I've never really been into Shopping, all those people driving children's buggies into the back of your legs or smacking you with their shopping bags, me, I would much rather sit with a coke and a big slice of cake and people watch, of course that has changed as the years have passed and I cant see people's faces unless they are up close, so now I sit there matching peoples body shapes with that of the people I know, and I am always astonished when those two images match and it is someone I know!
This time of year, shopping turns from something that I'm not keen on to something I really hate! During the year I mastered shopping on my own, with out my stick, not going far, but a 20 minute trip on the bus, several shopping lists stashed around my bag, pockets and purse, taking it slow and steady, 20 minutes back on the bus, and I was bursting with pride, this time of year I know I cant do it on my own, just typing about it gives me an unpleasant dull ache in the pit of my stomach. Then comes the dilemma of whether or not to take my stick, If I am with my Mum, my sister, my partner or my girls I know they will watch out for me, but because its so busy people are less tolerant of someone who is slower than they want them to be, if I take my stick, people are visibly aware of why I am being slow, but on the other hand, I am more vulnerable and sadly making myself a target.
Supermarkets are ridiculous, they cram so much crap in the isles, stack tins of chocolates at the ends of isles, and make lovely displays of hundreds of bottles of wine all stacked up, for me and anyone that has similar problems to trip over on or knock down,, this is a nightmare...not only is the shop full of people fighting to get the biggest frozen turkey two weeks before the 1st of December, but the 'seasonal isle' spreads all over the store, so things that are more or less in the same place each week could now be....well absolutely anywhere. I know this makes me sound like a complete scrooge at this festive time of the year...but imagine standing in a Tesco, you have a little trolley to hold on to, because holding on makes you feel safer and some how, in your own head, makes you more visible to other people, there's Christmas music playing loudly, a Mum screaming at small child who is having a full on tantrum because he wants a doughnut with sprinkles on RIGHT NOW!!, there's a oldish guy pushing a trolley full of wine which are rattling and chinking on each other and the metal sides of the trolley, Mr and Mrs only been married six weeks are having a heated discussion on which Christmas crackers would best suit the table on Christmas day, a young girl is on her mobile phone giving her mate the full details of her..oh mannnn you cannot believe what he said to her and then what she said back to him sort of day, there's a tiny little girl happily pressing all the start buttons on every single singing Santa she can find, then there's the flashing Christmas tree lights, Stevenage Tesco has a sort of open café upstairs, so you get all the chinking of cups, chatter of people, and a whole range of different smells, coffee, gingerbread, chocolate, that Christmas tree smell, 20 different flavoured scented candles, freshly baked bread, the fish counter and you know that tiny little girl? well, she's definitely now got a very dirty nappy!
All these things the average person may or may not notice, I am aware of every single one of them and more all at the same time, my brain tries to absorb all the messages all my other senses are sending, for a while I can cope, and then as I notice more or someone does something unexpected like as me a question, I am done for, I can no longer cope...its so hard not to make a scene, I want to sit on the floor, curl up into a tiny ball and cry, I am exhausted, but at the same time I am furious with myself for not being able to control all these things, my senses are on high alert at all times, and I just want to switch them off, I notice that my knuckles are white from gripping the trolley so hard, deep breaths and find a isle that has a few people in, usually the squash and juices isle! Then to the tills, where there are massive queue's, never ever go to the self service, I learnt this the hard way, I needed to get out quickly, join a massive queue and have to make small talk with the cashier or self service, self service? WRONGGGGG , self service means that you are under pressure from the other people waiting, your recyclable bag never stands up in the small space provided, and there is always a problem with something and you have to wait for a member of staff to notice your light flashing because when you turn around all you can see are body shapes...so, join the queue at the till it is, the cashiers are often quite soothing to chat to, there is loads more room for your bags, if there is a problem, your cashier deals with it instantly and therefore the pressure and anxious desperate need to get out of the shop is relieved slightly. And that's all before you get the down right rude people who will plough through everyone with no care, understanding or tolerance of any other human, whether or not that person might have a disability.
