturday night had turned into an uncomfortable ache in my stomach. Constipation...off I drag myself around to the local corner shop and buy a big pot of Andrews liver salts....that will do the trick. After diluting and drinking most of the tub by Sunday night with no change a little alarm bell began to do its thing in the darkest dustiest part of my brain....BUT I have a wedding to attend on Monday AND my Mums Birthday on Tuesday...so as usual, true to form I ignored it. Ignore is a bit of a fib, as I couldn't ignore the pain that had moved from the top of my stomach to the lower right. I was now mixing painkillers and Andrews (see, I know how to party!) but neither were giving me any relief, so I smiled and chatted my way through the wedding (Which was beautiful by the way) and, well, I am not really sure how I got through the Tuesday which was Mums Birthday, I remember sitting in Nandos wondering if the sick feeling was because, i was hungry, I had taken too much Andrews or because there was something wrong with me.
Wednesday morning when I tried to get out of bed my body wouldn't work, I was having trouble breathing and the pain in my stomach was a complete bitch, dare I say, worse than labour pains!
A appointment with my doctor got him in a panic and he phoned straight through to Lister hospital, where over the phone they thought my appendix had burst.
So I was whizzed to A&E, where I was whizzed elsewhere, from there things slowed down and the blood tests, x-rays and CT scans started. I think I was in a unit called ACU, I had a room on my own and although I had my Mum with me I was frightened, the nurses didn't really tell you to much, they kept popping in removing more of my blood then injecting something to prevent blood clots into my stomach whilst pouring painkillers and fluids through a drip attached to a cannula.
There was this old guy in the room beside me who was slightly deaf so he was shouting about all his nitty gritty for all to hear......CAN I AV A FAG? ....no sir, you cant smoke in the hospital......WELL PUSH ME OVA TO THAT WINDOW AND I'LL AV A FAG OUTTA THE WINDOW..... I am sorry sir but no.....WELL CAN SOMEONE PUSH ME OUTSIDE FOR A FAG THEN.....No, we cannot send a member of staff to take you for a cigarette sir.......DO YOU KNOW I FOUGT FOR THIS COUNTRY, AN I AVNT AD A WASH FOR FREEE WEEKS, SO CAN I AV A FAG.......silence for what felt like a long time, I was in so much pain I wanted to push the old sod out of the window myself for a bloody fag....then all I heard was a sigh and the nurse walking away. All afternoon and into the night he moaned about wanting a fag, when he finally fell asleep he began to snore, not a gentle snore, but a great big fat bellowing din....I began to cry.
Three oclock in the morning the surgeon comes around to tell me my appendix are fine and that there seems to be a problem with my bowel, but to try to get some sleep and there would be further investigations the following day. With the night nurse coming in every 15 minutes to do their checks there was much chance of any sleep.
The following day I was moved to swift ward, there was definitely more entertainment, the woman in the bed beside me did nothing but moan and groan from the minute so got in the room. When my doctor came round he informed me that I have something called Colitis and I would be having a endoscopy as soon as the present bout had calmed down.
As soon as the doctor had left, I was on my phone googling it, lots of boxes were ticked and I felt quietly reassured. So as they had given my a diagnosis I assumed I was going home so I packed up all my stuff and prepared for home.
But alas, nope, they decided they liked me that much that they wanted to keep me another couple of days.
This did piss me off a bit as I had missed having some of Mums birthday cake, and it was chocolate AND it was from Waitrose, Waitrose make the best cake ever! Still with the cannula attached I went for a little stroll around the ward with my trolley carrying my drugs dripping through the tube, there at the top of the corridor, being admitted was the old guy from the day before. I walked as fast as I could wheel my trolley back to my bed, that's it, there was no way I was going to stop another night with the old guy moaning about wanting a fag and the woman in the other bed winging and going into graphic detail about how she uses a bed pan.
When the doctor came around on Friday Morning I was up and dressed and I informed him that I felt loads better and I was going home, he laughed and walked away, later on he came back with his friend and my notes and after a lot of do's and dont's I was allowed home. Over the last few days I have done a lot of sleeping and not much else. Tomorrow, I go to Greece for a week, so I fully intend to do lots of resting. When I get back, I will try once again to blog more!!