Oh dear, I have just re read my blog and it sounds like a massive rant, I just wish the world was a little more considerate, everyone is in such a rush, and shops are making Christmas as big as they can ramming all these 'must buys' down our throats, when all you really need at Christmas is your family and the people you love around you....what is it that the Grinch says?...its not about packages, boxes or bags... maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store, maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.......oh and pasta cos everyone loves pasta x
Sunday, 29 November 2015
Saturday, 14 November 2015
Fireworks
I have always loved Fireworks, love the whole outdoor thing with a big bonfire and Jacket potatoes and chilli, when my girls were very small, we used to go to my Mums house where my sisters, their partners and children would all be there, along with some friends we would have some amazing fireworks, but as the years went on, things changed, not in a sad way at all, but well, Fireworks aren't what they used to be with all the rules and regulations they just don't seem so errr BIG! Maybe its because I have got bigger! We then started going to a event in our village organised by the White Horse pub and the local scout group, It was always a fab evening, with a good crowd. When my sight changed, for me, the evening also changed. Walking across the uneven field in the dark was a challenge in its self, but my dearest bestie would be beside me and because I had been to this event for a few years before I always felt relaxed.
Two years ago we went on our customary trip down the village to the pub, I remember standing watching all these lights in the dark sky and feeling humbled and a little sad, the chatter all around me, the smell and the noisy crackle of the bonfire, hot dogs, burgers and the wonderful smell of fried onions, these are all the things that are highlighted in everyday life for me, as I stood there I heard a bus drive past behind the field on the road and wondered how many other peoples hearing was on constant high alert like mine. Sometimes I feel like I am cheating because I am so very tuned into everything that I come across as being able to see more than I can, and often I believe I can see more than I can, confidence in myself and sheer bloody mindedness is my drive. Today I had to move a empty wheel barrow, I know that my sister had put a pair of scissors into the wheel barrow but when I looked into it they weren't there, so off I trundle with the barrow and lift it to prop it up against the fence, in the spilt second I started to lift it I heard the scissors slide in the barrow, I knew I had seen her put them in there, but I just hadn't looked long enough for me to see them, I moved very quickly and grabbed the scissors, propped up the barrow and put the scissors in there right place before anyone noticed, THAT my friends, is what I spend all day every day doing, hoping no one sees if I make a mistake....anyway, I have got off the point now, Fireworks, so, even though I was linked arm in arm with my best friend and I knew she wouldn't let me trip or stand on a small child, as we turned around there were tons and tons of people, for me, all black shadows with no faces all making for the exit, my girls and my friend two children had disappeared into the crowd and for the first time ever I wished I had spend Bonfire night at home, My friend guided me to the back of the field and we climbed over the fence so I wouldn't have to be caught in the crush of people, the kids followed. The following year my girls and I stayed home and we watched fireworks out of the bedroom window. This year, my sister has moved her horses and they are closer to a firework event, so we all went to the place where they are stabled so we would keep an eye on the horses and watch the fireworks, it was fantastic to stand in a field without rubbing shoulders with a stranger and wondering where the kids had wondered off too, the horses weren't really bothered, so we stood back and watched the sky light up. My work colleagues will tell you that I have a real problem with the lights being switched on and off and it takes me a few minutes to adjust to the change, but I found the fireworks easy to cope with. The following day I got up and as the day progressed every few minutes I would see a little blue or green flash, I ignored it for a while, but by mid afternoon I was starting to worry myself as my bad eye was a bit achy, I sat on the bed thinking about whether or not I should ring mum and the hospital, and how I would describe what was going on to the hospital when I rang.....mmmmm, its just like, like errrr, fireworks....FIREWORKS what a pratt, my brain was remembering the fireworks, and the ache was just where I had been looking at something different, so the moral of this story is, always sit and think before panicking :)
Two years ago we went on our customary trip down the village to the pub, I remember standing watching all these lights in the dark sky and feeling humbled and a little sad, the chatter all around me, the smell and the noisy crackle of the bonfire, hot dogs, burgers and the wonderful smell of fried onions, these are all the things that are highlighted in everyday life for me, as I stood there I heard a bus drive past behind the field on the road and wondered how many other peoples hearing was on constant high alert like mine. Sometimes I feel like I am cheating because I am so very tuned into everything that I come across as being able to see more than I can, and often I believe I can see more than I can, confidence in myself and sheer bloody mindedness is my drive. Today I had to move a empty wheel barrow, I know that my sister had put a pair of scissors into the wheel barrow but when I looked into it they weren't there, so off I trundle with the barrow and lift it to prop it up against the fence, in the spilt second I started to lift it I heard the scissors slide in the barrow, I knew I had seen her put them in there, but I just hadn't looked long enough for me to see them, I moved very quickly and grabbed the scissors, propped up the barrow and put the scissors in there right place before anyone noticed, THAT my friends, is what I spend all day every day doing, hoping no one sees if I make a mistake....anyway, I have got off the point now, Fireworks, so, even though I was linked arm in arm with my best friend and I knew she wouldn't let me trip or stand on a small child, as we turned around there were tons and tons of people, for me, all black shadows with no faces all making for the exit, my girls and my friend two children had disappeared into the crowd and for the first time ever I wished I had spend Bonfire night at home, My friend guided me to the back of the field and we climbed over the fence so I wouldn't have to be caught in the crush of people, the kids followed. The following year my girls and I stayed home and we watched fireworks out of the bedroom window. This year, my sister has moved her horses and they are closer to a firework event, so we all went to the place where they are stabled so we would keep an eye on the horses and watch the fireworks, it was fantastic to stand in a field without rubbing shoulders with a stranger and wondering where the kids had wondered off too, the horses weren't really bothered, so we stood back and watched the sky light up. My work colleagues will tell you that I have a real problem with the lights being switched on and off and it takes me a few minutes to adjust to the change, but I found the fireworks easy to cope with. The following day I got up and as the day progressed every few minutes I would see a little blue or green flash, I ignored it for a while, but by mid afternoon I was starting to worry myself as my bad eye was a bit achy, I sat on the bed thinking about whether or not I should ring mum and the hospital, and how I would describe what was going on to the hospital when I rang.....mmmmm, its just like, like errrr, fireworks....FIREWORKS what a pratt, my brain was remembering the fireworks, and the ache was just where I had been looking at something different, so the moral of this story is, always sit and think before panicking :)
Tuesday, 27 October 2015
Challenges
On one of my visits to see Dr Attias, my GP, (who has now sadly for me, retired) he described the process of emotions I was experiencing as similar to grief, the ups and downs were incredible, days when I was so happy with confidence and a hope for the future I could burst followed by a day when I was beside myself with sadness and gloom, these times were the hardest to control, and I can imagine I wasn't the easiest person to live with so when I had started to get myself back together and had began the 'Acceptance' part of the journey I decided I needed a challenge or two, so with the help of my now ex partner, his best friend and his very lovely, kind and gentle wife, we decided we would climb Mount Snowdon! A route was chosen, we booked a B&B, I was armed with my white cane and a comfortable pair of boots and away we went! When we left Bedfordshire it was pouring with rain, by the time we had reached wales the sun was shinning! We started at Rhyd Ddu, the guide says.... This is one of the easiest and the least used routes. It starts at the site of the South Snowdon Station of the Welsh Highland Railway. The path is easy to follow and climbs gradually to the summit. The going gets harder as you near the summit and the last section is along a steep narrow path with sheer drops below.......so, the path gradually climbs! my goodness the first bit I was using my stick to pull myself up! but it was truly exhilarating, we each went at our own pace, the men ahead messing about and us ladies pretending we weren't even breaking a sweat! As we got further up the mountain the weather got warmer, and there were some spectacular views, apparently!..Then as we neared the summit, the path literally disappeared and there was this narrow rocky 'path' with rocks one side and nothing, and I mean NOTHING the other, just a very very long way down, my ex was in front and I held his jacket, I put my stick away because if I tripped over it I was going to fall a long way, and the bestie was behind holding onto the top of my rucksack. thinking back, if I had slipped all three of us would have gone down the side of that mountain. The last bit before it levels out at the top we were completely on our hands and knees climbing over rocks. When I stood up, I brushed myself down and got out my stick and made my way to the sun dial thingy where everyone was having their photographs taken. To reach the top is a fantastic feeling, a whole muddle of wonderful emotions. In the building there were some official looking fellas, who we had a chat with and they were very impressed with my ability to climb that path, when we told them we were thinking about descending on the Pyg track, they told me I wasn't as they didn't think it would be safe for me....Stupid men, I wanted to and did argue, but they won and we made our way back down the Ranger path, it was a bit longer but a really lovely walk. I think it took about seven hours to go up and down, and I only tripped over a couple of times. The next day I felt only slightly stiff, and we even managed a little walk along the river and to the statue of GELERT.