Speak Soon xx
Sunday, 30 July 2017
Burying my head in the sand
Hi Everyone,
I feel like I haven't written for weeks, and I am sorry for that, I seem to have been floating around in some sort of bubble, you know when everything starts to pile up on top of you? so you have a choice, collapse, cry and have a complete meltdown or bury your head deep in the sand and plough on until its safe to come out.
So, with my head buried very deep in the sand I ploughed on, but with no sign of life calming down there was only so much I could ignore, in the middle of all the chaos going on above the sand I managed to smash my phone, which then meant I lost communication with the three people who keep me sane through conversation that doesn't revolve around work, the next academic year, whose turn it is to cook dinner, who left a tissue in their jeans when they went to the wash, or why the toilet roll holder has a empty cardboard tube swinging from it. It also meant that I couldn't access my emails as easily, or have those delightful little notifications that constantly ping on your phone to tell you someone has written on Facebook! (see, every cloud has a silver lining!).
On the last day of term, I decided to pull my head out of the sand and face the world, we (as a team of hard arsed teaching assistants) pulled ourselves through a emotional last day, ensuring our students had a lovely day, we took them to a café, we sat in the sun drinking fruit shoots and eating cookies watching people scurrying around the market, and when we had sent them all home, with full bellies and dirty clothes we went to the pub!
I know I have shared with you the struggles of going out with people who I need to learn to trust, but I was determined to go and relax with the people I have worked so closely with for the last three years, we have become a little family, and in September I will have to work on learning to trust a whole new 'family'.
Anyway, my very pregnant Teacher and I got to the pub first and sat outside while the place filled up with employees (and now ex-employees) from our school, 45 minutes later I was on my way home, just enough time to have a nice chatter, a coke and slip away before it all got to much, learning my limitations you see!!
For the rest of the first week of the holidays it has done nothing but pour with rain, this has forced me to sit and think rationally about the amount of pressure I put myself under in the build up to the end of term, some of it couldn't be helped, but most of it I could have done differently and would have prevented the whole sand scenario. Somethings have to stop, and somethings I have to do differently. If I am to get through the next academic year without a meltdown, volunteering for the RNIB has to go on hold, it is unrealistic to think I can work four days, support my girls and my partner, give Ralph all the love and devotion he has become accustomed to, keep a clean house, put decent meals on the table and have some sort of a social life.
Once I had managed to sort all this stuff out in my brain, and make concrete decisions the heavy clouds began to lift, the sand drained out of my ears and the bubble popped.
This has led to me being brave enough to go to a food festival, where I knew there would be lots of people, but I wasn't prepared for the reality of it, loads of noise, music, chatting and laughter, every single food smell you can imagine....and people sitting on the floor!! Not the best combination for someone who has a vision impairment, but nevertheless, Mum instantly linked arms with me and we pushed ourselves into the crowd, but I hated it so, she steered me back out of the crowd straight to Zizzi for tea, Mum, my girls and I stuffed out faces with pasta, and then braved the festival again, this time from a different angel it didn't seem so bad, so we found a place that was selling Crepes and had our pudding.
By now I was feeling on a bit of a role, so I cleared out the loft, gathered a load of stuff we haven't used for ages and took it all to a car boot sale yesterday, we made £130, which was great, but I found it exhausting, watching people walking up and down, and trying to read peoples body language, and then you get the people who are trying to go through your car before you have even parked up! My plans for the rest of Saturday dissolved and a lot of sleeping happened instead.
Finally and thankfully I am feeling like me again, and I hope to be talking to you all regularly again.
Speak soon, when I can get a new phone, I will start taking photos to share again too xx
I feel like I haven't written for weeks, and I am sorry for that, I seem to have been floating around in some sort of bubble, you know when everything starts to pile up on top of you? so you have a choice, collapse, cry and have a complete meltdown or bury your head deep in the sand and plough on until its safe to come out.
So, with my head buried very deep in the sand I ploughed on, but with no sign of life calming down there was only so much I could ignore, in the middle of all the chaos going on above the sand I managed to smash my phone, which then meant I lost communication with the three people who keep me sane through conversation that doesn't revolve around work, the next academic year, whose turn it is to cook dinner, who left a tissue in their jeans when they went to the wash, or why the toilet roll holder has a empty cardboard tube swinging from it. It also meant that I couldn't access my emails as easily, or have those delightful little notifications that constantly ping on your phone to tell you someone has written on Facebook! (see, every cloud has a silver lining!).
On the last day of term, I decided to pull my head out of the sand and face the world, we (as a team of hard arsed teaching assistants) pulled ourselves through a emotional last day, ensuring our students had a lovely day, we took them to a café, we sat in the sun drinking fruit shoots and eating cookies watching people scurrying around the market, and when we had sent them all home, with full bellies and dirty clothes we went to the pub!
I know I have shared with you the struggles of going out with people who I need to learn to trust, but I was determined to go and relax with the people I have worked so closely with for the last three years, we have become a little family, and in September I will have to work on learning to trust a whole new 'family'.
Anyway, my very pregnant Teacher and I got to the pub first and sat outside while the place filled up with employees (and now ex-employees) from our school, 45 minutes later I was on my way home, just enough time to have a nice chatter, a coke and slip away before it all got to much, learning my limitations you see!!
For the rest of the first week of the holidays it has done nothing but pour with rain, this has forced me to sit and think rationally about the amount of pressure I put myself under in the build up to the end of term, some of it couldn't be helped, but most of it I could have done differently and would have prevented the whole sand scenario. Somethings have to stop, and somethings I have to do differently. If I am to get through the next academic year without a meltdown, volunteering for the RNIB has to go on hold, it is unrealistic to think I can work four days, support my girls and my partner, give Ralph all the love and devotion he has become accustomed to, keep a clean house, put decent meals on the table and have some sort of a social life.
Once I had managed to sort all this stuff out in my brain, and make concrete decisions the heavy clouds began to lift, the sand drained out of my ears and the bubble popped.
This has led to me being brave enough to go to a food festival, where I knew there would be lots of people, but I wasn't prepared for the reality of it, loads of noise, music, chatting and laughter, every single food smell you can imagine....and people sitting on the floor!! Not the best combination for someone who has a vision impairment, but nevertheless, Mum instantly linked arms with me and we pushed ourselves into the crowd, but I hated it so, she steered me back out of the crowd straight to Zizzi for tea, Mum, my girls and I stuffed out faces with pasta, and then braved the festival again, this time from a different angel it didn't seem so bad, so we found a place that was selling Crepes and had our pudding.
By now I was feeling on a bit of a role, so I cleared out the loft, gathered a load of stuff we haven't used for ages and took it all to a car boot sale yesterday, we made £130, which was great, but I found it exhausting, watching people walking up and down, and trying to read peoples body language, and then you get the people who are trying to go through your car before you have even parked up! My plans for the rest of Saturday dissolved and a lot of sleeping happened instead.
Finally and thankfully I am feeling like me again, and I hope to be talking to you all regularly again.
Speak soon, when I can get a new phone, I will start taking photos to share again too xx
Sunday, 9 July 2017
Baby Shower
Hello everybody,
I'm back again! Hope you are all doing ok? Time seems to be flying by and if you work in a school, you will understand how ridiculously busy this time of the year is, school trips, sports days, summer shows, Prom nights, leaving do's, that's before we start tidying the classroom, ensuring all the kids stuff is up to date and ready to pass on to their new teachers in September, and then there's the heat we have here at the moment, we don't have Air conditioning in our classroom, and by 10am the room is like a furnace and our group of children are hot. sweaty and grumpy...and the staff feel 50 times worse!
But, never mind, there is two weeks to go and then six weeks of crazy lazy days....or madly rushing around getting on top of all the things that get neglected on the build up to the holidays because we are to dam knackered to be bothered with anything by the time we get home from school!!
The teacher I have worked with for the last three years, is really very pregnant right now, and will soon be going off onto maternity leave. A few weeks ago she invited me to her Baby shower at her best friends Mum's house, I said I would go and put it to the back of my mind to deal with nearer the time, well, nearer the time flew along and soon became yesterday.