A few months later I began to get restless again and two of my most favourite ladies suggested we walk the Midnight walk in Luton for Keech. Again armed with the stick,the same comfy pair of boots, and two of the most wonderful ladies in all the land, we stomped around Luton from Midnight, I cant remember exactly but it took a couple of hours to walk 10 miles, again we met some fantastic people, and the whole atmosphere was amazing, my friends helped me all the way, as it was dark, they remembered to tell me where kerbs were and weren't, without them I couldn't have done it, by the end of the walk, the noise my stick was making on the path was driving me mad, but it was well worth every step, not only had I achieved another goal but I had supported a excellent charity with sponsors.
Since then I have completed other charity walks, conquered a climbing wall and at the moment I am teaching myself how to swim!
All these things not only get me out and are good for my mental health but I have met some lovely people, I have a small team of swimming friends who look out for me on a Wednesday morning when I am at the pool, I am eternally grateful for all the opportunities and experiences I have and forever grateful to the people who help me achieve them even if some of those people are no longer able to be part of my life.
A few months later I began to get restless again and two of my most favourite ladies suggested we walk the Midnight walk in Luton for Keech. Again armed with the stick,the same comfy pair of boots, and two of the most wonderful ladies in all the land, we stomped around Luton from Midnight, I cant remember exactly but it took a couple of hours to walk 10 miles, again we met some fantastic people, and the whole atmosphere was amazing, my friends helped me all the way, as it was dark, they remembered to tell me where kerbs were and weren't, without them I couldn't have done it, by the end of the walk, the noise my stick was making on the path was driving me mad, but it was well worth every step, not only had I achieved another goal but I had supported a excellent charity with sponsors.
Since then I have completed other charity walks, conquered a climbing wall and at the moment I am teaching myself how to swim!
All these things not only get me out and are good for my mental health but I have met some lovely people, I have a small team of swimming friends who look out for me on a Wednesday morning when I am at the pool, I am eternally grateful for all the opportunities and experiences I have and forever grateful to the people who help me achieve them even if some of those people are no longer able to be part of my life.
Sunday, 18 October 2015
My Glasses
As I've mentioned before, my glasses are my life line second only to my contact lenses, the lenses are as thick as milk bottle bottoms, and are about 20 years old, I used to go to an opticians in Biggleswade, and saw a man called Mr Loveday, they made me a pair of glasses in a sturdy Rodenstock frame. Now a days I cant really see much out of them as the prescription hasn't been changed since I bought them, although Specsavers in Hitchin did try, but my brain wouldn't make the adjustment, as they cost me £700, I tried to persevere with them for about a week but it just wasn't happening, luckily, Specsavers took them back and refunded the money, they were in ore of my old glasses and the Optician at Specsavers said he had never seen such a well made pair of glasses in such a high prescription. When my eldest daughter was two years old (she will be 18 soon), she managed to snap them in half, they were repaired and I hadn't had any problems for years....THEN last February we brought a Puppy....little sod, ran off with them and chewed the plastic off of the end of the arm, after a lot of chasing the little bugger around the house, I managed to retrieve them. The thought of taking them to be repaired was just a bit too embarrassing so I have just been careful when I put them on as not to stab myself with the sharp bit of metal sticking out of the plastic.
So, let me set the scene, Friday after a exhausting day at work, I get home, cook tea, do the ironing, change the bed sheets, hoover and dust, all the time I have a little warm happy feeling because I know that soon I will be getting into my clean bed in my tidy bedroom....sadly, I was excited, not everyone's Friday night I suppose! there I am, all bathed, clean PJ's, I climb into bed, take out my contact lenses and put on my glasses, I lay back on my pillows, long large satisfied sigh, and PLOP, my glasses and one arm are on my lap and the other arm is still behind my ear, I then spent the next two hours trying to balance the bloody things on my face so I could play candy crush until I fell asleep!
Saturday morning finds me on the bus going to Bedford to get my glasses repaired, Mum in tow!
We find Specsavers, and its heaving with people, this young lad ambles over and asks if I need help, I make him promise not to laugh at my glasses and showed them to him, he takes them off to a little machine, within about 20 seconds most of the staff are gathered around the machine, and Mum says, they keep looking at you! When I looked over I could see the usual questions were about to start, so I gave my biggest smile, and said, YES they are mine, Yes there are fantastic and YES they are very old. The lad smiled back and said 'you have a amazing prescription, how do you manage'....oh man I hate that, NOT managing is NOT an option. Mum tenses beside me and waits for me to blow, the lad sees Mums face and says...'I'll just clean them for you and file off this sharp end', then I notice I am the centre of attention, all the customers are looking at me and everyone seems to have stopped, the lad brings my fixed and clean glasses over to me and I ask him how much I owe, ...'oh, my goodness, nothing, you owe nothing, I took my glasses and my mum and ran for my life, how embarrassing!
So, let me set the scene, Friday after a exhausting day at work, I get home, cook tea, do the ironing, change the bed sheets, hoover and dust, all the time I have a little warm happy feeling because I know that soon I will be getting into my clean bed in my tidy bedroom....sadly, I was excited, not everyone's Friday night I suppose! there I am, all bathed, clean PJ's, I climb into bed, take out my contact lenses and put on my glasses, I lay back on my pillows, long large satisfied sigh, and PLOP, my glasses and one arm are on my lap and the other arm is still behind my ear, I then spent the next two hours trying to balance the bloody things on my face so I could play candy crush until I fell asleep!
Saturday morning finds me on the bus going to Bedford to get my glasses repaired, Mum in tow!
We find Specsavers, and its heaving with people, this young lad ambles over and asks if I need help, I make him promise not to laugh at my glasses and showed them to him, he takes them off to a little machine, within about 20 seconds most of the staff are gathered around the machine, and Mum says, they keep looking at you! When I looked over I could see the usual questions were about to start, so I gave my biggest smile, and said, YES they are mine, Yes there are fantastic and YES they are very old. The lad smiled back and said 'you have a amazing prescription, how do you manage'....oh man I hate that, NOT managing is NOT an option. Mum tenses beside me and waits for me to blow, the lad sees Mums face and says...'I'll just clean them for you and file off this sharp end', then I notice I am the centre of attention, all the customers are looking at me and everyone seems to have stopped, the lad brings my fixed and clean glasses over to me and I ask him how much I owe, ...'oh, my goodness, nothing, you owe nothing, I took my glasses and my mum and ran for my life, how embarrassing!
Monday, 12 October 2015
How I lost my stick!
I was talking to a lovely lady today whom I have known for many years, but don't see very often, she is a fiery chick but a loveable fiery chick! She was asking me how I was getting along with my white cane. The cane can be a heavenly gift but also a right pain in the backside, if I am somewhere that I haven't been before, I use it, it sometimes stops people bumping into me, it sometimes gets me a seat on a packed train, it mostly stops me from tripping over, falling down curbs or walking into things. on the other hand, it makes me a target for people who think they can pinch your handbag, or people who try to help you when you are managing quite well on your own (recently, I was getting off the train at Woodbridge in Suffolk, there is quite a big gap between the carriage and the platform, I had my girls with me and my stick was doing its thing, then all of a sudden I feel two large hands under my armpits and this massive bloke literally lifts me off the train and plops me onto the platform, grins at me and says 'awwite luv'...my girls and I just stood there, mouths open and watch this fella strut away, you could almost hear him thinking 'there, that's me good deed done for the day!' while I know if I could have looked in a mirror, Mums WTF face would be staring back at me), the cane is also no good it you have more than one shopping bag, Mum tried to get me to use one of those shopping trollies, but I got street cred to maintain you know so I made sure the thing made its way back to Mums house!
Anyway, my first white cane was provided for me by Bedfordshire sight concern (thank you very much), and has travelled with me for miles and miles, it has been strapped to the back of a motorbike when I was taken to Devon for the weekend on my 40th birthday, it came with me on our adventure to Scotland on the train, its been everywhere I have been.