Still determined to go, I spent most of Friday evening on the loo having what can only be described as nerves! What if I fall over? What if I cant get close enough to someone's face to see if they are smiling at me or not? What if someone tries to talk to me while I am concentrating on adjusting to the environment I have never been in before, what if there is food and I need help identifying what the food is? A buffet is my worst nightmare! I knew I wouldn't be on my own as I know three other ladies who were going, one of which I trust with my life, but she has a baby herself and I cant expect her to watch out for me and her cute little one, one of the other ladies has never seen me out of my safe zone of school and our familiar routines, and the other lady also has a little girl and has just come back to work after maternity leave...ohhh and then there's Mrs Baby bump herself, but as it was a Baby shower for her I kinda thought she might want to be mingling with her family and friends instead of watching to check I hadn't ended up face down in a flower bed!
So, anyway, I spent a lot of time repeating a scene from The Grinch....i'm not going...I cant find anything to wear...yes, I will go because I am a tough chick....NOPE, I am DEFINATELY not GOING...lets sleep on it am see how I feel in the morning.
Saturday morning I found myself feeling much more in control, I didn't need to go to the loo, maybe this was because I was empty, I dunno! but I was frightened to eat just in case. I took Ralph for a long walk, and had a bowl of cereal when I got home, it stayed in, so all good.
Then I kept myself busy until it was time to get ready. My pregnant teacher, one of the other ladies I work with and her little daughter were picking me up, so that already took massive pressure off knowing I could follow them in, find somewhere to sit and stay put. I went for a wee just before they arrived and made a mental note not to drink too much so I wouldn't need the loo while I was there. It was a very beautiful afternoon, the sun shone and we sat in the garden, I tried so hard to style it so no one would know I couldn't see, and I totally would have failed if it hadn't have been for my friends, telling me there were steps on the patio (I literally had no idea there was a step and would have landed in a heap), filling up my lemonade and helping me at the dreaded buffet table, which was actually the most delish and posh buffet table I have ever experienced, and for flanking me while I ate, whether this was intentional or not, there is nothing worse than sitting eating with strangers when you have no idea what you are putting in you mouth! Thank you ladies for not leaving me sitting like a twat, for recognising that I need help, but doing it with dignity. Thank you to our pregnant lady for inviting me and a very special thank you to pregnant ladies Mum, best friend and her Mum (who I don't suppose will ever read this) but thank you anyway it was lovely to meet such kind, friendly and beautiful people.
I cant tell you how much yesterday did, not only for my self esteem and confidence, but for the trust I have in the people around me, which is something I have lost over the years, there aren't many people I trust outside of my family, and I don't mean the every day type of trust, I mean the trust that I wont be single out as the one that has sight loss, trust that I am included but respected as someone who needs to be quietly guided and trust that my friends understand my need to appear 'normal' I hate all that overwhelming sympathy, its demoralising.
You ladies were perfect and I thank you form the very bottom of my heart, I was very tired when I got in, and when I closed my eyes I got the flash backs of the day, which I haven't had for a long time and now realise that's because I haven't pushed myself to go anywhere different for a very long while, yesterday was so much more for me than just a Baby shower, sometimes I find myself wasting time wondering what it must be like to just be able to got to parties and things and not have all these underlying factors to consider, but there is nothing I can do about that so it would seem the best lesson I have learnt this weekend is that there ARE people who care about and will willingly watch out for me, and I need to let go and trust these people more often.
I leave you with a photo of the preside I got at the end of the shower, what a lovely idea...we got cake too, but...I ate it before I could take a photo!!
I'm back again! Hope you are all doing ok? Time seems to be flying by and if you work in a school, you will understand how ridiculously busy this time of the year is, school trips, sports days, summer shows, Prom nights, leaving do's, that's before we start tidying the classroom, ensuring all the kids stuff is up to date and ready to pass on to their new teachers in September, and then there's the heat we have here at the moment, we don't have Air conditioning in our classroom, and by 10am the room is like a furnace and our group of children are hot. sweaty and grumpy...and the staff feel 50 times worse!