Then one day, my daughters Grandmother gave me £20 to spend on the girls, I thought, I could stick it in my purse and buy extra chocolate when I next go shopping, or I could buy something they really wanted, SO, after much deliberation, my eldest found some tickets for £10 each to go and see a lovely group of lads called ROOM94, they were playing in London on a Sunday evening, so in my very simple mind, I thought I could get them there on the train and tube, hang out in a little bar and wait for them to be done then bring them home....OHHHHHH NOOOOOOOO, things are NEVER that easy, I buy said tickets over the internet, no probs, plan route, the bloody tube station we need is shut, never mind get off at the one before and walk to the venue, drop girls off and find a bar.....this is where things got messy, as the Boyfriend tells me there is 'NO BLOODY WAY YOU ARE HANGING AROUND LONDON ON YOUR OWN'.....mmmmm, no bugger tells ME what to do! His reasoning was, he would be unable to come with me due to work, what if I got lost how was I going to find my way back, what happens if you cant find the girls, bla bla bla, and so it went on until I find myself buying a ticket to go see a band I never even heard of!
So, the Sunday arrives, and I am so pleased that we managed to get there, queue and get into the venue without any troubles at all, the girls disappear into the crowd of girls and go to do their moshing thingy, and I stand at the back of the room with two other parents, I felt a bit silly with my stick and there were lots of wires so I folded it up and tucked it under the bar, planted my feet, and told myself I was not going to move until the gig had finished. One of the parents disappears and leaves me with someone's Dad, who was frankly pissed out of his brain, and thought that because I carry a white stick, it must make me deaf as well, as he kept getting right in my face and screaming questions at me. The first set comes on, does their thing, and leaves the stage. I have no idea what they look like as the stage is too far for me to see it, next thing, a group of lads is standing beside me, I have a little chat, and they move on, then a different group, so I chat to them too, then this little lad named Robbie Coles is there, so I have a little chat with him too. Unbeknown to me, all these young men are band members. At the end of the evening, I am saying goodbye to my new friends and my girls are horrified that I have been a groupie with out knowing it! So one daughter either side of me they march me out of the venue, through the rush at the tube and onto a train at kings cross, where I sit to catch my breath.......where is my stick? still under the bar at the venue!
Anyway, my first white cane was provided for me by Bedfordshire sight concern (thank you very much), and has travelled with me for miles and miles, it has been strapped to the back of a motorbike when I was taken to Devon for the weekend on my 40th birthday, it came with me on our adventure to Scotland on the train, its been everywhere I have been.
Then one day, my daughters Grandmother gave me £20 to spend on the girls, I thought, I could stick it in my purse and buy extra chocolate when I next go shopping, or I could buy something they really wanted, SO, after much deliberation, my eldest found some tickets for £10 each to go and see a lovely group of lads called ROOM94, they were playing in London on a Sunday evening, so in my very simple mind, I thought I could get them there on the train and tube, hang out in a little bar and wait for them to be done then bring them home....OHHHHHH NOOOOOOOO, things are NEVER that easy, I buy said tickets over the internet, no probs, plan route, the bloody tube station we need is shut, never mind get off at the one before and walk to the venue, drop girls off and find a bar.....this is where things got messy, as the Boyfriend tells me there is 'NO BLOODY WAY YOU ARE HANGING AROUND LONDON ON YOUR OWN'.....mmmmm, no bugger tells ME what to do! His reasoning was, he would be unable to come with me due to work, what if I got lost how was I going to find my way back, what happens if you cant find the girls, bla bla bla, and so it went on until I find myself buying a ticket to go see a band I never even heard of!
So, the Sunday arrives, and I am so pleased that we managed to get there, queue and get into the venue without any troubles at all, the girls disappear into the crowd of girls and go to do their moshing thingy, and I stand at the back of the room with two other parents, I felt a bit silly with my stick and there were lots of wires so I folded it up and tucked it under the bar, planted my feet, and told myself I was not going to move until the gig had finished. One of the parents disappears and leaves me with someone's Dad, who was frankly pissed out of his brain, and thought that because I carry a white stick, it must make me deaf as well, as he kept getting right in my face and screaming questions at me. The first set comes on, does their thing, and leaves the stage. I have no idea what they look like as the stage is too far for me to see it, next thing, a group of lads is standing beside me, I have a little chat, and they move on, then a different group, so I chat to them too, then this little lad named Robbie Coles is there, so I have a little chat with him too. Unbeknown to me, all these young men are band members. At the end of the evening, I am saying goodbye to my new friends and my girls are horrified that I have been a groupie with out knowing it! So one daughter either side of me they march me out of the venue, through the rush at the tube and onto a train at kings cross, where I sit to catch my breath.......where is my stick? still under the bar at the venue!
Saturday, 10 October 2015
Red Chairs
Anyway, back on track, I was going to talk about how I managed to get a seat on the red chairs!
like I said, I get a lot of discomfort and because I need to make sure I get back to the hospital within a certain amount of time if the retina behind my eye tears I was extra sensitive I suppose in the beginning. I had to learn to know the difference between doing too much and feeling awful to knowing when something is really wrong. One time I woke up with my 'bad' eye stuck closed and nasty stabbing pains behind it, I got up, had a wash and tried to put contact lenses in, but I couldn't even get my eye open enough to get my contact lenses in. I sat about for a bit, but somewhere deep down in the pit of my stomach I knew I needed to be at the hospital, so I rang the number the hospital gave me, and got the reply I always get when they pull up my notes.....come in immediately. I put the phone down...big sigh, and then phone my Mum, who is always like a supersonic woman, and is dressed for a trip to London with hair immaculate, and is at my house within half an hour all ready to face the world....I however wanted to stick a paper bag over my head and go to the train station in my fluffy PJ's, socks and slippers. But, I go get dressed and follow Mum around to the train station, even when I was small, if there was anything wrong with me it was 'because you don't drink enough' or 'because you never drink hot drinks'....'why don't you try herbal tea?'...because its bloody disgusting, that's why, today was no different, she marches ahead of me banging on about the fact that if I drank more everything would be just fine and dandy!
When we get to A&E the staff nurse takes one look at me and we are sent straight through to a little room on our own, Mum and I sat there looking at each other for what felt like ages, and for a change we didn't seem to be moving about, we started to worry that we had been forgotten just as I was called to be examined. Usually we are sitting right in the middle of all the hustle and bustle and we do, well Mum does, a lot of people watching. This time I was marched past where everyone else was sitting and past the examination areas, past the red chairs, and up a little corridor, as we pass the red chairs Mum says, 'look, there still isn't anyone sitting on the red chairs'.....we get in the little very clean examination room, and the Dr pops on a pair of gloves and lifts my eye lid, shines a light into the eye and then pronounces that i have viral conjunctivitis......you are highly infectious....GO SIT ON THE RED CHAIRS!!!!!
Mum thought this was hilarious and wouldn't sit on the red chairs with me, she sat across the room on the, wait for it...GREY CHAIRS and proceeded to make faces and laugh at me, it was funny, and I suspect we got on the 'oldies' nerves with our messing about, eventually the nurse comes back with a bag full of goodies (well, medicine) and a warning not to put my contact lenses in while I was having the drops in my eyes and do not go back to work until it has cleared up! well, that told me, I sat with my arms folded, and my legs out like a teenager that had just had a telling off from the headmaster, Mum stuck her tongue out at me and we stated to laugh, once again Mum guided me home....I wasn't laughing for long though as by the end of the week I had managed to spread the infection to the other eye and both my girls were off of school with it....but on the bright side at least we know what the red chairs were for.....
like I said, I get a lot of discomfort and because I need to make sure I get back to the hospital within a certain amount of time if the retina behind my eye tears I was extra sensitive I suppose in the beginning. I had to learn to know the difference between doing too much and feeling awful to knowing when something is really wrong. One time I woke up with my 'bad' eye stuck closed and nasty stabbing pains behind it, I got up, had a wash and tried to put contact lenses in, but I couldn't even get my eye open enough to get my contact lenses in. I sat about for a bit, but somewhere deep down in the pit of my stomach I knew I needed to be at the hospital, so I rang the number the hospital gave me, and got the reply I always get when they pull up my notes.....come in immediately. I put the phone down...big sigh, and then phone my Mum, who is always like a supersonic woman, and is dressed for a trip to London with hair immaculate, and is at my house within half an hour all ready to face the world....I however wanted to stick a paper bag over my head and go to the train station in my fluffy PJ's, socks and slippers. But, I go get dressed and follow Mum around to the train station, even when I was small, if there was anything wrong with me it was 'because you don't drink enough' or 'because you never drink hot drinks'....'why don't you try herbal tea?'...because its bloody disgusting, that's why, today was no different, she marches ahead of me banging on about the fact that if I drank more everything would be just fine and dandy!