But, never mind, there is two weeks to go and then six weeks of crazy lazy days....or madly rushing around getting on top of all the things that get neglected on the build up to the holidays because we are to dam knackered to be bothered with anything by the time we get home from school!!
The teacher I have worked with for the last three years, is really very pregnant right now, and will soon be going off onto maternity leave. A few weeks ago she invited me to her Baby shower at her best friends Mum's house, I said I would go and put it to the back of my mind to deal with nearer the time, well, nearer the time flew along and soon became yesterday.
Still determined to go, I spent most of Friday evening on the loo having what can only be described as nerves! What if I fall over? What if I cant get close enough to someone's face to see if they are smiling at me or not? What if someone tries to talk to me while I am concentrating on adjusting to the environment I have never been in before, what if there is food and I need help identifying what the food is? A buffet is my worst nightmare! I knew I wouldn't be on my own as I know three other ladies who were going, one of which I trust with my life, but she has a baby herself and I cant expect her to watch out for me and her cute little one, one of the other ladies has never seen me out of my safe zone of school and our familiar routines, and the other lady also has a little girl and has just come back to work after maternity leave...ohhh and then there's Mrs Baby bump herself, but as it was a Baby shower for her I kinda thought she might want to be mingling with her family and friends instead of watching to check I hadn't ended up face down in a flower bed!
So, anyway, I spent a lot of time repeating a scene from The Grinch....i'm not going...I cant find anything to wear...yes, I will go because I am a tough chick....NOPE, I am DEFINATELY not GOING...lets sleep on it am see how I feel in the morning.
Saturday morning I found myself feeling much more in control, I didn't need to go to the loo, maybe this was because I was empty, I dunno! but I was frightened to eat just in case. I took Ralph for a long walk, and had a bowl of cereal when I got home, it stayed in, so all good.
Then I kept myself busy until it was time to get ready. My pregnant teacher, one of the other ladies I work with and her little daughter were picking me up, so that already took massive pressure off knowing I could follow them in, find somewhere to sit and stay put. I went for a wee just before they arrived and made a mental note not to drink too much so I wouldn't need the loo while I was there. It was a very beautiful afternoon, the sun shone and we sat in the garden, I tried so hard to style it so no one would know I couldn't see, and I totally would have failed if it hadn't have been for my friends, telling me there were steps on the patio (I literally had no idea there was a step and would have landed in a heap), filling up my lemonade and helping me at the dreaded buffet table, which was actually the most delish and posh buffet table I have ever experienced, and for flanking me while I ate, whether this was intentional or not, there is nothing worse than sitting eating with strangers when you have no idea what you are putting in you mouth! Thank you ladies for not leaving me sitting like a twat, for recognising that I need help, but doing it with dignity. Thank you to our pregnant lady for inviting me and a very special thank you to pregnant ladies Mum, best friend and her Mum (who I don't suppose will ever read this) but thank you anyway it was lovely to meet such kind, friendly and beautiful people.
I cant tell you how much yesterday did, not only for my self esteem and confidence, but for the trust I have in the people around me, which is something I have lost over the years, there aren't many people I trust outside of my family, and I don't mean the every day type of trust, I mean the trust that I wont be single out as the one that has sight loss, trust that I am included but respected as someone who needs to be quietly guided and trust that my friends understand my need to appear 'normal' I hate all that overwhelming sympathy, its demoralising.
You ladies were perfect and I thank you form the very bottom of my heart, I was very tired when I got in, and when I closed my eyes I got the flash backs of the day, which I haven't had for a long time and now realise that's because I haven't pushed myself to go anywhere different for a very long while, yesterday was so much more for me than just a Baby shower, sometimes I find myself wasting time wondering what it must be like to just be able to got to parties and things and not have all these underlying factors to consider, but there is nothing I can do about that so it would seem the best lesson I have learnt this weekend is that there ARE people who care about and will willingly watch out for me, and I need to let go and trust these people more often.
I leave you with a photo of the preside I got at the end of the shower, what a lovely idea...we got cake too, but...I ate it before I could take a photo!!
You plant the seeds and watch them grow, that way the little baby growing is never far from your mind, just a fab idea.
speak soon xx
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