When we get to A&E the staff nurse takes one look at me and we are sent straight through to a little room on our own, Mum and I sat there looking at each other for what felt like ages, and for a change we didn't seem to be moving about, we started to worry that we had been forgotten just as I was called to be examined. Usually we are sitting right in the middle of all the hustle and bustle and we do, well Mum does, a lot of people watching. This time I was marched past where everyone else was sitting and past the examination areas, past the red chairs, and up a little corridor, as we pass the red chairs Mum says, 'look, there still isn't anyone sitting on the red chairs'.....we get in the little very clean examination room, and the Dr pops on a pair of gloves and lifts my eye lid, shines a light into the eye and then pronounces that i have viral conjunctivitis......you are highly infectious....GO SIT ON THE RED CHAIRS!!!!!
Mum thought this was hilarious and wouldn't sit on the red chairs with me, she sat across the room on the, wait for it...GREY CHAIRS and proceeded to make faces and laugh at me, it was funny, and I suspect we got on the 'oldies' nerves with our messing about, eventually the nurse comes back with a bag full of goodies (well, medicine) and a warning not to put my contact lenses in while I was having the drops in my eyes and do not go back to work until it has cleared up! well, that told me, I sat with my arms folded, and my legs out like a teenager that had just had a telling off from the headmaster, Mum stuck her tongue out at me and we stated to laugh, once again Mum guided me home....I wasn't laughing for long though as by the end of the week I had managed to spread the infection to the other eye and both my girls were off of school with it....but on the bright side at least we know what the red chairs were for.....
What my brain sees
So, going back a bit now, over the years I have ended up in Moorfields A&E more time than I care to think about. I often get a lot of discomfort, when I am tired or have spent too much time where there are bright or flashing lights I get a dull ache in my eye, the hospital say this is unusual as the condition isn't usually accompanied by pain or discomfort, if I am very stressed out it can be so painful all I can do is lay in a dark room until I fall asleep. I think I have said before, I also cant do anything that might upset my balance, things like fairground rides, rooms filled with small people moving around at speed or simply scrolling up or down on the computer too quickly can set me off, my brain cannot cope with things moving too quickly and the strain of trying to focus gives me a head and eye ache, which then upsets my balance. When I was learning about this condition and losing my sight, I had a meeting with a very nice man named Rob, he told me that when people lose their sight, the brain searches for images that they recognise, so you might be looking at something, you cant see clearly what it is, so your brain races through millions of images of things that it MIGHT be and can produce something that isn't there, he said that people have been known to go to the doctors because they think they are hallucinating, so I shouldn't be surprised if this happens. I have noticed that my brain is very quick, I still do a lot of guess work, I find it so hard to explain how I know things are there or that thing say what they say, even when I cant see them I just know, ok, sometimes I am proved wrong, like at work the other day, I just assumed the person who was walking through the door was a person who works on our computers, but it wasn't him, just someone my brain recognised as him, I have also noticed that if I meet someone new, I see them everywhere, I don't really, but my brain does. it is constantly trying to remember what the person looks like so I know them next time, this means my brain homes in on anyone who has a similar figure, walks the same way or even if they smell the same.
we have a few new members of staff at school, I know I need to remember them (for a million different reasons, as working in a special needs school means that sometimes we have to move quickly so recognising people is very important), but today, Saturday, my girls and I went to Stevenage, I kept seeing these people everywhere, I know its not the people I know, and it drives me crackers, in the end my girls and I turned it into a game and we ended up in stitches....ah crap I just realised I was going to blog about red chairs, I seem to have got distracted!!! :)
we have a few new members of staff at school, I know I need to remember them (for a million different reasons, as working in a special needs school means that sometimes we have to move quickly so recognising people is very important), but today, Saturday, my girls and I went to Stevenage, I kept seeing these people everywhere, I know its not the people I know, and it drives me crackers, in the end my girls and I turned it into a game and we ended up in stitches....ah crap I just realised I was going to blog about red chairs, I seem to have got distracted!!! :)
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